


Hurt

by ItsOnlyAPenName



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Children, Comfort/Angst, Depressed Jared, Depression, Despair, Desperation, Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abortion, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:07:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 37
Words: 104,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4393118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsOnlyAPenName/pseuds/ItsOnlyAPenName
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared had a husband who loved him and a daughter who adored him; but despite it all, he couldn't see through the cloud of his depression. </p><p>After years of intensive treatment, things seemed to get better. But Jared breaks down after another failed pregnancy... and the last thing Jensen thought would ever happen to him, happens, and he’s forced to come to terms with the consequences of his husband's actions.</p><p> </p><p>“Jay. When you stop breathing. I stop breathing. If your heart stops. My heart stops. Don’t you get it?!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Worst Day

**Author's Note:**

> Take into account that this story is about clinical depression (Depressed!Jared) and the suicidal thoughts that may result from it. So if you are triggered by any of those things then Please, Please, PLEASE proceed with caution.

Jensen entered the house behind his seven year old daughter, Lilly, who swiftly slipped off her little red Converse, before running into the kitchen and heading for the refrigerator. Jensen followed Lilly into the kitchen and put his car keys on the island before he began to sift through the day’s mail. “Jay we’re home.” Jensen called. He heard the water running upstairs. It was three o'clock, which was an odd time for Jared to be taking a shower, but Jensen didn’t think too much of it.

As of late, Jared hardly ever asked Jensen to do him any favors – especially because Jared had already spent the past few _years_ doing just that…and Jared was tired of asking…tired of being so needy- but today when Jared called his husband, asking if he could help him pick their daughter up from school, Jensen happily agreed. He was always more than ready to help out his husband whenever he needed it.

“Papa where’s my snack?” Lilly asked. She continued to hold the refrigerator door open as she scanned the different levels of food.

“Have you checked the oven?” Jensen asked without looking up from the mail. He knew for a fact that Jared was making Lilly cookies today. Jared usually fixed Lilly a healthy after school snack but once every two weeks he would surprise their daughter with a sweet treat. Sometimes it was brownies, or cupcakes. Today it would be cookies.

Lilly scrambled over to the oven and opened it with a groan. “Papa!” She shut the oven. “Papa, nothing’s in there.”

Jensen looked up and saw his daughter leaning against the oven with her arms crossed over her chest. “Are you sure?” Jensen pondered. He dropped the mail and headed over to his daughter, signaling for her to move over before he opened the oven. Sure enough, it was empty. “Hmmmm,” Jensen hummed, “Well, that’s odd. Maybe he forgot we would be home early today!”

“Awww.” Lilly sighed. “That’s okay.”

“Do you want me to whip you up something quickly before I head back to the office?” Jensen asked.

“No it’s okay I’m sure Daddy will be out soon.” Lilly assured him.

“Alright.” Jensen smiled and patted his daughter on her head, “Why don’t you go put your backpack upstairs then, huh?”

“Mkay.” Lilly nodded before running out of the kitchen and scampering upstairs.

Jensen went back to the fridge opened it, smiling when his eyes landed on a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough.

For the past two years, Jared had made Lilly a snack every day, without exception. He started doing it after he began working from home…after his depression got the best of him. Jared had always loved cooking, so making Lilly’s after-school snacks was always considered one of the highlights of his day. That, along with making breakfast and dinner for his family.

Jared liked being able to stay home in his pajamas and trade stocks from the comfort of his bedroom, rather than in a loud, crowded office. Jensen didn’t mind it either. He didn’t mind that they had to move out of the big and bustling boundaries of New York City, and back to San Antonio so that Jared could be closer to his family. Jensen didn’t mind that he had to switch law firms. He didn’t mind that he had to take extra cases, and spend more late nights at the firm in order to pay for Jared’s medical bills. Not even Lilly seemed to mind that she had to switch schools, and leave behind the only life she’d ever known -she was too young to notice much anyway. All that mattered was that Jared had been happier lately than he had been in a long time.

Suddenly, Jensen was being shaken –literally- out of his thoughts, “Something’s wrong with Daddy.” He heard his daughter say. When he looked down at her he saw that she had tears in her eyes. “I called his name but he didn’t answer me. Your bathroom door was locked and…and…I saw red water.” She was frantic, “There’s red water coming out under the door.”

Without saying a word, Jensen ran out of the kitchen and started up the stairs, two at a time. He heard Lilly following him. “Stay downstairs.” Jensen yelled as he climbed.

“But Papa–”

“Lillian Marie Ackles. STAY. DOWN. STAIRS.” Jensen yelled again before rushing into the master bedroom. One thousand terrible thoughts ran through his head once he got inside. Jensen heard the sound of rushing water coming from their bathroom. It wasn’t coming from the shower, the water was running much too rapidly. It must have been the bathtub.

When he got close enough he saw that, sure enough, red colored water was seeping out beneath the door and onto the wooded floor of their bedroom.

“Jay!” Jensen called as he banged on the door. There was no answer. “Jared!” Still no answer.

Jensen began to throw himself at the door in an attempt to break it down. After four failed attempts he backed away from the door and threw himself at it with all of the strength he could muster. Finally, it broke down and Jensen slipped on the wet bathroom floor. He was on his hands and knees in a pool of warm red water, and afraid to look up. When he did, all of his worst fears had been confirmed.

“No!” Jensen bellowed, “No. No. NO. NO.” He got up and hastily moved towards the overflowing bathtub, where his husband lay with his left arm hanging over the edge, bloody and pale. His other bloody arm was in the bathtub. Jensen assumed that was the cause of the red water.

“Jared.” Jensen cried as he turned off the water and took his husbands left arm in his hands. He had cuts on his wrist, and the cuts were vertical.

Fuck.

“Jay. Sweetheart, please.” Jensen begged. He grabbed a towel from the rack by the bathtub and and wrapped it around Jared’s wrist, tying it as tightly as he could. Then he took off his suit jacket and used it to tie Jared’s other wrist, in an attempt to stop the bleeding.

Jensen was bawling, and completely beside himself. In desperation, Jensen hastily ran out of the bathroom and used the landline in their bedroom to dial 911 before rushing back to his husband’s side. He looked at Jared, whose mouth was now pursed as though he was trying to speak.

“Jared.” Jensen breathed as the phone kept ringing in his ear. He brought his face up to his husband’s, and felt soft puffs of Jared’s warm breath caress his face. Jared was still breathing. “Jay.” Jensen sobbed, looking at his husband. “Talk to me Jay.”

Jared opened his mouth. “So…” Jared struggled to speak. His voice was nothing more than a faint whisper. “So beautiful, Jen. They’re all so beautiful. Everything is going to be okay now.” Jared smiled weakly.

“Baby, What –” Jensen began to speak but Jared continued.

“I’m sorry. So sorry I made you sad. Sorry I was…I was a burden. Now you can be happy. Okay?” Jared breathed. Then he went silent, his eyes slowly closing.

“Jay?” Jensen croaked. “Jay wake up baby. Wake up. Wake up.” Jensen tapped fanatically on Jared’s cheek but there was no response. “Please Jay.” He placed two fingers on Jared’s throat and felt a faint pulse. Thank God. Thank fucking God.

Finally, the phone stopped ringing. “911 What’s your emergency?” The operator asked.

“My husband. He slit his wrists. Please hurry.” Jensen said frantically.

“Breathe sir. What’s your location?” She asked.

“757 Rayford Court.” Jensen sobbed.

“Alright. An ambulance is on the way sir. Now, does your husband have a pulse?” She asked.

“Barely. It’s faint, barely even there. Please. You have to hurry.” Jensen cried.

“An ambulance is on the way sir.” She repeated, staying calm and collected. “Now, I’m going to need you to make a tourniquet. Can you do that for me sir.”

“I did. I did that already.” Jensen practically yelled. He continued to look at his unresponsive husband.

“I’m going to need you to calm down sir.” The operator demanded. “Do you have any idea when this happened?” She asked.

“No. I don’t know. It must have been minutes ago because he was…he was just talking to me a second ago and then I think…I think he went unconscious.” Jensen sobbed.

“Okay.” The operator said, “Is there anyway you can get him out of the bathtub?”

“No.” Jensen sobbed. “He’s heavy. I’m afraid to move him.”

“I’m going to need you to try, sir.” She said. “First responders are on their way. They’re close. They’re very close. I need you to keep your husband alive okay. And it will help if you can get him out of the bathtub.”

“Papa! What’s going on?” Lilly screamed from the bottom of the stairs.

“Stay there Lillian!” Jensen yelled. “Don’t come up here!”

Jensen put the phone on speaker and set it on the counter before attempting to pull his giant husband out of the bathtub. That’s when he saw it, the pregnancy test that was resting on the counter. There was a minus sign on it. Jensen knew what that meant. It something he was all too familiar with.

“Sir.” The operator said, bringing him back to earth. “Sir are you there?”

“Yes.” Jensen huffed. It was hard pulling Jared out of the bathtub, but he managed to do it. “I’m here.” Jensen breathed, breathless under the weight of his husband, who he now held pressed against his chest. Jensen sat on the bathroom floor, rocking back and forth with Jared in his hands, covering him in kisses. He was cold. He was so damn cold.

“Stay calm. Try your best to stay calm sir.” The operator said.

Jensen just continued to cry, staring at his beautiful husband. Once so lively and warm, now lifeless and cold in his arms. “Stay with me Jay. Stay with me.” Jensen continued to tap Jared on the face. “I love you Jared.” Jensen sobbed, putting his face in his husband’s wet locks. “I love you so much.” He continued to rock back and forth. “Please don’t die Jay. Please don’t fucking die on me.”

Jensen heard a banging downstairs, followed by a high-pitched scream –which he knew came from his daughter.

“Sir?! Sir?! ” He heard male voices call, followed by the sound of strong feet stomping up the stairs.

“I’m in here. Please. Please help.” Jensen begged.

In a matter of moments, three strong looking firefighters came rushing into the bathroom and abruptly carried Jared’s naked body out of Jensen’s hands before rushing back downstairs, with Jensen following closely behind them.

Before running outside after the men, Jensen grabbed his daughter, who was standing by the door, and took her to the living room.

“Papa what’s going on? What’s wrong with Daddy? Why are there firemen here?” Lilly sniffled. “Papa I’m scared.”

“Daddy’s hurt.” Jensen tried to keep his composure. “Just sit here for a second, okay. I’ll be right back.”

Lilly nodded and Jensen ran outside. Jared had already been placed on a stretcher. A blanket was covering his naked body.

“We’re taking your husband to University Hospital.” A medic said. Jensen nodded, it was the best hospital San Antonio had to offer. He wanted to get into the back of the ambulance with his husband. He _Needed_ to. But he couldn’t leave their seven year old daughter alone at home…and he certainly wasn’t going to take her with him in the back of the ambulance either. He had to make a choice, quickly.

“Okay.” Jensen gulped. “Take him and I’ll be right behind you.”

“Right away sir.” A second medic said before hastily closing the ambulance doors. In a matter of moments the truck was gone, zooming off to University Hospital with Jared in the back, clinging to life.

Jensen ran back into the house and straight into the living room, where he found Lilly sitting on the couch with her hands over her ears, and looking absolutely mortified.

“Lillian.” Jensen breathed, removing her hands. “I’m taking you to grandma and grandpa’s house okay.”

“But…But what about Da—” She said, her lips quivering.

“Please, Lilly. There’s no time.” Jensen picked up his daughter and hastily headed for the garage where he promptly put her in the back seat of his car before speeding off to the Padalecki’s.

“Papa, is Daddy going to die?” Lilly asked as they drove.

“No sweetheart. Daddy’s not going to die.” Jensen tried to stay calm for their daughter. “Daddy’s going to be okay.”

Jensen got to the Padalecki’s in record time. When he reached their drive way he practically jumped out of his car, forgetting to put it in park. After a moment, Jensen realized his blunder, and returned to his vehicle, putting it in park before grabbing his daughter out of the backseat and charging towards the front door, where he began frantically ringing the door bell and knocking on the door.

Sherri answered within a couple of seconds. “Jensen?” She gasped, “Honey what’s wrong?”

“Jared had an accident.” He said frantically…knowing very well that what his husband did was far from an ‘accident.’ “I need to go to the hospital. Please watch Lillian. I’ll call you as soon as I can with details.”

Before Sherri had time to respond, Jensen was already in his car and speeding towards University Hospital.

Once he arrived, he ran into the east wing of the hospital –the side he knew the ER was located on- and headed straight for the receptionist.

“My husband has just been admitted here.” Jensen struggled to catch his breath. He had just been running. Hard. “His name is Jared. Jared Ackles.”

The receptionist looked down at her computer, “Alright sir one moment.”

Jensen banged his fist on the desk. “I don’t _have_ a moment. He’s dying. My fucking husband is dying.”

“I’m trying sir, just give me a moment.” She looked up at him.

“Try Jared Padalecki. His medical records might still be under his maiden name.” Jensen was frantic, tears wildly streaming down his face.

“I see it. I see it.” The receptionist said. “Mr. Ackles. Your husband, Jared Ackles?”

“Yes! Yes that’s him!” Jensen heaved. “Where is he?”

“Umm…” The receptionist looked up at him, “He’s in the ER. Just go through those double doors and there will be another receptionist, you can tell her who you are and she may be able to help you from there, but most likely she’ll tell you take a seat and wait for any news about your husband. If he’s in surgery, you won’t be able to see him.”

Jensen was already running towards the ER halfway through her last sentence. He didn’t care. He just needed to get to Jared.

When he got to the second receptionist he was even further out of breath.

“My husband…has just been admitted…his name…his name is Jared.” Jensen breathed. “Jared Ackles. Please…please tell me he’s alive.”

The receptionist looked down at her computer, typed something, and then looked back up at Jensen. “Please take a seat. A doctor will be with you soon.” She said calmly.

“Did you…did you hear what I said?” Jensen asked, confused.

“I did Sir.” The receptionist nodded. “But I’m not at liberty to give you any information. I can confirm that your husband has been admitted. But that’s about it.”

Jensen’s nerves were being poked at. The woman behind the desk was too calm, too emotionless. It made him incredibly uneasy and frustrated.

“Can’t you show a little fucking compassion?” Jensen fumed.

“Sir, please calm down.” The receptionist said gruffly.

Jensen practically lost it then. “Ma’am my husband slit his wrists. Now he’s somewhere in there.” He pointed down the hall, “bleeding to death. Maybe he’s already dead. I don’t know.” He breathed. “But I need to know. I _need_ to know.”

Jensen was crying again, unable to control himself.

“I’m sorry Mr. Ackles.” The receptionist breathed, finally addressing him as something other than just, ‘Sir.’ “I truly am sorry. But I can only reassure you that a doctor will be here to speak with you soon.” She smiled wearily, “Now if you would please,” She pointed at the rows of chairs in the waiting room they were standing in, “take a seat. I can assure you, someone will speak with you soon.”

Jensen was tired. Tired of arguing, tired of fighting. So he sighed and took a seat in one of the empty chairs in the waiting room. Knees jiggling as he checked his watch. It was five o’clock, which meant it was six o’clock in New York…which also meant his best friend was taking a coffee break -he still knew their old schedule like the back of his hand- for this reason he picked up his cell phone and rapidly dialed his best friend’s number.

“Pick up…Pick up, pick up pick up.” Jensen tried to breathe.

The ringing stopped.

“Jensen?” The voice on the other end asked excitedly, “Haven’t heard from you in a week man! What’s up?”

“Misha.” Jensen sobbed, “Misha, something’s wrong. Something’s terribly, terribly wrong.”

“Woah, Jensen. Are you crying? What’s wrong?” Misha asked sincerely.

“It’s Jared.” He wept.

“Oh God. Jensen what happened? What’s wrong with Jared.” Misha began to panic on the other end of the phone.

“He’s gotten bad again.” Jensen’s breath hitched in his throat. “But this time…this time it’s worse than ever before. Misha I don’t know what to do. He’s dying and they wont let me see him.”

“Excuse me. Jensen, what?” Misha gasped. “He’s…Jared’s _dying_? What do you mean? What happened?”

“He slit his wrists Misha.” Jensen sobbed. “I found him in the bathtub…he slit both of his fucking wrists.”

“No.” Misha’s voice sounded muffled, “Not after everything...Not after…Jensen…I’m so sorry.”

“I thought he was getting better. I honestly thought…” Jensen sighed.

“What could have compelled him?” Misha pondered.

“I think...I…There…There was” Jensen blubbered.

“It’s okay, take it slow.” Misha said calmly.

“There was a pregnancy test on the counter.” Jensen sniffled, “It was negative…another fucking negative Meesh.”

“Oh God.” Misha breathed.

“When I found him…it was horrific. Worse than anything I had ever imagined.” Jensen sobbed, “There was blood. Everywhere.” Jensen choked on his tears, “I thought this was all behind us. I can’t…I can’t believe he thought Lilly and I would be happier without him.” He paused, “I…I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t make it.”

“He’ll make it Jen. He’ll make it.” Misha reassured him.

“But there was so much blood…so much…” Jensen continued to sob.

“Listen Jensen, I’ll be on the first flight out of JFK. I’ll get to you as soon as I possibly can…” Misha breathed.

God, Jensen loved his best friend with all of his heart. He was always there for Jensen, always had been since they we’re roommates in college. Misha was one of the most selfless people Jensen had ever met.

Five years ago, when Jared had been diagnosed as clinically depressed, Misha had been right by Jared and Jensen’s side the entire time. Misha dropped by the house more often with Vicki and the kids in tow, always made sure the Collins’ were present in the Ackles’ lives, always made sure Jared knew he was loved. Misha even started their tradition of having huge family dinners together every Sunday evening.

Misha had been Jensen’s emotional backbone, even more so when he realized Jared could no longer handle that role. And though the Ackles’ moved back to Texas two years ago, Jensen was beyond thankful that his best friend was still there for him. Always a phone call away –and when the time called for it, he was ready to hop on the first plane to San Antonio…always.

“How did I get so lucky Meesh? Having friend like you…” Jensen trailed off.

“I could say the same about you Jen.” Misha breathed.

“Will you stay on the phone with me Meesh…until…until I find out?” Jensen wept.

“You know I will.” Misha assured him.

So for the next ten minutes they talked. At first Jensen could only concentrate on what had just happened, on what had gone wrong in their lives…what he could have done to prevent Jared’s actions. _Had he not loved Jared enough? Not cared enough? Not shown Jared how much he meant to him?_

_Did Jared say something earlier…something he had missed…something that would have helped him prevent what had happened? Were there signs that he neglected? Was this really his fault? Did he make Jared think he would be happier without him?_

Of course Misha talked Jensen out of his dark state of mind; told him all the things he did _right_ for Jared. _Hadn’t he stayed faithfully by his husband’s side? Talked him down –literally— from multiple ledges? Dressed Jared on days when he didn’t even have the strength to put on his own clothes? Bathed him? Fed him? Refused to give up on him even after he threatened you with a gun…threatened to take his life…along with yours and your daughter’s…all those years ago?_

Misha could go on for hours, “You talked him down that night…you loved him…you forgave him. You realized something was wrong, and do you know what you did Jensen… you tried to _fix_ him. You weren’t disgusted or scared. You didn’t run away. You stayed with him, showed him how much he had to live for. You did everything you could.” Misha took a breath. “And I want you to remember that Jensen. No matter what happens. No matter what the doctor tells you. You did everything you could. You loved Jared. And that’s all you could do.”

Jensen’s tears subsided to a quiet whimper “Thank you Misha. Honestly.” He breathed and looked up, only to see a doctor walking calmly towards him. “I think I see the doctor Meesh.” Jensen breathed.

“Okay. Just remember what I told you.” Misha said. “And call me as soon as you find out. Regardless, I’ll be heading your way soon.”

“Alright. Love you Meesh.” Jensen breathed.

“Love you too Jen.” Misha said. And with that, Jensen hung up the phone before standing up.

“Mr. Ackles?” The doctor said as he approached Jensen.

“Yes.” He nodded.

“I’m sure you’re aware that your husband lost a lot of blood…”

“Yes.” Jensen nodded, unable to do –or say- anything else.

“You did a fantastic job keeping him alive before he got here. But even with that being the case, by the time your husband arrived…” The doctor paused, “It would have taken a miracle to save him…”

Jensen took a deep breath, preparing himself for the doctor’s words.

“But we did it Mr. Ackles. We saved him. Your husband is alive.” The doctor smiled.

“Wh—What?” Jensen started crying all over again, his tear ducts flooding open. “What?” Jensen felt his knees go weak and he dropped down onto his knees in front of the doctor. He felt like he was going to throw up, loose the lunch he never even had a chance to eat that day.

“He’s weak, and heavily sedated. But alive none the less.” The doctor said, lending Jensen a hand, though he wasn’t sure he could stand on his own two feet. “Do you want to see him?”

“Y—Yes.” Jensen nodded.

The doctor lead him down a long hallway, then down a second corridor, before stopping in front of one of the rooms.

“He’s in here. Go ahead and take your time, he probably wont be waking up anytime soon.” The doctor said. “Considering the fact that your husband’s injuries were self inflicted, we’re going to have to watch him for a couple of days. Then after that we’ll discuss…options.”

“Options?” Jensen asked.

“He needs strong psychiatric care. Definitely an evaluation at the very, _very_ least.” The doctor said drearily.

“He’s been seeing a psychiatrist for five years now. Three years when we lived in New York…and then two more since we moved here two years ago.” Jensen exhaled. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I think it’s time to switch.” The doctor ordered. “The hospital will direct you to the best psychiatrist San Antonio has to offer Mr. Ackles.”

Jensen didn’t even want to begin to think about how much this new psychiatrist was going to cost them.

“And just for clarifications sake. I assume this is not the first time your husband has attempted to harm himself…” The doctor peered.

“No Doctor. It’s not.” Jensen really didn’t feel like going in to intimate detail about his husband’s suicidal past right then. “There have been three other incidents in the past five years. There was one incident in particular, two years ago, that was the whole reason we moved out here in the first place.” Jensen shuttered as he remembered looking down the barrel of Jared’s gun. “Anyway, after two _happier_ years I thought things could only get better, but then THIS happened. I’m honestly beginning to lose hope.”

“Don’t.” The doctor said simply. “You’ll both get through this. Don’t give up now.” The Doctor wrote something down on his pad before looking back up at Jensen. “Now get in there!” He smiled. “I’ll check in with you later.”

“Thanks Doctor.” Jensen breathed. “For everything.”

The doctor nodded and began walking down the corridor, disappearing around the corner moments later.

Once Jensen was alone he took a deep breath, put his hand on the door-handle and pushed it down, silently preparing himself for whatever he was about to see.


	2. Two Years Ago: The Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After that night, nothing was the same.

*****Two Years Ago*****

“Jared. Sweetheart. Put the gun down.” Jensen said calmly.

Jared had a colt placed firmly against his temple. The gun was cocked, and his hand lay firmly against the trigger. Jared’s hand stayed steady and sure, never shaking as he tightly gripped the gun.

They were in their room with the door closed and locked shut. Only minutes beforehand, they were putting their five year old daughter to sleep, taking turns reading Goodnight Moon until Lilly’s eyes fluttered shut and the thumb she had been sucking on lazily fell out of her mouth.

Jared and Jensen had each kissed their daughter’s forehead before turning off the lights and walking out of her room. And now, as his husband stood in front of him with a gun pointed at his head, Jensen begged, _prayed_ that Jared would put the gun down so that they could talk about whatever was troubling him.

It had only been four minutes since Jensen drowsily stripped down to his boxer briefs and stepped into their bathroom to brush his teeth. He was tired from a long day of work, and well beyond ready to get in bed beside his husband.

But when Jensen walked out of the bathroom he noticed that his husband wasn’t in bed waiting for him, rather he was pacing back and forth around their dimly lit bedroom mumbling something.

It only took Jensen a moment to notice the gun.

And once he saw it, Jensen knew he had to act fast. He had to keep his husband from pulling that trigger.

“Give me one good fucking reason not to blow my goddamn brains out right fucking now.” Jared seethed.

“Because I love you.” Jensen’s breath caught in his throat, “Because Lilly loves you. Because we need you and you mean the whole goddamn world to us Jay.”

“Yeah sure. Don’t act like somehow I matter now, just because I have a fucking gun to my head. Is this what it takes to get your fucking attention Jensen?” Jared gritted his teeth.

“Jared. Baby. I don’t understand…” Jensen began to say. But he could tell by the fiery look in Jared’s eyes, that he had said the wrong thing.

“Of course you don’t understand. No one ever fucking understands.” Jared screamed.

“But I want to. I want to understand.” Jensen pleaded, “Just put the gun down and talk to me Jared. Please. Don’t do this. If not for me, then for Lilly. For our daughter…the one you kissed goodnight a few minutes ago…the one you promised to see in the morning.” Jensen thought about Lilly and silently prayed that when he and his husband kissed their daughter goodnight earlier it wouldn’t be for the last time.

“ _You_ promised. Not me.” Jared seethed, “ _You_ kissed her goodnight Jen… _I_ kissed her goodbye.”

“Jared—” Jensen tried to speak but he was abruptly cut off.

“And I know the only reason you don’t want me to do this is so that you don’t have to clean up the mess when it’s all over and done with.” Jared spat.

“Jay… you—you cant believe that’s true.” Jensen beseeched.

Jensen felt like he was quickly losing this battle, and that was something he just couldn’t allow to happen, so he racked his brain, tried to think of another angle he could approach his husband from. “Jared I need you.”

“Ha.” Jared scoffed.

Jensen didn’t know who he was looking at. This man…the man in front of him…the man who had a gun pointed at his head…that wasn’t his husband. This wasn’t the happy go lucky Sasquatch of a man that he married six years before. This wasn’t the sweet, smiling, boyishly dimpled man who had just lovingly kissed their daughter goodnight. This man…it wasn’t Jared. It wasn’t the man Jensen had fallen so deeply in love with.

Sure, Jensen was looking at the same beautiful face…the same chiseled body…the same tall frame…but he wasn’t looking at his husband…he wasn’t looking at Jared. The man who was staring at him…the man with the cold, feverish eyes… that wasn’t his husband.

“You don’t need me Jen.” Jared began to cry. “I’ve been nothing but a burden to you for so long. All I’ve done is get in your way…watched you fall apart as you scrambled to pick up the pieces of my broken, fucked up existence. I heard you on the phone with Misha this morning…”

 _Oh God._ Jensen thought. _Oh God._

“I heard you…crying…talking about how you didn’t think you could go through this again…bury another one of your babies, let alone _two_. All the while taking care of your damaged, depressed husband.” Tears continued to stream down Jared’s face.

A month earlier, Jared had given birth to a set of stillborn twins, -whom they had already named- Landon and Lucas. It was the second time it had happened to them…the first being the stillbirth of their son Elijah, three years before that.

All they wanted was to have a family. And after all of Jared’s struggles with infertility and an endless array of negative pregnancy tests…there had been three instances when he had actually been able to get pregnant. But only one of the pregnancies had been successfully carried to full term…Lilly’s.

But it had been three years since Eli’s stillbirth, three years since Jared had been diagnosed with clinical depression. But this was definitely the worst Jensen had ever seen him. Jensen had never seen an emptier human being in his entire life.

“I can’t lie and say I’m not hurting Jay…but trust me…there’s no greater hurt I can imagine than losing you too.” Jensen had never tried harder to fight back tears in his entire life. He couldn’t give in to his emotions. He couldn’t let his guard down. Not now.

“I ruined your life Jensen. Me and my fucking problems. I’m nothing but a burden.” Sweat dripped down Jared’s forehead as he spoke.

“That’s not true Jared.”

“It _is_ Jensen… I hate myself.” Jared choked on his words. “I hate everything about me. And I know you keep saying how much you love me…how much Lilly loves me…but I just can’t bring myself to believe you. How can you love me after I’ve brought you so much pain…So much suffering? How can you love me when I don’t even love myself?”

“There is so much to love, Jared.” Jensen beseeched.

“Maybe there used to be. But not anymore, not since I lost Eli. Not since I lost Landon and Lucas. Jen, I’m nothing.” Jared continued to raise his voice. “I’m nothing but a horrible father… a horrible husband.” Jared continued to cry. “I'm toxic. I can’t even keep a fucking baby inside of me without it dying Jen.”

“Baby please don’t talk like that. It’s not your fault. Not in the slightest.”

“I’m tired of naming babies that we never even get to hold!” Jared bellowed, “You don’t know what it’s like Jensen. _I’m_ the one who had to carry our sons inside of my stomach for six fucking months…nine if you count the _three months_ I had to continue carrying them even after we knew they were already gone. _I’m_ the one who had to give birth to them... give birth to our dead babies. And I’ve had to do it on two separate occasions.” Jared slid the gun down his face, past his cheek, until it was nestled beneath his chin, pointing upwards towards his face. “I’ve failed you Jensen…”

“Jay.” Jensen couldn’t help but become frantic. “Jared. PLEASE! Baby please put the gun down. I’m begging you!”

“I’ve failed you. I’ve failed you for the last time. And I’m sorry.” Jared wailed, shaking his head, and twisting the gun into the bottom of his chin.

“Hey Hey Hey!” Jensen held up his hands, “Look at Lilly. Huh? Our little miracle.” Jensen smiled, thinking of their five year old daughter who was peacefully sleeping in her room down the hall. “The doctors said you wouldn’t be able to carry her to full term. But you did it Baby. You did it. And it’s not your fault that you couldn’t do it again! It’s not your fault.”

Jared shook his head. “Yes. Yes it is. I’m useless. Can’t get pregnant. Can’t get you the baby boy you always wanted…the one we always dreamed of. I’m useless. Useless.” Jared brought the gun back to his temple.

“That’s not true. You know that.” Jensen reassured his husband. “You’re perfect Jared, in every way.” Jensen took a small step towards his husband.

“You’re smart.”

He took another step.

“You’re beautiful.”

Then another.

“And honest.”

Then another.

“You’re everything I’ve always wanted. And I love you so, so much.”

Jensen took a final step. He was now just a little more than an arms length away from his husband. “I love you Jared, with all of my heart.” He exhaled.

Jensen continued to stare at Jared, trying to find even a shadow of his husband in the other mans eyes. But there was nothing. Nothing at all.

“If you love me so goddamn much…” Jared took the gun away from his temple and pointed it at Jensen, “Then come with me. Come with me Jen.”

“Lilly.” Jensen took a deep breath in an attempt to keep himself calm. “Lilly needs us.”

“I’ll take her too.” Jared smiled, nonchalantly waiving the gun –though he kept it pointed at Jensen. “We can still be a family. Together. You, me, Lilly, Eli, and the twins. We can all be a family. Finally…finally be happy.”

“I _am_ happy Jay.” Jensen professed. “I’m happy. Lilly is happy. Put the gun down and I can help you. I can help you be happy too.” Jensen put his hand on his heart. “I love you Jared, and I know you love me too. So please, _please_ don’t hurt me, or Lillian, or yourself.” Jensen couldn’t hold his tears back any longer. He did what he had been trying so hard not to do. He cried.

And that was it. That was what it took for Jared to put the safety back on the gun and forcefully toss it on the ground. Jared watched it slide against the wood floor until it hit the wall with a quiet thud, coming to a stop.

Jared’s eyes stayed pinned to the ground as he began frantically running his hands through his hair, grabbing and pulling at it until he was grasping fistfuls of his long brown locks. “I’m so tired Jen.” Jared looked up at his husband with tears in his eyes, a look of pure desperation on his face. “I’m tired.” He repeated.

Jensen cried harder as Jared closed the distance that previously lingered between them and dropped to the floor, collapsing at Jensen’s feet.

“I’m tired.” Jared bawled as he looked up at his husband. He wrapped his arms around Jensen’s legs and continued to cry. “I’m tired and I just want this all to end. I want all of it to be over.” Jared’s breath hitched in his throat, “I just…I just want to hold my babies.”

Jensen was completely at a loss. He wanted to tell Jared that it would be okay. He wanted to comfort his husband. But words just wouldn’t come out…he had already said enough. So he settled for what he believed was the next best thing.

“Shhh, Shhh.” Jensen got down on his knees and held Jared tightly, petting his hair. “Shhhh.” He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to feel…besides _alive_.

But that was good enough for him, and right then, Jensen figured it was good enough for Jared too. So they sat there, with Jared crying in Jensen’s arms, until they both fell asleep.

****

Jensen never told anyone about that night.

No one except Misha, whom he called the next morning.

And it was Misha who suggested that Jensen move his family to Texas -specifically San Antonio- so that Jared could be closer to his family. And though it was hard leaving his friends behind and the life he had made in the Big Apple, Jensen knew it was the right thing to do. So a month later they moved back to the Lone Star State, and once they settled into a routine and got Jared a new psychiatrist, it seemed like things were finally going to be okay.

And they were, for a while.


	3. Wet Bandage

********Present Day********

 

Jensen stayed by his husband’s bedside, holding one of Jared’s bandaged hands as he watched his husband sleep for five forlorn hours. Jensen was well beyond grateful-or satisfied- to see the simple motion of Jared’s chest rising and falling…because it meant Jared was still breathing…because it meant Jared was still alive. 

Around one A.M., after calling his parents, Misha, and the Padalecki’s –Lilly was still awake when he called them, because she insisted on staying awake until she knew her Daddy was okay— Jensen nodded off to sleep. 

And the next morning, when Jensen opened his eyes, he saw Jared’s eyes staring back at him, drowsy and heavy. 

Jensen was so surprised; he swore he felt his heart skip a few beats.

“I’m sorry.” Jared said faintly, before letting his eyes flutter closed. 

“It’s okay Baby.” Jensen kissed Jared’s bandaged wrist. “It’s okay. It’s okay now.”

Three hours later Jared opened his eyes again, but Jensen failed to notice. He had his fingers laced with his husband’s and was resting his head on their hands. “I really thought I was going to lose you this time.” Jensen breathed. Tears were beginning to escape his eyes, but he didn’t bother wiping them away. “How could you do this to yourself? To me? To Lilly? To us?” Jensen wondered. “You didn't even say goodbye Jay…” 

Jensen looked up when he heard Jared begin to whimper, and saw a tear roll down his husband’s cheek. “Baby.” Jensen breathed.

“Am I dead?” Jared asked.

“No Sweetheart, you’re not.” Jensen said, “You’re at University Hospital. You had a horrible accident. But you’re okay now. Thank God you’re okay.”

“It wasn’t an accident.” Jared sighed. Jensen could see the sadness in his eyes. He could feel the pain in Jared’s voice.

“Jared please.” Jensen beseeched. 

“It wasn’t an accident Jen.” Jared repeated. “But I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. I’m really sorry.” Jared began to sniffle as more tears rolled down his cheek.

Jensen squeezed his hand, “W—What?” He asked.

“Everything hurts Jen. And it’s not just emotional pain…it’s physical too.” Jared continued to cry. “I should have told you before.” 

“Well I know now. And we’re going to fix this. We’re going to get you some help Jay.” Jensen sighed.

“I just want the pain to go away.” Jared whimpered. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me Jen. I love you so, _so_ much. And I love Lilly…but I’m just sad. So sad all the time. And so tired.” Jared breathed.

It hurt Jensen so much to hear his husband talk that way. 

“I did everything I could Jay.” Jensen sniffled. “Baby I did _everything_.” He looked at his husband, a single tear rolling down his cheek, “But I guess that just wasn’t enough.” He breathed. “I guess that just wasn’t enough this time. So we’re going to find someone else who can help you.”  

There was silence.

“I can’t remember the last time I was happy.” Jared exhaled. 

Jensen felt like he had just been shot in the heart. 

“I want to be happy Jen.” Jared continued. “I want that more than anything in the entire world…but it’s like…it’s like my body doesn’t want me to be happy…or my own mind, even. I’m constantly fighting with myself, and _happiness_ …it never wins. It never wins Jen.” 

“We’re gunna get you help Jay. Whatever it takes.” Jensen promised. “Just get some rest okay. Let’s start with that.” Jensen rubbed the back of Jared’s hand with his thumb. “It’s been a rough day. Just try and get some rest okay Baby.” 

“I’m afraid Jen.” Jared confessed. “I don’t want to sleep. What if I don’t wake up…”

“You will Jay. I promise. And I’ll be right by your side. I’m not going to leave you. I’m not going to give up on you. _Ever!_ Do you hear me?” Jensen asserted. 

Jared nodded his head, not even attempting to blink back tears. He just let them fall. “I love you.” Jared sniffled. “I love you Jensen.”

“I love you too Jared.” Jensen kissed him on the cheek and brushed his hair out of his face. “Get some sleep.”

Jared’s eyes fluttered closed and Jensen sat back, watching his husband’s chest rise and fall as he fell back to sleep.


	4. Sacrifice

Jared had been sleeping for twenty four hours, which Jensen didn’t think was humanly possible. But apparently it was. Jared’s physician, Doctor Richardson, said it was because of the cocktail of drugs and sedatives Jared had been given, all combined with his husband’s current state of mind. 

When Jensen asked Dr. Richardon what that meant, he said that simply, ‘Jared didn’t _want_ to wake up,’ so they weren’t going to make him. That worked better for them anyway. The doctors needed to keep Jared sedated for a few more hours while they ran some tests on him, but after that they said they would wake him up again…by force if necessary. So Jensen just sat there watching Jared, until Misha arrived at the hospital, alone. 

Jensen understood when the Padalecki’s said they couldn’t see Jared. His parents knew they would do more harm than good if they visited him. Gerald knew he didn’t have anything to say to his son. He knew he wasn’t sensitive enough to deal with the situation properly. Sherri was the complete opposite. She knew she was too sensitive. All that would result from her visiting would be a boatload of tears, which would do neither her, nor her son, any good. And though it saddened him, Jensen appreciated the fact that Jared’s parents were considerably self-aware. 

So Gerald and Sherri were tasked with the difficult duty of keeping Lilly busy, and as far away from the hospital as physically -and mentally- possible. The last thing Jensen wanted was for Lilly to see her father like this. He wanted to keep her innocent and untainted by the truth behind her father’s actions. But Jensen knew that soon enough, she would see Jared’s scars and begin asking questions that neither of them would be ready to answer. So Jensen felt it was better to just keep her oblivious for the time being. He had to concentrate on ensuring Jared’s well being, even if it meant the deterioration of his own.

“When’s the last time you ate Jen?” Misha asked his friend. Sincerity plagued his voice.

They were sitting together at the Starbucks located on the first floor of the hospital. Jensen spun his empty cup of coffee on the table in front of him. “I don’t know.” He inhaled deeply, letting the smell of coffee fill his nostrils before slowly exhaling. “Two days ago?” He guessed.

“Jen…” Misha looked at him worriedly, “You have to eat.” 

“I can’t keep anything down.” Jensen confessed, “I just need to know that Jared’s going to be okay.” 

“I know that. And he will be.” Misha assured him. He pushed his uneaten scone in front of Jensen, “Just take a bite at least.”

Jensen groaned and shook his head. 

“C’mon. The last thing we need is for you to pass out and end up in your own hospital bed.” Misha sighed.

“If they wheeled my bed in next to Jared’s then I’d be okay with that.” Jensen half-joked. 

“How are you going to help him from there Jen?” Misha asked.

Jensen stayed silent and Misha nudged the scone again, “Just eat. Okay.” 

Jensen finally obliged Misha by taking a small bite of the blueberry scone. “Happy?” Jensen asked.

“Finish it and I will be.” Misha smiled. 

Jensen continued to eat with a sad frown permanently placed on his face. “I just wish we could trade places, you know?” He breathed, “ I would take all of it…all of his pain, _forever_ , if it meant he could be happy again.”

Misha reached out and put an apologetic hand on Jensen’s as he continued to speak.

“I would do _anything_ , give _anything_ for him to be happy again Meesh. I wish he never even met me, that way none of this would have happened.” Jensen whimpered. 

“Don’t say that Jen.” Misha appealed, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Jared aside from Lilly. Without you, he wouldn’t have her! His infertility is neither of your faults.” Misha continued, “Without you, Jared would still be experiencing the same problems; the only difference is that someone else would have had to deal with them. And what if that person didn’t care for Jared the way that you do? What if that person wasn’t as loving or as patient as you Jen? Who knows where Jared would…or wouldn’t be, without you?” He paused. “I for one, am happy we never have to find out.”

“You always know the right thing to say.” Jensen smiled at his best friend. 

“It’s a gift.” Misha shrugged and they both laughed. Jensen’s was a pained one, but a laugh nonetheless.

“How long ‘til Jared’s out of here?” Misha asked.

“I don’t know. It’s his second day in here, which is technically supposed to be his last, but the doctors are still running some tests on him.” Jensen said. “Hopefully I’ll get to take him home by tomorrow at the latest.”

“I stopped by the Padalecki’s yesterday after I got in. They seem to be handling things alright. Even Lilly.” Misha assured Jensen.

“I hope so.” Jensen yawned, “I talk to Lilly every few hours. I think she’ll be alright as long as Sherri keeps giving her two scoops of ice cream for desert. It’s more than she usually gets so she must be having a field day.” He laughed. “Jared would have a heart attack if he knew she was eating ice cream two nights in a row.” Jensen feigned a smile. “I guess what he doesn’t know wont hurt him…” 

“Alright.” Misha drummed on the table, signaling it was time to get out of the dimly lit coffee shop. “Whaddya say we go back upstairs and check on the hubby? Maybe he’s awake.” 

“Okay.” Jensen hummed and got up from the table.

They made their way to the ninth floor and down the hall to Jared’s hospital room. They were about to open the door when Jensen heard his name being called from a distance. 

“Mr. Ackles! Mr. Ackles.” Doctor Richardson called from the other side of the hallway. “I’ve been looking all over for you!” 

Jensen paused, his hand still on the door handle as he watched the doctor approach him. “Can I speak with you for a moment?” Dr. Richardson asked. He looked at Jensen and then at Misha before adding, “In private, if you don’t mind.” 

“Oh-kay. I’m gunna go take a walk.” Misha smiled sheepishly as he pointed down the hall and began walking. 

“Mr. Ackles, follow me please.” Dr. Richardson led Jensen to a boardroom down the hall where they both proceeded to take a seat across from each other at the long table. “We’ve finished doing all of the necessary tests that your husband needs.” The doctor continued, “And as a result there are some things I need to discuss with you.” 

“Sure, but is he awake? Is he okay?” Jensen asked, though he wasn’t exactly sure what ‘okay’ even meant anymore.

“Yes he’s awake, and quite lethargic. But that is to be expected.” Dr. Richardson said.

“Thank God.” Jensen sighed, “So what is there to discuss?” 

“Everything.” The doctor asserted. “Mainly, your husband’s response to waking up.” 

“What did he do?” Jensen pondered. 

“Well he asked if he was dead, and when we told him that he wasn’t, he….” Dr. Richardson paused. 

“He what?” Jensen solicited.

Dr. Richardson sighed before opening his mouth again to speak. “He asked us to kill him.” 

Jensen couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I…I don’t understand?” Jensen began to cry. It seemed like that’s all he ever did these days. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.” 

“There’s no easy way to say this Mr. Ackles.” Dr. Richardson exhaled. “But I believe that currently, your husband is past the point of receiving simple psychiatric help.” 

“W—what?” Jensen whimpered.

“At this point I fear not even a psychiatrist can help your husband. At least not yet.” Dr. Richardson continued, “I’m afraid something must be done first.” 

“What needs to be done?” Jensen cried, “Whatever it costs, whatever it is…just please help him. I’m begging you.” 

“Options are very limited at this point Mr. Ackles.” Dr. Richardson said remorsefully, “We’re pulling out our reserves here.” 

“Okay.” Jensen sighed, waiting for the doctor to continue. 

“Your husband’s best bet is going to be ECT.” 

“What?” 

“Electroconvulsive Therapy.”

“I know what that is.” Jensen sighed. Back in New York, Jared’s old physician had suggested the same thing. “There’s no way I’m putting him through that.”

“Mr. Ackles, I really think this is something you should consider.” Doctor Richardson beseeched. “I didn’t want to call it a last resort, but unfortunately that’s what it is.” He sighed, “It’s already been two days…and your husband just asked us to _kill_ him. I can’t send your husband home with you in his current state, and we can only keep him here for so long.” 

“I’m not going to let you _electrocute_ my husband!” Jensen exclaimed, “What is this, 1953?”

“Mr. Ackles, I know it’s a hard concept to grasp, but ECT works on eighty percent of people with major depression. Those are great odds.” Doctor Richardson explained. 

“This is insane.” Jensen breathed. He took a moment to collect himself. The last doctor hadn’t even gotten a chance to explain the procedure before Jensen had stormed out of his office. But now, things were different. If there was an eighty percent chance he could get even a resemblance of his husband back it was worth a shot, right? “Will it hurt him?” Jensen asked worriedly.

“He won’t remember a single part of the therapy because he will be under a general anesthetic.” Doctor Richardson guaranteed.

“That wasn’t my question.” Jensen sighed before repeating his previous question. “Will it hurt him?”

“I can assure you, no treatment has ever been more affective for depression of this caliber.” Doctor Richardson continued.

“Please!” Jensen felt increasingly antsy. “Will you answer my goddamn question?” 

The doctor let out a sigh. “It’s not like you see in the movies. We will administer both a muscle relaxant and an anesthetic so that your husband won’t feel anything.” 

“So he won’t be in any pain?” Jensen implored.

Dr. Richardson continued, “Not at all. He might get a slight headache after. But it will be well worth it. I full heartedly believe that a few hours of physical pain are worth the lifetime of happiness your husband could potential gain.” 

Jensen continued to cry. “Jared doesn’t deserve this. After everything he’s been through…Jared deserves to be happy. He deserves the world.” Jensen whimpered. “I just don’t understand how it came to this.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Ackles. I truly am.” Doctor Richardson put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “But I promise you, there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. Your husband will get better. I’ll try everything in my power to make it so.” Dr. Richardson pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, handing them both to Jensen. “With your insurance, the ECT will cost $1,500 per session. Standard procedure is for the patient to have ten sessions, to ensure they don’t relapse. That puts your total at $15,000.” 

Jensen was getting dizzy just thinking about the numbers Dr. Richardson was nonchalantly throwing around. Their family was currently living off of one income –with the exception of Jared’s disability checks- and Lilly was in private school. Jensen cried harder as he immediately realized he would have to pull his daughter out of the school he and Jared had worked so hard to put her into.

“I’ll give you a moment to think it over.” Dr. Robinson said. “We can start the sessions in two days if you’re ready.”

“I’ll do it.” Jensen said, picking up the pen. “Where do I sign?” 

Jensen was willing to sacrifice everything he had. And if this was their last resort, he hoped with all his heart that for everyone's sake, it would work. Because if it didn’t, Jensen was afraid he might lose Jared for good.


	5. Enough is Enough

“Papa when will I get to see you and Daddy again?” Lilly asked. Her voice was quiet on the other end of the phone. 

Jensen hadn’t been home in the four days since Jared had been admitted to the hospital. He’d been spending his days and nights at the hospital by Jared’s side. But he missed seeing his little blonde-pigtailed daughter and her freckled face. He missed her wide smile, bottle green eyes, and her dimples that were so deep they rivaled her Daddy’s. All in all, Jensen just wanted to hold his daughter in his arms, hold on to the little piece of Jared that resided in their daughter, a symbol of the happiness they once shared. 

But he had to stay at the hospital for a little while longer because in less than an hour Jared was going to undergo his first treatment, and Jensen was going to be there by his side, holding his hand the entire time.

“You’ll get to see me tonight Lillypad!” Jensen smiled into the phone, “And hopefully you’ll get to see Daddy before the end of the week.” 

“Is Daddy feeling better?” Lilly asked.

“Yeah, He’s doin’ alright.” Jensen tried to reassure his daughter, “Pretty soon he’s going to be as strong as Superman again.”

“Strong enough to lift me again? I miss flying.” Lilly said excitedly. 

Jensen remembered how Jared used to toss Lilly three feet into the air and catch her in his arms for ten minutes at a time without ever getting tired. He remembered the way their daughter used to beg Jared to lift her, always chanting the same thing. _“Daddy lift lift! Daddy lift Lilly!”_ She used to sing. _“Daddy lift lift Lilly!”_  

And Jared always did, because he couldn’t say no to their pretty little miracle.

With the exception of Jared’s first bad day, five years ago, when he scared Jensen into finally getting him some help. That day when Lilly came singing her song, Jared didn’t toss her towards the sky, he pushed her to the ground. 

But that was then. Hopefully it wouldn’t be _now_ too.

“Daddy will be strong enough to lift you again soon. I promise.” Jensen said. “How are things going over there? Have you been doing all of your homework?”

“Everything is fine! Grandma still gives me ice cream every night. Please don’t tell Daddy.” Lilly pleaded.

“I promise I won’t tell him.” Jensen smiled. 

“Thanks Papa.” Lilly said, “Anyway. Guess how high I can count now. Never mind don’t guess I’ll tell you. I can count all the way to two hundred Papa. Do you want me to show you?” Lilly took a deep breath. 

“No no Lillypad it’s okay. I believe you.” Jensen said. 

Dr. Richardson came out of Jared’s room and walked over to Jensen, who was loitering in the hallway. “It’s time.” He said. Jensen nodded. 

“Hey Lillypad I have to go now okay. But I love you and I’ll see you tonight.” Jensen said.

“Okay Papa. See you soon.” Lilly said before making a kissy noise. “Muuah. I love you.” 

Jensen made the noise back at her before hanging up the phone and turning to face Dr. Richardson. 

“Alright, we’re about to anesthetize him.” Dr. Richardson explained. “He’s awake right now, so you can go in there and talk to him before we start. Mind you, he’s a little on edge.” 

Jensen nodded and Dr. Richardson disappeared into the room before reappearing in the hallway a minute later with the rest of his team. “We’ll give you five minutes.” Dr. Richardson said before looking at his watch.

Jensen took a deep breath before walking into Jared’s room. Because Jared had spent the better part of the past four days asleep, Jensen hadn’t really gotten a chance to speak to him since he was first admitted, and that conversation had torn Jensen apart. But now that Jared was awake, Jensen couldn’t wait to speak to him again. He just wanted to hear his husband’s voice.

When Jensen walked in, his eyes immediately locked on Jared, who was staring blankly at the ceiling, chest rising and falling just like it was when Jensen left him earlier. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his face lacked any resemblance of emotion. Jensen wanted to look away, but he couldn’t.

“Jay?” Jensen cautiously walked towards his husband. “Jay can you hear me?” 

Jared didn’t respond. 

“Jared, sweetheart.” Jensen was now standing above him. He took Jared’s hand in his. “Talk to me Jay.” 

His pleas were met by more silence. 

“Please Jay.” Jensen begged.

Jared still didn’t reply. Instead he closed his eyes, and began to cry. 

“Jared what’s wrong?” Jensen begged. “Just tell me what’s wrong.” 

Finally Jared spoke. “Everything is wrong Jen.”

Jensen felt tears build up in his own eyes. _No, not this. Not again._

“I’m scared.” Jared cried, “I know they’re gunna shock me Jen. And I don’t want it.” Jared tried to shake is hand free, but Jensen held it tighter. “I don’t want it!” 

“It’s okay Baby. You’re not going to feel anything. Nothing at all!” Jensen leaned in to place a kiss on Jared’s forehead but he swiftly turned away so Jensen’s mouth landed in his hair. 

“I. Don’t. Wan’t. It.” Jared repeated.

“The therapy?” Jensen was confused. “Why? Don’t you want to feel better?” 

“ _Fuck_ feeling better.” Jared spat. “I just want to _feel_.” 

“Baby what?” Jensen asked.

“I want the therapy. But I don’t want the anesthetic.” Jared explained.

“Why would you—” Jensen was cut off by his husband.

“I want to feel…something.” Jared whimpered. “Even if it’s pain. At least it’s something.”

“I don’t think they can do that Jay.” Jensen tried to rationalize with his husband. 

“Tell them that I won’t do it.” Jared huffed.

"Jared please." Jensen begged.

"No." Jared said sharply.

Clearly there would be no winning with him. “Okay, I’ll tell them.” Jensen sighed, “Now will you at least talk to me for a little while?”

Jared went back to giving Jensen the silent treatment.

“Jay.” Jensen breathed, and Jared turned his head away from him.

That was it. Jensen had finally had enough. He grabbed Jared’s face between his hands and forced his husband to look at him. 

“Look at me Jay.” Jensen cried. “I’m trying. I’m really trying. I’ve been so patient, but I don’t know what to do now Jay. What the fuck do you want me to do? Go away? Let you die? I’m sorry but I can’t. And I won’t.”

Jensen tasted the salt from his tears as they slipped into the corner of his mouth. “Jay. When you stop breathing, I stop breathing. If your heart stops, my heart stops. Don’t you get it? I love you goddammit, and I miss the man you used to be. I miss my fucking husband okay.” 

Jared struggled to wiggle his head out of Jensen’s grasp, but he couldn’t, and Jensen continued to talk. “I miss your smile...Your _real_ smile. And your laugh...your _real_ laugh. I miss kissing you. I miss holding you. I miss making love to you Jay…”

Jared stayed silent and stone faced.

“You used to say that our love could move mountains, that it was the only thing we ever needed. But then we decided we wanted a physical product of our love…a baby. And we tried, and we failed, and we tried, and we failed, again, and again, and again until we had Lilly.” Jensen took a breath before continuing.

“But it still wasn’t enough.” Jensen cried, “We wanted a boy. So we kept trying. We got greedy… _I_ got greedy. So I pushed, and I pushed you to keep trying, until that’s all we ever did. And it consumed you Jay. It fucking consumed you until there was nothing _left_ of you.” Jensen wept, “It’s my fault okay. _Mine_. And I’m sorry I caused this… I’m sorry I broke you. But I’ll be damned if I can’t put you back together again.”

A single tear crept down Jared’s cheek.

Jensen continued to speak. “I love you with everything I have Jared. _Everything._ And I’m sorry we lost Eli, and I’m sorry we lost Lucas, and I’m sorry we lost Landon. But we can’t do anything about it. We have to _move on._ And I don’t want to go through his _ever_ again. So you’re going to get this fucking treatment, and you’re going to get better…and we’re going to stop trying, okay. Because I can’t stand to see you like this anymore...Okay?” 

Jensen took two deep breaths in an attempt to keep his crying at bay, but it hardly worked. He brought his head down to Jared’s chest and wept, crying harder than he though was humanly possible, when Jared reached up and brushed Jensen’s short hair with his hands. 

“Okay.” Jared breathed. “I’ll do it.” 

Jensen ran out of the room before Jared had a chance to change his mind.


	6. Elijah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared's first 'bad day'

*****Five Years Ago*****

 

Jared hadn’t gotten out of bed in five days. Hadn’t eaten in three. Hadn’t opened his mouth to speak in a little over two. All he did was stare at their bedroom wall for hours on end, only moving so that he could turn over to look at the wall on the opposite side of the room. It was a cycle that was only broken on every sixth day, when Jensen would force his husband to get out of bed for ten minutes so that he could bathe him… _with_ him if he was lucky.

And lately, Jensen hadn’t been so lucky. Jared flinched at the slightest touch, groaned whenever anyone got more than two feet near him. 

It was mid March, and it had been four months since the stillbirth of their first son, Elijah. He was their beautiful boy. Their beautiful, stillborn baby boy. Frozen in time, at the tender age of twenty four weeks. 

On that fateful Tuesday seven months ago, Jared and Jensen found out they had lost Eli. But that was hardly the worst of their news. What ruined them, what _killed_ them, was the fact that Jared still had to carry out the last three months of his pregnancy. 

Jared had to carry their stillborn son to full term. He had to continue living with Eli buried inside of his stomach for three more months, though neither his stomach –nor the baby inside of it- would continue to grow.

That’s when Jared began to change. That’s when he began to despise himself - _his body-_ for taking away the baby he and Jensen had begun to love so feverishly. 

The day Elijah was born Jared went through ten hours of painful labor, only to give birth to their dead son. Eli was silent and unmoving when Jared gave birth to him. The only one making any noise was Jensen, who was crying. 

Jared couldn’t cry, he couldn’t feel anything. And though he wanted to blame his numbness on the epidural...he knew better than that. Jared just knew that he felt empty inside…emptier than he’d ever felt before. 

When the doctor asked them if they wanted to see their son, Jared hastily declined…but Jensen said yes…and he immediately regretted it.

When Jensen laid eyes on their lifeless little infant, he broke down. Eli had his Daddy’s nose and his Papa’s ears. Jensen knew if he had a chance to grow up, Eli would have been quite a looker. 

Jensen smiled through his tears…unable to look at his stillborn son for more than a few seconds before asking the nurses to take him away. 

That day…Eli’s birth simultaneously served as his funeral.

And after that day, Jared changed. He _really_ changed. 

And he hadn’t been the same ever since. 

After he got back from the hospital the cycle began. The doctors said Jared might show signs of postpartum depression for a while –It came with the territory—…And Jensen assumed that with time, those feelings would pass. 

But he was wrong. Four months had passed since Eli’s stillbirth, yet still, the most Jensen could get out of his husband were one-syllable words: yes, no, okay…never anything more than that. 

Jensen missed his lively, goofball of a husband…and though she had only been two at the time, Jensen knew Lilly missed Jared too…missed the way he used to lift her into the air, throw her, and catch her so she would land gently in his arms. 

But that day in mid-March, something happened. When Jared was on the third day of his melancholic cycle, Lilly scampered into her parents’ room. Jensen followed closely behind her, smiling as his daughter ran to Jared’s side of the bed, chanting the same words she used to months before. 

“Daddy lift lift!” Lilly smiled as she reached her hands in the air, grabbing at the barren space above her head. “Daddy lift Lilly! Daddy lift lift Lilly!”

Jared groaned and ignored her, drowning her out by placing his pillow over his head.

Jensen’s lip trembled. He tried to hold back tears as he watched Lilly poke at her father. “Hey Lillypad” Jensen called his daughter by her favorite nickname, “Why don’t you come with me and we’ll go make pancakes for Daddy?” Jensen breathed before motioning for his daughter to come to him, “I think Daddy’s just a little tired.” 

And it was true, Jared _had_ been tired. He’d been tired for the past seven months. 

“No Papa!” Lilly kept poking at Jared, “Daddy lift lift! Daddy lift Lilly!” She clapped and sang. “Daddy lift –” 

“Shut the fuck up!” Jared howled. He brought an arm out from under the covers and used it to push his daughter away from his side. Jensen’s mouth hung open as he watched their daughter stumble backwards before falling onto her back. "I'm fucking tired." Jared screamed.

It only took a moment for Jensen to break out of his trance, and he ran towards Lilly, catching her head in his hands before it had a chance to hit the wood floor of their bedroom. 

Lilly immediately began to wail, and Jensen scooped her up, unable to believe what had just transpired in front of him.

"Goddammit Lillian can't you ever shut your goddamn mouth." Jared yelled.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jensen hollered, holding their screaming daughter in his arms. He looked down at the bed, where Jared still held a pillow over his head. Jensen could have sworn Jared was saying something, but he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of their screaming daughter, and the barrier of the pillow -which already muffled Jared’s words. “Who the hell do you think you are?” Jensen yelled “Huh? Who the hell have you become Jared?” 

At that, Jared threw the pillow off of his face and Jensen saw that he was crying."A murderer." Jared sobbed, "I'm a fucking murderer."

"What are you  _talking_ about?" Jensen asked, completely in disbelief.

"I killed him Jen. I killed our fucking baby." Jared cried. "And I can't live with myself. I can't live with what I've become."

"Jay STOP!" Jensen begged, still trying to soothe their crying daughter. "It wasn't your fault. The doctors told you what happened."

"They told me I have a problem." Jared wept.

"It's nothing we can't handle Jay." Jensen assured him, "And I can't have you taking this out on our daughter. You really could have hurt her. All she wants is her Daddy."

"He's dead." Jared cried. "He died with Eli."

Jensen felt his heart stop beating, and he thought for a moment, that he had just died too. "Baby, don't talk like that." Jensen breathed, "You can't say things like that. We need you Jay. We need you  _alive_."

"I don't care." Jared wailed.

"You don't _care_?" Jensen repeated in shock.

“No.” Jared sobbed.

Lilly continued to cry as Jensen bounced her on his hip. "Jared we lost Eli four months ago" Jensen began.

"Seven." Jared corrected, "It's been seven months since we found out."

"Okay." Jensen huffed, "And do you think I'm not just as upset and broken up about it as you are Jay?"

"You've got a funny way of showing it." Jared flared.

"You think that _I_ have a funny way of showing it? What are you  _talking_ about? I haven't even had  _time_ to grieve." Jensen growled, "We have a daughter to take care of! We have work to do! Bills to pay! We can't all just wallow in our own fucking misery like you do all day."

"Fuck you Jensen" Jared spat.

“Ex—Excuse me?” Jensen let out a shocked whisper. 

“Fuck. You.” Jared repeated. “Fuck you! Fuck Lilly! Fuck it all! Fuck it all goddammit.” Jared howled. “Just let me rot here. Just let me die.” 

“That’s it Jay.” Jensen tried to keep his composure…tried to breathe. “I can’t do this anymore."

"Then don't. I'll be dead soon anyway." Jared promised.

"Wh-What?" Jensen asked.

"I told you. I'm done." Jared sniffled."Look what I just did to Lilly? What if I hurt her? What If I hurt you? I'm a monster Jen."

Jensen was silent for a moment. He looked Jared in the eye before turning to their daughter, who had finally fallen silent. Snot was dripping from her nose as a result of her crying. "No you're not." Jensen sighed. He opened his dresser drawer in order to find something he could use to wipe Lilly's nose. He couldn't find a cloth napkin, so he settled on one of his shirts. He could always wash it anyway.

When he was pulling out his shirt, an envelope fell to the ground. Along the center of the envelope, in Jared's perfectly written cursive, was Jensen's name. "What is this?" Jensen asked, squatting so that he could pick up the letter while he held on to Lilly. "Jared what is this?" Jensen waved the envelope in the air. Jared stayed silent.

Jensen opened the envelope and pulled out the piece of folded paper that was inside. He quickly unfolded it, but had to stop reading after he glossed over the first few lines: 

_Dear Jensen,_

_My husband. My sweetheart. My freckled prince._

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fooled you into thinking I was worthy of your love. I never deserved you, and I never deserved Lilly. And I guess God decided he was tired of giving me things that I already knew I didn't deserve, so he took Eli away from me...away from us. But maybe this time God will take pity on me and give me the one thing I know I do deserve...Death. Even if I have make it happen on my own terms.  _

Jensen stopped reading. "Jay!" Jensen was crying now, "What is this?"

Jared looked up at him with sad eyes, and a look of utter despair on his face. "You know what it is Jen."

"Goddammit Jay!" Jensen's breath caught in his throat and Lilly wrapped her arms tighter around his midsection. "We’re getting you some help.” Jensen whimpered. "We're getting you some help  _today._ "

Later that week, they got the official diagnosis.


	7. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen knows that things have to get worse before they get better. But he has faith that things will get better soon...they just have to.

Jared changed his mind pretty quickly.

Watching the nurses hold Jared down was the hardest thing Jensen ever had to watch. It was devastating. The way Jared thrashed his arms, screaming and crying, begging Jensen to make the nurses let him go. The way he haphazardly tried to wrestle the nurses away, the way he riled around until they eventually secured the oxygen mask around his face, pumping him full of anesthetic… It was all so surreal. It was so _fucking_ surreal.

Jensen felt like he was watching some sick, twisted movie. He watched in shock as the doctors administered the muscle relaxer with an abnormally large needle before placing electrodes on Jared’s forehead. Next Dr. Richardson placed some kind of mouth guard between Jared’s teeth so that he wouldn’t bite his tongue before placing two bigger electrons on Jared’s temple and one on the middle of his head.

Once he was knocked out, Jensen took hold of his husband’s hand yet another time. He promised Jared he would never leave him, and he meant it. But he wouldn’t let Jared go through any more pain, no matter how much he begged. Jensen just wouldn’t let it happen.

Finally, the shock was administered, and Jared’s body began to seize. The nurses held him down for what seemed like forever –but was only about a minute- until he finally stopped twitching.

“That’s it! That’s all there is to it!” Dr. Richardson turned to Jensen and smiled. He removed the electrodes from Jared’s forehead. “Just a few more of these sessions and you’ll get to see your husband smile again.”

Jensen couldn’t wait.

*****

Two days later, the doctors said Jared could finally go home.

“Did you hear that Baby!” Jensen said excitedly, “You get to come home.”

They we’re sitting together in Dr. Richardson’s office.

“Yup! Just as soon as you sign these release forms, you’ll be good to go.” Dr. Richardson smiled before turning to Jared. “Now isn’t that some exciting news?”

Jared nodded before saying, “Yeah.” Deciding to keep his response short and simple.

“Lilly’s so excited to see you Baby!” Jensen grabbed Jared’s hand. “Everyone is! No one can wait to see you.”

Jensen thought it would be a good idea to surround Jared with the people he loved…or who loved him…upon his arrival. So Jensen decided he was going to throw him a small welcome home gathering.

Earlier that day, Lilly had painted the words _Welcome Home Daddy_ on a large banner and Jensen helped her hang it under the banister of their stairs. Currently, the living room and kitchen were occupied by the Ackles’, the Padalecki’s –including Jared’s siblings- and the Collins’ –including Vicki and the kids, who had flown in for the weekend.

Dr. Richardson hadn’t necessarily been in favor of the idea at first. In fact, he insisted that Jared should go home to a quiet, more or less empty house…but that just didn’t sound right to Jensen.

After he explained to Dr. Richardson that Jared used to love being in a house full of family and friends, the doctor slowly warmed up to the idea. Jensen managed to convince him that it would be good for Jared to get a taste of how things used to be, back when they were at their happiest and their home was always full of smiling faces. 

“Now before you leave we need to discuss a few important things, just so that you are aware of what your situation is before we continue on with the treatments. I’ll give you the spiel first, then you can ask questions at the end, okay?” Dr. Richardson informed. Though he was always a tough doctor to read, this time as he was getting ready to speak, Jensen caught a look of remorse in his eyes. For this reason Jensen grabbed on to his husband’s hand and wrapped his fingers wrapped tightly around Jared’s. 

“This is going to be hard to hear, but bear with me…” Dr. Richardson began. 

 _Goddammit,_ Jensen thought, He knew it was going to be something bad.

Dr. Richardson continued speaking. “Jared, at this point in your life I’m sorry to tell you that it is physically impossible for you to have another child.”

Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand in an effort to comfort him, but when he looked up at his husband his face was completely void of emotion. 

Dr. Richardson continued, “Your fertility rate was incredibly low to begin with, but after these treatments… It’s just not going to happen.” 

Jared nodded though he began to cry. Jensen felt so helpless. He wanted to cry too, but what good would that do for them? So instead he rubbed his thumb across his husband’s hand. 

“There are other options, and yes they are expensive, but they are options none the less.” Dr. Richardson said.

Again with the money. Jensen was utterly and completely tired of hearing anything related to that word.

“Now I know this is hard to come to terms with, but you have a lot of people who love you, and I’ve never seen a husband as selfless as yours. So I assure you, we are going to get you the help you need.”Dr. Richardson continued, “Aside from these treatments, we have also set you up with a new psychiatrist, Dr. Bellway. She’s the best San Antonio has to offer, and has successfully dealt with cases like yours. You’ll be meeting with her every Tuesday and Friday at 2pm.” Dr. Richardson handed Jared a card with her information on it and Jared nodded in response. 

“And you might experience minor headaches after the sessions or feel nauseated, but it will pass. Try to drink water, and water alone. Stay away from alcohol, but feel free to drink orange juice occasionally.” The doctor paused, “Now I understand you like to cook?”

“Yes. It was a passion of mine.” Jared stated.

“Was and _is_.” Jensen corrected.

“Well Jared, if cooking makes you happy, or used to for that matter, I fully advise you to continue doing it! Staying active is incredibly important. By the looks of you, I can tell you already know that.” Dr. Richardson smiled.

Jensen laughed at the doctor’s remark, but Jared just shrugged.

“No need to be modest.” Dr. Richardson joked.

Jared was no longer the tank he once was –he stopped going to the gym two months before the incident- and he had lost a considerable amount of weight, but you could still tell he had an exceptional body hidden underneath his clothes.

“I’m not being modest.” Jared sighed, “I just don’t care.”

Dr. Richardson inhaled deeply. “Well, that’s alright.” He paused, “So Jared, what _do_ you care about?”

Jared looked down at his armrest -where he and Jensen’s hands were tangled together- before looking up at Jensen. “I care about my husband, and I care about my daughter, and I care about my late sons.”

Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand again, finally letting his own tears fall as Jared continued to speak.

“I care more about them and their happiness than I care about my own. I figure I might as well root for them to achieve the happiness I know I never will.” Jared stated.

“I assure you, Mr. Ackles,” Dr. Richardson said, “Happy days are near. Trust me when I say they are right around the corner.”

“Whatever you say doc.” Jared sighed. “I just want to go home.”

Jensen felt a little more optimistic. At least Jared wanted to be back at their house more than he wanted to be locked up in the hospital’s psych ward.

“You’ll be on your way home soon Mr. Ackles. I just need to ask you a few quick question’s first.”

“Okay.” Jared said.

“I’m going to read a series of statements, and after each one I need you to say how often that statement pertains to you. Tell me of it’s: most of the time, often, sometimes, rarely, or almost never.” Dr. Richardson explained, “Can you do that?”

Jared nodded and Dr. Richardson began reading. 

“I feel sad.” Dr. Richardson stated. 

“Most of the time.” Jared replied, and Jensen had to stop himself from gasping. For a second he contemplated walking out of the room. He didn’t know if he could handle listening to Jared’s answers. But when he looked down at their intertwined hands, and felt Jared’s shake beneath his own, Jensen knew that he had to stay. He had to be there for his husband and no matter how hard it was going to be, he had to listen to Jared be completely honest about his feelings. After all, this was the closest Jensen knew he would get to hearing Jared talk about his feelings in coherent words as opposed to extreme actions-or lack there of.

Dr. Richardson marked something down on his pad before continuing. 

“I feel so guilty I can barely take it.”

“Most of the time.”

“I think about death.”

“Most of the time.”

“When I wake up in the morning, I fell like there is nothing to look forward to.”

“Often.” 

“I have a persistent feeling of emptiness.”

“Most of the time.”

“I am full of energy.”

“Almost never.”

Jensen felt his breath hitch in his throat. How much longer could this list go on? How could Jared feel _this_ helpless? It was heart breaking.

“I feel like ending my life.” Dr. Richardson continued. 

Jared looked down at his bandaged wrists before breathlessly replying, “Most of the time.” 

Dr. Richardson looked up at Jared with apologetic eyes. 

“Ummm…can we stop this now.” Jared whimpered. “Please.” 

“There’s a second part to this test.” Dr. Richardson said. He looked back and forth between Jared and Jensen, acknowledging their pain. “But I guess there’s no harm in filling it out and bringing it with you when you come in for your next appointment.” 

He handed the paper to Jared, who exhaled deeply upon looking down at it. “Thanks.” He mumbled. 

“We’re going to do this after every treatment, okay.” Dr. Richardson explained, “And as you progress through the treatments we’ll see how your answers begin to change. I look forward to it and hope you do too.” Dr. Richardson smiled. “See you in three days Jared.” With that he stood up and offered his hand out to Jared, who stood up and shook his hand, followed by Jensen. 

When they finally left Dr. Richardson’s office, it was hand in hand. Jensen felt more hopeful than he had in the past few days, with his husbands giant hands wrapped around his own. 

Jensen took his time driving them home, not wanting to give away the surprise that awaited them by driving too fast, or being too obviously excited. Jared stayed silent for most of the ride, breathing deeply and resting with his head pressed against the passenger side window. 

Once they reached their house, Jensen looked over at his husband and placed a hand on his knee. “We’re home Jay.” He breathed, “ _You’re_ home.” 

Jared let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, keeping his head against the window. 

When Jared didn’t reply, Jensen sighed before getting out of the car and walking around the front in order to open the door for his husband. “C’mon my love.” Jensen smiled. He held out his hand for Jared to take. After waiting a moment, Jared grabbed on to Jensen’s hand and Jensen gently pulled him out of the car.

They walked up to their porch, holding eachother’s hands, with Jensen leading his husband to the door. When Jensen put the key in the lock, Jared reached out, stopping him before he could turn the key. 

Jensen turned to face him, “What’s wrong Baby?” Jensen pondered, worry written all over his face. 

“I don’t know if I can do this Jen. I don’t know if I’m ready to go home yet.” Jared sighed. 

“Wh—I don’t…I thought…”Jensen took a breath, “You don’t think you’re ready?” Jensen asked, puzzled. 

“Can’t I just stay at the hospital until I’m done with the treatments?” Jared groaned. 

“That would take months Jay.” Jensen smiled. 

Jared hung his head in defeat, and Jensen used his finger to lift his husband’s chin. “Lilly misses you.” Jensen smiled and looked lovingly into Jared’s eyes before adding, “ _I miss you._ ” He cautiously leaned in closer to Jared, hesitantly inching closer to his husband’s trembling lips. “I don’t want to sleep alone anymore Jay. I want to wake up to your beautiful face.” 

Jensen made sure he approached his husband slowly, edging his face close enough to Jared’s that he could feel his husband’s shallow breath land on his lips. “I want to hold you. I want to protect you. I want to _love_ you Jared…Please, just let me love you.” 

With that, Jensen placed his lips softly upon Jared’s. To his surprise, Jared didn’t move away, didn’t even flinch at the contact. It felt natural, almost like the way it used to feel when they kissed… _almost._

But Jensen could feel Jared’s lips tremble beneath his own, still feel the worry, feel the _doubt_ lingering on the other man’s lips. 

When they broke away, both Jared and Jensen kept their eyes closed, though neither of them was aware the other was doing so. Jensen was lost in what he hoped wasn’t a dream, living in a moment he had only been able to experience when his eyes were closed and he was in his bed late at night. But now, it was real, and he couldn’t let it go. 

Jared stayed still, his lips still parted though they were no longer attached to Jensen’s. He wanted to hold on to that moment. It had been months since he had let Jensen close enough to hold him, let alone kiss him, and he missed the feeling…In fact, he missed _feeling_ in general. 

“We’re gunna get through this Jay,” Jensen breathed, “together.” 

Jared slowly opened his green eyes, and Jensen detected a hint of a sparkle in them, a little bit of the man –and husband- he once was. 

They stood there, on their front porch, with their foreheads resting against each other, taking in the silence for a moment, until Jared finally said, “Okay.” And with that, Jensen turned the key and opened the door. He lead Jared through their foyer and into their living room, where they were both greeted by the smiling faces of their closest friends and family members. 

“Welcome home Jared!” The patrons of the house all cheered at once.

Jared linked arms with Jensen and immediately stopped walking, keeping his husband tethered to his side. Jensen looked over at Jared and felt his stomach churn when he saw the look on his husbands face. It looked like a mixture of dread and displeasure. In that moment, Jensen knew that the man he had been talking to outside, the man he had kissed, had all but disappeared. Jared was about to enter panic mode, and his tightened grip on Jensen’s arm indicated he was seconds away from self-destruction. 

“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” Lilly’s voice reverberated through the room as she pushed through the other adults in the room in order to make her way to Jared, where she quickly wrapped her arms around his long legs. She dug her face into her father’s thigh, “Daddy I missed you _so_ much.” 

When Jared didn’t say anything in reply, Lilly looked up at him. “Daddy?” She pondered. Jared looked down at her -his eyes clouded by salt water- before burying his head in Jensen’s shoulder “I want to go upstairs.” Jared’s words were muffled. 

“What?” Jensen asked.

“I want to go upstairs. I don’t want to see anyone.” Jared whimpered.

Suddenly they were being surrounded by family and friends, who began to crowd around them. A chorus of _is he okay’s_ , and _what’s wrong’s_ came with them. 

Misha patted Jared on the back. “Glad to have you back buddy!” Jared slouched away from the touch and Misha drew his hand away.

“Please don’t touch me.” Jared sighed before repeating, “Please don’t touch me.” Lilly unwrapped her hands from around her father’s legs and backed away from him. 

Jared lifted his head from his husband’s shoulder and looked around at the circle of people surrounding him. “I can’t do this.” He stated. 

Sherri surfaced from behind Misha and looked at her son with a concerned sadness in her eyes. “Jared honey, you can’t do what?” She breathed. Gerald was holding her hand, stopping her from getting to close to their son. 

“Everyone please just go away.” Jared breathed, “Get the hell out of my house.” He pushed away from Jensen’s side and began slowly making his way up the stairs. 

Everyone watched in silence as Jared drearily climbed the stairs, until he disappeared around the corner and slammed their bedroom door, but not before he added a “fuck this” for good measure. 

Jensen didn’t want to feel embarrassed, he really didn’t. But he did. And not only was he embarrassed, he was hurt. 

“I think this was all a little too much for him.” Jensen apologized to the room, fighting back tears. What a mistake…What a _disaster_. “I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me for a moment.”

Jensen ran after Jared and followed him into their room. When Jensen walked into the room he saw Jared lying on their bed in the fetal position, with a pillow over his head. It was a sight Jensen had seen many times before. 

“Tell them to go home.” Jared whimpered. “Tell them I love them but I just want them to go home.”

“Jared…Jay, everyone came really far to see you.” Jensen breathed. “Lilly hasn’t seen you in a week Baby.”

“I don’t care. I just want to take a nap.” 

“Do you want me to get you anything? Do you need some water?”

“No. Just let me sleep. My head hurts.”

“Are you sure you don’t—”

“No!” Jared hurled the pillow in Jensen’s direction. “Just get out.” 

“Oh—Okay.” There was a lump in Jensen’s throat that just wouldn’t go away. He cried as he picked up the pillow and slowly walked over to Jared. “I’ll let you sleep.” 

Jensen lifted his husband’s head and placed the pillow under it. He pulled the covers over Jared and used a finger to brush his husband’s hair out of his face before giving him a kiss on the forehead. “I love you Jay.” Jensen whimpered. Jared groaned in response.

“You’ll get better. I promise.” Jensen whispered. He was on his way out of the room when Jared mumbled something. 

“What?” Jensen pondered, making his way back to his distressed husband’s side.

“I feel like shit.” Jared groaned. 

“It’s the treatment.” Jensen explained, “Remember what Dr. Richardson said.”

“That’s not what I mean Jensen.” Jared huffed. 

“What is it Jay?” Jensen sat down on the corner of their bed with his back against Jared’s as he stared at the wall in front of him.

“I feel like shit, because no matter what I do, I can’t help but treat _you_ like shit… I just can’t help it. Every time I look at you, and every time I look in the mirror, all I see are Landon, and Lucas, and Eli…and I don’t know why, but I just can’t let them go Jen.” Jared sobbed, “I just can’t stop thinking about how beautiful they would have been…how much they would have looked like their Papa.”

Jensen didn’t know what to do, he was baffled, and taken well beyond surprise. This was the first time in the past few years that Jared had said more to him than a few short words. In the past few years, even when Jared was good, he never expressed any of these thoughts or feelings with his husband, and now, after only one treatment, he was attempting to have an actual conversation that consisted of actual sentences and sentiments. Though none of his actions or words had been positive, at least they were _something._

Thank god Jared kept talking, because Jensen was at a loss for words.

“I love you, but I can’t express it. My body is tired of trying, tired of moving, tired of _torturing_ itself.” Jared exhaled.

“It’s okay Baby, it’s okay.” Jensen sighed, “You being here is enough for me… Just tell me what you need and what you want, and ill give it to you. I’ll give you the world Jay. I’ll give you the whole goddamn world if it means I can have all of you again.”

The room was silent for a moment before Jared sighed and said, “You can’t. You never will. I’ll never be whole again. And I’m sorry Jen. I really am sorry.” With that, Jared pulled the covers over his head, and Jensen was left to linger in the silence.

Jensen had to find a way to make Jared stop fixating on everything they had lost, and start focusing all of the things they had managed to keep. He decided that after Jared's next treatment,they were going to start afresh. Jensen was going to take his husband on a date.


	8. Cancelled Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen breaks down, and it's Misha to the rescue.

Once everyone had cleared out of the house, Jensen sat Misha down at their kitchen table. Vicki had taken the kids to a nearby park, leaving the two men to discuss Jensen’s plan while Jared slept upstairs.

Misha, being the sensible best friend that he was, was not keen on Jensen's idea at all.

“A date?” Misha asked in disbelief. “Is that really what you think he needs right now?”

Jensen looked at him in astonished silence, almost offended that Misha didn’t approve of his idea.

“Jensen I’m sorry, but are you doing this for _you_ , or are you doing this for _Jared_?”

“I’m doing this for _us_.” Jensen explained.

“C’mon Jen, you saw the way he acted when he came home earlier. I don’t know if showering him with a bunch of touchy feely stuff is what he needs right now.” Misha sighed.

“Well it’s all I got Misha. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve done  _everything_ else I can do.” Jensen blubbered, “All I want to do is start all over.”

“That’s what _you_ want.” Misha pointed out, “What does _Jared_ want.”

“From the sound -and look- of things, he wants our goddamn sons…and I can’t give that to him.” Jensen huffed.

“So pretending they never existed—” Misha stopped himself, deciding it was better to tread more carefully around the situation. Clearly Jensen was still shaken and embarrassed by his failed attempt to welcome Jared home, but still…Misha could only see Jensen’s rashly-idealized date ending in a disaster. 

“I don’t want to pretend they never existed… I just…for one goddamn second…I just want my husband back.” Jensen was beginning to break down, “I just want Jared. Before the vows, and the rings, and the…” Now it was Jensen’s turn to stop himself, though it was obvious to both him and Misha whom he was going to mention next.

At the thought of wishing away his children, Jensen broke down in tears, unable to fathom the fact that he had almost said such a thing. He had held everything together so well, hidden his emotions behind a tightly fitted mask, but it was all becoming too much for him. He honestly thought there was nothing he could do to make Jared happy again, and his husband had confirmed it with his words a few hours prior.

Jared was nothing without his children, and Jared couldn’t _have_ his children. Therefore Jared resigned himself to being nothing, and accepted that as his state of being.

“I can’t bring them back from the dead…and we can no longer conceive.” Jensen wept, “So Misha what am I supposed to do? What the fuck am I supposed to do when my husband won’t acknowledge the fact that his life actually means something?” Jensen sobbed, “He’s more than just the lives he couldn’t save.”

Misha grabbed Jensen’s shoulder in an effort to console him, but it didn’t help, not one bit.

“And the worst part about this Misha, is that I have grown to despise the conception of my children.” Jensen cried, “Not Lilly of course. But the boys…the boys have ruined us." 

“C’mon Jen don’t talk like that.” Misha warned. 

“It’s true. They have taken Jared away and made him into a shell of his former fucking self. Whatever soul he had has been split, broken into pieces and shared amongst our dead boys…” Jensen cried. “Is he dead to? Is my Jared, my sweetheart…is he really dead? Am I just harboring a walking corpse? Is it already too late?” 

Misha shook Jensen forcefully, and was honestly a second away from slapping his best friend across the face. “Jensen!” he exclaimed, “You cannot let this get the best of you. You’ve been so strong for so long Jen!” 

“Maybe that’s the problem.” Jensen sighed.

“No!” Misha asserted. “If anything, _you_ are the only solution. You and these treatments Jen. You can’t lose faith in Jared. Not now. Not ever.”

Jensen just continued to weep.

“And I know you just want to cry right now, and I’m going to let you do that. But I’m not going to let you spite your children, alive or dead. And I sure as hell won’t sit back and let you give up on the love of your life. Do you hear me?” Misha boomed. This was the most serious Jensen had seen him in a long time, if not ever. 

“So no,” Misha continued, “You can’t start over, but you can help him heal, you can _fix_ things Jensen. But that’s not going to happen on a fucking date.” Misha took a deep breath and looked Jensen square in the eyes, “So take Jared to his treatments, and his psychiatrist appointments, and wherever the fuck he needs to go. But don’t try and make him forget about Landon, or Lucas, or Eli, and don’t make him feel like he has to stop loving them, because he never will.” 

Jensen continued to somberly stare at his frenzied friend.

“I know it sucks, but you have to stay strong. Not just for you, or Jared…but for your daughter.” Misha explained. “Imagine how she felt when her Daddy didn’t want to see her? What do you think she’s going to ask you when she gets back?” Misha sighed. “You have to be ready for the tough questions…and unfortunately that means you can’t be as vulnerable as you want to be. At least not in front of Jared or Lilly….but that’s why you have me!” Misha smiled. 

Jensen took a deep breath in order to calm himself. “I can’t be happy if Jared isn’t happy.” Jensen admitted, “I’m trying, for Lilly. But I just need these treatments to run their course. I need my husband back, and Lilly needs her father.” 

“I know,” Misha said, “So help him cope. Don’t be forceful…just let him get through his treatments without any more upsets.” Misha paused, “Have you thought about getting Jared a dog? It would be like having another kid in the house…only not.” 

“Jared _does_ love dogs.” Jensen sniffled.

“It’s a well known fact.” Misha laughed. “So why not give him someone else to take care of? Help him preoccupy his time with more pleasant thoughts? And plus, I’m sure Lilly would love it too. Everyone wins.” 

“Theoretically.” Jensen sighed. 

“We’ll why don’t you think about it?” Misha proposed, “Ask Dr. Bellway, that’s the name of Jared’s psychiatrist, right?” Misha asked and Jensen nodded.

“Yeah well ask her what she thinks of the idea.” Misha advised. “I guarantee she’ll like it better than the whole _date_ idea.” 

Jensen punched Misha lightly on the shoulder. “Okay.” He sighed, “Thanks Meesh.” 

“No problem.” 

“Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to lock myself in the guestroom and cry.” 

“I’ll be out here if you need me.” Misha patted him on the back. 

“What would I do without you?” Jensen feigned a smile. 

“Promise me I’ll never find out.” Misha pointed at him.

Jensen nodded before getting up from the table and wandering into the guestroom, where he threw himself onto the bed and cried himself to sleep.


	9. Brand New

It was the first time he had seen those dimples in months. For the first time in a long time Jensen saw Jared with an honest to goodness smile on his face.

“A dog?” Jared gasped, dropping to his knees, where the puppy continued running circles around him. “Jenny you didn’t.”

It had been a week since Jared’s second treatment, and they had just walked into the house after an appointment with Dr. Richardson, only to be greeted by their new beagle.

Jensen nodded, a smile beginning to widen across his face. It was the first time in _years_ that Jared had called him Jenny. It was a term of endearment that was hastily shortened after the stillbirth of Eli.

“Jen…” Jared corrected himself, and just like that Jensen’s glimmer of hope was extinguished, though Jared’s head still swiveled around, gleefully following their playful puppy. “You didn’t.” he repeated.

“I _did_.” Jensen smiled, “He’s yours Baby…well _ours._ ”

“But you hate dogs?” Jared proposed.

“Meh, I’ve been living with one for the past fifteen years, so I’d beg to differ.” Jensen teased, and Jared smiled in response, displaying his dimples yet again. 

“You’re too good to me. Really.” Jared said before turning his attention back to the jumping puppy. “What’s his name?” 

“ _Her_ name.” Jensen corrected. If fate had taught him anything over the years, it was not to mess with it. “Her name is whatever you want it to be.” 

Jared looked up at him, “I’ll wait for Lilly to get home and we can name her together.” 

“That sounds like a lovely idea.” Jensen smiled. Lilly was at the Padalecki’s, spending the day with them like she usually did whenever her fathers were at the hospital. “Are you hungry?” Jensen asked.

“Are you talking to me, or the dog?” Jared asked as he stood up. 

“You, ya’ nut.” Jensen playfully squeezed his husband’s arm. It wasn’t as toned and strong as it used to be, but he didn’t care. It was so interesting seeing Jared without all of the muscle mass he possessed earlier in their marriage. When they were dealing with the loss of Eli, Jensen watched his husband practically waste away to nothing before his eyes. But now Jared was at a comfortable medium, not too bulky, not too thin, just somewhere in-between, and Jensen wasn’t complaining. 

“Not really. I’m actually pretty tired to be completely honest.” Jared ran a hand through his hair and gave Jensen an apologetic look. “I’d like to take a nap.”

Tired. Jared was always tired. Dr. Richardson said that was going to be one of the side affects of Jared’s treatment, but if Jared hadn’t smiled at him today, Jensen just would have thought the treatment was making him worse.

“Okay, well I’m going to go pick up Lilly.” Jensen announced. He bent down to pick up their energetic beagle, “Will you be alright by yourself for thirty minutes?”

“You want me to be completely honest?” Jared sighed.

Jensen knew what that meant. “I’ll take that as a no?” He breathed. 

“I’m sorry Jen.” Jared confessed, “And I’d be lying if I said you shouldn’t re-hide the steak knives.” 

“Re-hide?” Jensen asked, puzzled. The beagle attempted to lick his face, and he promptly dodged its wet tongue. 

“I found where you hid them…and I’ve been keeping one under my pillow.” Jared admitted, “But I swear I only bring it out on the bad days.” 

Jensen let the dog down and wiped his face with his hands, letting them rest over his mouth. “How many bad days have there been Jay?” Jensen whispered. 

Jared hung his head, staying silent.

“How many?” Jensen repeated, a new harshness in his tone. 

“Thirty-seven.” Jared mumbled. 

With that, Jensen’s hands went straight to his heart. “Every day? You’ve been cutting _every fucking day_ since your first treatment?” Jensen was at a loss. “Baby…” 

“Don’t.” Jared hushed him, “You didn’t even notice Jensen. How do you think that makes me feel?” 

Jensen opened his mouth. He had to deal with moving Lilly to a new school, picking up extra cases at the firm, juggling all of the household chores Jared used to help him with, and now a new puppy on top of all of that. He had been working from home this entire time, but the firm was only allowing him to do so until after Jared’s third treatment-which was scheduled for the next week. And how could he go back now, knowing that Jared had been cutting himself since the treatments began. Would one more treatment miraculously stop him from hurting himself? Now Jensen had every reason to doubt it.

“You don’t have to answer. I don’t feel like cutting today, and I like the dog.” Jared stated, “So you can take the knife, and I promise I won’t go looking for it today?”

“Today?” Jensen gasped, “I don’t want you looking for it _ever.”_

“Then fucking throw it away then.” Jared sighed. 

“I will.”

“Okay.”

There was a sharp and sudden silence that hung over them like a cloud, only interrupted by the pitter-patter of their new puppy’s little feet as they padded along the marble. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Jensen looked his husband in the eye and stepped closer to him. Now they were less than an arms length apart. “Do you honestly, in your heart of hearts, think that I would be happier without you?” 

“Without the pain that I’ve caused you? Yes.” Jared stated.

“That wasn’t what I asked.” Jensen said. 

“Yes it was.” Jared said firmly, “There’s nothing left of me but pain. If I feel anything, anything at all, that’s it. Pain. And that’s all I can give anyone else.” 

Jensen took another step forward, and reached out, taking his husbands hand in his. Jensen placed their conjoined hands on his chest. “Do you feel that?” Jensen asked, “It’s my heart, and it’s beating just for you. And it’s beating double time Jay, because I’m scared. I’m so scared of losing you, because that would mean losing the person I love the most in this world.” Jensen felt a tear slither down his cheek. He removed their hands from his chest, and moved them to Jared’s. 

“Do you feel _that_ Jay? Your heart is beating double time too. But it’s not just beating to keep you alive, it’s keeping Eli, and Landon, and Lucas alive too. Because as long as your heart keeps beating and you keep breathing…and you keep _living_ , they will too, in your heart…in _our_ hearts.”

“You are loved Jay.” Jensen declared, “You are needed. You’re smart, and funny, and completely undeserving of the misfortunes that have plagued your life.” Jensen tucked a loose strand of Jared’s hair behind his ear. “Lilly needs our support, so that she can live the life her brothers never got a chance to.” 

Jensen gave Jared a weak smile, “We can’t forget that we have a daughter, a miracle, who loves us…and whom we love. And –” 

“Shut up.” Jared demanded. 

“Excuse –” 

“Shut up.” Jared repeated. “Kiss me. I don’t want to talk. I just want to feel…something. I’m desperate. I’m desperate to feel the love that I know exists somewhere deep…deep down in my soul.”

Jared sighed, exhaling all of the air from his lungs. “It’s been thirty- _eight_ days since my first treatment. Last Tuesday while we were sleeping, you let your legs get tangled in mine. And though I’m sure you were unaware, you kept them there all night… Our feet were tied together and your hand was slung over my stomach.” Jared inhaled, holding in the air before letting out a lengthy exhale. “I didn’t cut that night. Your touch is the only thing that keeps me sane.” 

Jensen’s heart skipped a beat. “I—” he stopped, unable to think of anything worth saying that he hadn’t said a million times before. So instead he did something that he hadn’t done in a long time. He placed his palms on either side of Jared’s face and pulled him into a tender kiss, letting his hands eventually wander into his husband’s long locks.

They kissed for a minute as they stood in their foyer, unaware of their puppy, who was running circles around them. 

Jensen let one hand slither down his husband’s chest, moving it down until it came to Jared’s belt buckle. He was beginning to loosen it when Jared grabbed his hand and broke away from the kiss. 

“I’m not ready. Not just yet.” Jared declared apologetically. 

“I understand.” Jensen breathed. He pulled Jared’s head down and kissed his forehead. “Let’s go get Lilly, okay?”

 Jared nodded in response, and followed his husband out of the house with their brand new beagle following close behind them.


	10. Charlie

Jared and Lilly sat at the kitchen table coming up with a list of potential names for their new beagle while Jensen cooked dinner.

“Clover?” Jared suggested.

“Nah.” Lilly shook her head, her blonde pigtails whipping in the air.

“Lacey?” Jensen proposed, turning his head away from the pot of chili for a moment in order to contribute to the deliberation.

“No.” She said firmly.

Jared sighed and framed his chin with his fingers in a moment of deep thought. “What about Trixie?”

“Nuh-uh, c’mon daddy.” Lilly put her small palm on Jared’s shoulder.

“Why don’t you come up with a few suggestions Lillypad?” Jared suggested. They had been at this for a little under an hour.

“Mmmm…” Lilly closed her eyes tightly and scrunched up the rest of her face. 

“What are you doing?” Jared laughed.

“Shhh Daddy, I’m thinking.” Lilly whispered. Just then, their rambunctious little beagle jumped into her lap, causing Lilly to open her eyes and scream “Good grief!” 

Jensen looked back at them again, laughing when he saw the surprised look on his daughter’s face.  “Charlie!” Jensen said, “Let’s name the dog Charlie!”

“Like, Charlie Brown, Charlie?” Jared asked, looking at his husband.

“Is that the boy in the movies we watch every Thanksgiving and Christmas?” Lilly asked, now petting the beagle that was sitting in her lap.

“Yup! That’s the one.” Jensen smiled. “What do you think Lillypad? Do you like that name?”

Lilly nodded and looked down at her dog, rustling its fur in her hands before giggling and saying, “Hi Charlie. Welcome to your new family. You’ve got me, and two daddies who love you…Well one Daddy and one Papa” She giggled.

Jensen stepped away from the bubbling pot of chili and walked over to the table. “Hey Jay, can you take a look at this chili…I don’t know if I’m making it right.” Jensen smiled sheepishly at his husband.

Dr. Richardson told Jensen he should attempt to lure Jared back into his old passions, cooking being one of the most important ones. It was important to see how willing he was to get back into the kitchen, and would help measure Jared’s progress along with the treatments.

And now might have been a little too early to try, based on what Jared confessed earlier that day, but Jensen was feeling optimistic.

“Have you tasted it yet?” Jared asked

“Yeah.” Jensen lied, “It doesn’t taste right.”

Jared sighed, “Alright, I’ll take a look.” Jared got out of his chair and took the ladle out of Jensen’s hands before heading over to the pot. He picked up a small spoon and dipped it into the chili, licking it off of the spoon before turning off the stove.

“Hmmmm…” Jared hummed, “I mean it’s not terrible.”

“Hey!” Jensen blew.

Jared turned around to face him, “I’m just kidding. It’s good.” He gave the spoon another lick, “Just needs more salt.”

Jensen smiled, “There’s my resident chef.” He leaned in and placed his lips on his husband’s, feeling Jared’s warm breath leave his nostrils and flutter onto his face.

“Ewwww. Icky.” Lilly said, covering her eyes with one hand, and holding Charlie with the other.

Jared broke away, and looked at their daughter. “Lillian…” He began, “It’s okay you can open your eyes.”

Lilly peaked through her fingers, “Nu-uh.” She said, closing the gap between her fingers again.

“I promise.” Jared assured her. Jensen leaned into his chest and wrapped his hands around his tree of a husband.

“Okay.” Lilly removed her hands and when she looked over at her parents she smiled. “Hey! I wanna hug.”

Jensen took his head off of Jared’s chest and turned to face his daughter, “Then get over here ya little munchkin.”

Lilly let Charlie jump out of her lap before running over to her parents and wrapping her hands around them. She looked up at Jared and smiled. “Daddy, are you happy now?” She asked.

Jared’s mouth hung open as he looked back and forth between his daughter and his husband. “Well,” He sighed, “I’m not sad. Not right now at least.”

“But you’re not  _happy_ ?” Lilly pouted.

“I’m okay.” Jared said, running a hand down his daughter’s pigtail. “Don’t worry about me alright Lillypad.”

“I don’t want you to leave us Daddy.” Lilly sniffled. She held Jared’s hand and traced her little fingers along his scars, “Don’t leave us, okay.”

Jensen looked down at his daughter, baffled by her understanding. “Daddy isn’t going anywhere Lillypad.” Jensen reassured her, and even though she nodded, she began to cry.

“That’s not what Tommy P. said.” Lilly cried.

Jensen looked at Jared, who looked equally horrified, before looking back down at their distressed daughter. “What are you talking about Lilly?” Jensen asked. He broke away from their embrace, and squatted down so he was at eye level with his daughter.

“We were playing at recess and Tommy P told me that…that…that Daddy doesn’t love us, and he’s going to leave us just like his sister left him.” Lilly cried harder than Jensen had ever seen her cry before.

“I need to sit down.” Jared exhaled, running a hand through his hair. It was something he did when he was incredibly stressed. And that was the last thing anyone needed.

But Lilly was crying, and confused, and was clearly owed an explanation, because her seven year old soul was already being fed information she had no business dealing with. Jensen had to talk to her and straighten things out, but he also didn’t want to discuss anything that would stress Jared out.

Whoever this Tommy P. kid was, he was going to get a stern talking to whenever Jensen got around to finding out who his parents were.

“Lilly, why don’t you take a seat in the living room.” Jensen used his thumb to wipe the tears from her eyes. "I'll be there in a minute."

“Okay.” Lilly nodded, making her way to the living room. Once she was out of the kitchen, Jensen stood back up and faced his husband.

“Jay,” Jensen whispered. He placed a loving hand on Jared’s cheek, but he turned away.

“I can’t do this.” Jared breathed.

“Can’t do what, Jay?” Jensen implored.

“I’m gunna go to bed, alright.”

“Jay—”

“I don’t have anything positive to say to Lilly…and I don’t need to hear about what a random seven year old kid thinks is going to happen to me.”

“Nothing is going to happen to you Jay.” Jensen reassured him.

“Unless I make it happen.” Jared corrected him.

With that, Jensen’s heart sank. “You’ve been having such a good day Baby.”

Jared sighed, “I just…I just can’t talk to Lilly right now.”

“But I can’t speak for you either.” Jensen explained, “Look at her Jay. She needs to know you’ll be okay.”

“That’s the thing, Jen.  _I_ don’t even know if I’ll be okay. Sure, today I don’t feel like ending things…but that just makes two out of the past thirty-eight days good days. And those odds aren’t  _good_ at all. Fuck, they’re horrible. Who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow.” Jared sighed, “And I know that the more treatments I have, the higher the number of ‘good days’ will be, but as of this moment, I’m just not there yet. I’m still sad the majority of the time, and the bottom line is that I’m still not actually happy. So I’m in no position to talk to our daughter about how I feel.”

Jensen looked at his husband, trying to find a glimmer of hope in his eyes, but there was nothing there, nothing but desperation and exhaustion.

“What do I tell her when she asks about your scars?” Jensen sighed.

“Tell her it’s not her fault…” Jared exhaled. “Tell her I’m not going anywhere yet.”

Well at least that was somewhat reassuring. Jensen rubbed his eyes, “Okay.”

“I’m sorry Jen.”

“Don’t be. It’s okay.” Jensen put on a pained smile, “At least you kissed me.”

“I did.” Jared nodded, “And when I’m ready, and okay, and not just desperate to feel… then you’ll get all of me.”

Jensen inhaled; he needed to be with Jared. He needed it so damn badly. He needed to make love to his husband, just to show him how much he loved him, without any ulterior motives in mind. If they were going to make love, Jensen wanted it to be for themselves, not for anyone else, or the intention to conceive.

“So you’re going to bed?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah.”

“What about dinner?”

“I’m not terribly hungry.”

Jensen gave Jared a worried look, “Jay.”

Jared grabbed a green apple from the fruit basket next to them and bit into it. “Happy?” He asked.

Jensen nodded.

“Good. I’ll see you in the morning.” Jared bit into the apple again before scooting past Jensen and making his way out of the kitchen. Jensen pretended like he didn’t see him throw the apple away on his way out.

He shook his head, and took a deep breath in order to collect himself before heading into the living room to talk to his daughter.

“Lilly?” Jensen called as he walked towards the living room. There wasn’t an answer, so he called her name again once he entered the room, “Lill—” he began, but stopped talking once he saw her on the couch. She was sleeping in the fetal position with her thumb tucked between her teeth. Jensen picked her up and carried her up the stairs into her room, tucking her in between her pink princess sheets before turning out the light.

When Jensen walked into the master bedroom, Jared was already asleep in bed, with his hair up in a bun and out of his face. Jensen stripped out of his clothes and crawled in next to him, making sure to intertwine his feet with Jared’s, and keeping them there as he drifted off to sleep.


	11. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll guys! Just making up for some lost time :) Enjoy! (or cry...because that's basically what I did)

The next morning when Jensen went to drop Lilly off at school, her teacher, Miss Farley asked to speak with Jensen in private.

“What’s this about?” Jensen asked.

“I just wanted to address a few things that have come up recently.” She explained, “There have been a few topics circulating amongst the PTA and one of them just happens to concern your family.” 

“What do you mean?” Jensen slid his hand across his chin, feeling his stubble brush across his fingertips. He was in need of a shave.

“Well, the other day I heard Lillian and Tommy discussing a very serious matter.” Miss Farley began.

Oh God, not this. Jensen was in no mood to discuss his private life, and was angered that it was the subject of schoolyard discussions. 

“Miss Farley, may I ask what this is concerning?” Jensen huffed. 

“I’m not sure if you’re aware or not, but Tommy has been out of class for the past week.” 

“And how does this concern me?” 

“Well, Tommy’s older sister committed suicide a little over a week ago.”

Jensen froze. 

“Yesterday another one of our students fell off of the swing set and scraped her leg, and Tommy made a comment about how it looked like the scars his sister used to have on her wrist…and then Lilly mentioned your husband having those same kinds of scars and everything just got completely out of hand after that.” Miss Farley explained. “It has come to my attention that Tommy said some choice things to Lillian after the incident, and I just want to apologize on his behalf.”

Jensen didn’t know what to say. It seemed like speechlessness had just become a trademark part of his personality these days.

“I know Lillian is new here…and I’m so sorry that this is the way she has been introduced to her new surroundings. I promise you, circumstances have been increasingly special here as of late, and –” 

Jensen held up a hand, almost begging her to stop talking. “It’s alright.”

“I…Is…” Miss Farley stumbled through her words, “Is everything alright at home, with your husband and everything?”

“Everything is fine.” Jensen lied.

“Okay well if you need anyone to watch Lillian –” 

“We’re okay.” Jensen said harshly. He didn’t need anyone thinking he couldn’t handle his current situation. The last thing he needed was to be seen as needy…even though at this point he would take any help he could get. “Just please…I’d prefer it if my family’s affairs were not the topic of PTA meetings.” 

“I understand Mr. Ackles, but—” 

“I’m serious.” Jensen affirmed. “I don’t have the time or the energy to move Lilly to another school. But I don’t need her in a toxic environment either.” 

“I can assure you this environment isn’t toxic.” Miss Farley stated. 

“I’m beginning to think otherwise.” Jensen sighed. He missed the quiet, small private school that Lilly had attended prior to Jared’s treatments. Now Lilly attended the local public school, and so far it had not impressed Jensen in any way shape or form. 

“Again, I apologize Mr. Ackles. We haven’t had to deal with a situation like Tommy’s in a while, and now with your daughter mentioning the same things happening at home. It just makes us wonder…”

“Wonder what?”

Miss Farley took a deep breath before speaking. “It makes us wonder if...If she’s safe in that environment." 

Jensen thought his knees were going to give way, “You’ve _got_ to be kidding me.” Jensen said dryly.

“It’s protocol Mr. Ackles.”

“I don’t need this right now.” Jensen wiped his face with his hands, “I really, _really_ don’t need this right now.” 

“I’m sorry, I truly am, but I think I need to bring this up with a higher power.” Miss Farley sighed.

“A higher power?” Jensen raised his voice. “What in Gods name are you suggesting?”

That’s when Miss Farley said the two words Jensen feared would come out of her mouth. Two words that he never imagined he would hear, not even in his wildest dreams. 

“Social Services.” Miss Farley declared.

It was then that Jensen’s knees actually gave way. His hands were planted on the ground, and his head was bowed, almost as if he were lost in prayer.

“Lillian said she found a knife under your husband’s pillow.” Miss Farley continued.

“I don’t believe this.” Jensen whispered, riddled by disbelief. He raised his head and looked at Miss Farley, “It’s not true. You don’t have any proof.” 

“I’m _sorry_ Mr. Ackles but they’ve already been notified.” Miss Farley stated. “I assume they’ll be coming by sometime soon.” 

“I don’t believe this.” Jensen repeated. 

“Our student’s are our number one priority Mr. Ackles.” Miss Farley continued. “We failed with keeping Tommy’s family safe and I assure you we will not fail again.”

Jensen just shook his head in disbelief. “Bring me my daughter.” Jensen demanded. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“I said. Bring. Me. My. Daughter.” Jensen repeated harshly, “We’re going home.” 

Miss Farley looked at him apologetically. “I’m just doing my job Mr. Ackles, you have to understand that.”

Jensen stood up and looked her in the eye, “I don’t think you understand just _what_ you’ve done.” He was fuming, he was scared, and he was miles beyond stupefied.

Jensen pushed passed Miss Farley and made his way into the classroom, where he grabbed Lilly’s pink princess lunch pail before squatting next to her desk. “Lilly it’s time to go.” Jensen said.

“But Papa I just got here.” She defended. 

“I know, but you get to spend the day with Daddy and me instead.” Jensen said, “How about we go out for ice cream and spend the day at the park?” 

Lilly’s mouth practically dropped to the floor. “Really?” She gasped. “No way!” 

“Yes way!” Jensen forced a smile. “Now, c’mon we’ve gotta get going. On the way home we can get breakfast and surprise Daddy with pancakes when he wakes up.” 

“I love surprises!” Lilly grinned. “Mmmkay Papa, let’s go.” 

Jensen offered a hand out to his daughter and she readily accepted it. As they made their way out of the room, Jensen could feel Miss Farley’s sad stare follow them across the carpet and out of the door. All Jensen wanted to do was grab his daughter, wake up his husband and run far, far away. But clearly that was no longer an option. 

At the pancake house Jensen watched his daughter eat her stack of chocolate chip pancakes with a smile on her face, but all he could think about was how his life, like the stack of pancakes in front of him, was falling to pieces.

Jensen tried to keep his composure and stop himself from breaking down in the middle of the breakfast establishment. But thoughts of his ailing husband crossed his mind. What about Jared? What would Jared do when he found out another one of their children was in jeopardy of being taken away from them? If the thought had absolutely crushed Jensen’s soul, he didn’t even want to begin to think about what it would do to Jared.

So he sat there, watching Lilly eat her pancakes, and praying for the moment to last forever.


	12. Trouble

“Daddy.” Lilly whispered in Jared’s ear. “Daddy wake up.”

“Huh?” Jared grumbled, nudging his face further into his pillow.

“Daddy wake up, we brought you pancakes.” Lilly whispered. 

“I’m not hungry Lilly.” Jared groaned. He opened one eye. “Lilly…what are you doing home?”

“Papa said you guys would take me to the park.” Lilly grinned, “And to go get ice cream.” 

“Wah?” Jared groaned. He wiped his face, “Where is your father?” 

“Warming your pancakes.” Lilly replied excitedly. “He’s in the kitchen. You’ve gotta come down quick.” 

“I’ll be down in an hour.” Jared breathed. 

“An hour?” Lilly whined, “Daddy that’s forever.” 

“Please Lilly, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Jared sighed.

Lilly hung her head down, defeated. “Okaaayy.” She dragged her feet as she walked out of the room and down the stairs. “Papa, Daddy says he won’t come down for a whole hour.” Lilly whined once she was in the kitchen. Jensen was setting up a placemat at the table for Jared with one hand and holding the plate of warm pancakes in his other hand. 

Jensen sighed, putting down the plate before he looked up at his daughter. “I’ll go get him.” He ran a hand through his hair and motioned for his daughter to come to him, “Why don’t you go turn on the TV, I recorded Lilo and Stitch for you earlier.”

“Lilo and Stitch? Papa that’s my favorite!” Lilly jumped. 

“I know Lillypad. I know.” Jensen ruffled Lilly’s hair, “Now get going. I’ll wake up Daddy and make him eat some breakfast so we can head out to the park.” 

“Okay Papa!” Lilly hugged Jensen before running over to the living room.

Jensen smiled while he watched her scurry away. Once he was alone in the kitchen he opened the liquor cabinet and gave its contents a once over. In times of extreme stress Jared cut, and Jensen…Jensen drank. He drank until he felt as numb as he thought Jared always felt. He did it just so he could feel what it was like to feel empty, both physically- after dispelling the contents of his meals for the day- and mentally – when he couldn’t make sense of the world around him, or his own damn life. But being blackout drunk and being depressed are two very, very, different things. And though they both leave you feeling like death in the end, both states of mind are destructive and damaging in completely different ways. 

That was the only way Jensen could truly cope with things in the beginning, but eventually it got better. Jensen stopped picking up bottles and instead he picked up extra cases, preoccupying himself with work instead of spending time with his buddy, Jack Daniels. 

And though his hand was outstretched, ready to grab onto his fermented friends for dear life, he closed the cabinet instead. Though the future was beginning to look bleaker than it ever had before, Jensen knew he had to stay positive. He had to keep his family together. He had to make things go back to the way they used to be. 

After closing the liquor cabinet, Jensen climbed the stairs and walked back into the master bedroom, where Jared was laying face up, hugging a pillow to his face. 

“Jay,” Jensen whispered as he approached his husband. He heard Jared’s muffled groan coming from beneath the pillow. 

“Jared, sweetheart it’s ten thirty.” Jensen sang, “Time to get up.”

Jared pulled the pillow down slowly, letting it come to rest on his chest. “No thanks.” He sighed. 

Jensen pulled of his shoes and climbed into bed, straddling Jared’s waist. “Baby I warmed you some pancakes.” Jensen smiled.

“Not hungry.” Jared groaned. 

“But you didn’t even eat dinner last night.”

“I had an apple.” 

“You had a bite of an apple.” Jensen corrected him. “Jay you have to eat something.” 

“Not hungry.” Jared repeated. “Would you get off of me… _Please_.” 

Jensen sadly complied, rolling off of his husband and landing next to him on the bed, where he propped himself up with his elbow. “Okay well will you sit up and listen to me at least?” Jensen pleaded, “There’s something incredibly important that we need to discuss.” 

“What could be more important than sleep?” Jared groaned.

“The wellbeing of this family.” Jensen stated, “And it kind of depends on you _not_ sleeping like a sloth for twenty-four hours every day.” 

“Ugh, fuck you.” Jared groaned, bringing the pillow back up to his face. 

“Nuh-uh-uh honey.” Jensen swiftly grabbed the pillow out of Jared’s hands and playfully threw it on the floor behind him. “Not so fast.” 

“Hey!” Jared seethed. “Not cool. Not funny.”

“You used to like playing with me Jay. You used to think it was _cool_ …you used to think I was funny.” Jensen clutched his chest, attempting to keep everything as light hearted as he could before he brought up the very serious issue they had at hand. 

“I don’t think many things are these days. It’s not your fault.” Jared continued to stare at the ceiling. 

“Jay will you look at me please.” Jensen whispered, bringing a hand up to caress the side of Jared’s face. “I need you to look at me.” 

Jared let out a loud sigh, but he slowly turned his head towards his husband. “Happy?”

“No.” Jensen admitted. 

“Join the club.” Jared exhaled.

They stared at each other in silence, eyes fixed on each other, with Jensen’s hand still on Jared’s cheek, using his thumb to draw circles on the side of his face. “Baby.” Jensen whispered. He could feel the tears swelling up in his eyes, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop them from falling, which they immediately did. “Baby we’re in trouble.” 

“We’ve been destined for trouble since we met.” Jared sighed, “It’s all a part of fate, Jen. Trouble was bound to find us sooner or later…”

“Well it found us. It really found us this time, and I don’t know what to do.” Jensen whimpered. 

“What is it?” Jared pondered, comforted by the fact that at that moment, it didn’t seem like he was the only one who was miserable.

“I need you to promise me…” Jensen sniffled, “I need you to promise me that no matter what, no matter _what_ , you won’t go looking for the knives again.” 

Jared scanned Jensen’s face worriedly. “Jen, what’s going on?” 

“Lilly found the knife you hid under your pillow,” Jensen inhaled, “And she told her teacher about it.”

“Why would she—” 

“I don’t know Jay.” Jensen continued, “But she called social services.” Jensen continued to cry, “Her teacher called social services and they’re coming here Jay.” 

“They’re WHAT?” Jared gasped. 

“Child protective services are coming.” Jensen repeated.

“When?” Jared inhaled deeply, his own tears beginning to fall. 

“I…I don’t know.” Jensen shook his head. 

“I don’t understand.” Jared breathed. “They can’t take her.” He cried, “I’ll be good Jen. I swear I’ll be good…They can’t take my baby away.” 

“We won’t let them.” Jensen sobbed. 

Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand, “Let’s run away. Let’s run away and never look back.”

“You know we can’t do that Jay.” 

“We can’t let them take her away. I won’t loose another one of my babies Jen. I won’t do it!” 

“I’m a fucking lawyer Jay. I’ve been studying this shit for my entire life, there’s no way they’ll win.” Jensen tried to reassure both his husband and himself. “We’re not going to lose her.” 

“Lose me?” A small voice called from the corner of the room, “How can you lose me? I’m right here!” Lilly jumped into bed behind Jensen and crawled over him, landing between her fathers. “Silly Papa, I’m not going anywhere.” Lilly smiled. 

“That’s right Lillypad.” Jensen smiled through his tears, “You’re not going _anywhere_!” He used his index finger to poke Lilly’s nose.

“Why are you crying?” Lilly looked at Jensen then turned to look at Jared, “Daddy why are you crying? What’s wrong?” 

“Oh, nothing.” Jared sighed. 

“Daddy I don’t like to see you cry.” Lilly put her hand on his cheek, “I don’t like it when you’re sad. Don’t be sad Daddy.”

“I’m trying Lillypad.” Jared sighed. 

“Papa says we’re going to the park. I bet that will make you happy.” Lilly smiled, “You can push me on the swings and everything. Like you used to when I was little.” She continued, “Back when you used to be happy. Remember that Daddy? Remember?” 

Jared looked at Jared. “We’re going to the park?” He asked, ignoring his daughters question. 

Jensen smiled sheepishly, wiping away his tears. “Yeah. We haven’t gone out as a family in a while and considering everything…I just…I just thought it would be a good idea.” 

“I don’t know.” Jared sighed. 

“Daddy c’mon.” Lilly pleaded. “You can walk Charlie with Papa and me!” 

“I’m tired.”

“No you’re not Daddy. You were just sleeping.” Lilly pointed out. 

Jared sighed.

“Don’t you love us anymore?” Lilly pouted. 

Jensen didn’t think his gasp would be as audible as it was, “Okay Lillian, lets go get you changed.” Jensen sat up and ran his hand through his daughter’s hair. 

Lillian sat up and leaned her head on Jensen’s arm, though she continued to look over at Jared. “I knew you didn’t love us anymore.” Lilly whimpered. 

“Lillian!” Jensen looked down at his daughter. “How dare you speak to your father that way?” Jensen pointed towards their bedroom door, “Go to your room young lady. Now!” 

“But Papa!” 

Jared cleared his throat, “No Jen, she’s right.” 

“I told you. I told you he doesn’t love us.” Lilly cried.

“Lillian please...” Jensen sighed then looked at his husband, “What do you mean, Jay?” 

“She’s right.” Jared repeated, “Well, almost…” He sat up slowly and took Lillly’s hand in his. 

“Daddy loves you Lillypad. And Daddy loves Papa.” He smiled weakly, “Daddy… _I_ … love both of you very, _very_ much. Okay? Don’t you ever forget that.” He exhaled slowly, “I’m just having a really hard time loving _myself_. And trying to do that takes all of my energy. That’s why I’m always tired and I can’t play with you like I used to.” 

“But Daddy you’re the bestest Daddy there ever was! Why don’t you love yourself? Is that why you had that knife Daddy? Have you been hurting yourself? Is that where your boo-boos come from?” Lilly’s mouth was moving a mile a minute. 

“Alright, Alright that’s enough Lilly. Go get changed.” Jensen asserted. 

“But Papa!” 

“Go!” He howled. 

Lilly huffed before crawling out of bed, “I love you Daddy. And I’ll love you twice as much so you don’t have to work so hard to love yourself!” 

“Thanks Lillypad.” Jared breathed. With that, Lilly walked out of the room. 

There was a silence that lingered between Jared and Jensen, and it hung over them like a thick cloud of smoke. Both of them just needed time to think, time to process, time to make sense of the loaded questions their daughter had just thrown at Jared.

“If she talks like that when social services come, we’re done Jen.” Jared breathed, “It’s over for us unless I get better ASAP. And that’s not going to happen…so I guess it’s just over for us.” He slumped back down in bed, his hands rubbing at his eyes as he did so. 

“Don’t talk like that Jay. You’ve gotta have faith. You’ll be okay… _we’ll_ be okay.” Jensen exhaled, “Your next treatment is in two days. You’ll make more progress!” 

“Yeah? How can you be so sure?” 

“I just am, okay. And I’m going to need you to be a little more optimistic about things.” 

“You’re asking me to do something I just can’t do.”

They couldn’t fight. Not now. Not when there was absolutely, positively, no time for it. Not when their states of being were so fragile, so vulnerable and defenseless against destruction. If they didn’t sit their daughter down for a talk soon and have _good_ answers for her, or well thought out explanations…there would be no saving them from the wrath of child protective services. 

It would start and end with Jared. He had to get better, or they would lose everything that ever meant anything to them. He was their only hope…and he didn’t even have any. 

“Then what _can_ you do Jay?” Jensen asked. 

“I can go to the park.” Jared breathed, “I’ll go with you, but when I say I want to go home, please, just bring me back and don’t ask me why, because you’ll already know why.”

“Okay, I can do that.” Jensen nodded. 

“Deal?” Jared asked, holding his hand out to Jensen. 

“Deal.” Jensen replied, shaking his husband’s hand.

Though they had made a deal, Jensen still had to physically drag Jared out of bed. But once he was up, they went through the semi-normal steps of their old morning routine. They brushed their teeth next to each other at their sinks, with Jensen occasionally turning to face Jared, smiling with his mouth full of foamy toothpaste and earning a slight smile in return from his husband. 

Jensen helped Jared put his hair into the perfect bun. It was a hairstyle Jared was never fond of until right before they got engaged, when Jensen admitted it was his soon to be husband’s favorite look…and Jared made a point of wearing his hair that way every so often. 

Jared surprisingly didn’t need any help getting dressed, or picking out his own clothes. And in the back of Jensen’s mind all he kept thinking was… _progress, progress, progress._

“When do you think they’ll come?” Jared asked Jensen, throwing his favorite shirt over his head. It was purple and plain, save for the dog that was plastered across the chest. 

“I don’t know Jay.” Jensen breathed, “Hopefully not until you’ve had a few more treatments and we get our lives figured out. But it could be tomorrow…it could be next week…I…I don’t know. It's usually within a few days of a report being filed.” 

“I’m so scared Jen. I’m just so scared. How do I explain the knife? How do I explain everything?"

“We’ll tell them you’re undergoing treatments. We’ll tell them you’re getting better. It’ll be alright, I promise.” Jensen held onto Jared’s hand and pulled him into a soft kiss. “It’ll be alright.” 

Jared nodded and leaned in for another kiss. Jensen hummed happily into it, leaning further into his husband and bringing his hands up to Jared’s bun, undoing it.

“Hey.” Jared smirked.

“I’m feeling the natural look today.” Jensen smiled, leaning back into Jared.

But Jared turned his head away and Jensen fell into him. “I can’t kiss you when your shirt is off…too much commitment there.” Jared confessed. 

“What are you afraid of?” Jensen breathed, running a hand through Jared’s hair. 

“Having sex with you when I’m not emotionally ready.” Jared admitted. “Physically…I’m feeling a bit better…but emotionally. I can’t even begin to think about it... At all.” 

Jensen sighed and placed a quick kiss on Jared’s cheek. “Okay.” He put up his hands and backed away. “Okay.”

“Thanks for understanding Jen.” Jared scratched the back of his neck, “Its just…Let’s see what happens after the next treatment alright? I just…I just need to feel better.” 

Jensen threw an olive green shirt over his head. “I get it. Just two more days…maybe then—” 

“Maybe then I won’t feel like waking up in the morning is such a chore.” Jared sighed, “Maybe then I’ll be able to push Lilly on the swings…which, for the record, I will not be doing today.” 

“Wh…Jay…why?” Jensen turned towards him. 

“When we get to the park I just want to take a nap…” Jared admitted, “I’ll be there…” 

“But you won’t really _be there_.” Jensen sighed. “Jay c’mon, how much can you sleep?” 

“You really wanna find out?” Jared asked, “Because I can get right back into bed and show you.” 

“Can we just not fight, please?” Jensen sighed. 

“I’m not fighting you.” Jared murmured. 

Jensen shook his head before running his hands through his hair, “You’re supposed to be present Jay. Sweetheart I just need you to try and be present. It’s important.” 

“I know.” Jared sighed, “I know.” He looked down at his feet, “I’m trying to be the man that you married, okay? I’m trying…believe it or not I am.”

Jensen wrapped his arms tightly around his husband, “It’s okay baby, it’s okay.” 

Jensen didn’t know how much he believed any of the words he was saying. But for the sake of his own wellbeing, he had to think positively, even though everything around him was encouraging the exact opposite response.

****

Jared didn't last more than ten minutes at the park. Still, in Jensen's mind all he could think was, progress, progress, progress...Because at least Jared got out of the car.

For Jensen, that was enough. And though Lilly was sad to leave early, she was easily consoled by a giant scoop of vanilla ice cream in a sugar cone. Jensen got a scoop of mint chocolate chip in a cone as well, and he and Jared passed it between themselves as they sat at a table outside of Sweet Rose Creamery.

And when they got back home, all three of them took a nap in Jared and Jensen’s king sized bed, with Lilly snuggled between her fathers, Charlie resting at the foot of the bed, and their troubles all but forgotten.

At least for a little while.


	13. Monsters

The results of Jared’s third treatment were positive, and it was clear that things were moving in the direction they were supposed to. When they visited Dr. Richardson’s office the day after Jared’s treatment, some of his answers were a stark comparison from his initial ones. Though most of Jared’s answers hadn’t changed from the bleak ones he gave initially, there were two changed answers that Jensen couldn’t help but feel overjoyed about.

Dr. Richardson prompted Jared with the same questions he always did, but this time a few of his answers had changed. 

“I feel sad.” Dr. Richardson listed. 

“Often.” Jared replied. 

“Well, look at that!” Dr. Richardson smiled, “There’s something new. From ‘most of the time’, to ‘often’…I’ll take that.” 

“Me too.” Jared and Jensen both said in unison, and Jensen squeezed his husband’s hand in response. 

“So Jared, when you’re not feeling sad what is it that you’re feeling?” Dr. Richardson asked, putting his pen to his pad, preparing to write down Jared’s response. 

“I don’t know… _Not sad?_ ” Jared hummed, “I’m definitely not going to go with happy, because I still feel pretty far from it.” 

“What about, content?” Dr. Richardson asked. 

“Mmmm, not quite.” Jared confessed, “I’d probably go with impassive, serene, stoical…you know? Not sad, not happy, just kind of…nothing.”

Dr. Richardson continued writing, “Could you go further into detail?” 

Jensen didn’t know how going from ‘sad’ to ‘nothing’ was an improvement. So he worriedly waited for his husband to give the doctor a response. 

Jared took a deep breath, “It’s hard to explain…I’m not sad 100% of the time like I used to be. Now it’s more like 75% of the time and the other 25% of the time I feel…okay.” 

“Okay?” Dr. Richardson pondered. 

“Yeah. On the cusp of being content…if that’s what you’d rather I say?” 

“No, no. I want you to just tell me exactly how you feel, no need to sugarcoat things. I only need simple, exact answers…as exact as you can get them anyway. Your first meeting with your new psychiatrist has been scheduled for next week, after your fourth treatment. It’s with Doctor Bellway that you can really start to dive deeper into things.” Dr. Richardson explained. 

“Oh, well in that case, yeah. I feel okay.” Jared sighed, “And when I feel sad, I don’t feel like killing myself anymore.”

“Or engaging in self-harming behavior?” Dr. Richardson prompted.

“I’m still working on that.” Jared confessed, “But it’s been a few days since I last did.”

“How many?” 

“Six.” 

Jensen breathed a sigh of relief. So, Jared really hadn’t gone looking for the knives again. 

“Mmhmm,” Dr. Richardson nodded, “So, Jared. How often do you feel like ending your life?” 

Jared looked down at his wrists, which were no longer bandaged, before looking up at Jensen –who gave him a supportive nod-, then back at Dr. Richardson.

“Definitely not most of the time.” Jared said, “Or even often for that matter. I’d probably go with sometimes.”

“That’s fantastic.” Dr. Richardson smiled. “So it seems as though your thoughts of suicide have dropped tremendously, and I'm very happy to hear that Jared! Now all we have to tackle is the depression aspect. And it won’t be easy, I’ll tell you that now, but you’re already making fantastic strides Jared. Just keep your head up.” 

“I’ll try.” Jared smiled faintly. 

“That’s all we can ask for.” Dr. Richardson pushed up his glasses. “Do you have any further questions for me Jared?” Dr. Richardson turned to face Jensen, “Or you, Jensen?” 

Jared and Jensen both looked at each other, before turning towards the doctor and shaking their heads. 

“Alright. Then I’ll see you, same time next week.” Dr. Richardson held out his hand for Jared to shake, which he did, followed by Jensen. 

When they left, it was hand-in-hand, both with smiles on their faces, because even though it was evident Jared still had quite a ways to go until he got better, things were definitely looking up for the Ackles family. 

***

When they got home from Jared’s appointment they sat Lilly down, because they knew it was only a matter of days…or maybe hours at this point…until social services showed up at their door. 

“Okay Lillypad,” Jensen began, “ I think it’s time for us to have a little chat.”

“Is this about the candy wrappers under my bed, because I can explain…” She said hastily. “It wasn’t me…it was...it was Mr. Lumpkins.” 

“Your teddy bear?” Jared lifted an eyebrow.

“Mmmhmm…” Lilly nodded. 

“Okay Lillian…that’s not what we’re talking about right now.” Jensen breathed, “But we’re definitely coming back to that later.” 

“Oh brother…” Lilly said, slapping her forehead with her palm.

“Hey, hey, don’t worry about it.” Jared breathed, “That’s not important right now.” 

“Okay…am I going on time out?” Lillian asked. “Did I do something else?”

“No Lillypad.” Jensen breathed, “Just listen for a second, okay.”

“Okay.” She huffed. She put her elbows on the table and interlocked her hands, keeping a serious face as she looked at her fathers, who were seated across from her –and holding hands underneath the table. 

“We want to talk about something you found the other day…” Jared began. 

“You mean the knife?” Lilly asked innocently. 

“Yes.” Jared nodded.

“Why didn’t you ask us about it when you saw it?” Jensen asked. 

Lilly shrugged, “I don’t know…I just thought maybe Daddy had it because he was scared.” 

“Huh?” Jensen pondered.

“Yeah…” Lilly said quietly, “I thought Daddy had it to protect him from the monsters.” 

“What monsters?” Jensen asked. 

“The ones that are hiding in his head.” Lilly whispered. 

The room fell silent for a moment, as Lilly looked up at her fathers, sadness not only filling her face, but her fathers’ faces as well. 

“I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed for being scared.” Lilly continued, “I’m afraid of monsters too…except my monsters are underneath my bed.” Lilly sighed, “I thought Daddy hurt himself to let the monsters out…I feed my monsters candy so that they stay inside.”

Then Jared cried. He cried because Lilly understood. Lilly understood him better than anyone else had. He used to think he was the monster, his own worst enemy. He wanted to bleed out, be free, and be one with his babies…His monsters were his memories, the feelings he wanted to forget, the thoughts and sketches of faces that he would never get to see. 

But he was beginning to believe there were other ways to beat those monsters. He wouldn’t let them win, wouldn’t let them kill him. He would live, knowing that they’re there, knowing that it was okay to miss his babies, but he didn’t have to die just because they did. He didn’t have to listen to the monsters in his head saying that death was the only way he wouldn’t feel guilty.

And for the longest time, he thought the only way he could silence those monsters was to give in and surrender to the nagging guilt. Try and make it all stop so that he could just be with his babies again and not feel guilty for living without them. The monster’s said they wanted him home, they said that his baby boys needed their Daddy to rest with them, _be_ with them… 

But Jared wondered…if his daughter could silence her own monsters with sweet treats –however naïve- then why couldn’t he? Why had his life been his bargaining chip this entire time? But more importantly, why was it that although he no longer felt like giving in and taking his own life...he still felt so incredibly sad.

Maybe it was because a piece of him was still missing. Maybe it was because deep down, no matter how impossible he knew it would be…he still wanted a baby boy. And he knew he could never have one. 

“Hello?” Jared heard a voice enquire. “Jay?”

There were two hands waving in front of his face, one big and one small. 

“Huh?” Jared murmured, shaking himself out of his own thoughts. 

“Are you okay Daddy?” Lilly asked as she leaned over the table.

Jared nodded, “Yeah, I’m alright.” 

“You zoned out there for a second.” Jensen said worriedly, “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

Jared nodded again, “I’m fine. I promise.” He sighed, “And I know you’re gunna hate me for this…but I’m honestly feeling a little tired.” 

“You wanna take a nap don’t you?” Lilly huffed. 

“Hey Lillypad, be easy on your Daddy okay.” Jensen said with a cautionary, yet understanding, tone. 

“It’s hard fighting those monsters Lillypad.” Jared sighed, “But every time I go to the doctor, they’re helping me get stronger so that I can fight just a little bit harder.”

“And soon he’ll be strong again.” Jensen reassured their daughter, “He’ll be strong enough to beat down those monsters once and for all.” 

“Really?” Lilly’s eyes grew wide.

“Mmhmm.” Jared hummed, “But I have to rest if I want to get better, okay?” 

“Okay.” Lilly sighed but smiled, “Go nap, Daddy. Go get strong so you can fight those monsters. Maybe then you can help me get the ones under the bed.” 

“About that…” Jensen began, turning his attention back on his daughter. But his interrogation was interrupted by a series of three short knocks on their front door. 

Jared’s head shot up, and he looked worriedly at his husband. They both knew who was at the door. 

“Lillypad why don’t you head over to the living room and turn on a movie.” Jensen suggested.

Lilly didn’t need to be told twice, thankful for whatever it was that made her father forget about her sweet tooth. She promptly got out of her seat and headed over to the living room with Charlie following close behind her. 

There was another knock, and Jensen gave Jared a tender kiss before wiping away his husband's tears and singing, “It’s showtime!”

Jared laughed nervously and held onto Jensen’s hand as they nervously made their way to the door, anxious to meet whoever was waiting on the other side, because they knew that the moment they opened the door, their futures-and the future of their family- would no longer be in their hands.


	14. Nap Time

“I was apprehensive about following through with the report, but considering there has been at least one 911 call linked to this residence in the past two months, I thought it would behoove me to pay your home a visit.” The social worker, Casey, said as she perused through the Ackle’s residence. They we’re currently in the master bedroom, it was the last room she had to check before undergoing the next step of the process. She opened their drawers, scanned their bookshelves, and overturned their pillows before finally nodding and saying, “Let’s go downstairs and have ourselves a little chat, shall we?”

Once they we’re seated at their dining room table, Casey opened her mouth to speak, “I don’t think I need to interview Lillian. She didn’t have any scars or bruises on her so you’ve got that going for you.” She continued, “And there are no signs of abuse or neglect. I’m sure you guys are wonderful parents…” 

 _Here comes the ‘but,’_ Jensen sighed worriedly. 

“But…” Casey exhaled, “There are people who are concerned about your mental stability Mr. Ackles.” She said, turning to Jared. “You tried to kill yourself, and your daughter reported to her teacher that she found a knife underneath your pillow…and though Child Protective Services would like to believe it wasn’t intended to be used on anyone other than yourself…there is no way to be sure.” 

“I’m getting help. I’m getting better.” Jared said, his voice growing panicked. 

“My husband no longer has access to any knives, or sharp objects. I can assure you.” Jensen added. 

“So you aren’t denying there was a knife.” Casey prompted. 

Jared took a breath… “I’m getting better.” He sighed. 

“But you aren’t better _yet_ Mr. Ackles.” Casey clarified, “And though you haven’t hurt Lillian as of now, there is no telling what you will do later.” 

“I’m not going to hurt my daughter.” Jared said defensively. He was trying to keep his voice down because Lilly was still in the living room watching A Charlie Brown Christmas Carol.

“And we are going to make sure of that.” Casey smiled. 

“What do you mean?” Jensen asked, fearing the worst. 

Casey took a deep breath and looked up at Jared with apologetic eyes. “Normally in cases such as these, where there is potential for a child to be put in a dangerous situation, or environment, we take them into our care.”

“Please…please no.” Jared begged frantically. “Please, you can’t take my Lilly. I’m getting better. If you take her away…what if I regress? What if—” He stopped talking, placing his freehand over his mouth in order to stop himself from vomiting like he felt he was going to. 

“Jared.” Casey gave him a weak smile; “We did a background check prior to my arrival. I know you’ve started ECT for your depression. So that’s why I’m going to give you a little bit of leeway…okay” She paused. “I fought to come here today…because someone else was supposed to come, and they were going to take Lilly away.” 

“Oh my god. Oh my god.” Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand and began to cry. Jensen couldn’t believe what he was hearing…this was the last thing he ever expected to happen to them. 

“Don’t fret Mr. Ackles…I’m not going to take her.” Casey reassured him. 

“What?” Jared sniffled. 

“Now, I thought about this for a while, and I was going to let you choose where you wanted Lilly to go.” Casey said.

“So she’s still going?” Jensen asked. “I don’t believe this. She’s still going?” He could no longer hold back his own distress.

“Hold on.” Casey said, “Breathe. The both of you. Just breathe.” She continued. “Considering everything, I believe I have come to a proper decision. I know Jared is getting treated, and that he is about to start seeing a psychiatrist as well…”

“I’m getting help. I’m getting better.” Jared nodded. 

“And I’m glad.” Casey smiled, “I just want you to know that you should never feel like your depression makes you a weak person or bad parent, okay Jared. Your daughter is beautiful and so full of energy. I’m sure she’s a handful.” Casey paused, “So you need to keep going to treatments so you can take care of her, because as long as you keep going, and you keep making an effort to get better, she’s going to stay with you.” 

Jensen breathed a sigh of relief, and Jared nodded, attempting to smile through his tears. 

“With the right support, you can still be an excellent parent.” Casey explained. 

Jensen squeezed his husband’s hand.

“You have a strong support system and I don’t see Lillian in any foreseeable danger.” She said, “So I think that’s that. Your daughter is going to stay home, where she belongs.” 

“Are you serious?” Jared cried harder, tears flowing down his cheeks without relent. 

Casey nodded and smiled.

“Baby…” Jensen turned to his husband and looked him lovingly in the eyes. “Baby…” He didn’t know what to say. They both just sat there holding hands and crying as Casey looked on. “There’s hope.” Jensen smiled, “We can do this.” 

Jared nodded. “We can do this.” He whispered, “I can do this.”

Then Casey started crying too, because she hadn’t seen love so pure and compassionate in all her years of work. So she made a note that no other member of social services should pay the Ackle’s family a visit, because they were the last thing that family needed. 

“You don’t know what this means to us.” Jensen cried, turning to Casey. “We’ve been down on our luck for so long…” 

“Well,” Casey wiped away a tear, “I’m sorry you had to go through all of this…and I'm sorry for everything else you’re going through.” She sniffled, “You’re all clear. So I’m gunna go, okay?” 

Jensen nodded before turning back to his husband and pulling him into his chest. 

When the front door closed, Lilly crept down the stairs. “Is the lady gone?” She said, peeking around the corner and into the dining room. 

“Yeah,” Jared whispered through his tears, turning to face their daughter. 

“Papa, Daddy, why are you guys always crying? Who was that lady?” Lilly asked. “Was she the one who made you cry? Why did she check me for boo-boos?” 

“These are happy tears Lillypad.” Jensen explained, “She came, and gave us really good news. She said you were going to be okay with us.” 

“Well duh! I don’t have any boo-boos…I could have just told her I was okay before she poked me all over the place.” Lilly huffed, “So you’re not sad?” Lilly asked.

“No.” Jared answered. “No, I’m not.” 

“Sheesh. She should come visit more often...Except next time she should keep her hands to herself.” Lilly said naively. She ran over to the table where her fathers were sitting, and jumped onto Jared’s lap. “I don’t care if these are happy tears…I don’t want to see you cry anymore okay Daddy. No more crying.” 

“What about Papa?” Jared asked defensively.

“Keep me out of this.” Jensen let out a small laugh.

Lilly wiped away Jared’s tears before asking, “Daddy, when are you going back to the hospital?” 

“In four days.” Jared said, putting up four fingers before letting out a long, loud yawn. 

“Family nap time?” Lilly proposed. 

“Yeah, I like the sound of that.” Jared nodded. And with that they all crawled into Jared and Jensen’s large bed.

*****

“Papa, how many days til Daddy goes back to the hospital?” Lilly asked again once they all got under the covers.

“Four.” Jensen said, holding up his own fingers like his husband did earlier, before yawning and falling asleep.

Soon those four fingers turned into three, then two, and then finally…one, and Jared and Jensen were back in Dr. Richardson’s office after Jared's fourth treatment. 

But when Jared got home that day, he didn’t run straight to bed, rather he ran straight to the kitchen. 

“Jen…I feel like cooking.” Jared declared.

It was the best thing Jared had heard come out of his husband's mouth in a long time.

“I mean, I don’t want to cook anything extravagant, but I wouldn’t mind whipping up a little casserole.”

Jensen thought he was going to cry. He couldn’t remember the last time he had tasted Jared’s cooking. 

“Wha’d’ya think?” Jared smiled, already fishing for his apron.

Jensen didn’t know what to think. This was a drastic change from the man Jared had been only weeks, or even days earlier. 

“Earth to Jenny!” Jared said, waiving his hands in front of his husband’s face. Jenny…Jared had just called him Jenny.

“This is too good to be true.” Jensen whispered.

“What do you mean?” Jared pouted, placing both hands on either side of Jensen’s face. He kissed Jensen on the cheek and immediately Jensen realized something was wrong…Jared’s lips we’re cold, and what was supposed to be a kiss felt more like a soppy tongue trailing across his cheek. 

That’s when Jensen woke up to Charlie’s excited tongue attacking his face. He sighed, and brushed his hands over his cheek. It was dark outside. He looked at the alarm clock on his bedside. It was two-thirty in the morning. Apparently their family nap had turned into a full on slumber party. 

“Charlie…” Jensen groaned. He ruffled the dogs hair and held her in his arms, cuddling with her before turning to go back to sleep. But once he turned his head he noticed something…Jared wasn’t in bed. And neither was Lilly.


	15. Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sensual content of the sexual variety

Jensen shot out of bed so fast he thought he was going to get whiplash. 

“Jay?” He shouted, “Lilly?” 

There was no answer and Jensen began to panic, running out of their room. “Jay? Lilly?” He called again as he made his way down the stairs. 

Once he reached the bottom of the stairs he heard faint shushing noise coming from the living room, so he followed it. His heart was beating so fast he thought it would jump right out of his chest. 

The noise got louder as he passed the kitchen and rounded the corner into the living room, where he saw Jared half sitting -half laying- on the couch with Lilly tucked into his side. Lilo & Stitch was playing softly on the TV in front of them.

“Thank God.” Jensen whispered, “Thank fucking God.”

He walked around the couch to see that sure enough both his daughter and his husband were fast asleep. Jensen smiled to himself at the sight. It was perfect. He stood and watched them for a moment, breathing in unison as they slept, and he hoped that the image would stay forever imbedded in his mind. 

When he finally got around to turning off the TV, the moment he did he heard a rustling on the couch. 

“Jen?” A tired voice croaked.

Jensen turned around to see Jared sleepily rubbing his eyes. “What time is it?” Jared asked. 

“A little past two thirty.” Jensen said. “What are you guys doing down here?”

Jared put a loving arm around their daughter, “We woke up from our ‘ _nap_ ’ about two hours ago.” Jared said, using air quotes, “Lilly wasn’t interested in going back to bed. She said she wanted to watch a movie, but you were still sound asleep and I didn’t want to wake you up, so I just watched it with her instead.” He yawned. “But I’d use _watch_ loosely…She was out like a light after the first ten minutes. I’m pretty sure I nodded off soon after that. ” Jared let out a little chuckle. 

“You guys are so goddamn precious.” Jensen breathed, still in awe of the moment of peace he had just witnessed moments before. 

 Jared wiped the corner of his mouth, “False.” He proclaimed, “There’s nothing precious about slobbering all over yourself like a baby when you sleep.” 

“There is, when it’s you.” Jensen smiled, “My Dimpled Darling.”

“Oh my god.” Jared snorted. “You’re _not_ bringing that back.” 

“It never should have left…” Jensen egged on, desperate for the old banter they used to carry on between themselves. Jared was Jensen’s Dimpled Darling, and Jensen was Jared’s Freckled Prince. It had been that way for the majority of their marriage and courtship, but the terms of endearment had all but disappeared in recent years. Five years to be exact... Jared hadn't called Jensen his 'Freckled Prince' since he said it in his suicide letter, after Eli's stillbirth.

Jared groaned. 

“I’m not going to make you say it.” Jensen sighed, giving Jared a closed mouth smile as he walked back towards the couch. “Let’s take the little one up to her room.” Jensen suggested, bending down to detach their daughter from Jared’s midsection. She let out a soft sniffle as he did so, instinctively wrapping her legs around Jensen’s torso and her arms around his neck when he lifted her off of the couch. “You comin’?” Jensen asked, adjusting his hold on Lilly.

“Yeah.” Jared exhaled, wiping his face with his hands. 

Jared followed Jensen upstairs and into Lilly’s room where they tucked her in under her pink princess sheets. Both of them gave her a kiss on the forehead before they turned off the lights and left her room.

“Jay, I woke up and I was alone…and I was scared…frantic, even.” Jensen breathed, once they had finally made it into their own room and closed the door. “I thought…I thought…we’ll I don’t know what I thought, but it wasn’t good.” 

They were standing by Jared’s bedside, holding each other in a tight embrace in the dark room, because Jensen was afraid to let go, and Jared didn’t want to. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Jen.” Jared reassured him, placing a kiss on the top of his husband’s head. ”I’m going to get better. I’m going to stay.” 

“Promise me.” Jensen said, he used his thumb to trace the vertical scars on Jared’s wrist, looking down at their intertwined hands before looking up at Jared, worry written across his face. 

“I promise.” Jared breathed, his eyes locked on Jensen’s, and his hands moved to hold his husband’s face between his palms. “I promise, my Freckled Prince.” 

Jensen let the tear that was threatening to fall, finally escape, and it crawled down the side of his face, until it crept into the side of his mouth. He blinked hard, comforted by the taste of salt on his tongue, comforted by the fact that he was vulnerable, and it was okay, because for the first time in a long time Jared was their shared source of solace. 

And so he cried, and cried harder as Jared pulled him into his chest, holding him tight...until Jared silenced his sobs with a tender kiss. 

“I love you Jay.” Jensen breathed once they parted. “I love you, so damn much. I just want you to love yourself…and see all the ways that you’re beautiful…all the ways that you’re perfect.” 

Jared silenced him with another kiss, “You don’t have to worry about me Jen. Just be with me…Be with me, okay.” He held onto Jensen’s hand and trailed it down his -once incredibly toned, now considerably less defined- torso. “Be happy…Make me happy.” 

Jared couldn’t bear to see his husband in tears over him. He knew that Jensen was trying to be strong for the both of them. Jared knew how much Jensen was sacrificing just out of the pure _hope_ that he would get better. And he was, he _was_ getting better… and he wanted to show Jensen just how much better he thought he had gotten. 

Jensen gave Jared a confused look, “What are you doing Jay…” he breathed, once their hands reached the hem of Jared’s pajama pants. 

“Jen.” Jared whispered, “It’s okay.” Jared took Jensen’s hand and slipped it into his pajama pants. Once their hands reached the base of Jared’s shaft, his breath hitched in his throat. 

“Are you sure?” Jensen asked, his whole body practically shaking. 

Jared closed his eyes and nodded, “Yes.” He removed his hand from Jensen’s and let his husband slowly glide his hand down his shaft, working him up gently and deliberately, without any rush.

As they stood there, Jared kissed away Jensen’s remaining tears, tasting the salt now on his own tongue. “It’s okay.” Jared reassured his husband, sinking into him as Jensen continued moving his hand delicately along his husband’s length. “It’s okay.” 

Jensen stopped stroking and looked at Jared before removing his hand from his husband’s pants. “Jared. Who are you trying to convince here?” Jensen sighed, “Are you telling _me_ that it’s okay…or are you telling _yourself_?” 

Jared inhaled deeply and took a seat on the edge of the bed, dragging Jensen along with him so that they were sitting next to each other. “I was telling you the first time…but after that…I had to tell myself. And it’s not because I don’t want to, or because I don’t feel ready, because trust me Jen, right here, _right now_ , believe me, I’m ready.” He sighed, “I just don’t want to disappoint you.” 

“Shhh. Enough of that Jay.” Jensen hushed. He had his moment of weakness, let Jared hold him close and wipe his tears, but Jensen knew he still had to focus on his husband. He could worry about himself later. Jared came first until he got better. Though even after that, Jensen knew his mindset wouldn’t change. 

“Lay down Jay. I’ll take care of you.” Jensen breathed. He would take care of his husband, just like he always did. But tonight he would take care of Jared in a way he hadn't been taken care of in a long time.

Jared complied, falling back onto the bed and slowly shifting himself up and over so that his head was resting face up on his pillow, and his legs fit all the way onto the bed. Jared lifted himself up on his elbows and watched as Jensen lifted his shirt over his head and dropped it onto the floor before slipping out of his pants. 

Jared held his breath once Jensen was completely nude, but he didn’t have any trouble keeping his composure when Jensen began crawling between his legs. He wasn’t nervous, that wasn’t what he was feeling at all. There was something else...still a problem that he needed to overcome. He was noticeably unexcited below the belt, and it wasn’t his fault. He thought he was ready, he _wanted_ to be ready, but something was wrong. 

“Don’t worry Jay, I’ll take care of you.” Jensen repeated. 

There was nothing erotic about Jensen's words or movements. They were honest, and loving. The look Jensen gave Jared wasn’t one of lust, or hunger, it was one of need, and compassion. “If you want me to stop, at any point, just let me know. Okay?” 

Jared nodded. Only a little over a week ago he would have flinched at the slightest touch, and now, at this very moment he felt okay. He just wanted his body to respond the way his mind wanted him to. It didn’t make any sense. He could feel it in his bones, the warmth Jensen was giving off…but his body wouldn’t budge, wouldn’t respond to the way his husband touched him. 

With his lips, Jensen traced the scars on his husband’s wrists, leaving soft kisses along their path. Though the remains of Jared’s pain would be forever present in his scars, so would Jensen’s love for him. 

Jared closed his eyes, determined to make his body respond. But it wouldn’t. So maybe that meant he just wasn’t as ready as he thought he was after all. “Jen.” He breathed. He kept his eyes closed as he took another breath. 

“Yeah, Jay.” Jensen breathed, removing his lips from Jared’s wrist. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He crawled up so that he was straddling Jared’s waist, then he bent down to brush his husband’s hair out of his face. “Jay, what is it?” 

“I told you I’d disappoint you.” Jared whispered. 

“What do you mean, Jay? You’re not disappointing me sweetheart.” Jensen used his hand to brush the side of Jared’s face, alternating between his palm and the back of his hand as he slid up and down his husband’s chin. Jared hadn’t shaved in a while, and his stubble felt pleasantly prickly against Jensen’s skin. 

“I can’t…I can’t even…” Jared mumbled,

“You can’t even what, Jay?” Jensen asked earnestly.

“My body…” Jared sighed, “It won’t do what I want it to.” 

Jensen raised an eyebrow at his husband before reaching behind him, slipping his hand under Jared’s pants, and grabbing on to Jared’s regretfully flaccid member, where he began playing with the head. 

After about a minute of unresponsiveness, Jensen sighed, “Nothing?” 

Jared apologetically shook his head. “I’m sorry Jen. Its not that I don’t want you.” 

“It’s okay Baby.” Jensen said, trailing kisses along Jared’s collarbone. “Maybe it’s the treatments, or the meds…” He gave Jared a final kiss on the lips. “Don’t worry about it, okay.” He rolled off of Jared and lay next to him on the bed. 

“But I still want to feel you.” Jared breathed. He propped himself up on his elbow, and brought his other hand over to rest on Jensen’s stomach. “I want you…I want to feel…I need it Jen. I need you.”

Jensen just wanted to give Jared what he needed. He really did. But at the same time he had to look out for Jared, “Jay I don’t know if this is the best idea. Maybe we should just wait.” 

“I don’t want to wait.” Jared huffed, “Jen I want to _feel_. I need it… You can help me feel something…something good.” 

Jensen gulped. God how he wanted to be with his husband again, just make love to him without thinking of anything else…or doing it for anyone else other than themselves. Jensen couldn’t remember the last time he slept with his husband just to _be_ with him, as opposed to sleeping with him for the purpose of getting him pregnant. And that had brought them nothing but sadness…but with Jared’s treatments, the possibility of a pregnancy was guaranteed impossible. Which was both a blessing and a curse.

Jensen didn’t want to say he’d forgotten how to make love to his husband…but the pure intimacy of their sex had been lost in the previous years. Now that it was his responsibility to find it again, he’d be damned if he didn’t find it, and then some.

Jensen sat up and proceeded to get on his knees, looking Jared in the eyes with delicate resolve. “This is for us, only us.” Jensen breathed, “This is for us, and nobody else.”

Jared nodded and fell back onto his pillow, closing his eyes. “Please, Jen.”

“Shhh…” Jensen hushed, crawling back between Jared’s legs. He slowly rolled down Jared’s pajama pant’s with the help of his husband –who lifted his bottom off of the bed so that Jensen could take them off.

Jensen tried not to let out an audible sigh when the scars on Jared’s thighs were exposed. The scars Jared had brought about by using the kitchen knife he had hidden under his pillow earlier. There were thirty-seven, Jensen remembered, he didn’t have to count them. Thirty-seven bad days, thirty-seven painful days he couldn’t make go away, thirty-seven kisses he should have given…but didn’t. 

But it wasn’t too late. He could fix things…he could fix Jared, and he would. So Jensen left his husband thirty-seven kisses, one on each and every scar Jared had on his lower body, before crawling back up to Jared’s wrists again and leaving another kiss on each one. 

Then he continued up, until he got to Jared’s mouth, where he placed a tender kiss on his husband’s lips. “Do you trust me?” Jensen breathed once they had parted. 

Jared opened his eyes, looked right at Jensen and said, “I do. I trust you.”

Jensen left another gentle kiss on his husband’s lips. “Turn over.” Jensen instructed. 

Jared shook his head, “No Jen. I want to see your face.” 

“Are you sure?” Jensen breathed. 

“Yes.” Jared nodded. “Yes, I’m sure.”

Jared needed to see Jensen. He needed that connection, needed to feel safe. And Jensen was glad, because he needed to see Jared too. He needed it to be different from all the other times, when he used to fuck his husband from behind, faceless and fast, only with the hope that _this time_ , _this time would be the time Jared would finally get pregnant_ …only for their hopes to be crushed every time.

But not this time. This time they weren’t going to fuck, they weren’t going to try and make a baby, they were just going to _be_ …together. 

“Alright.” Jensen nodded back, “Scoot down, I don’t want you to hit your head on the headboard.”

“Okay.” Jared complied, moving further down the bed.

Jensen leaned over him and brought some pillows down, tucking one underneath Jared’s head before reaching into the bedside drawer, grabbing some – _unexpired?_ – lube, and settling back between Jared’s legs. 

Jensen squirted a generous amount of lube onto his fingers -it had been a while since they last did this- before giving one of Jared’s scarred thighs a gentle rub with his unlubed hand. “I’m gunna be as gentle as I possibly can.” Jensen leaned over Jared and connected their lips, pacifying Jared’s cries as he entered him with his lubed fingers. 

Jared’s hands clawed weakly at Jensen’s back, his cries becoming louder as Jensen slowly began pumping his fingers in and out of him. “Jen…it hurts.” Jared whimpered between kisses. 

Jensen stilled his fingers, letting them rest inside of his husband. “I’m sorry Baby. Do you want me to stop?” Jensen breathed. 

“No. No. Keep going.” Jared exhaled, “It’s okay… _I’m, I’m okay._ ” He connected his lips with Jensen’s and adjusted himself underneath him, willing away the pain as best as he could. He needed this. He needed Jensen. 

Soon he had loosened up enough to the point where he felt comfortable enough to say, “Jen. I’m ready…please.” And with that Jensen removed his fingers from his husband, and slowly but surely, replaced this three lubed digits with his hard member, which he generously covered in lube before entering his husband.

“Are you alright? Is this okay?” Jensen asked once he was fully inside of Jared. 

“Mhhmm.” Jared hummed, eyes wired shut, breath shallow and short. “M—Move.” 

“Jay—“ 

“Move.” Jared pleaded. All he wanted was to feel. All he wanted was for his husband to fix him, to know that he didn’t have to rely on his treatments in order to feel like himself again. 

“Baby, are you—“ 

“I’m sure. Jen, please.” Jared was really begging at this point. Jensen was already inside of him, and this standstill…this _inbetween_ …it was killing him. “Move. I need you to move.” 

Jensen nodded, pulling Jared closer to him, and Jared proceeded to wrap his feet around his husband’s torso.

“I love you Jared.” Jensen breathed as he began slowly thrusting into his husband, each thrust going deeper than the last, spreading Jared a bit more reach time until he finally relaxed underneath Jensen. 

“I love you.” Jensen repeated. His thrusts began to quicken in pace, filling Jared with his entire length each time. “Let me take your pain away Jay.” Jensen huffed. He hit Jared’s prostate for the first time, and his long haired husband let out a guttural moan. “Whatever’s left, just let me take it away.”

Jensen continued to thrust into Jared with a deliberately moderate pace, but his husband’s moans further encouraged him to increase the speed of his thrusts. So he did, each time making sure he hit Jared’s prostate with the utmost precision. 

...Jensen came quicker than he wanted-or expected-to. But he kept thrusting anyway, waiting for Jared to get his own release…but he never did. And Jensen noticed that his husband’s moans had turned into sobs. So he stopped -though he stayed inside of Jared- and brushed his husband’s hair out of his face. 

“Baby what’s wrong.” Jensen said, breathlessly. It felt good, _beyond_ good, beyond _great_ , even…when he finally came. He had waited long and patiently for that moment. But now, as he saw his husband crying beneath him, Jensen had all but forgotten the pleasure he had experienced only moments beforehand. 

“Nothing. It’s just.” Jared sniffled, “There are so many… _feelings_.” 

“ _Feelings_?” Jensen repeated.

Jared rested one hand on his forehead, brushing back some of his hair. “Yeah.” He breathed, “And they’re good ones, Jen. They’re good ones.”

Jensen looked at his husband in awe. He was just so in love with Jared…and he was happy that finally, _finally_ Jared felt something positive. And not just something positive, but something ‘ _good_.’ 

“I just want to lay here, with you.” Jared sighed. “That way I can be a sloth…but with…my favorite human by my side. That way at least I won't be _lonely_ sloth.” 

“You really are a character.” Jensen breathed, smiling, and holding back his tears, because that was Jensen's first glimpse-in what seemed like forever- of the quirky dork he married almost a decade earlier. But he had already cried enough for one night. So he lowered his chest onto Jared’s, and went on to rest his forehead in the crook of Jared’s neck. “I’ll never let you go Jay.” He breathed.

Jared let out a whimsical whisper, and only one word escaped his lips “Don’t.” 

They fell asleep that way, tangled in each other's arms.


	16. Cookies and Chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm sorry, I've been beyond swamped with work and exams, but I've got a few long chapters lined up for you guys. Comments really reeeally encourage me to write faster! xoxo

“Papa. Papa wake up.” Jensen heard a little voice whisper in his ear and he grumbled, struggling to open his eyes. And when he finally did, he saw Lilly’s smiling face staring down at him. She had a cookie in her hand, which she promptly stuffed into her mouth. “Daddy made cookies. 

“He did what?” Jensen sat up in bed and wiped the corner of his mouth with the palm of his hand. It was eight o’clock in the morning...on a Saturday… which meant it was too early to be awake, never mind baking cookies. 

“Cookies!” Lilly repeated, pulling another cookie seemingly out of thin air and shoving it in her father’s face. “Eat! Papa they’re soooo good!”

Jensen couldn’t get a word in before Lilly shoved the cookie into his mouth. Jared hadn’t lost his touch, his cookies still tasted just as delicious as Jensen remembered.

“Papa, Daddy made a bunch of cookies. There must be a million downstairs. They’re everywhere.” Lilly said with wide eyes. She pulled another another cookie from underneath her nightgown. “On the counter tops! On the dinner table! In the oven!”

“Lillian.” Jensen held up a hand to silence her. “How many times must I tell you…your underwear is _not_ a substitute for a pocket.” 

“Sorry Papa.” Lilly giggled as she apologized, then proceeded to take a bite of the cookie anyway.

“It’s alright. Why don’t you go get cleaned up.” Jensen instructed. Lilly nodded and disappeared out of the room. 

Jensen slowly got out of bed, threw on a shirt, and made his way to the kitchen. The entire house smelled like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and it made Jensen’s stomach grumble. But when he finally reached the source of the smell, his jaw practically crash-landed onto the floor. Lilly wasn’t lying. Almost every countertop in the kitchen was covered in plates and trays of chocolate chip cookies. 

“Jesus Christ.” Jensen whispered. Jared was leaning against the kitchen island and mixing what must have been another bowl of cookies. “Jay, what are you doing?” Jensen asked. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Jared answered without looking up from the bowl. 

Jensen walked over to his husband and peered into the bowl of dough Jared was adamantly mixing before looking back up at him. “Jay stop.” 

“I can’t.” Jared reached over in front of Jensen, grabbed a handful of chocolate chips from another bowl, and proceeded to pour them into the mix.

“Jay.” Jensen whispered.

Jared ignored him and continued to add chocolate chips to the cookie dough. 

“Jay!” Jensen boomed, grabbing onto his husband’s wrist. “Look at me.”

Jared reluctantly turned his head toward Jensen. “Jared. Please. Put the bowl down.” Jensen said calmly. He looked Jared in the eyes. “What is this?” He waved his hand around the kitchen. “How long have you been awake?” 

“Since a little after four.” 

“A little after four?” Jensen repeated in shock. They had fallen asleep around three thirty the night before. “Jared, what?” 

“I couldn’t stop thinking.” Jared breathed, setting the bowl of cookie dough down on the counter. 

“Thinking?” Jensen mimicked his husband yet again. But when Jared brushed his hair behind his ear, exposing the violet blotches of color Jensen had left on his skin the previous night, it was then that Jensen immediately understood what was wrong. “Jay.” Jensen whispered. “Jay, is this about last night?” 

Jared looked at the floor and Jensen sighed in response. “We should have waited. I’m sorry.” Jensen sighed, “We should have waited until after your treatments were done.” 

“No “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I wanted it Jen. _Needed it_ even.” Jared dropped the whisk into the bowl and looked back up at his husband, “But you needed it more. And last night I saw just how much I was depriving you of Jen.” He sighed, “What I’m doing…holding you back…It isn’t fair to you.” 

Jensen interlaced his hand with Jared’s and ran his free hand through Jared’s long locks. “You’re not holding me back sweetheart. Last night was for _us._ We both needed it. Maybe for different reasons, but we needed it nonetheless. So please don’t ever feel guilty for the way you feel. Please don’t feel guilty for needing certain things. Because whatever you need…I’ll give it to you. Always.” 

Jensen gave Jared a comforting smile, “In sickness and in health, remember?” He breathed. “We’ve had five rough years, but we’ll make up for it with the rest of our lives. Together.”

“I don’t deserve you.” Jared sniffled. “I don’t deserve happiness. After all I’ve taken away from you…from Lilly. I don’t deserve anything.” 

“But that’s where you’re terribly, terribly wrong.” Jensen breathed. “You deserve the world.” He stopped running his hands through Jared’s hair, and rested his palm on Jared’s cheek, caressing it. Jared leaned into his touch. “Jay… Know your worth. Know that it’s priceless.” 

Jared nodded, still unsure if he believed anything his husband was saying to him. And though he knew Jensen was trying to comfort him, he still failed to understand what Jared’s real problem was. The whole reason he was undergoing treatment in the first place. 

“It’s just that…we haven’t been that close…we haven’t…had sex…since my last failed pregnancy…and I…it’s just having to deal with the unbearable truth that I’ll never have to take another pregnancy test again. I just can’t believe it’s official…we’ll never have a son. We’ll never have the family that we wanted.” 

“Jay—“

Jared brought his free hand up to his cheek and placed it upon Jensen’s. “Jensen, I haven’t felt like myself in over five years. And after one night with you…I mean…I just felt _whole_. More than I have since before we even had all of this.” Jared looked around the kitchen. “Before we were trying to make a family…before we failed.” 

“Is that what you think Jared?” Jensen felt broken. “Do you think we _failed_ at making a life for ourselves? Jay we have everything we wanted, everything we used to talk about, _dream_ about, with the exception of...” Jensen stopped, realizing he had gotten ahead of himself.

“Like I said.” Jared sighed. 

“We didn’t fail, okay.” Jensen breathed. “We gave it our all, and sometimes that just isn’t enough. But I’ll be damned if you say we failed. We have a beautiful daughter, friends and family who love us, a big house, found success in our careers- no matter how short-…Jay, nine out of ten ain’t lookin’ that bad.” 

Jared sighed. He was tired of his husband’s constant positivity, the way that he seemed to treat him like a baby, hiding the truth from him. It was almost hypocritical…it wasn’t right for Jensen to put on this happy front 24/7, because it only made Jared feel as though he was living a lie. He felt like Jensen was putting on an act, not allowing himself to be _himself_ with his husband. 

Jared needed to hear the truth. He needed Jensen to stop sugar coating things because he was afraid of stepping on Jared’s toes. For the past five years Jared hadn’t really known what Jensen thought of him, or their entire situation. How was he supposed to be free to feel when Jensen couldn’t even get himself to do it? 

“Can you just stop trying to console me for a second...” Jared removed Jensen’s hand from his face. “Can you just tell me how you really feel…tell me what you really think about me…what you really think about our lives. Can you honestly tell me you don’t blame me for the loss of our sons?” Jared accused.

“I don’t blame you for _anything_!” Jensen shook his head, “But I won’t talk about this now Jared. You’re on edge, you need to sleep.” 

“I’m fine.” Jared huffed.

“I don’t understand why you’re upset with me.” Jensen pleaded. 

“Why are you pretending to be happy?” Jared sighed, “I know you’re not. And it’s okay for you not to be. Hell I haven’t been happy in five fucking years and I’ve made that really fucking clear. So why haven’t you been honest about your feelings Jensen?” 

“Hold on Jared, that isn’t fair.” Jensen defended, “I have been nothing but honest with you for the duration of our marriage.” 

“Fine…then answer this question.” Jared looked Jensen in the eyes. Jared’s green eyes were dim and beneath them were visible bags from lack of sleep. “Are you happy that we can’t get pregnant? Are you relieved?” 

Jensen was more than relieved. Though it pained him to admit it, even to himself, he didn’t care anymore. He didn’t care about having a son. All he wanted was his husband back. 

“Jay…” 

“Answer the question Jensen.” 

Jensen wiped his face with his hand and looked sadly into his husband’s eyes. “Yes.” He whispered. “I’m tired Jay. I’m tired of the pain we’ve brought about our lives. I’m tired. I’m done trying. I have you and I have Lilly, and that is more than enough for me. Okay?” Jensen breathed, “And that’s not to say that I don’t think about what could have been, but the point is that we can’t have it… _them_ …and we never will. And nothing we ever do can change that.”

Jared looked at Jensen in shock. It was the first time Jensen had explicitly announced his feelings. 

“I’m happy Jay. The only thing that makes me sad is the fact that you aren’t. So until you realize that you’re allowed to be happy…that you’re allowed to keep _living_ …I’ll be here to remind you of all the good things in the world.” Jensen brought his hand back to Jared’s cheek. “Don’t worry about my feelings okay. That’s not your job right now. I need you to worry about _you_ , and nothing else. Not until the treatments are over.” 

“But Jen you don’t understand.” Jared exhaled. “Last night I felt…good…and I feel guilty, so, so guilty for that Jen. Because last night we had sex, just for us…and I haven’t done anything for myself in the past five years.” Jared began to cry. “How can I make any progress if the better I feel…the guiltier I become? How can I keep opening up to you, when you wont do the same for me? It’s not fair Jen. None of this is.” 

“Oh Jay.” Jensen pulled Jared into a hug and let him cry into his shoulder, the cotton fabric of his shirt soaking up his husband’s tears. “Life has never been fair. We know that all too well.” 

Jensen felt something tug at his pant leg.

“Charlie no!” Lilly giggled. She ran into the kitchen and grabbed Charlie. “Those are Papa’s favorite jammies.” She looked up at her embracing parents and frowned, but before she could say anything, Jensen looked down at her and placed his index finger over his lips, signaling that she should refrain from doing what he knew she was about to do, ask Jared why he was crying. 

Lilly held Charlie in her hands and nodded. She grabbed two more cookies off of the tray next to her and quietly made her way out of the kitchen. 

Jensen was always baffled by his daughters comprehensiveness. He was sure there were little to no other seven year olds with her ability to understand such a complex situation.

“Jay I think you should get some sleep.” Jensen said, turning his attention back on his husband. "Your next treatment is in three days, and you need to go into it in a good headspace.”

Jared lifted his head from Jensen’s shoulder. “My next treatment is in a week. Dr. Richardson called a little while ago to reschedule. Apparently his daughter just got engaged so he’s heading up to Maine.”

“Oh.” Jensen breathed. “But won’t that mess with the flow of your treatments?”

“I don’t know. I would suppose not.” Jared sighed, wiping his eyes. “He told me I should be fine as long as I keep taking my meds.” 

“Okay, well let’s get you to bed.” Jensen said. 

“But the cookies.” Jared protested. 

Jensen gave him a stern look before leading him out of the kitchen and up the stairs to their bedroom. Once Jared was under the covers, Jensen gave him a kiss on the forehead. He was on his way out of the room when Jared called him back in. 

“What is it?” Jensen asked worriedly. 

Jared struggled to keep his eyes open and they began to flutter shut as he spoke. “Jen. I…I want to move on with my life. I want to move forward and focus on the things I have and the people who are around me right now…I just…I just don’t know how.”

“That’s okay Jay. It’s okay not to know.” Jensen smiled as he stood in the doorway, “We’ll get through this. In a week you’ll have your next treatment and with the way you’ve been progressing…” Jensen exhaled, “I know we’ll be able to move on soon. I know it.”

Jared yawned before closing his eyes and turning away from Jensen, pulling the covers over his head as he did so.

***

 

Two days later Jared started having night terrors. The first one happened late Monday night. At eleven thirty, after an hour and twenty four minutes of sleep, Jensen woke up to the sound of his husband’s screams. It was like every horror movie Jensen had ever seen. Jared thrashed around, flailing his arms and legs around as he continued screaming. Jensen feared his husband’s head was going to do a full 360, he was sure Jared must have been possessed. 

“Jared! Jared!” Jensen screamed, trying to hold his husband down, but he couldn’t. Jared was just too strong, and he wasn’t responding to Jensen’s pleas. 

Lilly padded into the room, rubbing at her eyes as her teddy bear dragged on the floor. “Papa what’s goin—Ahh!” Lilly screamed. 

Jensen turned his head towards his daughter. He was crouched on top of Jared, trying his hardest to hold him down, and failing miserably. “Lillian go to your room. Please.” 

She was frantically crying now, hiding her head in her hands. “Papa why is Daddy moving like that? Why is he screaming?” She continued to sob. “Is Daddy dying? Papa please don’t let him die.” 

“Lillian. Your room!” Jensen boomed. 

“No!” She screamed, her hands still covering her face as she cried, “I won’t leave him.” She stomped her foot and Jared’s screams got louder. “Fix him Papa! Fix Daddy. Make it stop.” Lilly moved her hands to her ears and her teddy bear fell to the ground. 

“Jared, honey, talk to me.” Jensen pleaded. Beneath his grasp, Jared continued to shake and scream.

“No! Please!” Jared screamed, “Don’t! Please, No!”

Now Jensen was crying, he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was going on with his husband. It was so bizarre. It was just too much…

But as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Jared went limp beneath Jensen, and his breathing leveled out. A moment later he let out a drawn out snore. 

“Is it over?” Lilly squinted her eyes so that she could see a small amount. Her breath hitched in her throat as she sobbed. 

Jensen was still crying when he rolled away from Jared and got up from the bed. He walked over to Lilly and picked up her teddy bear before lifting her into his arms. “It’s over. It’s all over sweetheart.” Jensen tried to console his daughter, but he couldn’t stop crying either. 

“Papa I’m scared.” Lilly cried. 

 _Me too_ , Jensen wanted to say, but instead he said, “It will all be okay. Daddy’s fine. He was just having a nightmare.”

“That’s not like any nightmare I’ve ever had.” Lilly wept.

“Shhhh, shhhh.” Jensen held her close. He was disoriented, he was confused, he was the most overwhelmed he had ever been in his whole goddamn life. 

“Will you please sleep with me Papa. I don’t want to be alone.” 

 _Me either_ , Jensen thought. But whatever had just happened with Jared…what if it happened again? He had to be there to help him.

“How about we sleep on the sofa, hmm?” Jensen proposed, walking over to the soft couch beneath a set of windows on the opposite side of their room. “I don’t want Daddy to be alone either.” 

Lilly sniffled and nodded her head as it rested in the crook of Jensen’s neck. Once they had laid down on the couch, it only took Lilly ten minutes to fall asleep, after which Jensen slowly got off the sofa, left their room, and walked into the hallway where he immediately called Misha. 

He picked up on the first ring. 

“Batman speaking.” Misha said, his voice low and raspy. 

“Meesh.” Jensen sighed, trying not to start crying again. He missed his friend. “Meesh something happened.” 

Misha quickly dropped the act, his voice becoming one of utmost concern. “With Jared? What is it?” 

“I…I don’t know. Twenty minutes ago I woke up to him screaming and thrashing around on the bed. He was just screaming…pleading for something…like he was deathly afraid.” Jensen’s breath hitched in his throat. “I’ve never seen anything like it Meesh.” 

“Night terrors.” Misha said matter of factly. 

“What?” Jensen breathed, “What the fuck is a night terror?”

“It’s like a nightmare but more intense.” Misha explained, “West used to have them all the time until about seven months ago. It’s truly the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced…and it never get’s better to deal with.” 

“What do you mean?” Jensen asked.

“You can’t really do anything to stop them. Its absolutely horrifying.” Misha continued, “And kids…they out grow it. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s happening to Jared as a result of his treatments.” 

“I almost forgot you started off college as a pre-med major...” Jensen used his thumb and forefinger to rub his temples. 

“It’s common knowledge my friend.” Misha stated. “But I wouldn’t worry. Though night terrors are unbearable to see happen, I don’t think they’re that much of a health hazard.” 

“Misha…It was traumatizing.” Jensen breathed, “And on top of that, Lilly walked in while it was happening. She practically saw the whole thing… I can’t even imagine how that’s going to affect her.”

“Fuck.” Misha whispered, “She saw it?” 

“Yeah.” Jensen sighed. “Dammit Misha, she doesn’t deserve this. She’s such a great kid.” Jensen finally broke down again, “She doesn’t even have a school to go to anymore. Pulled her out of that goddamn public school too. What do we have left?” 

Misha didn’t even wait a beat before proposing, “Bring her home. Bring her back to New York. Vicki and I will take care of her, she’s practically one of our own anyway. And I’m sure she’ll do better here…away from everything until Jared get’s better.”

“Meesh, I couldn’t.” Jensen exhaled in shock. 

“You can…and I think you should.” Misha stated, “At least until Jared is well into his treatments.” 

“I don’t know…” Jensen breathed. 

“We’ll think about it, alright. Just know that you always have Vicki and me as an option.” Misha assured. “In the meantime, call Jared’s doctor in the morning. But I’m almost sure he’s having night terrors.” 

Jensen wiped his face with the palm of his hand. He was exhausted in more ways than one. “Alright I’ll do that. Thanks for everything Meesh. Honestly.” 

“Any time Jen. It’s what I’m here for.” Misha smiled into the phone, and on the other end, Jensen was doing the same thing. 

“I’m going to try and get some sleep. I’ll talk to you soon.” Jensen breathed. 

“Until next time, buddy.” Misha said before they both hung up the phone. 

When Jensen walked back into the room he was pleasantly surprised to see Lilly on the couch, sleeping with her thumb in her mouth and her teddy bear clutched to her chest. It was something she only did when she was afraid, and she hadn’t done it since she was five years old. Seeing Lilly do that made Jensen immensely sad. Did that mean Lilly was afraid of her own father? Jensen thought that maybe it really was time for Lilly to spend some time back in New York, and away from all of this. 

Jensen looked over to the king sized bed where Jared was sprawled out, breathing deeply, and lying completely still. He looked rather peaceful; a stark contrast to the hysterical man Jensen had to hold down thirty minutes prior. 

Jensen sighed and made his way back onto the sofa, crawling under the covers next to his sleeping daughter. First thing in the morning, he was going to call Dr. Richardson.


	17. Spilled Milk

“Hello, Dr. Richardson.” Jensen breathed, “I know it’s a Sunday but this is urgent.”

“Mr. Ackles…” Dr. Richardson said cautiously. “I talked to your husband yesterday. What seems to be the problem?” 

“Something happened last night.” Jensen paused. “Last night I woke up to Jared screaming and thrashing around in bed. It was incredibly bizarre.” 

“When did this happen?” 

“Around eleven thirty. It was about an hour and a half after we had gone to bed.” Jensen explained.

“Sounds like your husband is having night terrors. It can be a side effect of the ECT, more like the lack there of.” Dr. Richardson hummed, “I’ll come back from Maine early to continue administering Jared’s treatments. Give me four days and I’ll be back in town.” 

“Thank you.” Jensen breathed. “But what if it happens again? What do I do? How do I stop them?” 

“You can’t do anything. You have to let the night terrors run their course. Just stay by his side and make sure he doesn’t do anything harmful to himself.” Dr. Richardson said. 

“But I –“ 

“Morning Jen.” Jared groaned when he got into the kitchen. Jensen spun around just in time to see Jared shove a cookie into his mouth. He ate the whole thing in one bite, like it was a grape and not a hand-sized cookie.

Jensen looked at the cookie pan. There were four more giant cookies on the pan, and they were four times larger than the ones Lilly was eating before. Jared must have made his own giant sized cookies to accommodate for his exceptionally large frame. “Why was Lilly asleep on our sofa this morning?” 

Jensen quickly turned away from Jared, “One moment.” Jensen said to Dr. Richardson. He proceeded to press the mute button on his iPhone before replying to his husband. “Morning Jay. How ya feelin’?” He asked, ignoring his husband’s question. 

“…Fine…” Jared said. 

“Are you sure?” Jensen asked. 

Jared raised an eyebrow, “…Yeah…” 

“Do you remember what happened last night?” Jensen asked apprehensively. 

“What do you mean? Nothing happened last night. We watched reruns of The Wire and then went to bed.” Jared stated. 

Jensen looked at his husband in disbelief, “You don’t remember waking up in the middle of the night…?” 

“Huh?” Jared gave Jensen a confused look. “Pretty sure I had an okay nights sleep…an uninterrupted one for that matter.” 

“Jay…” Jensen gulped. Did Jared honestly fail to remember the traumatizing events that had occurred the previous night? “You…” Jensen didn’t know what to say, or if he should even say anything at all. 

“Listen Jen, whatever game you’re attempting to play, I’m not in the mood, okay?” Jared sighed and headed over to the fridge, grabbing the carton of milk that was inside, and setting it on the kitchen island. 

Jensen looked back at his phone. “I…I’ll be right back.” 

“Whatever.” Jared sighed, grabbing a bowl from the cabinet. 

Jensen walked out of the kitchen and walked down the hall, into one of their guest bedrooms, before shutting the door behind him. “Dr. Richardson, are you there?” Jensen asked weakly. 

“Yes, I am. What’s the matter?” 

“He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember anything that happened last night.” Jensen’s voice shook as he spoke. 

“That’s because he won’t.” Dr. Richardson exhaled, “He was in a deep sleep when it happened. He won’t remember the experience, or be able to recall what scared him in the first place.” 

“So what? Am I supposed to pretend it didn’t happen either?” Jensen sighed. 

“I know you feel pretty helpless Mr. Ackles.” Dr. Richardson solaced, “And I’m deeply sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t know many other husbands or wives who have been as strong as you have been in this situation. However, avoiding problems, or pretending they don’t exist, never helped anyone. Just keep doing what you’re doing.” 

“For how long.” Jensen sighed. 

“Don’t forget, your husband just started his treatments. He still has seven more to go, and there are many hurdles left to jump over. Just continue to be patient, and support your husband. That’s all anyone can ask for.” Dr. Richardson said.

Jensen nodded his head, though the doctor couldn’t see him. “Alright. I just can’t wait for this to finally be over.” 

“I think we all feel that way.” Dr. Richardson agreed. “Do you have any more questions?” 

“No. Thank you Dr. Richarson.” Jensen said. 

“You’re welcome. See you on Thursday.” Dr. Rhardson said before hanging up the phone. 

Jensen took a deep breath before leaving the guestroom and heading back to the kitchen, where Lilly and Jared were sitting across from each other, each of them with a bowl of cereal in front of them. 

Jensen couldn’t have walked in at a worse time. 

“Daddy you scared me. Me _and_ Papa. Really really bad.” Lilly said, taking a bite of her cereal.

“I’m sorry Lillypad. I don’t remember any of that.” Jared looked at her fondly and apologetically. “I…I would never want to scare you.” 

Jared looked up and saw Jensen enter the kitchen. “Jen…Jen what did I do last night? What happened?” 

“Dr. Richardson said you had a night terror.” Jensen breathed, having no choice but to tell him now that his daughter had already spilled the beans. 

“A…a night terror?” Jared asked.

“Yeah it’s—” 

“I know what it is Jen.” Jared exhaled, “I just can’t believe it. I’ve been taking my meds. Dr. Richardon said I’d be okay.” 

“Apparently not, I guess keeping up with your treatments is more important.”

Jared looked at Lilly, then back at Jensen, “Did…Did I hurt anyone?”

“No Daddy. You didn’t _hurt_ anybody. But you scared _everybody_.” 

“Lilly.” Jensen widened his eyes at his daughter. 

“No, it’s okay.” Jared sighed, “I’m sure I did. And I’m sorry for that.”

“It’s okay Daddy.” Lilly said, eating another spoonful of her cereal. “I know you’re scared too.” 

Jared ran his hands through his hair and looked down at his cereal. “I’m not that hungry anymore.” He pushed out of his chair, grabbed his –mostly full- bowl of cereal and headed over to the sink. 

“Don’t.” Lilly screamed, and Jared winced. He dropped the bowl and it fell to the ground, where it shattered, milk and corn flakes painting the floor. 

“Oh Daddy, I was gunna eat that for you.” Lilly whined. 

“I—I’m—I’m sorry.” Jared looked up at Lilly, then at Jensen, tears filling his eyes. 

Jensen ran over to him, quickly squatting down to pick up the shards of stoneware that had collected around Jared’s feet. “Don’t worry about it.” Jensen said, looking up at him as he picked up the pieces. “It’s alright. I’ve got it.” 

“I can do it.” Jared said, squatting down next to Jensen. 

“No Jay, it’s okay.”

“Just let me clean up my own goddamn mess, for _once_ in my life.” Jared boomed, looking at Jensen with eyes full of shame and anger. 

“Papa can I talk to you please.” Lilly said from her seat at the table. “Outside of the kitchen.”

Jensen looked at Jared, who was glaring daggers into his eyes, waiting for him to get up so he could pick up what was left of the bowl and clean up its spilt contents.

“Okay Lillypad.” Jensen said, slowly standing back up, trying to hold back tears for what must have been the thousandth time in the last twenty-four hours. “Let’s go to your room.” 

Lilly nodded and got up from her chair, following her father out of the room, with Charlie close behind her.

Once they were out of the kitchen, Jared looked down at the mess he had made and he let his feet give way beneath him. He fell from his squatting position, which resulted in him landing in the pool of milk and cereal, where he just sat, resignedly. The cold milk soaked into his pants, but he didn’t care. He had one of the shards of stoneware in his hand and he looked at it, observing the sharp edges and the intricately painted design on its face. 

He didn’t want to cut again. He really didn’t want to. It had been so many days since he’d broken any skin, created any new scars. He didn’t even feel sad any more. What consumed him now, was guilt. Guilt that he had let himself be happy with Jensen for a moment nights before. Guilt that there was a possibility of him being happy again. Guilt that he was alive when his boys were dead. No matter what happened, he was helpless. Jared felt like he couldn’t win. He couldn’t be happy without letting go of his boys, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to, or if he was ready to, just yet. 

So he dropped the stoneware and sat on the ground with his head pressed against a cabinet, in the puddle of milk and soggy cereal, and cried until he fell asleep. 

***meanwhile*** 

“Papa, I had a nightmare last night too…” Lilly said. She was hanging her head over the edge of her bed, and looking at Jensen who was sitting on the floor beneath her. “It was about Daddy…I just kept seeing it over and over.”

Jensen sighed, looking sadly at his daughter. “Lillypad I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry about a lot of things.”

“It’s okay Papa.” 

“It’s not okay.” Jensen looked down at his hands before looking back up at his daughter. Sure, the social worker hadn’t taken her away, but Lilly honestly didn’t deserve to be around such a toxic situation. He didn’t want her to loose her innocence. He didn’t want her to stop being the cheerful little girl she was. If he was going to save his daughter _and_ his husband, there was only one thing Jensen could do at this point. 

“Lillypad I need you to pack your big princess suitcase, okay?” Jensen sighed.

Lilly flipped herself over and sat up on her bed. “Why? Are we going on vacation!?” She said excitedly.

“You’re going to New York.” Jensen tried to smile. He got up from the floor and sat on the edge of Lilly’s bed. 

“New York!” Lilly’s eyes grew wide. “Oh Papa I miss New York.” She clapped. “Are we moving back?” 

“No.” Jensen sighed. 

“Oh, well why are we going to New York? Are we going to visit West and Maison? I miss them.” 

“You’re going to New York so that you can go to your old school again, with West.” Jensen explained. He had made his decision, and that was just the way things were going to be, no matter the consequences. He knew that for Lilly, it would be better this way. 

“School? In New York? I thought you said it was a vacation.” Lilly huffed. 

“It _is_ a vacation, Lillypad. Just a longer one.” 

“People don’t go to school on vacation.” 

“It’s a special vacation.” 

“Papa.” Lilly huffed, “You’re not making any sense.”

Jensen took a deep breath, “You’re going to visit Uncle Misha and Aunt Vicki...And they’re going to watch you for a little while.” 

“Where will you be? What about Daddy?” Lilly asked. 

“I’m going to stay here.” Jensen explained. 

“What?” Lilly gasped, “Why aren’t you coming with me?” 

Jensen sighed, “I have to help Daddy.” 

“But I want to help him too.”

“You _are_ helping him.” Jensen emphasized.

“By going away?” Lilly pouted. 

“No Lillypad, that’s not what I mean.” Jensen tried to think of a way to fix his words, “You’re helping Daddy by being happy! Wont you be happy playing with West and seeing your old friends for a little while?” 

Lilly nodded, “But I don’t want to go without you.” 

“I know, but it’s only for a little while.” Jensen lied. He wasn’t sure how much longer it would take for Jared to finish his treatments. Odds were that it would take at least four months, and four months was a long time for a parent and their child to be separated. 

“When I come back will daddy be happy?” Lilly asked. 

“You bet, kiddo.” Jensen said, ruffling her hair. “When you get back home it will be like the way things used to be.” 

“Will Daddy push me on the swings again?” 

“Yup.” Jensen feigned a smile.

“Goodie!” Lilly clapped. “Okay…okay I’ll go. But you have to promise to FaceTime me every day.” She held out her pinky. 

Jensen let out an amused sigh. Kids these days new more about technology than their parents could ever imagine. “I promise” Jensen said, grabbing hold of his daughter’s pinky with his own. “Just don’t tell Daddy, okay. I’ll tell him myself.” 

“Okay.” Lilly nodded.

“Now let’s get your bag out of the closet so you can start throwing things in there.” Jensen directed. “I’ll take a look at what you’ve put together in about an hour.” 

“Got it.” Lilly let go of Jensen’s pinky and gave him a cute salute before jumping off of her bed and making her way to her closet. Jensen helped Lilly take her larger suitcase out of the closet before making his way back downstairs. He was going to tell Jared that Lilly had to go. Tomorrow. It was for the benefit of their family’s well being. 

But when Jensen got downstairs and found Jared sleeping in the pile of spilt cereal, he proceeded to get a rag from the laundry room and clean up the mess surrounding his husband. 

“Jay.” Jensen breathed once the mess had been cleaned. “Jared, baby, wake up.” Jensen lightly tapped his husband on the cheek, and Jared’s eyes fluttered open. “Hey.” Jensen smiled. 

“Hey.” Jared replied weakly. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” Jensen suggested.

Jared nodded, and Jensen helped him up, leading him up the stairs, and into their master bathroom, where Jensen stripped his husband of his clothes before running the shower and instructing him to get inside. 

“I called Dr. Richardson, and he’s coming back early.” Jensen explained. He was sitting on the counter between their twin sinks and across from Jared, who was washing his hair in the shower. “You can continue your treatments in four days rather than seven.” 

“Good.” Jared sighed, the warm water rushing down his face. “I just want this to be over Jen. The treatments. Everything. I want to feel normal again.” He paused, “What I did last night…how I made you and Lilly feel…scared…scared of me. I can’t live with myself…even _you guys_ are afraid of who I’ve become.” 

“We aren’t afraid of you Jared. Please don’t talk about yourself that way…not again…we’ve come so far.” Jensen pleaded. 

Jared didn’t say anything else after that. When he was done in the shower he toweled off, put on a pair of sweats, and made his way to bed. Once he had gotten comfortable he patted the space next to him. 

“Please. Sit with me.” Jared said sadly, as he looked across the room at Jensen, who was leaning against the frame of their bathroom door. “I’m not dangerous. I wont bite…just please. Sit with me.” 

Jared looked like a sad puppy, and it broke Jensen’s heart into a million little pieces. He walked over to their bed and sat down next to Jared, who promptly put his head in Jensen’s lap before letting out a little whimper. “I don’t know why you love me. I don’t know how you put up with me.” 

Jensen ran his hand through Jared’s hair, “You’re my soul mate. We’re bound, always and forever.” Jensen breathed. 

And they sat there in silence, with Jensen running his hands through his husband’s long hair, until Lilly came into the room twenty minutes later. When she entered the room she pointed at Jared then tilted her head, putting her hands beneath her head like a pillow, as if to ask whether or not Jared was asleep. 

Based on the silence, and the way his husband was breathing evenly beneath him, his chest rising and falling at a steady rhythm, Jensen guessed that Jared must have been asleep, so he nodded his head, and Lilly came up to his bedside. 

“Papa, I’m done. I’m packed.” Lilly said. 

“Alright Lillypad, I’ll come take a look.” Jensen whispered. 

But suddenly there was a rustling beneath him. 

“Packed?” Jared sat up and turned to Jensen, shock and hurt written across his face. “Where is she going?” 

Jensen looked back and forth between his daughter and his husband…unsure of where to start, and afraid of where this would finish.


	18. Decisions

“Jensen.” Jared repeated after his husband failed to respond the first time. “Where is she going?” He corrected himself, “Where are _we_ going? What did she pack for?”

Jensen grabbed Lilly and placed her next to him on the bed before letting out a deep sigh. “New York.” Jensen exhaled, trying to look anywhere but into Jared’s pained eyes.

“New York? What do you mean we’re going to New York? No we’re not.” Jared challenged.

“Jay—“ Jensen began, but Jared continued to speak over him.

“Why would we be going to New York? I still have treatments. You just said Dr. Richardson is coming back early. We don’t have time to just hop on a plane and go to New York." 

Jensen held his daughter close and finally looked his husband in the eye. “I know.” Jensen breathed, “That’s why we’re not going with her.”

The room fell silent. Jared looked at Lilly and then at Jensen. And in that moment he felt so unbelievably betrayed. After everything, after all they’d been through, Jensen was going to take away the only source of love he had left, the only child he ever really had.

“What do you mean ‘ _we’re not going with her_ ’?” Jared’s lip quivered, “Why are you trying to take her away from me? Are you punishing me? Paying me back for the things that I’ve done? The pain I’ve caused?”

“I’m not punishing you Jay!" 

“Jen, if you take our daughter away from me that that’s going to be the _literal_ nail in the coffin… _my_ coffin.”

Lilly looked over at Jared, “What do you mean, Daddy?” She asked innocently, “Coffins are for dead people.”

They both ignored her.

“Jared you don’t understand.” Jensen said frantically, “It’s better this way.”

“Better for who?” Jared barked.

“For Lilly! For all of us!” Jensen bellowed. “Do you think I want to send our daughter thousands of miles away? She needs to go to school Jared. She needs to live a normal, stable life…and as much as I hate to say it, we can’t give that to her right now.”

“So again. All of this is my fault.”

“For God’s sake, Jay!” Jensen raised his hands in defeat, shaking them once, “For the _millionth_ time no one is blaming you...You just have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.”

“I won’t let you send her away.” Jared huffed. He got out of bed and frantically ran his hands though his hair. “You can’t do this.”

Jensen turned towards his daughter, “Why don’t you head over to your room, and I’ll come over in a few minutes to check out what you’ve packed." 

“Okay Papa.” Lilly nodded before jumping off of the bed and heading out of the room.

Once she was gone Jensen turned his attention back to his husband, who was now pacing back and forth across their bedroom. Jared was doing breathing exercises, they were the same ones his old doctor used to tell him do whenever he felt overwhelmed.

“Jay.” Jensen breathed. He got up from the bed and made his way over to his husband. “Jay.” He repeated. Once he made it to Jared, he pulled him into a tight embrace, and Jared dug his head into Jensen’s shoulder.

“Everyone I love leaves me.” Jared cried into his husband’s shoulder. “How long until you leave me too, Jen? How long?” 

Jensen ran his hand through his husband’s hair. “I am _never_ going to leave you Jay. Never.”

Jared just continued to cry.

“And Lilly isn’t leaving you.” Jensen sighed, “It’s just that...I’m desperate Jay. I’m desperate for you to get better, and I’m willing to try anything to make that happen.”

Jared stood there, crying in Jensen’s arms for the better part of half an hour, until he finally picked up his head and said, “Okay. She can go.” So Jensen called Misha and booked Lilly a one way ticket to New York, and she was on a plane the next day. 

Jared didn’t talk to Jensen until they were in Dr. Richardson’s office three days later.

**********

Jared was getting prepped for his fourth treatment when Dr. Richardson approached Jensen and pulled out of the examination room.

“Mr. Ackles,” he said calmly, “I need to talk to you.”

Jensen looked back into the room where Jared was getting strapped down onto the examination table, before looking back up at Dr. Richardson. “What is it?” Jensen sighed. Jared hadn’t talked to him in three days; in fact, Jared hadn’t even glanced his way in the past seventy-two hours. Whenever Jensen was around, Jared either pretended he was asleep or he completely ignored Jensen like he didn’t exist. 

Lilly was at home in New York with the Collins’, and Jensen Face Timed her every day…alone. But he was always reassured by the fact that whenever Lilly talked to him, she mentioned speaking with her Daddy as well. Apparently when Jared wasn’t busy ignoring Jensen, he was in fact Face Timing their daughter as well. 

Lilly said that Jared was sad that she was so far away, but he was comforted by the fact that he still got to see her face every day. Whenever Jensen asked Lilly how Jared was, she would tell him that her Daddy always told her that he was ‘okay,’ never anything less or anything more, just _okay._  

Though in the comfort of their kitchen, or their bedroom, or anywhere else in their goddamn house, Jared seemed anything _but_ okay. And Jensen knew that it was his fault, but he also knew that three days of silence from Jared would be worth it…eventually…once all the treatments were done. 

“When is the last time you and your husband had intercourse?” Dr. Richardson asked Jensen, breaking him out of his daze. 

“It must have been a little over a week ago.” Jensen reasoned, “Why?”

“I have some news for you.” Dr. Richardson sighed. 

“News, what kind of news?” Jensen pondered. He looked back into the examination room, where a crowd of nurses were still trying to anesthetize Jared.

“What I’m about to tell you…it isn’t exactly good news.” Dr. Richardson sighed, “I don’t want to call it _bad_ …because in any other circumstance this would be fantastic news, but…” 

“What.” Jensen sighed, “What is it?” He thought he had already heard the worst of the worst. And what could be worse than what he’d already heard? Nothing, he’d supposed. But of course, he was wrong.

“Mr. Ackles…your husband…he’s.” Dr. Richardson paused. 

“He’s what?” Jensen asked worriedly. He tore his eyes away from the room and turned towards Dr. Richardson.

“Your husband…” Dr. Richardson shook his head.

“Please.” Jensen begged, “What is it? What’s wrong?” 

Dr. Richardson took a deep breath and looked up at Jensen. A look of incredible despair spread across his face. “Mr. Ackles…Your husband is pregnant.” 

That was it. That was the worst piece of news Jensen had heard since arriving in San Antonio. 

“I…I…don’t understand.” Jensen’s chest heaved. He was well past the point of hyperventilation. “I don’t understand…You said…You said.” 

Dr. Richardson placed a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, “Mr. Ackles, I know it’s hard but I need you to stay calm. I need you to try and take normal breaths okay.” He moved his hand to Jensen’s back. “Breathe Jensen. Just breathe.” 

“You said it was impossible. You said it couldn’t happen.” Jensen felt his vision begin to cloud with tears. He looked back into the examination room. “You said…” He turned back to Dr. Richardson, a look of pure unadulterated pain was written across his face. Jensen felt like he was going to collapse into nothing. 

He was angry. He was fuming. “You said this was impossible.” Jensen cried as he repeated, “You said this was impossible.”

“It’s a miracle” Dr. Richardson tried to comfort him.

“It’s a curse!” Jensen cried.

Dr. Richardson squeezed his shoulder in an effort to console him. “I’m sorry Mr. Ackles…Jensen…” Dr. Richardson sighed. “I’m deeply, deeply, sorry.” 

“What are we supposed to do.” Jensen looked back into the room where Jared was resting peacefully –strapped down onto the examination table- with his eyes gently closed. 

“Well,” Dr. Richardson sighed sadly, “I would still consider this a miracle…and if you want to keep the baby…that’s still an option.”

Jensen placed his palms on the glass windows separating him from his husband.

“But if you want to keep this baby, then we’re going to have to stop the treatments.” Dr. Richardson continued, “And the odds of a pregnancy being successful are still slim to none.” Dr. Richardson paused. When Jensen didn’t say anything, Dr. Richardson continued to speak. “If you decide to have this baby…and it's another stillborn…or even if it lives… Jared will have to restart his treatments…all of his progress…he’ll have to start over.”

The tears wouldn’t stop falling from Jensen’s eyes. He put his forehead on the glass and continued to cry in silence. 

“So the question here is, do you want to continue the treatments, or do you want to try and have this baby?”

Jensen still refused to reply. He couldn’t believe a word he was hearing. He couldn’t imagine…after everything that had happened in the past five years…he couldn’t imagine going through all of the pain and suffering yet another time. He couldn’t let Jared go through the trials of labor _ever_ again. It would have been purely selfish for him to make Jared keep this baby, because the odds we’re never going to be in their favor, no matter how much they deserved it. 

“As defined by law, your husband isn’t mentally stable enough to make this decision. So you have to make it for him.” Dr. Richardson explained, “And I’m sorry that you have to make this decision so abruptly, but as you can see…your husband is already tied up and anesthetized... We’re lucky I noticed this when I did.” Dr. Richardson sighed.

Jensen stayed silent, watching his comatose husband breathe in the distance. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all. This wasn't his decision to make, yet here he was...

“So Jensen.” Dr. Richardson breathed, “What’s it gunna be?”


	19. Give and Take

Jensen continued to stare at the glass, watching his husband breathe steadily. He watched as one of the nurses brushed Jared’s hair out of his face, and it made Jensen cry harder because he wanted to be the one doing that for his husband.

“I’m going to wait.” Jensen cried, “I’m going to wait until the anesthesia wears off, and then I’m going to ask Jared.” Jensen breathed, “I’m going to ask my husband what he wants to do, because I cant…I _wont_ make this decision without him.”

“But he’s already been anesthetized.” Dr. Richardson sighed, “If we wait we’ll have to do it again, and that’s double the cost.”

“I don’t care.” Jensen whispered. “I don’t. Fucking. Care.”

Dr. Richardson walked to Jensen’s side and looked into the room with him before bringing his hand around to pat Jensen’s back. “I won’t make a note of it.” Dr. Richardson said, “If we have to run the anesthesia again, so be it. There won’t be another dime on your statement. You and your husband have been through enough.”

Jensen looked over at Dr. Richardson, tears streaming down his face, “Thank you.” He whimpered, before turning back toward the glass and resting his forehead against it. “Thank you.” 

“Don’t mention it.” Dr. Richardson said before leaving his side and going back into the examination room. He motioned to the nurses and said something Jensen couldn’t care to decipher before they all left the room. “Wait an hour, and then you can go in to talk to him. I’ll come back in two hours, so you guys have enough time to think it over.” 

An hour was nowhere near enough time to make this big of a decision, but Jensen knew that Dr. Richardson was already doing the best he could. 

“Can you untie him? Please.” Jensen continued to whimper. 

Dr. Richardson nodded and directed one of the nurses back into the room, where she proceeded to loosen all of Jared’s restraints. 

“Thank you.” Jensen smiled weakly at her once she returned to the hallway. 

“Feel free to wait out the anesthesia in there.” Dr. Richardson tilted his head toward the examination room. 

Jensen nodded and Dr. Richardson disappeared down the hall. The nurses behind him dispersed in the opposite direction. 

“Lord give me strength.” Jensen whimpered as he made his way into the examination room. He didn’t know who he was praying to, or why. He had stopped believing in God –in any God- years ago. 

****** 

“Jared. Sweetheart.” Jensen tried to keep his composure, tried to hold back his tears as he looked down at his tired husband.

“Hey Jen.” Jared smiled weakly, and Jensen breathed a sigh of relief. Those were the first words Jared had spoken to him in three days. “Am I done?” He asked. 

“Not quite yet.” Jensen sighed, caressing Jared’s cheek. 

Jared searched his husband’s eyes, and immediately realized something was wrong. “Jen…Jen what is it? What’s wrong?” Jared said worriedly.

“Nothing.” Jensen lied instinctively, but quickly shook his head. He didn’t have enough time to beat around the bush. “Well…”

“Well what?” Jared struggled to sit up on the table. “Did something happen during the treatment?” Jared started to feel his face, letting his hands stop when they landed upon Jensen’s, which were still caressing his cheek. 

“Jay.” Jensen breathed, “You haven’t even had your treatment yet.”

“Wh—What?” Jared stuttered, “Why not?” 

Jensen looked at Jared through gloom filled eyes. He leaned in and placed a kiss on Jared’s lips.

“Jensen you’re scaring me.” Jared wavered once Jensen broke away from the kiss, “What’s wrong?”

That’s when Jensen’s bottom lip began to tremble, though he continued to fight through the sorrow that was beginning to consume him. He didn’t know how much longer he could be strong…strong enough to keep all of their emotions at bay…strong enough to fight for both of their survival…He felt like he was barely keeping his head above water, and it didn’t help that he had Jared clinging to him for dear life. 

“Jay.” Jensen gulped, “I need you to promise me something. Right now.” 

“What? What is it?” Jared was becoming frantic. 

“What I’m about to tell you…I need you to promise you’ll put yourself first.” Jensen sniffled, “I need you to promise you’ll do whatever you feel is best for _you_.” 

“That’s impossible.” Jared shook his head, “How…how could you ever ask me to put my feelings first? You know I can’t do that. Jen, _you_ don’t even do that! That’s not what marriage is about.”

Jensen shook his head, “I just…I just need you to promise me…promise me Jay.” Jensen breathed, “Promise me you won’t do anything just based on what I want…or what you think I want.” 

“What is this about?” Jared shook. “Jen, what’s going on?” 

Jensen took a deep breath, “Jared…Jared, sweetheart…You’re pregnant.” 

Jared pushed Jensen’s hands away from his face. “No?” Jared murmured. It came out like a question, like he too couldn’t believe what Jensen now knew to be fact. “No. No I’m not. That’s impossible.” Jared stated. His lips quivered, and his eyes began to water.

“I know.” Jensen exhaled, “Dr. Richardson said it’s a miracle.” 

Jared shook his head, “I’m dreaming.” He whimpered. “I _must_ be dreaming.” He began slapping himself across the face, palms relentlessly connecting with skin, and leaving red splotches of color behind. “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up goddammit!” 

Jensen reached out and grabbed his husband’s hands. “Jay please! You’re not dreaming.” Jensen held on to Jared and pulled him to his chest. “I’m real Jay. This is real.” 

“No.” Jared screamed. “NO! NO! NO!” He buried his face in his husband’s chest. “Jen please tell me this is a joke. Tell me this is just some kind of sick joke, and I’ll never ignore you again. I swear I’ll never ignore you again.” 

Then Jensen broke down, burring his own face in his husband’s long locks. “I’m so sorry baby. I never would have…I shouldn’t have…I should have waited.”

“This isn’t fair.” Jared grabbed onto the material of Jensen’s cotton shirt. “This isn’t fucking fair. Why? Why now?”

“I’m—I’m sorry.” Jensen cried, “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.” 

“Stop it Jen. It’s not your fault.” Jared cried, “Do you see this? How toxic I have been to you? To Lilly? Please don’t blame yourself for what truly is _my fault_.”

“Jay—“ 

“No Jensen.” Jared wept, “I’m the one who insisted…this is my fault. You wanted to wait…but I couldn’t. And now look.” He breathed. “And what if this is it? What if this is our miracle? What if this is the son we’ve been waiting for?” Jared cried, “We can’t just…we can’t just…”

Jensen ran his hands through Jared’s hair, “Are you forgetting the little miracle that’s waiting for us in New York?”

“But now we have another one.” Jared placed a hand over his stomach.

“Jay, if we keep this baby you’ll have to stop your treatments…and there’s no guarantee—“ 

“But we deserve this.” Jared bellowed, “ _You_ deserve this baby, Jen. After everything that’s happened…you deserve the son you’ve always wanted.” 

Jensen continued to cry, now upset over the fact that his husband still refused to put himself first. “All I want is for you to be happy, Jay. All I want is peace. For you, for Lilly, for Landon, and Lucas, and Eli…for all of us.” Jensen’s breath hitched in his throat, “You deserve peace Jay…at the very, _very_ least. You deserve peace. It’s from your peace that you’ll find happiness.” 

“Peace and death…aren’t they synonymous?” Jared wept. He moved away from Jensen so that he could look him in the eyes. “I want peace Jen…but I don’t want death. Not anymore.”

“What do you want Jay?” Jensen beseeched, “Tell me, just this once, what is it that _you_ want?” 

“I want to let go. I want to feel better.” Jared sobbed, “I don’t want to lose anyone else. But Jen, I don’t want to have this baby. Because if something happens… if something goes wrong… I’ll kill myself. I swear to God I will. I know I will….and I don’t want to. But I’ll _have_ to.” 

Jensen held Jared tighter. He was at a loss for words. All he could do was sit there and hold Jared tight as they both cried in each other’s arms. 

“I can’t.” Jared wept, “I can’t do this again. I have to let go.” Jared choked, “It’s this baby, or me, Jen. Because if we can’t let go of this dream…then you’re going to have to let go of me.” 

Jensen felt his heart collapse in his chest, “I need you Jared. I need you more than anything else…more than anyone else.” Jensen cried, “You’re here, and you’re all I’ll ever need. Nothing is worth losing you Jay. Nothing.” 

“So let’s continue the treatments…let’s go back to the life we used to have.” Jared whimpered.

“Are you sure?” Jensen asked, running his hands through Jared’s hair. 

“I’m sure.” Jared wept. “I can’t go through this again. I know we wanted another baby but—“

“It’s okay Jay.” Jensen hushed, “All I want is you.” 

When Dr. Richardson walked back into the room, Jensen looked up at him and nodded. They were going to continue the treatments.

They weren’t going to have any more babies.


	20. Baby Steps

******Two Months Later********

 

“You’re over halfway done with your treatments Jay.” Jensen breathed as he rolled over in bed to face his husband. “How do you feel?” 

“Like a million bucks…” Jared yawned, “After taxes.” 

Jensen playfully punched Jared’s arm and he earned an animated glare in response. It had been a rough couple of months full of visits to clinics, doctors, and psychiatrists, but Jared had finally completed his sixth treatment. He only had four more to go, but Jensen was already feeling optimistic because everyone had told him that the sixth treatment was usually the one that did the trick, the one that would bring back a glimmer of the man Jensen had married. 

“I’m serious Jay. How do you feel?” Jensen repeated. 

Jared threw his arm over his eyes and hid his face in his elbow, “Jen, you’re not my psychiatrist.” He huffed. 

“But I _am_ your husband.” Jensen stated, “I think I deserve to know how you’re feeling every once in a while.” 

“But you asked me fifteen minutes ago, and then again ten minutes ago, and then _again_ five minutes ago…” Jared brought his arm down and looked at Jensen, “Are you sensing a pattern here? Because I, for one…am.” 

Jensen grumbled, “Sorry.” 

“It’s alright.” Jared gave him a closed mouth smile, “Just, don’t ask me again, at least not for a little while, okay? Because the answer is always going to be the same.” Jared breathed, “I’m fine Jen.” 

“But what does that _mean_.” Jensen yearned. 

“It means I’m fine.” Jared shrugged. “I’m doing a lot better than I was a month ago, if you’d rather I say that.” 

Jensen looked at his husband and brought a hand to his cheek, “I guess that helps.” 

Jared leaned into Jensen’s touch and let out a little puff of air, letting his eyes flutter closed, “When this is all over,” Jared breathed, “And I’m done with my treatments,” He opened his eyes and looked at Jensen, “I want to move back to New York.” 

“Wh—what?” Jensen exhaled.

“You moved here for me, Jen, even though you loved New York…you just packed up and left because I needed it. You didn’t even think twice about it. You just did it. You did it for me.” Jared placed his hand over his husband’s, keeping Jensen’s warm hand against his cheek. 

“Jay.” Jensen took a breath. He remembered packing up their lives, almost three years ago, so that they could start afresh in San Antonio. He remembered leaving behind friends, and his siblings who had moved there. He remembered leaving his old firm and having to acclimate himself to his new one in San Antonio, where the pay was less and the hours were longer, but he was completely okay with it because he was doing it for Jared. 

Jensen used his thumb to massage the area of skin beneath Jared’s left eye. He felt the raised bump of skin where Jared’s mole was and then moved his thumb down to Jared’s lips, where he traced over their smooth surface before leaning in and kissing him. 

“Jay I might have liked New York…but…you don’t need to move back there for me. I remember how you felt over there.” Jensen breathed. 

Jared playfully bit Jensen’s finger, which still lingered on his lips. “Did you forget that I used to thrive in the fast paced life of the city?” Jared smiled, “Did you forget who I was when I met you?” 

Jensen teasingly rolled his eyes. It was a stark comparison to the Jared he knew today. “No, I didn’t forget…Mr. Big Shot-Wall Street-Investment Banker.” Jensen paused, “But that’s not who you are now…” 

“You’re right. I changed.” Jared nodded, “I met you, the handsome, young, aspiring law school student who just happened to frequent the same Starbucks as I did. The same aspiring law school student who _accidently_ spilled his latte on me and then insisted on taking me to dinner as an apology…” 

Jensen gave him a cheeky grin, “It really _was_ an accident.” 

It wasn’t. 

“Mhhmmm…Sure it was.” Jared laughed, “Well whatever it was, I’m glad it happened.” 

Jensen squeezed Jared's hand. 

“Because without you…by now…I would be dead.” Jared breathed, “You saved me Jen…You saved me.” 

Jared gave Jensen another closed mouthed smile, inhaling deeply before intently staring into his husband's eyes. It was then that Jensen got that glimpse. It was then that Jensen saw the man he had met sixteen years beforehand, at Starbucks that fateful Tuesday morning. 

That look made Jensen felt like he was twenty again, made him feel like the man he was staring at was the same twenty year old business student who thought he was already on top of the world, rather than the thirty six year old man in front of him who had already reached rock bottom. 

“You’re more than my husband. You’re more than my lover. And you’re more than my friend.” Jared breathed, “Jen, you’re my guardian angel.” 

The room fell silent, and it stayed that way for what felt like the better part of ten minutes. And they just lay there, staring into each other’s eyes, basking in the shared realization that for the first time in a long time, they both felt the old sense of fondness that used to frame their relationship. 

So when Jensen started crying, though he kept smiling through his tears, it was Jared who brought his lips to Jensen’s. “It took me a while to see that again…but I see it Jen. I see it now.” Jared smiled. “I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to move back...to start my life again… _our_ lives. I’m ready to put Lilly back in that cute little uniform.” 

Jensen smiled at his husband, “Baby steps, Jay. Baby steps.” As much as he wanted to believe what Jared was telling him, Jensen had to remember that they were just words, and there was no guarantee that Jared would be able to put those words into action.

“Have you seen me?” Jared raised an eyebrow at his husband, “I think I’m pretty damn incapable of taking baby steps.” 

Jensen giggled, “And next week on, _I married a Sasquatch_ ,” 

Jared let out a monstrous laugh, “Shut up.” He cracked. 

And Jensen just stared at him, silent and unmoving.

“What?” Jared breathed once he had finally stopped laughing. “Jen, why are you crying?” 

Jensen brought a hand up to his face only to find out that yes, he was indeed crying for the second time in the last five minutes. “I—You…” He shook his head, “Jay, you haven’t laughed like that since…since I don’t know how long.” 

“Well, it’s the first thing I’ve found funny in a very, _very_ long time.” Jared admitted. “And let me tell ya’, it sure beats crying.” 

“I think so too.” Jensen nodded. 

Jared sat up and brushed his hair out of his face. “How long do you think this will last?” He looked down at Jensen, who promptly sat up as well. 

“How long do I think  _what_ will last?” He queried. 

“Me…like this…” Jared continued to fix his hair, pulling it back into a bun. 

“Like what?” Jensen asked. He was unsure of exactly what his husband meant. 

“I don’t know. Just, for the first in a long time, I don’t feel like I’m drowning. You know?” Jared turned toward Jensen and sat crisscross underneath the covers. “I wouldn’t even call it ‘drowning’ per say…but there’s this feeling…in my heart…” He paused, “It feels less heavy...it feels lighter.” 

“In a physical sense, or an emotional sense.” Jensen asked. 

Jared shrugged, “Both, I guess.” He sighed, “I feel like I’ve shed a layer of skin…” 

“Ummm…Jay.” Jensen reached over and held his husband’s hand, “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah.” Jared breathed, “I’m just having a hard time putting my feelings into words.” 

“I can see that,” Jensen noted. 

“I just—I just feel like I’m a lot more vulnerable.” Jared explained. 

“Vulnerable?” Jensen repeated. 

“Yeah…like after we came back from Dr. Richardson’s office today, after the treatment, and then after taking that nap. I felt different.” Jensen breathed. “Well for one thing…I felt hungry.” Jared paused, “And when we woke up just now…it was the first time I actually felt _awake_ after falling asleep.”

“Well Dr. Richardson did say your appetite and energy levels would be the first things to normalize.” Jensen noted. “But the question is…do you feel like going into the kitchen and making something to eat?” 

Jensen was getting better at asking the right questions. After months of learning, and asking questions, and a bit of searching on Google, he thought he had figured out the best way to track Jared’s progress. 

Jared shrugged, “Not really.” he sighed, “Like…I’m hungry but going downstairs and making myself something to eat just isn’t going to happen…I’d sooner climb Mount Everest.” 

“So you’re hungry, but—“ 

“But I don’t feel like doing anything about it.” Jared shrugged. 

“Oh, okay. Well in that case, I’ll go make you something.” Jensen began to get out of bed, put Jared pulled on his arm, stopping him from making it all the way out of the covers. 

“No. Don’t do that.” Jared warned. 

“You’re hungry for the first time in fucking _months_.” Jensen huffed, “I’m not going to let you starve.”

“That’s not what I want though.” Jared stated. He was getting a lot better at that too, telling Jensen what he wanted, how he felt. 

“What do you want?” 

“I want to do it myself.” 

“But you just said—“ 

Jared breathed, “When I get hungry enough…when I can’t take it anymore… _then_ I’ll go.”

Jensen rubbed his face with his free hand. Clearly, he still had a lot to learn. They both did.

“Oh—okay.” Jensen nodded.

“Thank you.” Jared said weakly, as he let go of Jensen’s arm. “I just…I want you start living for _yourself_ , okay Jen.” Jared breathed, “These treatments, they’re helping me…so you don’t have to worry about me all the time. You don’t have to worry at all.” 

He gave Jensen a frail smile, and Jensen stared at him. He was completely in awe of how a man so large could suddenly seem so small. 

“Okay.” Jensen breathed as he settled back beneath the covers. 

“Like I said…this vulnerability I’m feeling… I don’t need you adding to it Jen.” Jared sighed. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean these treatments…they’re helping me peek through the cloud of darkness that used to hang over my head. But that darkness…that was the only place I felt safe. In my memories. In my thoughts…away from the light…away from you.” Jared sighed. “It’s just hard for me to accept that light and come out of the shadows, you know?” 

“Not really.” Jensen admitted.

Jared let out a long, drawn out sigh. “I’ve been in the dark for so long…it’s going to take me some time to adjust to the light… I don’t know how else to say it. And I guess you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never felt this way…” he trailed off. 

“Help me understand Jay.” Jensen beseeched.

“I don’t think I can.” He paused before letting out a solemn laugh, “Where’s Lilly when you need her?” Jared looked at his hands before continuing. 

“Jen, the point is…I still feel guilty. I’m still hurt. I’m still broken.” He looked up at Jensen, “But now I know that I can be fixed. I know that I’ll be okay if I let that light in…if I let _you_ in.” He smiled, “So I’m gunna keep trying to do that.” 

He fell back onto his pillow and patted the space next to him, where Jensen lay down next to him before falling asleep. 

Two hours later, Jensen felt a rustling and opened his eyes. There, sitting up next to him in bed, was Jared. He had a sandwich in his hand and a smile on his face. 

But rather than say anything, Jensen just closed his eyes again and smiled to himself, because Jared had taken his very first, baby step.


	21. Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things were different then...THEY were different then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback chapter. There hasn't been one since the beginning of the story, and I thought this would be a great place for one. Its just a little back story, basically...it's just a flashback of Jared and Jensen's first, incredibly unconventional, date.

*******Sixteen years ago*******

 

“To be perfectly honest. I thought this would happen a lot sooner than it did.” Jared laughed as he took a sip of his beer. Despite being a solid seven months underage, he had still managed to buy a drink for himself and Jensen. The waitress hadn’t even bothered to card him. It probably helped that he was six foot four, and very easy on the eyes. 

“The coffee spilling, or the date?” Jensen smiled. 

They were sitting at a booth in the back of Mozza, the little Italian restaurant where Jensen had asked Jared to meet him earlier that day. He had offered to take Jared to dinner, claiming it was the least he could do after ruining one of Jared’s favorite suits. 

“Oh so this is a date?” Jared raised an eyebrow. 

Jensen could feel the heat rush toward his cheeks, and he took a sip of his beer, avoiding all eye contact with Jared. Earlier that day he had not-so-accidentally spilled his coffee on the beautiful man who now happened to be sitting across from him. After spending the last two months gawking at him from a distance, Jensen had finally decided that today would be the day he was going to approach the taller gentleman. But at Starbucks that morning, Jensen couldn’t seem to initiate the conversation he had played out in his head a million times before, so he just kind of…wordlessly spilled his coffee on Jared, and hoped it would lead to a conversation. 

Jared let out a small chuckle, “Relax Jensen, this is totally a date.” 

Jensen turned his attention back to the longhaired man in front of him and smiled. It hadn’t occurred to him that they never introduced themselves earlier. At the current moment, Jensen thought he was just “That Guy from Starbucks.” And though he had already known Jared’s name –thank God for Starbucks cups- he never would have imagined the taller man would have noticed him before, let alone use the same technique to find out who he was. 

Jared noticed the look Jensen was giving him, and smiled sheepishly. “Oh uh…is it weird that I already knew your name like…two months ago?” Jared smiled.

“No.” Jensen took a sip of his beer, smirking into the head of the bottle. He felt his stomach churn with nervous delight. “I already knew yours too.”

There was a moment of silence before they both smiled and in unison, said, “Coffee cups?” before erupting into a fit of giggles. 

“Like I said.” Jared laughed, “I thought this would happen a lot sooner than it did.” 

“Better late than never.” Jensen noted, as the waitress came back around with their meals. Jared was having a monster of a salad, and Jensen had ordered his favorite steak. 

“So, where do you go?” Jared asked as they ate. 

“Columbia.” Jensen replied. 

Jared practically choked on his salad. “Me—Me too. Get out! What are you studying? It can’t be finance. I haven’t seen you in any of my classes.” 

Regardless, that wouldn’t have made much of a difference. Jared never really _saw_ anyone. He was a straight-edged kid who never really had time for anything other than counting -and making- money. He just wanted to be the next big tycoon to make it on Wall Street. So instead of going to sleep at night, he traded stocks until daybreak. When he got Starbucks in the morning it was usually in order to continue the buzz he got from the Adderall he took to stay up every night. But he still figured that was better than snorting coke all day like the rest of the finance majors did. 

“Philosophy.” Jensen replied, “I’m hoping to go to law school.” 

“Wow. Impressive.” Jared said, wide eyed. 

“You’re the one wearing suits every day.” Jensen noted. 

Jared laughed, saying “Touché” in response, before taking another sip of his beer. 

They drank, and talked, and laughed for the remainder of their dinner, and when the waitress came back around asking if they wanted desert, Jensen and Jared both said “Yes” and “No” –respectively- at the same time. 

“Wanna split something?” Jared asked. 

“Are you sure?” Jensen queried. It seemed like Jared was a pretty healthy guy, and Jensen didn’t want to make him feel like he had to eat like a ten year old at a birthday party just because he did.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “Pick your favorite dish and I’ll split it with you.”

“Well, I’m a sucker for something sweet.” Jensen noted, smiling at Jared before turning to the waitress and saying, “Can we have a molten chocolate cake with extra vanilla ice cream, please.”

“Of course.” The waitress smiled before making her way back into the kitchen.

“Did I forget to mention I’m 5?” Jensen grinned. 

“Did I forget to mention you’re outrageously charming?” Jared retorted. 

Jensen didn’t know what to say, so he gave Jared a bashful smile in response. 

“So I noticed you like deserts.” Jared noted. “It just so happens I bake a mean chocolate moose cake.”

“You don’t!” Jensen gasped.

“I do!” Jared nodded, “I usually do a lot more cooking, as opposed to baking but—“ 

Jensen held up a hand. “You _cook?_ ” 

Jared nodded again.

“Oh my god.” Jensen breathed, “Where have you been all my life?” 

“Before New York?” Jared hummed, “Ummm…San Antonio.” 

“No way! I’m from Dallas!” Jensen exclaimed.

“Texas Men, born and bred.” Jared stated.

Jensen smiled, “Ain’t nothin’ better.” 

“Can’t argue with that.” Jared smiled. He lifted his beer bottle in the air for a toast, and Jensen did the same. 

The waitress came back with their desert, and to Jensen’s surprise, Jared actually ate half of the cake and ice cream. And when the check came around, Jensen paid for it swiftly, before Jared could insist on doing it himself. 

“Nuh-uh-uh.” Jensen said, swatting Jared’s hand away, “It’s my treat, remember?” 

Jared smiled when the waitress took the check, “What do you say I get the next one? I haven’t cooked for anyone other than myself in a while…” 

Jensen smiled because of the realization that there would in fact be a next time. “Okay.” He nodded, unable to contain his smile behind the lip of his beer bottle.

 

*******

After dinner, Jensen and Jared walked back to campus together. Their dorms were only a few minutes apart, but Jensen’s was the first one they happened upon. When they got inside the cartoon-themed building, Jensen led them through the maze of hallways before stopping at a door. 

“So, this is my stop.” Jensen said, nervously bouncing on his toes. “It was really nice to finally meet you, Jared.”

“You too.” Jared smiled.

They stood in front of Jensen’s door for a few seconds, just looking at each other, until Jensen said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you around then?” He turned on his heels, and grabbed onto the door handle, but Jared reached out and grabbed Jensen’s free hand before he could turn it. 

“Hey, Jensen. Wait.” Jared breathed. He took a few steps forward, stopping when there were only a few inches between them. “Thanks for dinner.” He offered.

Jensen could feel Jared’s warm, peppermint, breath touch his face. “I um—don’t mention it. It was my pleasure.” Jensen smiled.

They stood there for another moment in silence, both of them wanting to kiss the other, but neither of them wanting to make the first move. 

Jared was exceptionally modest, and could count the number of people he had kissed on one hand. Jensen, on the other hand, would need both sets of fingers and toes to count his conquests, but that had been before he first noticed Jared two months ago, during his daily Starbucks run- because he always considered coffee to be the best hangover cure, regardless of what anyone said. After that, Jared was the only person who crowded his thoughts on a daily basis. He was the only one Jensen wanted to -or would even bother to- kiss. 

“Ehhm.” Jensen cleared his throat and before backing away, “I don’t like to kiss on the first date.”

It was Jensen’s new rule... as of two seconds prior. He decided if he really thought he liked Jared, he was going to wait to do anything with him. And considering the fact that he had already waited two months to speak to the man, Jensen figured he could wait a little bit longer to kiss him, regardless of the fact that he had been dreaming of doing it for the past few weeks. He had decided that he really did like Jared, and he didn’t want to scare him by being too forward, or willing, from the get go. 

“That’s okay.” Jared smiled. He paused, waiting for the air between them to clear before giving Jensen a bit more space. “Thanks again. I had a great night.”

“Me too.” Jensen smiled. 

Jared proceeded to walk down the hallway, and Jensen watched as he rounded the corner. Once Jared was gone, Jensen placed his forehead on the door- cursing himself for being the most awkward human being alive. He just wanted to kiss Jared so badly… 

So in a split second decision, he decided breaking his rule was worth it for the longhaired man he had just gone to dinner with. 

Jensen was just about to open his door when, instead, he decided to run down the hallway. “Hey, Jared!” He called down the hall.

Jared had almost disappeared around another corner when he heard his name being called.

“Yeah?” Jared said, pausing in the middle of the hallway.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” 

Jensen took a breath, “Would you maybe want to…Would you want to go on another date with me?”

Jared smiled, “I’d love to. When?”

Jensen smirked playfully before running a hand through his hair. “Tonight.”

The smile on Jared’s face grew ten fold. “Jensen Ackles, is this your way of letting me know you want to kiss me?” 

“Nope.” Jensen smiled, “Well I mean…maybe…I mean.” He scratched the back of his neck, “I’ll wait for the kiss as long as I have to…” He smiled, “Dare I say I’d wait forever.” 

Jared playfully rolled his eyes at the other man, and Jensen sighed sincerely before admitting, “I’m just not ready to say goodnight yet.” 

Jared pretended to think about his answer. He paused for a moment, looking pensively down the hallway. “Me either.” He breathed, turning back to Jensen, who was still a ways down the hall from him. “Where do you want to go?” 

“Honestly?” Jensen shrugged, “My room.” 

Jared gulped. Had he forgotten to mention he was a virgin? Because that was one hundred percent fact...but something about Jensen just seemed so safe and inviting. 

“So you go from, not kissing on the first date…to just…full on banging by the second one?” Jared laughed nervously.

“Shut up.” Jensen laughed. He motioned for Jared to follow him, so he did, running to catch up with Jensen, and stopping once they had made their way back to his front door. 

“So, uh…is this officially our second date?” Jared proposed.

“Mhmm.” Jensen nodded. He bit his lip before pulling on Jared’s jacket. They were chest-to-chest, and breathing heavily; their mouths only inches apart. “You wanna come in?” Jensen breathed. 

He had told himself he wasn’t going to be that forward, but there was just something so promising about Jared. Nothing about him screamed _One Night Stand,_ but he couldn’t let the night end without kissing him…at the very least. Still, Jensen didn’t want it to be out in the hallway where any drunk son of a bitch could stumble by and ruin a potentially perfect moment.

“Yeah.” Jared breathed. Just because he had agreed to go in to Jensen’s bedroom, that didn’t necessarily mean they were going to have sex, right? “Hey, um…Jensen, I—“ Jared started to say. 

Jensen placed a hand over Jared’s mouth. “Shhhh.” He hushed as he pulled Jared into the room. Once they got inside, Jared was immediately being pushed against Jensen’s door.

“I _really_ like you Jensen.” Jared breathed. Jensen’s lips were only a few inches away from his. “But you should know…” Jared paused, “I’m–I’m a virgin.”

Jensen backed away for the second time that evening. “Oh.” He breathed. He would be lying if he said he wasn't shocked. Jared definitely didn't carry himself like virgin...and he definitely didn't look like one either. It made Jared seem a lot less intimidating. But regardless, it didn't really matter to Jensen, it might have even made him like Jared even more. Clearly there was more to him than met the eye. It was still pitch black in the room, so Jared couldn’t see the smile that was growing on Jensen’s face. “That’s alright. We don’t have to—.“ 

Jensen didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before Jared’s lips were on his. It wasn’t rough, or rushed, but rather slow and sweet, the way that their lips gently pressed against each other. Jensen cupped Jared’s cheeks with his hands, and their lips moved together in sync. The kiss was pure, with barely any tongue involved. It was fantastic. In fact, it was the most perfect kiss either of them had ever had in their entire lives- better than either of them had imagined it would be- and neither of them wanted to break away. 

But when Jensen finally did, he left Jared chasing after his lips. “Jared.” He breathed, resting his forehead against Jared’s. “You’re cute, and funny, and _perfect_ for me. But we’re not going to be a thing.”

“Wh—why?” Jared exhaled. This had been the best night of his life, and he had just had the best kiss of his life with the guy of his dreams. 

Jensen took a breath, “Because tonight, at dinner, I looked at you…and I could see the future in your eyes. In your smile…” Jensen paused, “I could see kids, and a big house, and vacations in the Hamptons…” 

“And what’s wrong with that?” Jared asked. 

“Everything.” Jensen sighed. “I just met you…and it’s scary because I already want to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

They stayed silent, surrounded by darkness, as they held each other. Neither of them said a word for the better part of two minutes. They just stood there in the dark, enjoying each other’s presence, until Jared placed his lips back on Jensen’s.

This time the kiss was hungry, needy, and forceful. Jensen ran his hands through Jared’s hair, pulling on it, and Jared winced -though he loved the feeling, so Jensen pulled his hair back further, and proceeded to trail his lips down Jared’s throat, before sucking roughly on the side of his neck.

Jared didn’t know what came over him when he let out a guttural moan, causing Jensen to retract his mouth. 

“What?” Jared huffed. 

“That was hot.” Jensen breathed.

“Shut up.” Jared laughed. He gave Jensen a playful nudge, but it was stronger than either of them had expected, causing Jensen to trip backwards over a pair of boots and fall to the floor, bringing Jared along with him. 

The two of them immediately erupted into a series of giggles. 

“Shhh.” Jensen hushed, “My roommate’s asleep.”

Suddenly the lights were on. “No, your roommate is _not_ asleep.” Misha corrected as he sat up in bed. Misha rubbed his hand over his eyes, letting them adjust to the dimly lit room. He let out a sigh of realization when he saw his best friend on the floor –with an unidentified man- beneath his bed. 

“Jen do you need me to leave?” Misha asked, running his hands through his jet black -and notoriously disheveled- hair. 

“Nope!” Jensen laughed. 

“Solid.” Misha said drowsily before looking down on the ground, “I’m Misha by the way.”

Jared picked his head off of the carpet, “I’m Jared.” He gave a little wave before letting his head rest on the plush floor. 

Misha laughed, “Nice to meet you Jared.” 

Jensen sighed happily, “Hey Meesh, I think we’re just gunna lay here for a while, if that’s alright with you?” 

“S’cool.” Misha gave him an okay signal, letting his head crash back onto his pillow before he reached over to turn off the light. 

“Hey Jensen.” Jared breathed once the lights were off.

“Yeah?” 

“I’m not ready to say goodnight.” 

“Me either.” Jensen sighed. He looked over at the alarm clock by his bed. It was only ten thirty. 

“Wanna play pool?” Jared proposed. 

“Pool?” Jensen hummed, “I’ve never really played before.”

There was a rustling next to him as Jared got up, dragging Jensen along with him “It’ll be fun.” 

In a matter of seconds, Jensen was being led out of his room and into the chilly November evening.

 

******** 

The walk to Lou’s Pool Hall wasn’t that far, and when they got inside, two –very pretty- girls behind the bar greeted Jared. They each give him a wink- and Jensen swore one of them gave Jared a thumbs up- as they headed toward the pool tables.

“I take it you come here often?” Jensen pointed his thumb toward the two girls.

Jared grabbed two pool cues and handed one to Jensen. “Genevieve and Danneel.” He said as he grabbed a cube of chalk. “I took freshman psych with Genevieve. She’s super cool…” He noted, “She’s responsible for a lot of firsts in my life.” 

Jensen raised an eyebrow. 

“Trust me, it’s not what you think.” Jared laughed. “But that’s a conversation for another night.”

Jensen nodded.

“And Danneel,” Jared continued, “We’ll, she’s Gen’s girlfriend.”

Jensen breathed a sigh of relief; at least now it seemed likely that those _firsts_ Jared had mentioned must not have been sexual in nature. 

“Hey Gen, can we get a couple of beers?” Jared called out to her.

“Sure thing.” She nodded. 

It turned out that Jensen was pretty good at pool, despite the fact that he –apparently- hadn’t played it much before that night. They played game after game, quickly losing track of time as they consumed an endless amount of beers. When it came to playing pool, Jared was unstoppable. Jensen couldn’t take his eyes off of Jared as he lined the cue up perfectly every time, though his strength and precision waned after each round of beers.

“I think I’m going to have to cap you soon Padalecki.” Danneel said as she handed Jared and Jensen their next round of beers.

“Yeah, what is this?” Genevieve added, “You’ve both gotta be at least fifteen deep.” She turned to Jensen, “I don’t know how you keep up with this one.” She laughed. 

Jensen shook his head and slurred, “Years of practice.”

They all laughed until a hoard of new customers spilled into the lounge,  and Genevieve returned to the bar with Danneel’s arm wrapped snugly around her waist. 

“Cute huh?” Jared nodded towards them as they walked away. 

“Yeah.” Jensen sighed, twirling the cue between his fingers.

They were in the middle of playing their next game when Jared got a call.

“What?” Jared said frantically. “Why are you guys in New York?” There was a pause, and Jared ran his hand through his hair as he listened. “What? Right now?” 

Jensen raised his eyebrows, giving him a questioning look. Jared just held up his pointer finger in response, completely preoccupied by the call. 

“Where?” Jared breathed, “No…No—I’m not drunk.” He paused, “Okay, yeah maybe I’m a little drunk.” He stopped again, listening for a moment before nodding to himself and saying, “Okay. I’ll be right there.”

As soon as he hung up the phone, Jared looked over at Jensen, “We have to go to the hospital.” He panted. 

“What?” Jensen squinted, confused by Jared’s sudden change of pace. 

“We have to go to the hospital.” Jared repeated, dropping his cue on the table. “My older brother Jeff, his wife’s been in labor…apparently my parents have been trying to reach me.”

“Oh.” Jensen said, not sure how to respond. He was drunk and knew he had no business going to the hospital with Jared, but the way Jared kept saying “we” instead of “I” made him think otherwise.

“Yeah. It’s only a few blocks away. Wanna come with me?” Jared proposed, as if he hadn’t already made it clear Jensen was coming along for the ride.

“Are you sure I should?” Jensen asked.

Jared nodded desperately. “I don’t like hospitals.”

“Okay.” Jensen smiled, and they both ran –well, stumbled- out of the pool hall. 

 

********

Turns out a “few blocks” were actually twenty four, if you counted the eleven they spent going in the wrong direction due to their drunken stupor. But when they got to the hospital and made their way up to the delivery floor, they were promptly greeted by Jared’s parents, who were in pacing back and fourth in the waiting room. 

Jared was immediately hounded with a series of questions. 

“Jared sweetheart, are you drunk?” 

“Jared who is this handsome fellow? Is he in your econ class?”

“Oh wait, Jared… is this the _Starbucks_ boy?”

“My God Jared, what are they feeding you? You’re growing like a tree!” 

Jared replied with a series of one-word answers -“Yes. No. Yes. Salad.”- Before grabbing onto Jensen’s hand and introducing him to his parents. 

“Mom, Dad, this is Jensen.” Jared smiled. “He’s my uh…” Jared looked over at Jensen, unsure of what to say. 

Jensen opened his mouth and said, “I’m Jared’s, uhhh…” before realizing; he too, had no idea what he was to Jared. An admirer? A prospect? A Date? 

“Are you Jared’s _boyfriend_?” Sherri smiled. 

Jensen and Jared both exchanged a glance, unsure –at first- of what to say, but then Jared just smirked, turned to his mom and said, “Not yet…but I’m sure he will be soon.” 

Jensen was sure he must have been red by that point. He had only known Jared- well, _really_ known Jared- for a little over six hours, but he had imagined calling Jared his boyfriend for the past two months. And he was happy Jared seemed to want the same thing. 

“Well then,” Sherri nodded, “Nice to meet you Jensen. I’m Sherri.”

Jensen stretched out his right hand and gave Sherri a firm handshake before turning to Jared’s father, Gerald, and offering him the same gesture.

Jensen wasn’t particularly surprised by his ability to keep his composure while introducing himself to the Padalecki’s. He had been getting drunk since the ninth grade, courtesy of his parent’s overstocked, and under-guarded, liquor cabinet. 

“Nice to meet you Mr. Padalecki.” Jensen said, giving the older man a nod as he shook.

After the introductions had been made, Jared breathlessly collapsed into one of the waiting room chairs and patted the seat next to him, where Jensen promptly took a seat. 

“So what have we managed to interrupt here?” Sherri asked once they had taken a seat. 

Jared looked at Jensen sheepishly before turning to his mother, “Jensen and I were on a date.” He stated. “I was actually in the middle of kicking his ass at a game of pool.” Jared laughed. 

“Hey.” Jensen nudged him slightly. “I was holding my own.”

Jared smiled at Jensen, “That you were. But, maybe next time I could teach you a few techniques.” 

Sherri cleared her throat.

“In pool, of course.” Jared corrected, and turned towards his mom, “C’mon mom.” 

This time it was Gerald who cleared his throat, “We’re gunna go check on your brother.” Gerald said. 

Jared nodded, and as he watched them walk away, Jensen decided that he was currently experiencing the strangest night of his life, by far. 

“I’m sorry I dragged you here.” Jared breathed. 

“No. Don’t be.” Jensen assured him, “It’s alright. Your parents are cool.”

“Thanks,” Jared gave Jensen a closed mouth smile, “Hey…I’m sure this isn’t like any of the other dates you’ve been on…and if I haven’t lived up to whoever you expected me to be…” Jared continued.

“Jay.” Jensen held on to Jared’s hand and looked him in the eyes, “Relax. I like you. Trust me when I say that nothing’s going to change that. I don’t care where we are as long as I’m with you.” 

Jared sighed, “It’s just that hospitals kind of freak me out…and so do babies…which is weird because I want to have them in the future, and—“ he paused. “I’m rambling. I’m sorry. I do that when I’m drunk.” 

Jensen smiled at him, “That’s alright. I think it’s cute.” 

“Well I think _you’re_ cute, Jenny.” Jared swooned.

Jensen smiled, he loved the way that sounded. No one had ever called him that before. “You’re not too bad yourself, Jay.” Jensen giggled. 

“I’m sorry for introducing you to my parent’s like that.” Jared breathed, resting his head on Jensen’s shoulder. “I just didn’t know what to say.” 

“That’s alright.” Jensen exhaled, “I _want_ to be your boyfriend.” It wasn't just the liquor talking. Jensen had thought that since he first laid eyes on Jared.

“And I want to be _your_ boyfriend too.” Jared sighed. “Not yet though.” He lifted his head off of Jensen’s shoulder and turned to him, “I think we should take it slow. I owe it to you after a night like this.”

“Take it slow? Wouldn’t that be backtracking at this point?” Jensen laughed, “I’m sitting with you in a hospital waiting room right now…and I just met your parents… I think that ship has sailed, my friend. It's full speed ahead at this point.” 

Jared just smiled before returning his head to rest on Jensen’s shoulder. “Okay, that’s fair.” Jared hummed. “But if you have any objections or doubts now, you should let me go before you’re in too deep. Because once you taste my cooking…it’s all over for you Jenny. You’ll be hooked.” 

“Too late.” Jensen breathed. 

They sat there, on the edge of sleep, until an hour later, when Jared’s mom ran into the waiting room, waiving a Polaroid in the air. 

“It happened! I’m a grandmother!” Sherri danced as she ran up to Jared and Jensen, who were wrapped up in each other's arms. “Jared, look!” She smiled, handing him the Polaroid once he opened his eyes. “It's a boy! You have a nephew! His name is William!” She said excitedly, before running back down the hall to the delivery room. 

Jensen watched Jared as he looked down at the photo. There was an immediate twinkle shining in the taller boy’s eyes. For a guy who claimed he didn’t like babies, Jared sure looked like he had fallen in love with the one in the photograph.

“He’s beautiful.” Jared breathed, “Jenny look.” He handed the photo to Jensen before leaning his head back on Jensen’s shoulder. As Jensen looked at the photo, he noted that Jared had been right; William really was a beautiful baby, with rosy cheeks, and thin brown hair, and little pink appendages that were grabbing at his mother's face.

Jared didn’t know if it was the alcohol talking, or the fact that he was completely –and quite prematurely- comfortable with the man sitting next to him. But regardless, he opened his mouth to speak. 

“Jenny,” Jared yawned, nestling his head into Jensen’s shoulder. “I want one.”

Based on the look Jared had given the photo his nephew earlier, Jensen didn’t need to ask him what he was referring to.

And though it had been the strangest date of Jensen’s life, he hoped, more than anything, that there would be many more nights like this one. 

“Someday, Jay.” Jensen yawned, handing the photo back to Jared, “Someday."

"You promise?" Jared yawned.

"I promise.” Jensen assured him.

It was the first of many broken promises they would make to each other, but neither of them had known that yet. So they both sighed contently before falling fast asleep, with Jared clutching the photo of William as he rested his head on Jensen’s shoulder.


	22. Burnt Cookies

*****Present Day*****

 

"My hair is just like yours Daddy! See!" Lilly giggled, showing off the bun on the top of her head. She held the camera at an obscure angle as she tried to show her fathers the ball of blonde hair currently resting at the top of her head. 

"You look beautiful Lillypad." Jensen said, from over Jared's shoulder.

"Just like Daddy." She added. 

Jensen smiled, giving Jared a kiss on his temple. "Yeah," Jensen breathed, "Just like Daddy." 

Jensen had only woken up from his nap thirty minutes ago, and it was to the sound of his little girl’s voice. 

After Jared had made himself a sandwich, he didn't want to go back to sleep, so instead he Face Timed their daughter. Well, he Face Timed Misha, and he hadn't been able to say more than three words to the man before Lilly was grabbing for the phone.  

"Guess what West and I did today?" Lilly grinned.  

"Oh god." Jared smiled hesitantly, "what did you do?" 

Lilly got up from her seat and shuffled around. She kept the camera pointed at her face as she moved, though her focus was no longer being directed towards the phone. The grin on her face got wider as she walked towards whatever it was that she was about to show her fathers. 

"We finger painted!" She hollered, pointing the camera away from her face and towards the wall of Misha's living room. The white wall was covered with streaks of pinks, and blues, and greens, and yellows.  

"Oh my god." Jared and Jensen both said at the same time. 

Jensen exhaled slowly, "Lillian Marie Ackles, tell me you didn’t finger paint all over your Uncle's wall!" He said sternly.  

Lilly returned the camera to her face before simply nodding, "Uh-huh. But don't worry papa, he did it with us." 

There was a voice in the near distance that proclaimed, "It's true! Don't get mad at her." 

Suddenly Misha came into view. He was wearing a paint-splattered apron when he sauntered into the frame and leaned over Lilly's shoulder, "Vicki and I are repainting the living room next week." He explained, "I thought it would be nice to let the kids have a little fun with the walls in the meantime." 

Jensen wasn't surprised. That was just the kind of guy Misha was. He would do anything to keep his kids happy, to keep them safe, to keep them creative, and expressive.  

If any of them had learned anything over the spans of their lives, it was the importance of expression -of all forms. So Misha figured he might as well teach that to the kids right from the get go. 

“It was so much fun Papa. I got a little bit of paint in my hair but Aunt Vicki helped me wash it out.” Lilly smiled. “And now were baking cookies!”

“Yeaaaaah cookies!” West screamed, sticking his head into the frame. He got way too close to the camera, which resulted in Jared and Jensen getting a wonderful glimpse up his nostrils. 

“West, you poop!” Lilly grunted, “Mooooovee! I can’t see them.” 

West giggled before moving away from the camera and licking Lilly on the side of her face. 

Oh yeah, he was definitely Misha’s son. 

“Ick!” Lilly laughed, wiping her cheek with the palm of her hand. “Prepare to get _slobbered_!” She exclaimed. 

“Alright you two.” Misha laughed, “West, why don’t you go help mom in the kitchen.” 

“Lilly come with me.” West begged.

Lilly turned back to the camera, “Daddy, Papa, can I talk to you later?” She asked sweetly. 

“Sure thing Lillypad.” Jared gave her a closed-mouth smile. “Wanna give the phone back to Uncle Misha?”

She nodded before blowing each of her fathers a kiss, “I love you Papa. I love you Daddy.” She smiled. 

“Love you too, Lillypad.” They each said, and a moment later she was running off to the kitchen with West. 

Misha took the phone, and looked at his friends with cautious concern. “How are you guys holding up over there?” 

Jared shrugged, “We’re alright.” He paused before correcting, “ _I’m_ alright.” 

Jensen squeezed Jared’s shoulders. 

“That’s really great to hear, Jay.” Misha smiled. 

“Just one more treatment and we’ll get to come visit.” Jensen added. 

“Really!?” Misha inquired. 

“Yup, after my seventh treatment we should be in the clear.” Jared smiled, “We love you Misha, and you’ve been such a great friend…but I’m ready to have my little girl back.” 

Misha laughed at that, “West is going to be devastated.” 

“Maybe not for long.” Jared suggested.

Misha gave him a strange look. 

“I think we might move back.” Jared said. 

Jensen squeezed his shoulders again, “We don’t know for sure yet though. It’s just an idea.” 

“That sounds like a great idea.” Misha smiled, and Jensen shot him a look, using one hand to make a cutting motion across his throat. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Jared to move back to the city, and he didn’t want Misha supporting that idea either. As much as Jared thought he was ready to move back into the city, Jensen knew he wasn’t ready for it. 

“You know I can see you.” Jared huffed, turning his neck around so that he could see Jensen. “This is a _front_ facing camera.”” 

Jensen blushed. “All I’m saying is…” 

“You don’t think I’m ready?” Jared huffed. 

“No—No that’s not...” 

Misha cleared his throat. “Easy, love birds.” He coerced “Maybe you can just test the waters when you come get Lilly?” 

“We can only stay in New York for a week, tops…because of Jared’s treatments.” Jensen pointed out.

“Meeh. We can work with that. Right Jay?” Misha raised his eyebrow and Jared sighed. 

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, “I guess that’s fair.” 

Misha looked off to the side, “Oh fuck.” He slapped his forehead with his hand, “Vicki is going to burn down this goddamn house down. This is why chocolate chip cookies are _my_ specialty!” 

Jensen laughed, and Jared let out a muffled chuckle. 

Misha shot them a look, “Don’t act like I wasn’t responsible for your post-freshman fifteen, Jen.” He smirked, “We both know how much you like my fucking cookies.”

This time it was only Jared who laughed, but it was louder than both he and Jensen’s prior combined laughter. 

“I _did not_ gain fifteen pounds post freshman year.” Jensen defended, “If anything, I _lost_ fifteen pounds because of this one.” He patted Jared’s shoulder, remembering the period in their relationship when Jared –the fitness guru- tried to get Jensen embrace his incredibly fit lifestyle. It worked for a couple of months. But Jensen eventually accepted the fact that he wasn’t made to eat rabbit food like his taller counterpart. Jensen preferred lifting donuts to dumbbells. 

“Don’t you go fattening up our child.” Jensen glared at Misha. “I’ve read Hansel and Gretel. I know what you’re doing.” 

Misha laughed. There was a loud noise in the background and Misha looked towards the kitchen again. “West, no! Don’t eat that…” He sighed, “I swear, that kid….” He laughed, “Hey I’ve gotta go watch the rascals. See you guys soon?” 

“Yeah.” Jared replied. 

Jensen nodded before adding, “Thanks again Meesh. For everything.” 

“Ah, don’t mention it guys. Love you both.” Misha smiled before disconnecting the phone.

The room was filled with silence. It had a lot been quieter since Lilly left. 

“I miss Lilly.” Jared sighed. 

Jensen began massaging Jared’s shoulders, and Jared leaned in to the touch, humming as Jensen’s fingers pressed along his shoulder blades. 

“Me too.” Jensen exhaled, “But we’ll get to see her soon. Just one more treatment and we’ll be set to get our Lillypad back. ” 

“I’m sick of being sick.” Jared sighed. 

“You aren’t _sick_.” Jensen breathed. 

“Yes I am Jen.” Jared put his hand on top of Jensen’s, removing it from his shoulder. “Depression is an illness Jen…it’s a disorder.” He turned his body around in order to face Jensen. 

“Then let me be your doctor.” Jensen smirked, trying to make light of Jared’s words. 

“That’s not funny.” Jared rolled his eyes though there was a smile on his face “You’re such a fool.” 

“A fool for _loooove_.” Jensen cooed. He put his hands on both sides of Jared’s face, cradling it. “So…you gunna let me kiss you, or what? Because it just so happens that my kisses are famous for their curative powers.” 

Jared looked up at Jensen and nodded before playfully saying. “Just shut up and kiss me.”

Jensen smiled before bringing his lips to Jared’s, enveloping him in a tender kiss.

“Better?” Jensen breathed, once he had removed his mouth from Jared’s. 

“Almost.” Jared exhaled. He pulled Jensen in for another kiss, playfully biting his bottom lip as he broke away. 

“There.” Jared smiled, “That’s better.”


	23. Dear Diary

“I think I want to cut my hair.” Jared breathed as he looked at himself in the mirror. He was in the bathroom examining his face while Jensen finished brushing his teeth next to him.

Ever since his last treatment, Jared had decided he wanted to make a lot of changes in his life, some were small –like removing coffee from his diet - and others were large –like his desire to move back to New York. But Jared’s hair had always been the same length for as long as he and Jensen had known each other. Sure, he’d styled it differently from time to time, but Jensen couldn’t imagine his husband without his long locks. 

Jensen almost choked on his water as he gargled, “You’re joking.” He said, after spitting the water into the sink. 

“Well not all of it, obviously.” Jared laughed. “Just, you know…shorter.” 

“How much shorter, Jay?” 

“Remember how it looked, like, right when we graduated?” 

Jensen let out a laugh, “You mean before your hairline receded?”

Jared shot him a glare, “Don’t make me cut it _all_ off just to spite you.” 

Jensen laughed, “I’m just pulling your leg, Jay. If I loved you through your whole ‘middle part’ phase, I think I can handle any other hairstyle you throw at me.” 

“Jesus Christ, I almost forgot about that month I had a middle part.” Jared said, shuddering as he thought about his least favorite hairstyle.

“Month?” Jensen raised an eyebrow, “Try, _months_.” He corrected, “I recall having to help you do your hair every morning for at least six months.” Jensen wiped his mouth and put his toothbrush back in its holder before turning to Jared and running a hand through Jared’s hair, “But then again, what else is new.” 

Jared stuck out his tongue, using it to poke Jensen’s nose. 

“You’re like a fucking dog.” Jensen giggled. 

Jared proceeded to playfully bite Jensen’s nose, but Jensen angled his head upwards and his lips were caught between Jared’s teeth. Jared continued to playfully nibble on Jensen’s lips for a moment, before poking his tongue into Jensen’s mouth, where Jensen happily welcomed him in. 

As they continued to kiss, Jared picked Jensen up and lifted him onto the counter, where Jensen promptly proceeded to pull Jared closer to him, deepening the kiss as he wrapped his legs around his husband. 

“Since when are you the aggressive one?” Jensen breathed, breaking away from the kiss for a moment. He had no idea what had gotten into his husband, but he was incredibly on board with this new development. If this was how Jared was after six treatments, Jensen couldn’t wait until his seventh. 

Jared shrugged, “I’ve got a lot of pent up angst that I’m just _dying_ to release.” He smirked as he began grinding into Jensen. 

“Jay.” Jensen hummed, pressing his forehead against his husband’s, “Jay you’ve got an appointment with Dr. Bellway in an hour.” It was Jared’s first meeting with his new psychiatrist, and they we’re both looking forward to seeing how much he had developed…though as far as Jensen could tell, Jared had been doing just fine in that department. 

“That’s more than enough time.” Jared huffed.

They hadn’t had sex since before the termination of their pregnancy -though they often talked about it. They decided to wait until after Jared’s seventh treatment, so they often found themselves in the same position they were currently in; wrapped up in each other and ready to go, but having to stop themselves from going all the way because they were tired of always breaking the promises they made. 

“Jay. One more treatment, and then we can try doing this again.” Jensen pleaded. He hoped the blood that was rushing towards his hardening member would redirect itself to his brain.

Jared let out a groan, “Goddammit.” 

Jensen cradled Jared face with his hand, “I know.” He leaned in and gave Jared a tender kiss. “Soon, Jay…Soon.” 

Jared nodded. “Cold shower?” He suggested. 

“No touching.” Jensen warned, pointing a stern finger at his husband, who nodded in response. 

As of late, the shower often served as a place where Jared and Jensen could talk about anything and everything. When they talked to Dr. Bellway before setting up their most recent appointment, she had suggested they start having conversations in the shower, in order to help release tension due to both physical, and emotional buildups. Plus, the cold water always felt nice on their skin. 

“Jay, when we get back from New York, I’m going to need to go back to work.” Jensen sighed as he ran shampoo through his hair, “Paid leave only lasts for so long.” 

“I know.” Jared breathed, moving wet strands of hair from his face. 

“You know what that means, right?” Jensen asked.

“It means things are one step closer to being normal again.” Jared assured Jensen. 

“It also means you’re going to be home alone a lot more often.” Jensen added.

“I know.” Jared repeated. There was a long moment of silence before he spoke again, “You know, I’ll be okay Jen.” 

“Jared.” Jensen stopped washing his hair and took both of Jared’s hands in his before pulling him closer, “I have to be completely honest with you…” He breathed as the water rushed over their heads, “I’m scared shitless about the thought of you being home alone, Jay. I’m really uncomfortable with the idea, especially considering that the last time you were alone…” Jensen’s voice trailed off. 

Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand before looking at him with a pair of puppy dog eyes. “I’m no longer in that head space, Jen. You don’t have to worry about me hurting myself. I don’t feel like doing that anymore.” He leaned in and gave Jensen a kiss. It was short, and sweet, and full of purpose. “When you come home from work everyday, I’m going to be here waiting for you, okay?” 

Jensen nodded his head. “But…what are you going to do with all of your free time? I don’t want you burring your head in the stock market again.” 

“Free time?” Jared gave Jensen a confused look, “You don’t want me to start working again? I thought we wanted things to be _normal_ again Jen?” He paused, “I still want to move back to New York. Don’t you miss seeing me in those sexy fitted suits.” Jared wagged his eyes at his husband.

Jensen closed his eyes for a moment; he really did miss seeing Jared in his Armani suits. He missed Jared’s gelled hair and cleanly shaven face. He missed the spiced smell of the cologne Jared used to wear to work. He missed the hustle and bustle of their old morning routine; ducking between each other’s arms in the kitchen as they made breakfast before dropping Lilly off at day care and heading to their respective offices, only to come back into each other’s waiting arms after a long day of work. 

But the whole point of these treatments was so that Jared could start afresh and establish a sense of normality in his life. And if that new normal included parts of their old life, Jensen new it wasn’t his place to decide what Jared could, and couldn’t do. 

Jared noticed the worried look on Jensen’s face and proposed, “Maybe I’ll be like all of the other stay at home moms in the neighborhood and join a book club or something.” Jared smiled. “Or I can take a cooking class?” 

“I want you to do whatever makes you happy, okay Jay?” Jensen breathed. “If, when the treatments are over…if you want to go back to work, I’m not going to deny you that.” 

“Thanks, Jen.” Jared gave Jensen a smile before pulling him closer, into a hug. 

Jensen hadn’t received an honest, unsolicited hug from his husband since before he began his treatments. “I love you Jay.” Jensen breathed. 

“I know.” Jared exhaled. 

****************** 

Jared came back from Dr. Bellway’s office with only one task, and that was to look at his old journal; the one he began writing in when he was nineteen, and had stopped writing in after Eli’s stillbirth. No one, aside from himself, had ever actually read his journal, and he planned on keeping it that way. Luckily, Dr. Bellway’s instructions did not include sharing his journal with anyone else. 

Her exact words had been… _We’re going to try a few exercises okay? I want you to try and read through your old journal. The good times, the bad times, all of them. I want you to see if you can connect to the feelings you had while writing each entry, but as you flip each page, I want you to leave those emotions behind, with the previous entry. Do you understand what I want you to do?_

Jared nodded when she said this, though he wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted him to do. He just wanted to get back to Jensen, who was waiting for him in the lobby of the office. 

He had answered all of her questions with honesty: _Are you happy with the sex of your child? Do you still want another one? What is your relationship like with your husband?_

_Yes, I’ve come to terms with it. No, I’m neither physically or emotionally capable of doing so. Perfect. He’s kind, selfless, funny…patient…and I’ll be damned if anyone says I deserve his affection._

Though the last answer had concerned Dr. Bellway, she tried to assure Jared that he _did_ deserve to be loved, and he should try his hardest to welcome the idea. 

In the end, she thought Jared was progressing normally, so much so that she told him to cut his dose of antidepressants in half until the end of the week, when he had his next treatment.

So when they got home that evening, while Jensen made dinner, Jared quietly made his way into their room and headed straight for their closet, where he opened the door and walked inside, trying to be as quiet as he could when he began sifting through the clothes that hung on his side of the room. 

He bent down, moving a few pairs of shoes around, until he found what he was looking for. In one of the shoeboxes he kept tucked away in the back of his side of the closet, he found his old Leather-bound journal. 

Jared traced his hands along the cover of the book. He hadn’t touched it in years, but every ridge and bump beneath his fingers felt familiar. He traced the spine, before bringing the journal to his nose. It smelled like a mixture of leather, peppermint –his favorite flavor of _anything_ -, and the old Ralph Lauren cologne he used to wear.

Jared poked his head outside of the closet to make sure Jensen was still downstairs, before shutting the closet door and turning on the lights. 

He took a deep breath, sat with his back against the door, and began reading from the first entry.

 

August 24, 1999

_So my first day of sophomore year has already been pretty eventful. Gen came over tonight and gave me this journal. She said she saw it in Paris and it reminded her of me (for reasons otherwise unknown). Then after getting drunk on my couch (I’m still drunk…sorry for the penmanship) she kissed me…which I thought was strange, because she knows I’m gay._

_But get this, right after that happened she told me that she is too._

_Before she passed out for the evening, Gen said that if there’s ever a time that she’s not around to listen (we both know that time will never come…) at least I’ll have this journal to “talk” to. According to Gen, I can still be a big Wall Street banker, even if I have a lot of feelings, and care about people. She says I don’t have to show those feelings if I don’t want to though, instead I can just write them in here._

_Sometimes I think Gen knows me better than I know myself._

 

Jared smiled as he remembered his best friend, but rapidly turned the page when he remembered why she was no longer around, and it instantaneously dawned on him that reading his old journal might not have been the best idea. He didn’t understand how revisiting all of the pain he had experienced, would somehow make him feel better. 

But he had to see if he could move on, he had to see if he could read the entries without holding on to the pain he had previously lived through. So he kept on reading.

 

September 5, 1999

 _I think the barista must have spiked my coffee today, because I saw something-well, someone- that must have been a figment of my imagination. It was this guy…God? An angel? A mirage? I don’t know, but he was beautiful… maybe it’s my mind telling me that I need to go out more._

_Gen says it’s my repressed sexual desires appearing just to taunt me. She said it happened to her the entire summer._

_September 7, 1999_

_I saw him again._

Jared flipped a few pages.

 

_September 29, 1999_

_I think I’m in love with a total stranger… which is weird because: one, I don’t have time to fall in love, and two… I don’t have time to fall in love. Not with all of the homework I have due, and the essays I have to write…_

He flipped again.

 

_September 30, 1999_

_The stranger’s name is Jensen._

_October 13, 1999_

_Genevieve says I need to make time for love. She also says I’ve got a stick up my ass (which is completely false) for not talking to Jensen. I enjoy admiring from afar, that’s all. But Gen says that life’s too short for that. It’s only been two months since she told me she likes girls…and she already has a girlfriend, Danneel. They both work together at Lou’s. I like her. She’s cool._

Jared flipped to a familiar date: November 22, 1999

_Today, in short: Jensen spilled coffee on me, which eventually lead to THE BEST KISS OF MY LIFE, (drunk me almost having sex), a new nephew, and A NEW BOYFRIEND??_

 

_December 11, 1999_

_Jenny makes me fell like myself. Like, the real me, the person I never new I was until I met him. These days I spend more time cooking and laughing, and less time crying and stressing over tests. I smile more. I eat more (Jenny might be bad influence…but honestly, it’s okay to have a cookie –or three- every once in a while.)_

_Jennny makes me a better person, a stronger person, a person who is…well… A LOT MORE FUN!_

_February 18, 2000_

_I don’t take Adderall anymore. I like to sleep…because these days it’s next to Jensen._

Jared smiled. He had changed so much within the span of his thirty six years, and he really did owe the better part of that to Jensen. He had so many dreams and ambitions that he was too shy to fulfill, but Jensen brought out the outgoing personality that was hiding within him. It was with Jensen’s help Jared became outgoing and confident enough to make it on Wall Street. And it was Jensen who also kept him so humble as they found success so early on in their careers.

_July 19, 2000_

_It’s my 21 st birthday. Jenny won’t tell me what we’re doing. He says it’s a suprise, but I already found the picnic basket he tried to hide underneath his bed…_ 

 

Jared flipped to the next entry that was written. It had the same date as the previous one.

_Jenny is the one. After tonight, I’m 100% sure of it._

_We did it…We had sex underneath the stars tonight. And even though it hurt like hell at first, I wasn’t embarrassed, because Jenny made me feel safe and comfortable...he held me so close the entire time, and kept asking me if I was okay._

_Goodbye virginity, you will not be missed._

 

Jared flipped a handful of pages

_May 4, 2004_

_Forever is a long time, and I want to spend it with him._

Jared smiled as he read an entry from January 12, 2005.

 

 _I’m getting married. Yup, Jenny asked me to marry him today! And guess where he asked…the Starbucks on Broadway -the one where we met- and do you know what he did? He spilled his coffee on me again! But this time, when he got down on his knee, it wasn’t to clean the coffee off of my shoe..._

_I’ve been waiting for this moment for the past five years, three months, eleven days, and thirteen hours…but then again who's counting?_

_July 30, 2006_

_Letting Gen and Danneel plan my bachelor party was definitely the best –and worst- idea I’ve ever had. Strippers, handcuffs, and alcohol are a fiendishly fantastic mix._

_And even though I had a fantastic time tonight, I still couldn’t help but think about Jensen 98% of the time…no one I saw tonight can compare to him in anyway. I can’t believe that in less than 24 hours, I’ll be his and he’ll be mine. Forever._

_July 31, 2006_

_Today’s the big day! After today I will officially be Jared Tristan Ackles. God, doesn’t it just roll off the tongue._

_(remember: don’t trip down the isle ya’ big klutz)_

 

Jared flipped past a few more entries until he stumbled upon the first of many identical ones.

 

_December 17, 2006_

_I think I’m pregnant._

_December 25, 2006_

_I’m not pregnant. Guess Santa isn’t real after all._

_January 2, 2007_

_I better be pregnant after last night, I swear to God._

_January 31, 2007_

_I’m. not. Pregnant._

 

Jared turned past page after page of identical entries.

_March 1, 2007_

_Taking another test today. Hoping for a positive. I know it would be the perfect birthday present for Jenny!_

_June 10, 2007_

_There must be something wrong with me._

_July 19, 2007_

_Jensen think’s tonight is finally going to be the night. Birthday Gods, let it be so!_

As Jared continued to flip through the pages, he noticed the handwriting got messier and the pages were handled with less care; from coffee stains to earmarked pages, and pages that had been ripped out all together. It was a terribly accurate metaphor for his life.

_August 3, 2007_

_Today makes 15 negatives._

Jared closed his eyes and took a deep breath, remembering the feeling of unending hopelessness he had after taking that 15th pregnancy test. He remembered wanting to take his own life for the first time.

He held his breath as he turned the page, trying to leave those feelings behind.

_September 5, 2007_

_God, please let this be the one. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t hold up my end of the bargain. We keep trying, but I just can’t seem to get pregnant. I can tell by the look in Jenny’s eyes…he’s tired. He’s tired of trying and I can’t blame him. I’m tired too._

 

Upon seeing the next date, Jared smiled to himself. He remembered this entry.

 

  _September 20, 2007_

_We did it. We fucking did it. We’re going to be dads._

Jared continued to flip through his journal, until he landed on an entry from February 17, 2008

 

 _Jenny insists we wait to find out the sex of the baby. I’ll never understand why he likes surprises so much, but I guess I’ll just go along with it._

_Anyway, Jenny and I took a walk around the park today, and we came up with a list of names. If our baby is a girl we’re going to name her Lilly…(Blame that on the pond we happened to be walking by. It was full of Water Lilies, which are coincidentally my favorite flowers.)_

_If our baby is a boy (Eeep! Fingers crossed!) we’re going to name him either Landon or Lucas. I like Landon, Jensen likes Lucas… So if this baby is a boy, I can see an interesting debate happening in the near future. (I know I’ll get my way in the end)_

_March 6, 2008_

_Jensen is just so confident our baby is going to be a boy. It’s incredibly entertaining. He was resting his head on my stomach the other day and he said “either this baby has three legs, or it’s a boy.”_

_I told him that’s not how it works._

Jared laughed as he flipped the page

 

June 3, 2008

_I just held my beautiful baby girl for the first time, and I’ve never felt more whole in my entire life. I honestly thought this day would never come…yet here I am._

_At 10:30pm, After seven painstaking hours of labor, Lillian Marie Ackles, our six pound three ounce miracle, came into the world with a symphony of high-pitched screams._

_She has my nose and Jenny’s bottle green eyes…and his freckles. God, those freckles. She’s going to be a ray of sunshine, just like her Papa._

_Welcome to the world, little one._

Jared held his journal up against his heart. The day Lilly was born had been the happiest day of his life. He wanted to hold on to that feeling forever, especially because he remembered what entry came next…why the happiest day of his life was simultaneously the first of many horrible days that would later plague his existence.

 

_June 3, 2008_

_Jenny said Gen and Danneel got into an accident while they were on their way to see me in the hospital. He said a drunk driver hit them. He said they aren’t okay. He said…he said there weren’t any survivors._

_By best friend is dead…Gen is dead and it’s all my fault._

 

Jared cried as he flipped past the next few entries. He new he couldn’t read them. He couldn’t revisit the funeral, or the next round of failed pregnancies. He couldn’t revisit the pain. He just couldn’t.

Maybe he wasn’t as ready as Dr. Bellway though he was after all.

So Jared flipped all the way to the last two pages of entries, and closed his eyes, taking four deep breaths before he finally dared to read them.

 

_October 17, 2010_

_In regards to the Landon vs. Lucas debate: Jensen and I couldn’t settle on a name. Misha suggested Elijah – who is apparently described in the bible as being a worker of wonders- So I think we’re gunna go with that._

_Hopefully he’ll be the light I’ve been needing in my life._

 

Jared turned to the last entry, taking a moment to breathe as he debated whether or not it was wise to read it.

He went along and did it anyway.

 

_December 21, 2010_

_Eli is dead. So am I._

 

Jared abruptly shut the journal after reading that last entry. 

“Jay?” He heard Jensen call from their bedroom. 

Jared held his breath, trying to collect himself.

Jensen called out again, “Jay?”

“I’m in here.” Jared replied weakly. 

“What? Jay are you in the closet?” Jensen asked. 

“Literally. Yes. Figuratively…don’t even try and make that joke because I won’t laugh.” 

A minute later, the closet door was opened. As a result, Jared –who had previously been leaning his entire body weight on the door- fell back on his back, landing on the hardwood floor, and right in front of Jensen’s feet. 

Jensen looked down at him inquisitively, “Ummm?” 

Jared looked up at him sheepishly, “Hey.” He muttered. 

“What were you doing in there?” Jensen asked. He lent Jared a hand and he took it, pulling himself off of the ground with a grunt. 

“I-uh…” Jared ran his hands through his hair. He was frazzled. All he wanted to do was crawl back into the closet and cry. “Dr. Bellway told me to do a few meditation exercises, so…” Jared shrugged; holding back tears. 

“Meditation exercises?” Jensen raised his eyebrow at his husband, “In the closet?” 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” Jared leaned over and gave Jensen a weary kiss on the cheek, “Is dinner ready?”

Jensen scratched the back of his neck, “Um, yeah. It is.” He gave Jared a worried look, “Are you okay, Jay?” 

Jared looked at Jensen. He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay at all. He had been through so much, and after revisiting all of the pain he experienced, he realized what the whole point of that exercise had been. 

The point of reading his journal wasn’t to make him feel better. It was to remind him of everything he had been through, to show him that after everything that had happened, he deserved to be happy.

He deserved to be happy, and it wasn’t fair that he still didn’t feel that way.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Jared whimpered, despite the fact that he was shaking his head and could no longer hold back his tears. 

“Jay, Baby…what’s wrong?” Jensen wrapped Jared in his arms, enveloping him in a hug. 

And that was it. The tears just started to pour out of him. “I know now. I know I deserve to be happy.” Jared cried, “I didn’t think I deserved it before. But I’ve been through so much…I deserve it. And I want it, Jen. I want it so much.” 

“Woah, Jay, what are you talking about?” Jensen beseeched. “What’s going on?” 

“I’m going to be okay. Jenny, I’m going to be okay. I know I’ll be happy again soon.” Jared cried.

Jensen froze. “Jay…” He cradled Jared’s cheeks with his hands and looked him dead in the eyes. “Jay…”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Jared whimpered. He was still bawling, but it was because he honestly believed he was going to be okay. Things were going to be normal again. 

“I—you…” Jensen was beyond confused. Nothing made sense. “What kind of meditation—“

Jared silenced him with a tearful kiss. “I’ll be good again, Jenny. Everything will be good again soon.”

Jensen shook his head in disbelief, “Jay, what happened in there?” He was now crying with his husband.

“I—I let go.” Jared pulled Jensen in for a long, sweet kiss. They could taste the salt from their tears on their tongues as they kissed. “Depression won’t be my death sentence.” Jared said as he broke away, “I’ll live with it. I’ll take my meds. We’ll find a new normal…but it will be normal…and I will be happy.” 

Jensen was still in shock, still unbelievably happy, unbelievably _grateful;_ for the treatments, for whatever magic Dr. Bellway had worked on his husband… 

“Jared.” Jensen cried, “You—you called me…you called me Jenny.” 

“I did, didn’t I?” Jared laughed through his tears.

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, trying to smile through his own tears. “I never thought I would hear you call me that ever again. Jay, I never thought...” Jensen trailed off. 

Jared gave his husband a small smile. “I guess—I guess there are some things I’ll never be able to let go.”

“Well, I’m glad I’m one of them.” Jensen sniffled. 

Jared nodded before nestling his head into Jensen’s neck. “I really do love you Jenny. And I think that makes me one step closer to loving myself.”

“I—” Jensen choked on his words. He didn’t know what to say, other than the one thing he knew he could say without an ounce of doubt. It was the only thing he was sure of. 

“I love you, Jared.” Jensen whispered as he stroked his husband’s hair. “I love you so, so, much Baby.” 

“I know Jenny.” Jared breathed, “I know. And I love you too.”


	24. New York, New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my tardiness...but on the bright side, I have a lot of fantastic things lined up for the rest of this fic! Thanks for staying with me guys <3 <3

******************

Jensen sat in the waiting room of the hospital’s ECT Unit with his hands placed languidly in his lap. His legs shook as he tapped his feet on the ground, counting down the seconds, while he waited for his husband to recover from his seventh treatment.

The treatment itself had finished over an hour ago, but Dr. Richardson was still monitoring Jared, making sure he was completely ready and well enough to spend a week in New York.

Jensen had all of their bags in the trunk of their car, because they had planned to go directly from hospital to the airport. But as Jensen alternated between checking his watch and looking down the hallway for any sign of his husband, he noted that they were definitely cutting it close. In hindsight, he realized they probably shouldn’t have scheduled their flight for the same day as Jared’s treatment.

But after another twenty minutes of anxious foot tapping, Jensen let out a sigh of relief as he saw his husband and Dr. Richardson walking towards him. When they got closer, Jensen stood up and collected Jared in his arms, and he warmly welcomed the embrace.

“How’re you feeling Baby?” Jensen asked. He brushed a strand of Jared’s hair out of his face before kissing his forehead.

“Tired.” Jared nodded, “Okay, but tired.”

Jensen gave him a quick kiss on the lips before turning to Dr. Richardson. “Is he good to go?”

Dr. Richardson gave him a closed mouthed smile before nodding, “I believe so. Your husband has been making great progress. Combined with the meds, things should only get better from here.”

“Thank you.” Jensen said, pulling Jared closer into his side. His husband leaned into his touch and yawned.

“Just make sure he gets some sleep on the plane ride over.” Dr. Richardson instructed. 

“Will do.” Jensen nodded.

“Enjoy New York.” Dr. Richardson said. He offered his hand for Jared and Jensen to shake, and they both did. “I’ll see you in a week.” He smiled. And with that he began walking back down the hallway. 

“Time to get our Lillypad back.” Jared yawned

*********

Jared spent the majority of the three and a half hour flight asleep, with his head resting on Jensen’s shoulder. But as soon as the plane hit the ground, he was –somewhat- wide awake and ready to go; ready to see his daughter after two whole months apart. 

When Jared exited the airport Lilly was the first person he saw. She was playing a hand game with West, and there was a smile so wide on her face, the corners of it dug into her dimples. 

“Daddy!” She screamed. 

It was as if Jared was watching the moment play out in slow motion. When she turned around her blonde pigtails swung in the air. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. 

“Daddy!” She screamed again. 

Suddenly everything was normal speed again, and Lilly was running towards her father. 

“Lillian!” Jared cried. He dropped all of his bags on the ground and ran towards his daughter. Once they reached each other Jared dropped to his knees and Lilly hastily dove into his arms. 

“Daddy!” She cried, burrowing her face in her father’s shirt. “Daddy I missed you so much.” 

Jensen looked down at his husband and daughter -unable to stop his own tears from falling- before looking up at his best friend. 

“Jen.” Misha smiled, opening his arms. But before Jensen could hug his friend, Lilly’s head popped up over her father’s shoulder. 

“Papa!” Lilly screamed, “Papa! Papa! Papa!” 

Jared let Lilly go and she ran over to Jensen, wrapping her arms around his legs. “Papa.” She sighed, nuzzling her face against his legs, “Thank you for bringing Daddy home.” 

 _Home._ Jensen sighed, _So Lilly thinks New York is home too._  

“Well we’re not home yet.” Misha said, “West, Lilly, can you guys please get in the car, while I help Uncle Jared and Uncle Jensen with their bags?” 

“Sure dad.” West nodded. 

Lilly let go of Jensen’s legs and turned to West. “No, Westy! Let’s help them.” 

Jensen gave his daughter a gentle pat on the head, “That’s nice of you Lillypad, but don’t worry. We’ve got it, okay. Just head on over to the car.” 

Lilly looked up at her father with wide eyes before nodding and saying, “Okay Papa.” And on her way into the car she stopped by Jared, who had just retrieved the bags he had dropped on the floor earlier. 

“Daddy.” Lilly whispered. 

“What is it Lillypad.” Jared asked. 

Lilly curled her pointer finger towards herself, signaling for her father to come down to her level. And when he did, she wrapped her hands around his ear and whispered, “I love you,” before giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

Jared didn’t even have a chance to reply before Lilly ran into the car to join West. 

“You gunna help us, big fella, or are you just gunna hang out on your knees all day?” Misha laughed as he loaded the car. 

“Shut up.” Jared laughed as he stood up. He walked over to Misha and gave him a hug before helping them with the last of the luggage. 

“I hope you end up on your knees later.” Jensen winked, and Jared playfully rolled his eyes in response. 

“Hey boys, keep it PG.” Misha joked as he closed the trunk. 

Jared gave Jensen a playful smirk before leaning in and giving him a tender kiss on the lips. 

Both Lilly and West stuck their heads out of the back seat to shout “Ewwww” in unison, and all three adults just laughed as they entered the car. 

No one had a chance to talk once Misha began driving, because the entire way home Lilly and West couldn’t stop talking about the big meal that Vicki was making for the evening. 

“Mashed Potatoes!” West screamed. 

“Pasta!” Lilly added.

“Chocolate cake!” West sang. 

“Steak!” Lilly hummed, “Lots ‘o steak!” 

“And vegetables.” West groaned. He stuck out his tongue and motioned down his throat with his index finger, “Bleeeehhh.” 

“West, how do you think your Uncle Jared got so tall?” Misha asked his son as he drove.

“When I was little I always ate all of my vegetables.” Jared confirmed. 

“It’s true!” Lilly added, “My daddy eats like a rabbit!” 

Jensen laughed and Jared turned around from the front seat to glare at him. Jensen gave him a sheepish grin in response. 

Soon they had arrived at the Collins’ West Village townhouse, The Morelli, where they were greeted by Vicki, who was carrying Maison in her arms. 

“My Misha! My Misha!” Maison squealed upon seeing her father. 

“Hello, my little spider monkey.” Misha smiled and kissed his daughter on the forehead before kissing his wife on the cheek. 

“A cheek kiss? How dare you!” Vicki playfully gasped. 

“I promised them I would keep the shenanigans at a PG level.” Misha grinned as he pointed back at Jared and Jensen, who were helping the kids out of the car. 

“Ahhh.” Vicki nodded, “Well, why don’t you go help them with their bags and I’ll get the little ones out of your hair?” 

“Thanks.” Misha smiled before giving his wife another kiss on the cheek. He turned away from them, but before he could start walking away, Maison began squealing again. 

“My Misha! Won’t My Misha stay with me?” She yelped. 

Misha turned around and gave his daughter a quick kiss on the cheek. “Your Misha will be back in a minute, okay? I just have to help Uncle Jared and Uncle Jensen with their bags. Okay?” 

Maison nodded, “Kay.” 

Jared and Jensen herded the kids over to Vicki while Misha unloaded their bags from the car. 

“Let me help you with those.” Jensen said as he returned to the car.

“Oh no, don’t worry about it.” Misha insisted. 

“Meesh.” Jensen glared, “I’m not a guest, man. I’m family. Let me help.” 

“I know that Jen.” Misha said as he finished gathering the bags, “But don’t you think it’s about time someone else helped you?” Misha have Jensen a look, but he stayed silent as they walked into the building, so Misha kept talking, “For the past, I don’t know, six years –at least-…you’ve been working so hard, waiting on Jared, raising Lilly…trying to keep everyone else’s world together. But not once, not _once_ have you ever asked anyone for help…until you called me two months ago that is.” Misha paused, “So tell me, Jen, when was the last time you did anything for yourself?” 

Jensen looked painfully at Misha as he spoke, but didn’t say a word. 

“That’s what I thought.” Misha sighed, “So…just let me help you Jen. Okay?” 

Jensen took a deep breath, trying to stop himself from crying. In the span of Jared’s battle with depression, Jensen knew he too had lost sight of who he was, and he honestly couldn’t wait until their lives could recapture some form of normalcy. It wasn’t just Jared who was benefitting from the treatments. Jared was helping Jensen, by helping himself. 

“Thanks Misha.” Jensen strained a smile. 

“Don’t mention it, buddy.” Misha smiled back. 

“Hey guys!” Jared called, popping his head out of the elevator he was waiting in, “We can only hold the elevator for so long.” 

Misha looked at Jensen and shrugged, adjusting the bag that he had on his shoulders. 

“We’re coming.” Jensen replied. 

When they got into Misha’s townhouse, Lilly and West immediately began running around the living room. 

Jensen smiled as he looked around. It looked exactly like he remembered it, give or take the newly painted walls. The kitchen was still mostly marble with shiny wooden cabinets, and the island in the middle of room contained bags and bags of groceries. Both the stove and oven were on, and the house smelled heavenly. 

“You cooking for a small village, Vicki?” Jensen laughed as they walked by the kitchen. 

“Have you _seen_ your husband?” Vicki laughed, “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about his appetite.” 

They all laughed at that until Jared cleared his throat and added, “My appetite hasn’t been much of an _appetite_ since…” He paused, “Since…since, well…before Eli.” 

Vicki looked mortified, afraid she had said the wrong thing; but Jared gave her a reassuring, closed mouth smile.

“But if I remember your cooking, which _I do._ ” Jared continued, his smile trembling a bit, though he tried to stay strong “I’m sure I won’t have a problem finding my appetite again.” 

Jensen gave his husband’s arm a gentle squeeze.

“That’s great to hear.” Vicki smiled, “I promise I won’t disappoint you.” She said before uneasily making her way back to the kitchen. 

With four large bedrooms and three bathrooms –including the master- in one of the best neighborhoods in the city, the Collins’ townhouse was definitely on the pricier side of Manhattan real estate. Jensen remembered when he, Jared, and Lilly, used to live two blocks over; how much easier things used to be…how _great_ life used to be for all of them. Even if they decided to move back to Manhattan, after paying for Jared’s medical bills there was no way they would be able to move back to West Village. 

“Let’s put your stuff in the guest room, shall we?” Misha proposed. 

“That sounds like a great idea.” Jensen agreed. 

“Aren’t Daddy and Papa gunna help us make dinner?” Lilly said. She stopped running and grabbed West’s hand before walking towards their parents. 

“I think your Daddy needs a bit more rest, Lillypad.” Jensen said, patting his daughter gently on the head. 

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that.” Jared yawned. 

“And I’d kill for a shower.” Jensen added. He kneeled down in front of his daughter and ran a hand through her hair, “Just give us a moment to get settled, and then we’ll be right out, alright?” 

“Mkay Papa.” Lilly nodded and Jensen stood back up. 

“Shall we?” Misha repeated. 

“We shall.” Jared replied, and they followed Misha into the guest room, where he promptly dropped their bags. 

On the bedside table there was a giant plate full of chocolate chip cookies. 

“You _bastard_.” Jensen laughed, punching his best friend in the arm. 

“You’re welcome.” Misha replied with a smile. “Now you two get washed up. Rest up. Do whatever you guys need to do. Dinner will be ready in about an hour.”With that, Misha left and closed the door behind him. 

Jared languidly fell back on the bed, bouncing a few times before finally coming to a stop.

“Jenny, would you please open the window?” Jared exhaled slowly. 

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked as he crossed the room. 

“Mhhmm.” Jared hummed. He took another deep breath as he felt the cool spring air rush into the room. “I miss the sounds of the city.” Jared breathed. 

Jensen belly flopped onto the bed, beside his husband, and picked his head up so he could speak. “I forgot how much I loved it here.” Jensen sighed. 

“Does that mean you’re willing to move back?” Jared asked. 

Jensen let his head fall back onto the pillow before mumbling something. 

“What?” Jared huffed. 

Jensen groaned as he picked his head back up, “Jared.” He exhaled and lifted himself up into a sitting position, “Jared, you just finished your seventh treatment.” 

“And?” Jared probed. 

“ _And_ , you still have three more.” Jensen breathed. 

“So…” 

“So I think we should wait to have this conversation until then.” 

“I know what I want, Jensen.” 

“Do you?” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jared sat up. 

Jensen wiped his face with his hands and sighed. “We just got here. I don’t want to fight.” 

There was a moment of silence before anyone spoke again, and they listened to the ticking hands of the clock that was hanging in the room, until finally, Jared broke the silence. 

“I’m going to take a nap.” He said, before lying back down and turning away from his husband. 

Jensen looked down at him and sighed, “Okay, well I’m going to head into the shower then.” 

Jared didn’t respond, so Jensen headed into the shower without saying another word.

They hadn’t fought, _really fought,_ in years. But at least a fight would mean their conversations had progressed from being one sided rants to two sided banter.

If Jared had opinions, and he was willing to express them, let alone _fight_ about them, that must have meant he was making some kind of progress. Jared had even mentioned Eli earlier without breaking down. So that must have meant _something_. Right? 

Jensen sighed, letting the warm water run down his neck as he thought about the past few hours. This wasn’t exactly how he had pictured their arrival. He wanted to talk to Jared about his feelings; ask him how he felt after seven successful treatments. He didn’t want to fight, but something told him that this would be the first of many. 

Meanwhile in the room, Jared’s nap was interrupted by a knock on the door. 

“Yeah?” Jared said groggily, as the door creaked open. 

“Daddy?” A little voice whispered. 

“Lilly?” Jared groaned as he turned himself over. Lilly poked her head into the room and smiled at him. 

“Hi Daddy. Can I come in?” 

“Sure thing, kiddo.” Jared said. He patted the space next to him on the bed and Lilly climbed in next to him. 

“Where’s Papa?” She asked. 

“He’s taking a shower.” 

“Oh.” Lilly paused, “Well I wanna bake a pie for Papa tonight. Will you help me?”

Jared tried his best to hide his annoyance. He was still upset with Jensen, and he didn’t exactly feel like making a goddamn pie for him. 

After seven treatments, Jared couldn’t exactly say he felt like himself. Most things still felt rehearsed, like he had to pretend; fake smiles, act like he was interested in conversations, wrack his brain for memories of who he once was, and try to act like the same man he used to be. And his journal helped with that. But now, after fighting with Jensen, Jared felt like he could think for himself again –at least somewhat. 

He felt _passionate_ about something for the first time in a long time. He wanted to move, with all his heart and soul, he wanted to move…needed it, even. 

He knew he could be happy in New York, away from his childhood home. Because though initially it helped to be near his family, after a while, living San Antonio became a constant reminder of the life he had as a child, the life he would never get to raise his children to grow up in. 

He wouldn’t have any aspiring cowboys running around the house, wouldn’t get to teach anyone how to a ride horse, wouldn’t have anyone asking Santa for customized cowboy boots come Christmas time like he and Jensen used to as children.

And slowly but surely, Jared was becoming okay with that. Because he had Jensen, and he had Lilly. And Lilly had already expressed her disinterest in the longhorn lifestyle anyway. She always said she would rather ride a subway than a horse. But that was okay, because Lilly was his daughter, and if she was happy, he was happy. 

And if her happiness rested in making her father a pie, Jared would do it. 

“Sure thing Lillypad.” Jared whispered, “Is there a special reason why you want to bake a pie for Papa?” 

“You know Papa loves your apple pie.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“And you know how you used to make it for us to eat for dessert…before you got sad.” Lilly whispered. 

Jared gulped, “Yeah, I remember.” 

“Well if you make it, that will show Papa that you’re happy again. And if you’re happy then we can stay here, in New York.” Lilly paused, “Daddy I like it here. I don’t want to leave.”

Jared sighed, “I don’t want to leave either Lillypad.” 

“Then why do we have to?” Lilly asked. 

Jared smiled at his daughter, “Even if I made Papa a pie, that wouldn’t mean that I was happy. That would be pretending.” Jared paused, “That would be lying. And we don’t want to lie to Papa.” 

“But I want to stay.” Lilly sniffled. 

Jared slowly exhaled, “Don’t you want Daddy to be happy for real, not for pretend?” 

“Y-yeah.” Lilly blubbered. 

“Well then once I’m happy for real… maybe _then_ we can convince Papa to let us stay in New York!” He said as he wiped away his daughter’s tears. 

“When will you be happy for real, Daddy?”

“Soon.” 

“You promise?”

“I promise.” 

Lilly nodded before wiping away the last of her tears. 

“Whaddya say we go make that pie, huh?” Jared smiled and got up from bed, offering his back to Lilly, who happily jumped on it. She wrapped her legs around Jared’s torso, and her arms around his neck. 

“Giddy-up!” Lilly exclaimed. And with that command, Jared took of towards the kitchen with a smile on his face.

Sure, Lilly still hadn’t learned how to ride a horse, but this would definitely suffice.


	25. Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> College is hard. Writing is harder.  
> Sorry for taking so long, but I'm back and ready to continue the rest of the story. Thanks for the patience guys <3

“Jay I’m sor—“ Jensen started to say as he entered the room, but he stopped talking once he realized it was empty.

He sighed as he ran a towel through his hair a few times, not even bothering to thoroughly dry it, before throwing on an olive green Henley and a pair of ripped jeans. 

He was about to leave the room when his phone began to buzz in his pocket. Jensen looked at the caller ID and smiled. It was Tom Welling, one of his and Misha’s partners at their old law firm. He hadn’t heard from him in years. Tom stopped trying to reach Jensen after months ignored calls. He remembered the last voice mail he had received from Tom, a few months after moving to San Antonio. 

 _I understand what you’re going through is hard. Just don’t forget, I’m here for you man... But this will be my last call. If you ever decide to call me back, no matter how late in the game…just know I’ll still listen. Send Jared my regards. Hope all is well, friend._  

Tom was a good guy, and a great friend, but it had gotten too hard hearing everyone tell him how sorry they were for him. He really _had_ been another one of Jensen’s good friends, and looking back on the way he acted, Jensen wished he had handled the situation differently. 

The phone buzzed for a few more seconds, but Jensen answered it before it could go to voice mail.

There was silence on the other end of the line, but Jensen could hear someone softly breathing. 

“H-hello?” The voice finally said. 

Jensen’s voice hitched in his throat, “Hey Tom.” 

“Jensen?” Tom breathed, “Is that really you?” 

“Yeah.” Jensen exhaled, “Listen Tom, I’m really sorr—” 

“Fucking finally, you asshole.” Tom laughed gently. 

“I’m sorry, man. I’m really fucking sorry.” Jensen apologized to his friend.

“You don’t need to apologize, Jensen. It’s alright.” Tom assured him, “Misha gives me periodic updates; lets me know you guys aren’t fucking dead or something.” 

Jensen smiled, “Yeah, well…I should have answered the phone.” 

“Two years, Jen…” Tom breathed, “But I’m glad you finally answered.” 

Jensen took a hesitant breath, “Me too.” 

“How are things?” Tom asked. “How’s Jared?” 

“Better then they were…” Jensen sighed. “Better than he was…” 

“I’m glad.” Tom cleared his throat, “So, a little birdie told me that you’re in town…” 

Jensen smiled into the phone, “Did this little birdie happen to have piercing blue eyes and jet black hair…?” 

“You guessed it.” Tom laughed, “I’m throwing a party for the guys at the firm tomorrow night, and I’d love it if you would make an appearance.” He paused, “And Jared is more than welcome to come as well.” 

“I’ll be there.” Jensen promised, now excited to see his old friend. 

Jared was less enthusiastic about the idea. The next night, as Jensen got dressed and ready to leave, Jared simply sat on the bed, looking up at him with a hint of what Jensen could tell was either sleepiness, or sadness in his eyes.

Jensen was going to go with the former. They'd had a long day. They all spent the afternoon walking around Times Square, letting the kids roam around M&M world for the better part of two hours, before finally coming home. And now Jared was tired. He told Jensen that he wanted to stay home; that yes, he'd had a fun day with the family, but now he just wanted to stay home.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Jensen asked. He ran a hand through Jared’s hair, and he leaned into the touch. 

“Go out with your friends. You deserve it.” Jared gave him a closed mouth smile, “You haven’t seen them in years.” 

“But—” 

Jared interrupted his husband, “Go. Vicki and I will keep the kids busy.” He kissed Jensen’s hand. “Just…don’t have _too_ much fun.”

“Without you?” Jensen smiled, “Impossible.”

*****

Two hours later, Jensen was sitting at a table with his best friends, working on his fourth beer of the night.

“Things aren’t the same without you, Jen.” Tom said, patting his back. 

“Yeah, we actually get work done now.” Chad smirked as he brought his beer bottle to his lips. 

“Ha. Ha. Fuck you.” Jensen said sarcastically. 

Tom leaned over and slapped Chad on the back of his head, “Ow, Jesus Christ, Tom.” Chad seethed, “But seriously Jen…All jokes aside, we miss you.” 

Jensen took a sip of his beer, “Yeah, well we might move back.” 

“What?” Chad and Tom both said at the same time. 

“Yup. Jay wants to move back.” Jensen noted. 

“Really?” Chad asked excitedly. 

Jensen nodded. “I don’t know how I feel about it though.” 

“How’s Jared doing?” Chad asked. 

“Better.” Jensen said, taking a sip of his beer, “A lot better actually.” 

“That’s great to hear.” Chad smiled. 

Misha came over a moment later. There was a glass of whisky in his hand, and a shit-eating grin on his face. 

“I see you’ve been enjoying the open bar.” Tom chuckled. 

“On the contrary, gentlemen.” Misha raised his glass, “This is my first drink.” 

“Then what the hell were you doing over there for so long?” Chad asked, bewildered. 

“I’ve just been watching your wife get drunk off of peach schnapps for the past thirty minutes.” Misha grinned, “Sophia’s been giving me all the details of your rather _interesting_ sex life...We were… _exchanging notes_ , if you will.” 

“Awww dude, gross.” Chad spat, “Gimmie that.” He took Misha’s drink out of his hands and downed it faster than Jensen had seen anyone drink since college.

“Is that how the night’s going to be gentlemen?” Tom raised his eyebrow. 

“I don’t know about you,” Chad retorted as he stood up from the table, “But I plan on getting belligerently drunk.” He gave a smile before heading back in the direction that Misha had just come from, towards the open bar. 

“Just like old times.” Jensen laughed, bringing the beer bottle to his lips. 

“Yeah,” Misha smiled, putting a hand on his best friend’s shoulder, “Like old times.” 

The four of them headed over to the bar and proceeded to take shot after shot while they discussed their early memories of the firm; meeting each other for the first time –which was coincidentally the same day Tom walked in on Jensen christening his office with his husband. To this day, no one had been able to thoroughly clean Jared’s cum stain from the sofa. 

Jensen sighed. Those had been better days.

By the time they had gotten around to discussing the firm’s last Christmas party—which had resulted in Tom’s Wife's current pregnancy— Jensen decided that he needed to excuse himself, for the sake of his liver, and his dignity. 

Jensen was drunk, and he hadn’t been drunk in a long, _long_ , time. He headed to the nearest bathroom, which happened to be adjacent to Tom’s daughter’s room. He recalled Tom saying that she’d been away on a sleepover, thank God. Honestly, Jensen was just surprised that he managed to make it to the bathroom before hurling into the toilet. 

There was a knock at the door, which Jensen ignored at first, but no longer could, once the knocks turned into a symphony of pounding.

“What?” Jensen groaned. 

“It’s me, Jen.” Misha said. “Lemme in.” 

Jensen groaned and lazily crawled over to the door, not even bothering to stand up in order to unlock it, before quickly returning to the toilet.

“Woah there.” Misha laughed as he entered the bathroom and kneeled beside his friend. 

“I feel like a teenager at a goddamn frat house.” Jensen groaned. 

“It’s alright Jen.” Misha said as he rubbed Jensen’s back, “Clearly, it happens to the best of us.” 

Jensen grumbled in response, sticking his head back into the toilet. 

“I’m an asshole.” Jensen groaned once he had lifted his head back up.

“You’re not an asshole, Jen.” Misha huffed. 

“But I am!” Jensen pushed, “We both are?” 

“Ummm…” Misha gave him a confused look. 

“Your wife and my husband are at home taking care of the kids, while we’re out getting drunk like a couple of teenagers.” Jensen slurred. 

“Jen—“ 

“And not only am I an asshole.” Jensen mumbled, “I’m a coward. I’m a coward and I’m an asshole.” 

“Jensen, what are you talking about?” Misha asked earnestly. 

“If I wasn’t such a coward, we’d have another baby by now. We’d have the son we always wanted, I know it.” Jensen said. 

Oh no. The last thing Misha wanted was for a drunk Jensen to start talking about babies. “Well technically you guys have a son…sort of.” Misha said, trying to make light of the situation, “You and Jared are West’s godparents.” 

Jensen began to sniffle. 

“No Jen, don’t cry.” Misha comforted his friend as he continued to rub his back.

“I just had to go and have that surgery.” Jensen cried, “I just had to get my fucking tubes tied and ruin everything.” 

Misha stopped rubbing Jensen’s back for a moment. “C’mon Jen, you did that before you even met Jared.” Misha sighed, “You didn’t know…you couldn’t have predicted what would happen.”

“Regardless it was selfish.” Jensen declared. A tone of disgust plagued his voice. “I was so, damn, selfish. I wanted to be the one doing all of the fucking without carrying any of the consequences.” 

“Don’t say that. Sure, what you thought was best for you back then, didn’t turn out to be what’s best for you now. But that happens Jen, and its okay. ” Misha sighed, “Jensen you are the most selfless person I know…Aside from myself, of course.” He laughed and Jensen stuck his head back into the toilet. This time he was mostly just dry heaving. “Please don’t beat yourself up about it.” Misha sighed. 

Jensen threw his head into the toilet and dry heaved some more. “I’m not…I’m not upset about losing the boys anymore…I made my peace with that a long time ago.” Jensen wiped his mouth with a tissue that Misha handed him earlier, “I’m just...It’s just…Jared’s had seven treatments and I still feel like there’s something missing.” He looked up at Misha, tears streaming down his “What if I never fully get him back Meesh. What if I’ve lost my husband for good?” 

Jensen lurched forward again, but it only resulted in more dry heaving. 

“Easy there buddy.” Misha patted Jensen on his back, “I’m gunna go get you some water.” He huffed as he stood up. 

Jensen gave him a weak thumbs up, and once Misha was gone, Jensen pulled his phone out of his pocket. Though somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he would regret doing it, he called his husband.

Jared answered after the first ring. 

“J-Jared.” Jensen stuttered. “Baby?” 

“Yeah?” He answered softly. 

“Jay I need…I need to talk to you. ‘S important.”

“Jenny, are you okay? You don’t sound so great.”

“Mmmhmm.” Jensen hummed. “Drunk. Very drunk.” 

“Where’s Misha?” Jared asked. 

“He’s getting me water. But ‘snot important right now.” 

“Jens—“ 

“Just hear me out.” Jensen drawled. 

Jared let out a puff of air from the other side of the phone, and after a long moment of silence, he sighed again before prompting, “ _Well_?” 

“I’m sorry.” Jensen blubbered, “I’m so, so sorry.” 

“Jensen what’s going on?” 

“I’m sorry. For Landon, and Lucas, and Eli…” 

“Jensen please.” Jared’s voice shook. “Please don’t…I don’t want to talk about them. Not right now. Not with you, like this.”

Jensen continued to speak anyway, “I’m sorry it took me so long to notice you weren’t okay. I’m sorry you still don’t feel like you can be yourself with me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jared said defensively. 

“I’m scared Jay. Scared I’m gunna lose you forever.” Jensen hiccupped, “I almost did.” 

There was silence.

“Jay?” Jensen implored. “I’m sorry I got my goddamn tubes tied.” 

More silence. 

"And I'm sorry…” Jensen's breath hitched in his throat, "I'm sorry that—that the day I found you in the bathroom...with all of that blood...for a split second I felt like picking up a razor and following suit.” He breathed, “I felt like giving up." 

"Is that what you thought I was doing?" Jared exhaled, "giving up?"

"I...I don't know. I—" Jensen babbled.

 _Oh no_ , he'd said something wrong. He'd been honest with Jared, honest about something he hadn't even been able to admit to himself. And now what? All he had done was hurt Jared in the process. 

"I wasn't giving up." Jared breathed, "What I did. I—I did it for you...for Lilly." 

"No you didn't." Jensen accused. 

"Are you really going to try and tell me how I felt?" 

 _Oh no_ , the wrong thing again. 

"I loved you Jared. I still do.” Jensen hiccupped, “How could you! How could you think that your death would have made anyone happy?"

"You always said you loved me..." Jared paused. "But it never meant anything to me, because love was just a word. I couldn't remember what it felt like to love... _to be in love._ Couldn't remember for the longest time… Eventually I guess I started to believe I never even felt it in the first place.” Jared paused, “I thought I knew love didn’t exist. Thought everyone else was tricking themselves into feeling something impossible. I thought that…if I couldn't feel it, how could you?" 

Jensen didn't know what to say; wasn't coherent enough to even think of an answer. Yet every word Jared said to him seemed to stick like glue. Each sentence was implanted into his brain, but he could make no use of it now. Not like this. Calling Jared had been a mistake.

"Because love is.. _.love_. You can't explain it, you just feel it. And I know you felt it Jared, I know you felt it once." 

"Probably, but I just don't remember." Jared explained. 

"Bullshit." Jensen spat. 

"Excuse me?" 

"Bullshit." Jensen repeated. "You loved me…Lilly… I know you did. I—I know it." Jensen was crying now. "You had to..." 

"I don't know Jensen." Jared sighed. "The point is...I'm trying to remember how it feels to love someone... To _really_ love someone. I'm trying to let these treatments help me. But _yes_ , I still have a ways to go...And I don't think we should be having this talk now. It's not... _I'm_ not in a good place right now...I think you should come home. Vicki took the kids for ice cream, and I'm alone...and..." 

Jensen exhaled, trying his hardest to sober up, but failing miserably. He had pretty much stopped listening after Jared said "I don't know."

It wasn't his fault. This was the most honest either of them had been with each other in as long as Jensen could remember. And there was something he had to know. Something he _needed_ to know. Something he needed to ask. 

"Do you love me, Jared?" Jensen breathed.

There was silence on the other end, and Jensen repeated his question, this time, louder.  

"Do you love me?" Jensen pleaded.

"Did you hear  _anything_ I just told you?" Jared asked, a hint of pain plagued his voice.

Jensen shook his head, as if Jared could actually see him, before repeating, for a third time. "Jared. Do. You. Love. Me?"

"You're drunk." Jared sighed. "Please... Come home and we can talk about this later." 

"No. No we won't." Jensen retorted, "because I'll be sober and I'll be afraid of asking you any real questions. I'll be afraid of what you'll say… I'll have to pick and choose every word. Pick and choose everything I _say_ and _do_ around you, just like I've been doing for the past five years." 

And that was it. 

"Okay. I deserved that." Jared whispered. He spoke his next words slowly, and calmly, "I'm sorry I've wasted five more years of your life." He paused, "I won't waste another."

"That's not what I—" Jensen began to say, but the line had already gone dead. "Jay?" Jensen yearned. "Jay!"

It was then that Misha walked into the bathroom with two bottles of water and a few capsules of Advil in his hands. 

"Jay!" Jensen screamed into the phone. 

"Jared?" Misha asked, confused for a moment until he saw the phone in Jensen's hands. "Jensen!" Misha gasped, getting back down on the floor beside his friend, "Jensen what did you do?" 

"I hurt him." Jensen cried. "I told him the truth and I hurt him." He continued to cry, slowly slumping down onto the floor, "But…but he's been the one hurting me this whole time." 

"Oh god." Misha breathed. "Jensen what did you say to him?"

"The truth." Jensen cried, "I told him the truth and he said he was sorry...he said he was sorry for wasting my time and then he hung up on me."

"He what?" Misha asked frantically.

Jensen began babbling, giving Misha the little details he could remember from his conversation with Jared while he downed one of the bottles of water Misha had brought him. When he cracked open the second bottle of water, Jensen's phone started ringing again, but before he could see who was calling, Misha grabbed the phone out of his hands.

"Jared?" Misha breathed, he waited a moment, listening to the voice on the other side of the phone before correcting himself, "Vicki?" He huffed, "Why are you calling on Jared's phone?"

Misha paused, "He what?" His voice shook, "He's where?"

There was silence, and Misha's eyes widened. "Oh god." He breathed. "Okay, we're coming."

Misha inhaled, "Jen, you've gotta get up." He said, as he began attempting to pick his best friend off of the floor, "We have to go home. We have to go home right now."

"What is it?" Jensen asked as he shook his head, trying to shake away the throbbing pain of his oncoming headache as he wobbled onto his feet. "Misha, what is it?" He repeated.

"Jared..." Misha paused. He placed his hands on Jensen's shoulders, holding him steady. "Jared is missing."


	26. Lost

Jared needed to get away. He needed to get away from the knives in the kitchen. He needed to get away from the sleeping pills he found in Vicki’s medicine cabinet. He needed to get away from the pair of scissors on West’s drawing desk.

He’d been feeling strange all day, like he was looking at himself through someone else's eyes. Yes, he told himself to let Jensen go to Tom’s, to let Jensen live for himself for once and have a bit of fun without having to deal with taking care of him or Lilly. But after Jensen and Misha left, and he was alone with Vicki and the kids, Jared only began to feel even stranger. 

Vicki noticed. She always noticed, just like Misha always noticed…just like Jensen _never_ noticed. 

To be fair, Jared didn’t even know whether Jensen was truly oblivious, or whether he had just gotten so good at tricking Jensen- faking his feelings every moment of every day- that Jensen had just begun to accept this as his default setting. Maybe to Jensen…there wasn’t anything to notice anymore… 

Either way, it didn’t make Jared feel any better. 

So when he told Vicki that he needed a moment to himself; needed a little peace and quiet; she readily rounded up the kids and took them out for ice cream, telling Jared she would be right back. 

But the moment he was alone, he immediately realized that wasn’t what he wanted. In the silence, there was too much space to think…too much space to reflect…too much… _space._ An empty space. A void. 

So when Jensen called him, it sent a surge of relief through Jared’s body. But as they continued to talk…and Jensen continued to accuse him, and ignore his feelings, and his desperate need for his husband to come back home, the relief Jared initially felt, rapidly turned into despair. 

By the end of the phone call, Jared knew he was relapsing; knew he felt sadness creep back into his bones and crawl back into his innermost being. 

Jensen said that the day he found Jared in the bathtub, he thought about killing himself too. And that’s not what Jared wanted. In fact, that was the last thing Jared wanted. He didn’t want to hurt anybody else…but no matter what he did, it seemed like he couldn’t help but do that. 

So what was he supposed to do? 

If he killed himself he knew that would only bring unimaginable pain his friends and family…yet, by staying alive, he was hurting them as well; making them feel like they we’re helpless to help him…which they were. 

So he had to get away before he did something _he wouldn’t regret_ … but would never –be around- to forgive himself for either. 

He couldn’t die. He couldn’t live. But, he could disappear. 

And that’s what he decided to do. 

He didn’t know where he was going to go, but he knew it needed be anywhere but _here_. Anywhere but the townhouse…anywhere he could be found. 

After solemnly hanging up on Jensen, Jared left his phone, his wallet, and pretty much everything in his possession, on the kitchen counter top, and headed out of the apartment before Vicki and the kids returned home. 

Then he picked a direction and began to walk. 

************

 

“I couldn’t have been gone for more than fifteen minutes!” Vicki said as she frantically ran her hands though her hair. 

Jensen watched her pace back and forth through the living room, his vision wavering between blurry and black. His drunken stupor had inhibited his ability to stand, so he sat on the couch, extending his right arm out to Misha, who entered the room with yet another bottle of water.

“It’s all my fault.” Jensen groaned as he twisted the bottle cap, “It’s always my _fucking_ fault.” 

Vicki stopped pacing. “Now is _not_ the time, Jensen.” She hushed. 

“It’s never the time!” Jensen yelled. 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Misha placed his hand on his best friend’s back in an attempt to calm him. “Let’s not forget the current issue at hand.”

“Oh you mean _Jared_?” Jensen spat. “Jared’s always the issue. Jared’s always the goddamn issue…but you know what!” Jensen howled, “He’s not the only one with issues. After all…his issues are my issues... These days not even _my_ issues are my issues.” 

Vicki glared over at Misha. “Misha…please.” She whispered harshly. As awful as it sounded, this was not the time for Jensen to have a breakdown. 

“Jensen.” Misha said as he rubbed Jensen’s back, “We need to find Jared.” His voice was stern though his actions were gentle. 

“He doesn’t want to be found.” Jensen snarled. “I told you Misha…I told you I lost him…but this time I-I really did.” 

A pitter-patter filled the room. It was the sound of Lilly’s feet as she padded into the living room. “Papa?” Lilly yawned as she entered the room. A purple stuffed bunny rabbit was tucked under her arm, so she used her free hand to wipe away at her eyes. “Papa, what’s going on?” 

“Nothing sweetheart.” Vicki answered for Jensen as she hastily made her way over to Lilly. “Let’s go put you back to sleep, okay?” She held on to her niece’s hand and walked her back down the hallway. 

“Where’s my Daddy?” Lilly huffed. “I want my Daddy.” 

“Shhhh.” Vicki ran a hand through Lilly’s hair, “He’ll be back soon. He just went to the store.” Vicki said smoothly. She had always been good with kids. “We ran out of your favorite green apples today, remember?” She smiled, “Your Daddy is so nice…he offered to go out and buy some just so that you can have one as soon as you wake up tomorrow morning.”

“But he’s been gone for over an hour.” Lilly exhaled, “That’s too long.” 

“He’s taking his time…looking for the best apples for you.” Vicki assured her niece with a smile. “So go to bed now, and you’ll wake up to a big batch of shiny green apples. I promise!” 

Lilly frowned and crossed her arms over her chest, “I wanna say goodnight to my Papa first.”

Vicki sighed, “Wait right here, okay? I’ll be right back.” 

Lilly nodded and inhaled sharply. “Okay.”

Vicki walked back into the living room, where Misha was sitting next to Jensen with an arm wrapped around him, holding Jensen in a tight embrace. 

Vicki could hear her husband trying to console his friend. “Jensen.” Vicki exhaled. 

Jensen lifted his head off of Misha’s shoulder and turned his head around to look at her. “What?” He sniffled. 

“Your daughter wants to say goodnight to you. She’s in the hallway.” Vicki paused, “So can you get yourself together and kiss her goodnight…or should I tell her you’re _busy?_ ” 

Jensen stood up abruptly –too abruptly- and wobbled for a short moment before somewhat managing to maintain his posture. “I’m coming.” 

And with that, he made his way over to the hallway, taking a big breath before turning the corner, where his daughter was waiting, with her hands still crossed tightly across her chest. 

“Lillian, what are you doing up so late?” Jensen whispered as he approached his daughter.

“I heard yelling.” Lilly explained, “And I got scared.”

“Everything is fine.” Jensen reassured her. As he looked at his tired daughter, Jensen willed himself to begin sobering up. He had been irresponsible. He had gotten too drunk and let too many people down. He wouldn’t let his daughter down too. 

“Let’s get you back to bed.” Jensen sighed. He reached down and collected Lilly in his arms, where she promptly proceeded to wrap her arms and legs around his torso. 

“But I don’t want to sleep until Daddy get’s home!” Lilly huffed. 

Jensen began walking towards Maison’s room. “Lillypad you know you’re our little princess, right?”

Lilly let out a hushed giggle, “Yeah Papa, I know.” 

“Are you forgetting that a princess needs her beauty rest?” Jensen proposed before stopping in front of the room.

“No.” Lilly sighed. Jensen used his free hand to slowly open the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. Lilly exhaled before adding, “But a princess also needs her Daddy.”

Jensen turned to Lilly and smiled before giving her a kiss on the forehead. “Okay, fair.” He noted, “But she needs her Papa too, doesn’t she?” 

He gently dropped Lilly onto the twin bed across from Maison’s, and she looked up at him with dreamy eyes, yawning before replying, “Yes. She needs her Papa just as much as she needs her Daddy.” 

“Well, her Papa and Daddy need her too.” Jensen said as he pulled the covers over his daughter. “And what do you call the princess’ parents?”

“King and Queen...usually.” Lilly yawned, “But this princess has two kings.” 

“That’s right.” Jensen smiled. He sat down gently on the edge of the bed, “And it’s a princess’ duty to listen to the kings, isn’t it?” 

Lilly scrunched up her nose, “Yes.” 

“Okay…well, as king I declare it is bedtime for my little princess.” Jensen whispered. 

“But Papa!” Lilly sighed. 

“Nope.” Jensen said playfully, “It has been declared, so it must be done.”

Lilly grumbled, pulling the covers above her face, “Okay.”

Jensen smiled again, glad that his drunkenness had somewhat subsided, and pulled the covers down so that he could see his daughter’s face. “Goodnight, Princess Lillypad.” He said before planting a kiss on his daughter’s forehead. “I love you.” 

“Goodnight Papa.” Lilly yawned. “I love you too.”

And with that, Jensen got up and left the room, looking back at Lilly –whose eyes were delicately closed- before turning back around and gently closing the door behind him.

When he got back to the living room, Misha and Vicki were having what seemed like a heated discussion. When they noticed he had entered the room, they stopped talking and looked over at him. Both of them were wearing coats. Clearly they were getting ready to go somewhere.

“Jensen.” Misha sighed, “We’re gunna go out and look for Jared. Can you stay with the kids?” 

Jensen shook his head, “I’m coming with you.” He said roughly. 

“A—are you sure?” Vicki said cautiously. “I don’t know if you’re in the proper state to—“

“I feel fine.” Jensen asserted. He walked over to the coat rack and grabbed his jet black coat, throwing it on in one swift motion. 

Misha looked over at his wife and she nodded, “Okay, I’ll stay then.” She breathed, “You two go find Jared.” 

“I know where he is.” Jensen declared. 

“Jensen how would you–” Misha started, but he was cutoff by his friend.

“I know where he is.” He repeated, “Trust me. Whether or not he thinks so…I know Jared. I know my husband.” He paused, “I know where he is.” 

Jensen didn’t know what had come over him; how he had managed to curb his emotional distress and drunkenness so quickly and completely, but now that he was his right mind, he realized the gravity of the situation. 

Jared was alone. Jared needed him…and he wasn’t there. For the first time in the past sixteen years, Jensen hadn’t been there for his husband. He wished he could relive the whole day again, stay home, stay sober…

He couldn’t live for himself until Jared could too. And even though tonight proved that doing so would be emotionally taxing for him, Jensen knew that was what had to be done. A few more months of bottling up his emotions wouldn’t kill him…but a few more days of him _not_ doing that…could very well kill Jared. So it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth it to be able to truthfully emote. Not until Jared could handle it. Jensen was just going to have to be okay with that…and he was. 

“Where do you think he is?” Misha asked as he stepped into his boots. 

“The place where this all started.” Jensen huffed. “The place where his fate was sealed…” Jensen’s breath hitched in his throat, “The place where he met me.”


	27. Home is Where the Heart isn't

Jared didn’t know how he ended up where he did. His feet just kind of, took him there. To be honest, he isn’t very surprised. It was his heart, not his head, that brought him to the Starbucks on Broadway. The place where he first met Jensen. The place where he had experienced some of the happiest moments of his life. 

He hadn’t been there in years, but nothing about the shop had changed, save for the employees. There was still the booth in the back, where he and Jensen would spend hours talking over their lattes; the dark blue rug that housed the "Reading Corner"; the bookshelf that covered a wall of the shop, full of an endless array of fictional masterpieces. He remembered pulling _Leaves of Grass_ off of the shelf one day and reading it with Jensen all afternoon, both of them skipping class to be with each other. 

Jared solemnly smiled to himself, finding a bizarre comfort in the fact that his life had become very similar to a collection of poems; each day he donned different sentiment. Each day he had a different story to tell. There was so much grief, angst, and sadness in his life, he was sure he had enough material to write his own novel. After all, he once heard that sadness inspired the best poetry. 

Jared walked over to the booth and promptly sat down, letting himself sink down into the cushion. Though it was a little after eleven thirty, there was still a considerable amount of people loitering around the shop. Some looked like they were on dates, some looked like they were studying, and some —like Jared— looked hopeless and tired. 

He wiped his right hand over his face, letting it come to a stop over his mouth. He could feel himself beginning to cry, but he didn’t want anyone to hear, or notice, him. So when Jared silently began to sob into his hand, he sunk further down into the chair. 

He couldn’t understand why he felt so bad. After having so many good days; after coming back to New York; after finally seeing his daughter again… After all of that, his depression still managed to crawl back into his psyche.

He and Jensen wouldn’t be having any more children. It was a fact; a fact that Jared was now okay with. However, what he wasn’t okay with, was the fact that his illness had taken five years of his life away from him... and almost ended it on numerous occasions.

Jared felt as though his depression had managed to ruin everything good in his life, leaving only the bad behind, to haunt him and leave him feeling worthless. 

His depression had ruined his marriage. No matter how supportive Jensen was, Jared knew there was no way he could fix everything he managed to damage. His depression was like a hurricane, sweeping up everything he ever cared about, and only leaving a disastrous mess in its wake. And what hurt the most was that he felt helpless…he could see himself hurting everyone around him, but there was nothing he could do about it. His depression controlled him. It hindered his ability to love and feel loved. It subdued his fervor for life and his affection for his family. 

He was once a flame; bright, warm, burning, dancing, and full of life. But now he was smoke; gray, cold, and dissipating…wasting away. And he didn’t know what to do anymore. He was lost. He was just so lost, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be found. 

“Why?” Jared whispered through his sobs. He didn’t know whom he was speaking to. God? The Fates? The voice inside his head? 

He continued to cry into his hands. “Why? Why don’t I know who I am anymore? How have I forgotten who I am?” He lifted his hand off of his mouth, and though he continued to sob, he also continued to speak. “I am my depression. My depression is me. And it just isn’t fair.” 

Jared placed his head on the table, using his hands as a pillow. He figured he could cry himself to sleep like a child, sad and alone in the back booth of a Starbucks. But as he adjusted his hands underneath his head, his fingers grazed over a series of ridges. 

He lifted his head and hands in order to see what he had stumbled upon. And when he saw it, he swore his heart stopped beating. 

There –etched into the corner of the table— was a small heart, within which was one simple message: _J 2 Forever._ 

J 2. Jared and Jensen. Jenny and Jay. _Forever_. 

Jared remembered the exact moment it happened. He remembered holding his –then- fiancé’s hand. Kissing Jensen and tasting the flavor of his vanilla latte on his tongue. Scooping whipped cream off of his own latte and whipping it on Jensen’s nose. 

He remembered the moment Jensen took a pen out of his pocket, and etched the heart into the table. He remembered promising Jensen forever. He remembered Jensen saying it back. He remembered the mind-blowing sex they had that night. 

It was then that Jared stopped crying; when he remembered being young, and happy, and…and being in love. 

As he traced the heart, he replayed the memories back in his head. He could see himself smiling, and he knew that _yes_ , _once_ he was in love with Jensen; with the idea of spending the rest of what he imagined would be a long and happy life with his best friend by his side…but now…things were different. An unwelcomed guest had intruded on their perfect lives…and Jared feared that guest would reside within him forever. 

 _Forever._  

It was no longer a word Jared liked to hear. 

“Why?” Jared whispered again, finally letting his head fall back onto the table. He closed his eyes and tried to let himself drift to sleep, but thoughts of Jensen’s smiling face, and broken promises clouded his vision. However, once he felt himself approaching some resemblance of sleep, he was immediately pulled back to Earth. 

“Sir.” A gentle voice whispered.

Jared groaned and picked his head up from the table. There was a pretty blonde barista looking down at him. “Huh?” Jared breathed. 

“Sir I’m sorry…but you can’t sleep here.” She said sincerely. 

“Oh…I…” Jared mumbled. 

“If you buy a coffee you can stay. At least, for a while.” She smiled.

“Ummm…okay.” Jared said groggily. He began to get up from the bench, but as his hand grazed his pocket he remembered that he had left all of his possessions back at the Collins’ townhouse. “Shit.” He whispered. 

“No cash?” The waitress asked, an earnest look of realization dawning on her face. 

Jared sighed, “Yeah. Don’t worry about it. I was just leaving anyway.” 

“I’m sorry.” The barista exhaled as Jared slowly slid out of the booth. “There’s a shelter a few blocks away if you need a place to stay.” She offered. 

“I’m not—” Jared began to say, but he stopped himself. He knew what he must have looked like; red eyes, scarred wrists, long, messy hair, and no money to his name. 

"Thanks." He sighed, deciding to forgo any explanation.

“No problem.” The barista smiled. She proceeded to pull a coffee cozy and a pen out of her pocket, writing something on the cardboard before handing it to Jared. “St. Michael's…it’s a men’s shelter off of 30th. I used to volunteer there.” 

Jared gave her a weak smile before placing the cozy in his pocket. He nodded to the barista before heading out of the shop. 

Once he was outside, hair blowing in the cool March wind, Jared pulled the cozy out of his pocket and looked at the address. 

Jensen would never find him there. Jared would disappear in a sea of unfortunate souls just like himself. And sure, Jensen would look, but he would never find him…and then he would have to move on. They both had to move on, for everyone’s sake.

Depression was Jared’s own battle to fight, and he was tired of the casualties whose lives had been sacrificed for the sake of keeping him sane. 

So he closed his eyes, took a deep breath of less-than-pleasant Manhattan air, and nodded to himself, convinced he was doing the right thing… for himself, for Jensen, for Lilly…for everyone. He was going to disappear.

He only managed to walk a few blocks before he began to feel tired. Unusually tired. And it was then that he remembered he had forgotten to eat anything that day. He’d been to anxious to concentrate on anything, let alone hold any food down. On top of that, he had lied awake for the past two nights, hardly getting more than two hours of sleep…though of course he hadn’t told Jensen. 

But he kept walking anyway; kept pushing. And when he hit the twelfth block mark, Jared felt his knees give way beneath him. 

And then he felt himself falling. 

But his world went black before he hit the ground.

***********

 

“Jay!” Jensen bellowed as he burst through a familiar set of double doors. “Jay? Are you in here!” The doors swung shut behind him, and the Starbuck’s patrons immediately turned their attention towards him and Misha. Having taken the subway and run eleven blocks to get there, they were breathless and desperate to find the man they had been looking for. 

“You take that side. I’ll take this side.” Jensen directed. Misha nodded and began moving, scanning through the small sea of customers. 

Jensen headed straight over to the booth… _their booth_. The only place it made sense for Jared to be. But he wasn’t there. 

“Fuck.” Jensen exhaled, on the brink of tears. He brought his hands to his head in desperation and took a deep breath. “Goddamn it Jay. Goddamn it! Where the hell are you baby?” 

Jensen felt a strong hand on his shoulder. “I couldn’t find him.” Misha said solemnly. 

“I was so sure.” Jensen heaved, trying to hold back the tears that were already falling. “Meesh I was so damn sure…” He paused, “If he isn’t here…I—I don’t know… I don’t know where…” 

Misha rubbed his shoulder. “It’s going to be alright. We’ll find him Jen. We’ll find him.” 

Jensen started to cry then, no longer sure of anything at all. “I need him Meesh. I need him! I need him! He’s my everything!” Jensen’s tears rushed down his face and he shook his head as he cried, “I don’t want to lose him.”

“You wont.” Misha reassured his friend, pulling him into a hug. “We’ll find him.” 

Misha could hear customers whispering around him, wondering what was going on; whether or not the two men were rehearsing a scene in a play…or if they were downright crazy.

“Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.” A barista noted as she made her way over to the two men, “Is everything alright?” 

“No!” Jensen turned away from Misha and looked at the barista. “Everything is far from alright!” 

Misha looked over at his distressed friend before he too, turned his attention on the barista. “I’m sorry.” Misha sighed, “We’re just, looking for someone. We thought he would be here.” 

“Oh.” The barista nodded, “Well—“ 

“Have you seen a man, yay high?” Misha continued, raising his hand above his head to demonstrate Jared’s height. “Long brown hair? Green eyes?” He paused, “Scars…scars on his wrists?” He pulled up a picture of Jared on his phone and showed it to the barista. 

Immediately, her eyes lit up, though her facial expression was one of befuddlement. “The homeless guy?” She offered. 

“ _Homeless guy_? What?” Misha crinkled his nose.

“That guy in the picture? The homeless guy?” She offered.

Jensen grabbed the phone from Misha’s hands and stared at the picture he had pulled up. It was one of Jared from a few years back, playing with West and Lilly in a sandbox. All three of them were smiling. 

Jensen’s heart sank. “That’s not a _homeless guy!_ ” He bellowed, “That’s my husband!” 

The barista’s eyes grew even larger. “ _Your husband_?” She said in disbelief, “I’m sorry I thought—“ 

“Was he here?” Jensen interrupted. 

“Yeah” The barista nodded, “Yeah, he was here earlier.” 

“Where’d he go?” Jensen asked. 

“Well I thought he was homeless…so I gave him the address to a shelter.” The barista explained. 

“Which one?” Misha asked. 

“St. Michael’s.” 

“How long ago did he leave?” Jensen asked urgently. 

“Twenty? Maybe twenty five minutes ago?” The barista supposed. 

“He can’t be that far.” Misha stated. He looked back at the barista and thanked her but when he turned to speak to Jensen, he was already making his way towards the door. “Jensen!” Misha called, running after his best friend. 

Jensen ran. He ran until he couldn’t feel his feet anymore. He ran until he was no longer running…he was flying. 

He was Superman. 

“I’m going to save my fucking husband.” Jensen huffed as he ran through the crowded streets, with Misha struggling to keep up behind him. “I’m going to save him Misha. Even if it kills me. I swear to God I’m going to save him.”

But Jensen was running so fast that he didn’t notice it. He didn’t notice the crowd gathered in the street. He didn’t notice the ambulance. He didn’t notice his husband being carried away on a stretcher. 

He didn’t notice. 

Though Jared was the only thing on his mind. The only thing he was thinking of. The only thing he had his sights set on... Jensen failed to see that Jared was right in front of him. 

So, Jensen kept running, and Misha kept following.

All with the hope that Jared kept breathing.


	28. Hiccups

“Jen, I don’t know what to say.” Misha breathed, “There’s no way Jay’s here. We’ve been looking for hours.” 

Misha sighed as they walked through the halls of St. Michael’s for what must have been the fourth time since they had gotten there. In the span of three hours, they had searched every corridor of the shelter, overturned every bed, and checked every nook and cranny multiple times, yet they hadn’t come across anyone that even slightly resembled Jared. 

“I know he’s here Meesh.” Jensen exhaled. He ran his hands through his hair as he scanned through the large room they were currently loitering in. “He has to be.” 

Misha patted his best friend on the shoulder. “Jen—” 

“No Misha.” Jensen shrugged Misha’s hand away. “I’m—I’m gunna keep looking. You don’t have to stay with me. You can go home. Really.” 

“I’m not going to leave you, Jen.” Misha assured him, “I’m just saying, we’ve turned this place inside out, and there’s been no sign of him…” Misha paused, “Why don’t we try looking somewhere else?” 

Jensen looked at Misha, his eyes tearing up for what must have been the hundredth time in the past three hours, “I don’t know where else to look.” 

There was a look of utter desperation on Jensen’s face that Misha couldn’t manage to shake away. His best friend had been though so much…carried so much on his shoulders… and he could see how large of an affect Jared’s illness was having on his friend. The crinkles by his eyes had become more pronounced, along with the bags beneath them. All those years of struggle and strife had really taken a toll on Jensen. 

“We’ll find him, Jen.” Misha stated, “But we sure as hell won’t find him here. So c’mon buddy. Let’s get out of here. Let’s keep looking.” 

Jensen nodded and his face quickly turned from one of sadness to complete stoicism. “I’m going to find him.” He sniffled once and turned around before proceeding to silently make his way back to the lobby of the shelter. 

Again, Misha followed him in stride, walking side by side with his best friend as they walked out of the shelter’s main doors and back out into the crisp Manhattan evening. 

The cool air dried the tears on Jensen’s face, but he didn’t bother wiping away the new ones that continued to fall. 

“My heart aches for you two.” Misha whispered, as they continued to walk into the night. He had no idea where Jensen was leading them, but he followed without asking any questions. “My heart aches for two smiling twenty-six-year-old men. My two best friends, smiling on their wedding day. Who had smiled every day before that, and never thought they would stop.” Misha whispered.

Jensen stayed silent. Internal. Not saying a word as he put one foot in front of the other. All he wanted to do was find his husband and hug him. And kiss him. And tell him that no matter what, everything would be all right. Because more than anything, he wanted that to be true. 

Misha continued to speak, “I know you wish you knew how to fix this, Jen.” Misha looked over at his best friend, but Jensen continued to face forward as they walked, “But you have to remember…we’re lawyers, not fucking psychiatrists. So it’s okay if you can’t fix him…It’s okay.” 

It took Misha a moment to notice, but amidst their —one sided— conversation, Jensen had stopped walking. “Jen—” Misha sighed, turning around in order to face Jensen, who was now a few paces behind him. 

Jensen stood in the middle of the sidewalk with his hands in his coat pockets, eyes fixed straight ahead as though he was in a daze. 

“The love of my life, doesn’t love me back.” Jensen deadpanned, still looking forward; staring right through his friend. “He stuck a knife in my chest, and with every passing, _loveless_ , moment…he shoves it in deeper and deeper into my heart.” Jensen inhaled, “He is bleeding me dry. My pockets…my passion…my everything.” 

People in the street were starting to stare, but Jensen didn’t give a damn. He just hung his head, and whispered his next sentence to the pavement. “But even if he leaves me empty…even if there’s nothing left of what we once had…” Jensen looked up at his friend, crying once again.

“I know I’ll never stop loving him.” Jensen placed his loosely-closed fist over his stomach, almost as if he felt sick. “Jared is my core…my center. And I’ll give him every drop of love I have… _everything_ I have…as long as, at the end of the day, Jared loves himself.” 

Misha took a few steps towards Jensen, lessening the bit of space between them.

“I don’t need him to love me.” Jensen shook his head, “I don’t need that…I just need him to love _himself_.” 

With that, Misha closed the space between them and enveloped his best friend in a tight hug. 

“The world needs more men like you, Jensen Ackles.” Misha proclaimed as he hugged his friend. “It really does.” 

Misha was in awe of his best friend. Even in the face of so much hurt, and pain, and calamity, Jensen could still manage to put his husband first. Jensen was willing to sacrifice everything, including his own health, in order to guarantee Jared’s. 

As Misha held Jensen close, he felt something vibrate in Jensen’s jacket pocket. 

“Jen I think your phone’s buzzing.” Misha noted, backing away from his friend. 

Jensen sighed as he patted himself down, and when he finally managed to pull out his cell phone, he looked at it quickly before showing it to Misha with a confused look on his face. It was an incoming call from an unknown number. 

“Answer it.” Misha said hastily. 

He didn’t think Jensen reacted quickly enough, so he took the phone from Jensen’s hands and immediately answered the call before it had a chance to go to voicemail. 

“Hello?” Misha breathed. 

“Is this Mr. Ackles?” An official-sounding voice inquired. 

“Yes, this is Mr. Ackles speaking.” Misha lied.

Jensen shot him a perplexed look and reached for his phone, but Misha swatted his hand away. Based on the fact that it was after three in the morning, Misha figured it would either be a prank call, or be a call about Jared. And something of the sort would best be handled if it went through him first. Jensen’s mind was still pretty clouded, so whatever news was going to come from the other side of the phone, Misha knew he could handle it better. 

“May I ask who’s calling?” Misha continued. 

“This is Doctor Aarons from Mt. Sinai Hospital. We believe your husband has just been admitted here.” He paused, “A Mister, Jared Ackles, I believe.”

“Yes. Yes that’s my husband.” Misha said hesitantly.

“What’s going on?” Jensen huffed, but Misha held up a finger, signaling for him to wait. But of course, Jensen couldn’t, so he snatched the phone out of Misha’s hand and put it on speaker. 

As a result of their tryst, they missed some of the doctor’s words. “No identification. No wallet. Nothing whatsoever.” Dr. Aarons continued, “But when he woke from his comatose state he gave us this number. He told us to call his husband, which I can now confirm you are.” 

“Comatose state?” Jensen blurted out in shock, quickly placing a hand over his mouth.

“Yes.” Dr. Aaron continued, completely unaware that he was talking to two different people. “Your husband fainted, well…collapsed is more like it…near 20th.” 

“What?” Jensen and Misha both said at the same time. Jensen gave Misha a stern look. He would be the one doing the rest of the talking. 

“I’m sorry I think our connection is spotty.” The Doctor claimed. 

Jensen ignored him, “He collapsed?” Jensen asked. 

“Yes. Your husband hasn’t eaten in days, or slept, it seems.” Dr. Aarons paused, “We also found Venlafaxine, and Fluoxetine in his system.” 

“He suffers from major depression.” Jensen stated abruptly. “He was on Prozac but just started taking Effexor a week ago.” 

“That was my next question.” The Doctor continued, “There were scars on his wrists.”

“Just scars?” Jensen asked worriedly, “Nothing new?” 

“No. Nothing new, however—“ 

“Is he okay?” Jensen interjected.

“Umm, yes. But—“ 

“Thank God.” Jensen breathed, “I’m on my way there.”

“Mr. Ackles there’s something you should know—” 

Jensen was no longer listening. He ended the call without a thought and began walking in the direction of the hospital.

“Jen, what?” Misha huffed as he walked alongside his friend. “The doctor wasn’t finished talking!” 

“I don’t give a flying fuck, Meesh.” Jensen continued to walk. A small smile crept at the edges of his lips. “Jay is okay. I have to get to him. Any and _all_ questions can wait!” 

“Okay.” Misha exhaled. “But maybe we should call a cab.” He couldn’t deny he was a little winded. The entire evening had been like chasing West and Maison around the house, but rather than doing it for a few minutes, Misha had been doing it for hours. Jensen was running on adrenalin. Misha was running on the coffee he drank to sober himself up at eleven o’clock that evening. 

Jensen put a finger to his chin and tapped it twice. “Good idea.” He hummed before sharply sticking his hand out into the street. 

A cab came around the corner, and they were in it, and on their way to the hospital within minutes.

And as they sat in the back of the cab, Jensen writhed in his seat. “I need to see him.” Jensen mumbled. His knee bounced up and down, and he was unable to keep himself still. “I need to see him…hold him.” Jensen breathed. 

“You will.” Misha reassured him. “The doctor said he was fine.” He placed a hand on Jensen’s knee in a failed attempt to stop it from shaking.

“God, I just want this to be over.” Jensen said, bringing his hands to his face. “I’m going to buy tickets for the first flight home, and he’s going to finish his treatments.” Jensen sighed. 

“It’ll be alright.” Misha exhaled. 

“Will it be?” Jensen looked up at his friend, “He’s had seven treatments Meesh. He only has three more left…three more chances to get things right again.”

Misha just patted Jensen’s knee and gave him a reassuring smile. “It’ll be alright.” He repeated. Jensen rested his head on Misha’s shoulder, and they sat in silence for the remainder of the drive. 

By the time they got to the hospital, Jensen was fast asleep and Misha had to shake him awake. 

“Jen.” Misha whispered, “Jen wake up, we’re here.”

“Huh?” Jensen mumbled as he lifted his head off of Misha’s shoulder. 

“We’re here.” Misha repeated. 

Suddenly it was as if Jensen had caught a second wind. He wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth, handed the cab driver $30, and jumped out of the cab. 

“Jesus, Jen.” Misha huffed. He collected the change from the cab driver and followed Jensen out of the cab. “I don’t remember you ever mentioning that you ran track in high school.” 

“I didn’t.” Jensen smiled back at Misha as they made their way into the hospital. 

When they got to the front desk, Jensen eagerly asked the receptionist, “I just got a call from Dr. Aarons. He said my husband, Jared Ackles, has been admitted here.” 

The receptionist languidly typed something into her keyboard before looking up at Jensen. “That’s correct.” The receptionist nodded, “He’s on the fifth floor. Room 538. Dr. Aarons is actually there right now, if you’d like to head on up there. The elevators are off to your right.” She said as she pointed Jensen and Misha toward a set of elevators on the other side of the lobby. 

“C’mon Meesh.” Jensen said, as he made his way toward the elevators. 

“Right behind you buddy.” Misha called. He found Jensen’s worried excitement to be quite endearing. Jensen couldn’t wait to see Jared, because this time, he knew Jared was okay. And it must have been the first time in a long time that Jensen wasn’t fearful for his husband’s life upon entering a hospital.

When they entered the elevator, Jensen pressed the button for the fifth floor then proceeded to frantically push the door-close button. “C’mon. C’mon.” Jensen said as he hopped on his toes. He let out a hushed squeal once the doors began to close.

When they got off of the elevator, Jensen headed straight towards the receptionist’s desk.

“My name is Jensen Ackles. My husband, Jared Ackles, has just been admitted here. I’ve been told he’s in room 538 and I don’t plan on waiting…I’d like to see him right now please.” Jensen spoke at a mile a minute. 

“I have to page Dr. Aarons first to make sure your husband can have visitors.” The receptionist explained.

“I’m not just a visitor.” Jensen huffed. 

“Sir—” 

“I would like to see my husband, _please_.” Jensen said anxiously.

“Look.” Misha explained, placing a hand on the receptionist’s desk before she had a chance to respond to Jensen. “We’ve already had a really rough evening…Now, I can wait out here, but _please_ …just let him see his husband. Dr. Aarons called us directly.” 

The receptionist sighed and typed something into her computer. “Show me some ID, and you can meet Dr. Aarons at room 538.” She explained as she looked at Jensen. He frantically pulled his wallet out of his coat pocket and shoved it in the receptionists face. 

“Can I go now?” Jensen pleaded. 

The receptionist nodded, “Go right ahead.” She said, pointing in the direction of the room.

Jensen turned to Misha, who instructed him to “Go!” before heading toward Jared’s room. There was an older man wearing a white medical coat waiting out front, and he was writing something on a pad of paper when Jensen stopped in front of him. 

“Dr. Aarons?” Jensen asked. 

The doctor looked up at Jensen over the rim of his glasses, “I assume you must be Mr. Ackles.” 

Jensen nodded.

“There’s something we should discuss before you see your husband.” The doctor proposed.

“Can it wait until after?” Jensen begged, “Please? I’m exhausted and all I want is to see my husband.” 

Dr. Aarons gave him a sincere look before nodding, “He’s awake now. You can go on in, but I’d still like to talk to you later.” 

“Sure.” Jensen nodded again and wasted no time pulling the door open and making his way into the room. 

“Thank god. Thank fucking God.” Jensen breathed as he ran into Jared’s hospital room. He immediately made his way over to his husband –who was sitting on a cot— and grabbed his face, covering him in kisses. 

After placing a loving kiss upon Jared’s lips, Jensen asked, “Hey baby, how are you feeling?” 

Rather than reply with words, Jared just looked up at Jensen and began to whimper. Tear after tear began relentlessly falling down his face. 

“Shh, Shh. I’m here Jay. Don’t worry. I’m here.” Jensen said as he brushed Jared’s hair behind his ears. “I’m here.” He repeated.

No one said depression was pretty, and if anything, that was confirmed in that moment, when Jensen laid eyes upon his husband. 

Jared was crying hard, snot and tears mixing as they made their way down his face. “I don’t know what to do anymore Jenny. I just don’t know what to do.” He looked up at his husband and continued to weep. “I feel horrible…and _sick_ …physically and emotionally.” He paused, “Jenny I haven’t been able to keep food down for days…I’ve been feeling nauseous for months, and it just keeps getting worse.” 

“Scoot over.” Jensen instructed, and Jared sluggishly complied, giving his husband room to climb into the cot with him. Jensen pulled Jared towards his chest and proceeded to wrap his arms around his husband, as tightly as he could, because he was afraid to let go of him, in more ways than one. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this way?” Jensen exhaled.

“I didn’t want you to worry about me.” Jared sniffled. “So much for that…” 

“Baby.” Jensen breathed, trying to hold back his own tears as he dug his face into Jared’s hair. “It’s okay. It’s one bad day…one low. Relapses happen…it’s a part of the journey. It won’t last forever.” 

“But it feels like it Jenny.” Jared said, backing away from his husband’s chest, but staying wrapped in his arms. “I feel so much worse now. So much worse than I’ve felt in a long time…I feel like in one day I’ve undone five months of treatments.” He cried, “After all those good days…one bad day feels all the more worse. I feel like I’ve taken ten thousand steps back…like I’m right back at the start.” 

“But that’s the thing Jay.” Jensen breathed, “It’s okay if you’re back at the start, we’ll power through it. You’re strong enough to beat this.” Jensen paused. “Look…you went back to the place where this all started…and maybe that’s the point. Maybe we can start again.” 

Jared shook his head. “I thought going there would make me feel happy again.” He bellowed, “But it didn’t. I’m sad Jenny. I’m so fucking sad. Because today you told me how much I hurt you…and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to fix _us_ … I don’t know how to make anything better.” 

“You don’t have to know, Jay. I don’t know either. It’s not your fault…it’s neither of our faults. But I still love you. Even if you can’t find it in you to love yourself, or me, back.” Jensen breathed, “I love you and we’ll get through this.”

“I want to love you Jenny. More than I even want to love myself. I really do.” Jared took a deep breath in an attempt to subdue his tears, but he failed to stop them from falling. “And I know you mean well, but no amount of love is going to fix me.” He sobbed, “And as much as you want to…or _I_ want you to… you cant just throw a blanket of love over me and hope my depression disappears under it.” Jared paused. “You can’t just love this away…And—and I need you to understand that you can’t help me.” 

“Jay—“ 

“No, Jensen. You can’t—you can’t help me.” Jared stuttered, “You can’t help me but you can be there for me when I need you.” 

Again, Jensen found himself regretting the majority of the choices he had made that evening. 

“Tonight I made a mistake, and I know it. I should I have been there.” Jensen explained. “I shouldn’t have gotten drunk…I shouldn’t have taken my feelings out on you.” 

“You mean, you shouldn’t have told me the truth?” Jared sighed and looked up at his husband. 

“Yes.” Jensen said matter-of-factly, “I shouldn’t have told you the truth, because you weren’t ready to hear it.” 

Jared was silent for a moment before whispering, “Fair enough.” 

“But don’t be mistaken.” Jensen clarified, “I’m here for you, Jay. I’ll be here when you’re happy. I’ll be here when you’re sad. I’ll be here when you’re tired, and you’re hurting…I’ll be here for it all and I always will be.” 

Jared squeezed Jensen tight, fingers latching on to his husband’s arms. “I don’t want to die…but I’ve forgotten how to live.” Jared wept. “I’ve forgotten how to love…” 

Jensen combed Jared’s hair with his fingers. “I will love you unconditionally. No matter whether or not you can feel it. I’ll do whatever I can to remind you how love feels…how it feels to be loved.” Jensen sniffled. 

“I can see it” Jared sighed, “The things you do for me…your patience…your dedication…” Jared hiccupped. “Even though I can’t give it back right now…I know. Okay? I know you care about me. _“Love me.”_ ” He paused. “Hopefully one day…soon, I can show you that I love you back.” 

Jensen pulled his husband back towards his chest. “Your depression is the enemy, okay. Not you. Not me. _We_ aren’t the ones hurting each other. It’s this illness, Jay. We can’t let it tear you apart…tear _us_ apart.” Jensen sighed, “We can beat this, baby.”

“How?” Jared sniffled. 

“Persistence?” Jensen proposed. “We’ll just keep doing what we’ve been doing. You’ll continue your treatments. We’ll figure it out. Somehow.” 

There was a knock on the door and Dr. Aarons walked into the room, sadly smiling at the sight of the two husbands who were sharing the cot in front of him. 

“Jared’s vitals are fine.” The doctor proclaimed, “He should be ready to get out of here after one more test.” 

“Another test?” Jensen asked. 

“Yes.” Dr. Aarons cleared his throat, “I was trying to explain it to you over the phone...and again moments ago, but…” He stared at Jensen from above the rim of his glasses. 

“I’m sorry about that.” Jensen apologized. 

“All is well. I understand your excitement.” The doctor waved a hand at him, “But this is something I would have liked to discuss before your arrival.” 

“We can discuss it now, then.” Jensen supposed.

“I would like to speak to you, alone, if possible.” Dr. Aarons suggested. 

Jared looked up at his husband before turning to Dr. Aarons. “Is there something wrong with me?” Jared asked, clinging to Jensen’s side. 

“Mr. Ackles.” Dr. Aarons said, looking directly at Jensen, “Please.”

Jensen took Jared’s face in his hand and turned it towards him, “I’ll be right back, okay. I’m sure you’re alright.” He placed a gentle kiss on Jared’s lips and proceeded to get off of the cot. “I’ll be right back.” He repeated before following Dr. Aarons out of the room. 

Once they were out in the hallway, Jensen turned towards Dr. Aarons. He placed his hands across his chest in frustrated confusion before asking, “So what’s this all about? What's the other test?”

“Has your husband told you about his nausea?” Dr. Aarons asked. 

“Yeah, just now.” Jensen huffed. 

“Just now?” Dr. Aarons asked in confusion.

“Yeah.” Jensen sighed, “Jared’s always been really good at hiding things.” 

“Apparently so.” Dr. Aarons exhaled. "We don't really have to run another test on your husband...we already ran it, and it just confirmed what we were expecting."

“What do you mean?” Jensen squinted. 

“Are you aware that your husband is four months pregnant?” 

Jensen felt his knees go weak, and he held on to a nearby doorframe in order to keep himself from collapsing. “Ex—excuse me.” Jensen breathed.

“Your husband is four months pregnant.” Dr. Aarons repeated. 

Jensen shook his head in disbelief, “What kind of sick joke is this?”

Doctor Aarons looked at Jensen over the brim of his glasses again, “Joke? Mr. Ackles, I can assure you I’m not joking.”

Jensen just continued to shake his head. “My husband…my husband terminated his last pregnancy three months ago.” Jensen whispered harshly. This must have been some kind of cruel joke.

“I suspected that.” Dr. Aarons explained. “I tried to tell you earlier…Your husband must have been pregnant with twins prior to the partial termination of his pregnancy. It’s not abnormal, and it’s incredibly easy to miss in cases such as your husbands.” 

“Partial termination? Cases such as my husbands?” Jensen pondered in disbelief. 

“Yes. You see, the ECT can alter the appearance of an ultrasound. And though it does not happen often, it’s possible to miss a second fetus.” Dr. Aarons paused, “Though the maturation of one twin was halted, I can assure you…there’s still a maturing fetus present in your husband’s womb.” 

Jensen looked at him, eyes agog, and mouth agape. “No! I don’t believe you!” Jensen howled. 

Dr. Aarons pulled out a manila envelope and reached inside, “Take a look.” He said as he removed the contents of the envelope. It was an ultrasound. And sure enough, there was a clear outline of a fetus. “Now, I don’t believe your husband is even aware of this.” Dr. Aarons continued, “When we asked him about any pre-existing conditions, he didn’t mention a pregnancy.”

“I—I….I don’t understand.” Jensen cried. “This doesn’t make any sense.” 

“It’s a miracle.” Dr. Aarons smiled as he patted Jensen on the shoulder.

“No. No its not.” Jensen shook his head. “This is far— _far_ away from being a miracle.” 

“More children survive ECT than you would think. So if you’re worried about losing this baby…you shouldn’t be.” 

“But his doctor back home…“ Jensen trailed off.

“Some doctors advise not to continue treatments, others are in support of the risk. I happen to be the latter…because the risk is very minimal, I assure you.” Dr. Aarons explained. 

“I just…” Jensen shook his head, “We said we were done. We said we were done having babies…” 

“It’s too late to terminate this pregnancy.” Dr. Aarons sighed. “And I’ve read through your husbands medical history. Due to your husband’s past with infertility…I say, what is there to lose?” 

Too much was going on inside of Jensen’s head. All of his thoughts were clouded and crowded, rapidly becoming a jumbled up mess as he tried to put two and two together.

“You don’t understand.” Jensen began to panic, “If Jared loses this baby…he’ll—he’ll kill himself.” 

Dr. Aarons gave Jensen a serious look, his face becoming void of anything but sincerity. “I’ll call Dr. Richardson and talk to him. We’ll do everything in our power not to have that happen.” He breathed, “All we want is for you to have a healthy baby boy, and a healthy husband.” 

Jensen felt his heart skip a beat, “A—a boy?” He bellowed. 

“Oh my. I’m so sorry, I forgot to ask.” Dr. Aarons apologized. 

“I—I just.” Jensen choked on his words. “That’s—that’s all…” He let himself slide down the wall he was leaning against, until he finally crumbled to the floor. “That’s all I want...” Jensen cried, referring to the possibility of having his husband return to his healthy, vivacious, self. “That’s all we’ve ever wanted.” He cried, now referring to the child growing inside of his husband’s stomach. 

Dr. Aarons crouched down in front of Jensen, “Would you like to be alone for a moment.”

Jensen shook his head, but his tearful hiccups broke his words, “Can—can you call my brother.” Jensen hiccuped. He needed his best friend, and he needed him now. “He’s—he’s in…in the waiting room.” 

“The fellow in the trench coat?” Dr. Aarons asked. 

Jensen nodded and continued to cry. 

“I’ll go get him.” Dr. Aarons affirmed as he stood up. 

Soon, Misha replaced Dr. Aarons place on the ground in front of Jensen. 

“Hey, Jen. What’s wrong?” Misha asked sincerely. “Is Jared okay? I thought he was okay?”

“He’s fine.” Jensen hiccupped. 

“Okay, then why—”

“He’s pregnant Meesh.” Jensen bellowed, “He’s fucking pregnant. And it’s a fucking boy.”

Misha’s mouth hung open. He didn’t know whether to cry, or cheer, or do some sort of confused mixture of the two. “What? How is that possible?” Misha breathed. 

“Apparently Jay was having t—twins.” Jensen sniffled, “And I guess they missed one.”

“Oh my god.” Misha breathed, “Oh my god.” 

“I don’t know what to do, Meesh.” Jensen sobbed, “It’s all too much…It’s just…the absolute worst time for the absolute best thing to happen.”

Misha scooted next to Jensen and pulled him close. Jensen had gone from being the comforter to the dependent in only a matter of minutes.

“Does Jared know about this?” Misha asked. 

“No. He doesn’t know…” Jensen wept, “And I don’t know what he’ll do when he finds out.”

Misha rubbed his friend’s back in an effort to console him, “It’ll be alright Jen.” Misha breathed, “You and Jared are going to have the son you always dreamed of having. It’s finally going to happen. I can feel it.” Misha continued, “And Jared is going to be okay. He’ll finish his treatments, and he’ll be okay.” 

“I just want Jay to be okay.” Jensen sobbed, “I just want—I need him to be okay.”

Misha held Jensen close, and let him cry into the fabric of his trench coat until Dr. Aarons came back around.

“I hate that I have to do this to you.” Dr. Aarons sighed, squatting down in front of Jensen and Misha, “But we need to discharge your husband…and in order to do that, we need to prescribe him pre-natal vitamins. And in order to do _that_ , your husband needs to know that he’s pregnant.” Dr. Aarons paused, “And I imagine you would like to be the one to do the honors.” 

Jensen turned his face away from Misha’s side in order to face the doctor. “N-now?” he asked wearily. 

Dr. Aarons looked down at his watch before looking back at Jensen and giving him an unsteady smile, “I can buy you another ten minutes.” 

“Th-thank you.” Jensen snuffled. 

Dr. Aarons stood pack up and walked down the hallway.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Jensen turned toward his friend and asked, “What the fuck am I supposed to do Meesh? How do I tell Jay he has to go through _another_ pregnancy?” 

“It’s a pregnancy, not a death sentence.” Misha exhaled.

“They’ve been pretty synonymous for us.” Jensen breathed deeply in an attempt to calm himself down and stop his tears from falling.

“Tell him what the doctor said. Tell him that this time, the odds are in your favor.” Misha supposed. “Tell him you’ll be here for him.”

“But I did that!” 

“Then don’t ever stop.” Misha directed, “Keep telling him you’ll be there. Tell him that this is the miracle you’ve been waiting for…we need him to try and love the life that is growing inside of him, because it’s going to be far too easy for him to dismiss it.” Misha paused, “Because when your baby is born –and it _will_ be born…we need him to be welcomed by two parents who love him unconditionally.”

“How do I convince Jared to love this baby when he’ll probably believe it's going to die?” Jensen inhaled, on the edge of crying again, “How to I get him to love this baby, when he doesn’t even love himself?”

“One step at a time, Jen.” Misha breathed. “One step at a time.” He repeated. “Tell Jay the news…then concentrate on him. Concentrate on getting him better. Go home. Finish his treatments…and we’ll work from there.”

Jensen exhaled, and inhaled sharply, completely unaware that he had forgotten to breathe. “I know I say it all the time Meesh.” Jensen sighed, “But thanks for sticking around.”

“Oh, you’re stuck with me, buddy.” Misha smiled and pulled Jensen in for another hug when he spotted Dr. Aarons coming their way. 

“It’s the moment of truth.” Misha murmured, “Are you ready?” He stood up and offered his hand out to Jensen, who hesitantly took it before standing up as well.

“As I’ll ever be.” Jensen took another deep breath and turned towards the doctor. 

“Alright Mr. Ackles. It’s time.” Dr. Aarons declared. “Follow me.” 

Jensen nodded his head and looked over to Misha –who was giving him two thumbs up, paired with his crinkle-nosed smile—, before taking a deep breath, and following Dr. Aarons into Jared’s hospital room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like where the story is headed!  
> As usual, comments are incredibly appreciated :)


	29. Red Alert: Abort Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There is some blood and self-harm in this chapter.

“Why were you out there for so long? Am I okay? What’s wrong?” Jared immediately asked once Jensen had entered the room. 

Before Jensen could approach Jared’s bedside, Dr. Aarons pulled Jensen back and whispered, “I’m going to give you a few minutes to speak with him alone…then I’ll come back and we can further discuss what comes next. Sound alright to you?” 

Jensen nodded, and Dr. Aarons left the room. 

“Jenny…” Jared beseeched. “Where’s he going?” 

There was an unnerving silence in the room as Jensen approached Jared’s bedside, but upon getting there Jensen grabbed his husband’s hand, and rubbed this thumb along the back of Jared’s hand as he began to speak. “Don’t worry. You’re fine, Jay…In fact, you’re better than fine.” Jensen breathed, continuing to drag his thumb along the soft skin of Jared’s hand. 

“B-better than fine?” Jared asked confusedly. “Since when have I ever been _better than fine_?” 

Jensen looked down at their intertwined hands. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his husband, and his mouth wouldn’t open for him to speak. 

“Jen?” Jared blew, “Jenny? Jenny, is there something wrong with me?” 

“Nothing’s wrong, I promise.” Jensen breathed. 

“Well then why won’t you look at me? What’s going on?” Jensen could hear the slight panic in Jared’s voice as he spoke. “Whatever it is, I can handle it.” 

“Do you remember…” Jensen paused, still looking at their hands. “Do you remember when we said we were done having babies?” 

“Yeah?” Jared sighed. “How could I forget…” 

“Well…” Jensen breathed, finally lifting his face to look at his husband. There was a worried look on his face, and all Jensen wanted to do was make it go away. He hoped, more than anything, that the next words out of his mouth would bring some resemblance of contentment upon Jared’s face. 

“Well what?” Jared said apprehensively. The ever-present worry in his voice continued to grow. 

“Well what if I told you…what if I told you that we aren’t done?” Jensen breathed. “What if I told you, that we were going to have another baby?” 

There was a look of utmost confusion on Jared’s face. “Then I would tell you that you weren’t funny…I would tell you that it’s impossible, and that I’m already confortable with the decisions we have made…” Jared paused. “I would tell you…that I don’t want to have another baby. That I couldn’t go through it again…” 

Well, that was exactly what Jensen didn’t need to hear. 

“But, _what if_?” Jensen pushed. 

“Why…why are you asking me that? What kind of question is that Jen!” Jared huffed. His confused look turned to one of agitation. “I don’t want to talk about babies…not now…not ever again. I’m done thinking about them. That chapter’s closed and I’d rather leave it that way…” Jared took a deep breath. “I need…I need to focus on myself. And you. And Lilly… I don’t need to think about things that are no longer relevant to my life, or my happiness.” 

“I know…” Jensen sighed. His breath hitched in his throat. He had no idea what to say next. No idea how to tell his husband that despite his desperation to move on, he was going to have to go through another pregnancy...going to have to open a chapter he thought he had successfully closed. 

“You’re being weird Jenny. All this baby talk? That look on your face?” Jared exhaled, “What’s going on?” 

“The uh…the doctor ran a test.” Jensen said, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. 

“Jenny is this—is this about my fertility?” Jared asked, the worry returning to his voice, “The baby talk…the…the…” 

“Jay—“ 

“Is that why I’m _better than fine_?” Jared continued, “Did some freak _thing_ happen with my treatments, so now I can have babies again or something?” His agitated look turned into one of fear, “Jenny, are you telling me, that you _want_ to have more babies?” Jared asked in disbelief. 

“It doesn’t matter whether or not I _want_ to.” Jensen muttered. 

Jared let out a sigh of relief, “Yeah. Because it’s impossible.” 

“No Jay. That’s not it either.” 

“I don’t understand.” 

This was it. It was now or never. And never wasn’t an option. So Jensen looked his husband directly in the eyes and took a deep breath. “When, uh…when we thought we terminated your last pregnancy…” Jensen paused, “We didn’t.”

“What?” Jared inhaled sharply. “Wh—what do you mean?” 

“Jared.” Jensen exhaled, “Jared. Sweetheart…you’re pregnant. We’re having a baby.” 

“What?” Jared scoffed. “No I’m not…no we aren’t!” 

When Jensen didn’t immediately crack a smile, or laugh and admit he was telling a cruel joke, it was then that Jared began to worry. And when Jensen proceeded to tighten his grip on his husband’s hand, it was _then_ that Jared felt his heart stop. 

“I’m…I’m sorry Jay.” Jensen breathed. 

“No I’m not.” Jared whimpered, “No—no I’m not. I can’t be. Jenny, we haven’t been intimate in months. And—And Dr. Richardson said that after last time, it would be impossible.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jensen repeated, now unable to hold back the tears that began to fall. “I’m so sorry Jay, I—” 

“Stop saying that.” Jared whimpered, “Please, stop saying that…it can’t be! It just simply _cannot_ be!”

“Jay, it’s true.“ Jensen sniffled, “You’re four months along…we’re going to have a baby…we’re going to have a boy.” 

“No.” Jared shook his head, “I don’t care. I don’t want it.” 

“You don’t mean that.” Jensen exhaled. 

“I don’t want it.” Jared repeated. 

Jensen brought his other hand up to hold Jared’s, using two hands to hold his husband’s arm in a tight embrace. “Please, Jay. Let’s be positive about this.” 

“Positive?” Jared cried, “Positive? You want me to be positive?” He felt like he was going through shock, “Since when have we ever associated that word with a pregnancy.” 

“Jay, please—” 

“This baby is going to die Jensen. This baby is going to die, just like all of our other babies, and I can’t go through that again.” Jared cried, “And it’s not fair to me. And it’s not fair to Lilly, and—and I won’t go through this again. I refuse!” 

“Jay…this is a miracle!” Jensen beseeched, “Clearly, after everything we’ve been through, we deserve this…this is our chance.” 

“Our chance at what?” Jared cried, “Happiness? I swear to _god_ that better not be what you were going to say.” 

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” Jensen blubbered. “That’s all I want for you, Jay. I want you to be happy...don’t you want that?” 

“What? A boy? A baby?” Jared bellowed, “No Jensen, I think it’s pretty undisputable that those were things _you_ wanted…I stopped wanting boys… _babies_ …after Eli passed. And then after Landon and Lucas…I thought you would start to understand…start to see that that’s not what I wanted, or needed, in order to be happy.” Jared continued to cry, “I just needed your love, and your support, and all you thought I needed was another baby to replace the ones we lost… So I kept trying to have babies because I knew that’s what _you_ wanted.”

“Jay...” Jensen sniffled. They had already had so many talks like this before, and each one left Jensen feeling worse…feeling like he was the cause of Jared’s depression, when really it had all been the result of a huge pile of misunderstandings. 

Jensen thought that since the day they met –since that night at the hospital- when Jared said _he “wanted one”,_ that he meant a little boy of his own. A son. When in reality, Jared just wanted a family of his own. And yes, Jared wanted babies, lots of them. But when he learned that he likely couldn’t have any, he became embarrassed, and devastated that he wouldn’t be able to realize his, or Jensen’s, dreams. 

But after Lilly, honestly, Jared was done. He felt happy and blessed with his beautiful little family, but in the back of his mind, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Jensen wanted a boy; someone to carry on the Ackles name. And though they both loved Lilly with all of their hearts, Jared also felt as though Jensen was still storing a bit of that love for the son they never had. 

And now they were having one. And Jared wanted no part in it.

He was afraid…so damn afraid of losing another child. And now he didn’t have a choice. This baby’s fate was sealed, and there was nothing Jared could do about it. 

How could he worry about the well being of two lives, if he couldn’t even maintain his own. 

“I can’t do this, Jenny.” Jared whimpered. 

“You can, baby. You can do this.” Jensen moved one of his hands from Jared’s and brought it to his face, rubbing his husband’s cheek with his thumb. 

Jared shook his head. “Jenny I’m so afraid…” He put his free hand over his stomach, “Jenny…I can’t lose this baby. I can’t and I know that I’m going to…And if I do…that’s it for me. I told you before…if I lose another baby…you won’t be able to stop me next time.” 

“Jay, don’t talk like that. Not now…not after everything.” Jensen pleaded, “You’re going to be okay. This baby is going to be healthy. This baby is going to be born. Breathing.” 

“It’s just…there’s so much to worry about now.” Jared sniffled. 

“Let me worry about it, okay.” Jensen breathed, “I’ll take care of you.” 

“Jenn—” 

“I’ll take care of you.” Jensen repeated, “And now I have even more of a reason to, if you didn’t already think so before.” 

Jared closed his eyes and leaned into his husband’s touch. 

His eyes shot open, “I think I’m gunna puke.” Jared lurched. 

“Hold on. Let me get you a trashcan.” Jensen said, making his way across the room. He hadn’t even made it to the trashcan before he heard something splatter onto the floor. And when he turned around, Jared was heaving vomit over the side of his cot. 

“Fuck.” Jared groaned, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked up at Jensen with an incredibly pained look in his eyes. “Jenny…I feel like shit.” He shook his head; “I can’t do this for five more months Jenny. I just can’t.”

Jensen sighed as he looked around the room for a rag.

“I already called the nurse.” Jared said weakly, holding up a remote in his hand. 

Jensen gave his husband a warm smile as he returned to his side, avoiding the puddle of vomit that had pooled beneath Jared’s cot. “Baby, you can do this.” Jensen breathed, brushing Jared’s hair away from his face. “ _We,_ can do this.”

Dr. Aarons rushed into the room, “Is everything alright in—oh.” He huffed. He turned around and shouted, “Can I get a clean up for 538!” Before walking back into the room and closing the door behind him. 

“So I take it, you’ve heard the news.” Dr. Aarons raised an eyebrow.

Jared groaned, “How am I supposed to do this?” He fell back onto his cot, looking up at the ceiling. “How the fuck am I supposed to do this?” He cried as he wiped his face with his hands. “I can’t…I’m going to die. I’m going to fucking die.” 

A nurse walked into the room with a handful of towels and silently began to clean up the mess.

“You aren’t going to die, Mr. Ackles.” Dr. Aarons assured him. “You’re going home. Today.” He paused and shuffled through the papers he had attached to his clipboard. “And you’re going to continue your treatments tomorrow. I’ve already spoken with Dr. Richardson.” 

“What?” Both Jared and Jensen said at the same time. 

Dr. Aarons looked up at Jared, “Your eighth treatment is scheduled for tomorrow, and I have already prescribed you prenatal vitamins, which should be ready for pick up once you arrive back in San Antonio.” 

“I can’t just get up and hop on a plane.” Jared huffed, “We aren’t supposed to leave for another four days.” 

“I’m afraid you have to Mr. Ackles.” Dr. Aarons sighed, “With your current condition, we can no longer risk prolonging your treatments.” 

He scribbled something on his notepad and looked up at Jensen, “How soon can you schedule a flight?” 

“Right now.” Jensen said without hesitation. He wanted to get his husband back home, and back to his regular treatment schedule as soon as possible. He needed Jared to start thinking clearly again. 

“Jenny!” Jared begged as he looked back and forth between his husband and Dr. Aarons. “What about Lilly? She’ll be so upset if she has to leave early.” 

“She’s been here for two months Jay.” Jensen sighed, “It’s time to go home.” 

“But, Jenny…” Jared sighed. He was tired of arguing, and he couldn’t think of any more excuses. He knew he didn’t have a choice in the matter anyway. And Jared knew that if he didn’t get treated again soon, the sentiments of loathing and revulsion he already felt towards the child growing in his stomach, would only grow into permanence within a matter of time. 

“I’m going to buy tickets for a flight home, tonight.” Jensen declared.

“Okay, I have a few papers for you to sign before we can discharge your husband.” Dr. Aarons said, handing Jensen his clip board and a pen. 

As Jensen flipped though the papers, he noticed something was missing, so he leaned closer to Dr. Aarons and whispered, “Where’s the bill?” 

“Oh,” Dr. Aarons whispered, “Whatever your insurance didn’t cover, your trench-coated brother outside…he covered it.” 

Jensen’s mouth flew open, “What?” he whispered harshly.

“Is there a problem?” Dr. Aarons asked. 

“No. no not at all.” Jensen sighed, “Let’s just get my husband out of here.” 

**********

 

On the drive to the Collins’, Jensen bought tickets for a flight home that was scheduled to leave later that evening. And after a quick trip to the grocery store, they finally arrived back at the Collins’ townhouse, where they were greeted by the sweet smell of strawberries and waffles. Along with West, Lilly, and Maison’s smiling faces.

“Papa! Daddy!” Lilly screamed, running up to Jared and immediately wrapping her arms around his legs. 

“Dad!” West cheered, jumping into Misha’s arms. Maison followed right behind him, and Misha held them both in his arms. 

“Look who made it just in time for breakfast.” Vicki said as she walked into the living room. “Glad you could join us, Jared.” She smiled. “You’ve even brought Lilly her apples.” She waved, motioning for everyone to follow her into the kitchen. 

“Yup!” Jared said, holding up the large bag of green apples and placing them down on the kitchen island. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pass out.” 

Jensen shot him a worried look. 

“I mean, take a nap. I’m going to go take a nap.” Jared sighed. 

“Oh, okay.” Vicki nodded, “Are you sure you don’t want a waffle or anything?” 

Misha passed Maison onto Vicki, who held her daughter in her arms as she dished out forks and knives to West and Lilly, who wasted no time taking their seats at the table. 

“I’m sure.” Jared groaned. 

Misha took a seat at the table and patted the space next to him, signaling for Jared and Jensen to take a seat. 

“I’m not hungry.” Jared insisted, though he took a seat at the table. 

Vicki sat across from Misha, and Jensen took the seat beside his husband. He lovingly ran his hand through Jared’s hair, brushing a bit behind his ear before leaning in and whispering, “You’re eating for two now, remember, Baby.” He paused, “So, please… _eat_.” 

Jared groaned and took a waffle from the stack on the middle of the table. He let the waffle flop onto his plate, and he grabbed the bottle of syrup that was already in front of him. 

“I guess I _am_ hungry.” Jared mumbled. 

Vicki looked over at Jensen, who just shook his head once and mouthed, “talk later.” To which Vicki nodded in response. 

While they ate breakfast, everyone around the table was immersed in conversation. Everyone except for Jared, who poked at his food, barely bringing any of it to his lips. It was so hard eating when he already felt so full. And though his stomach was void of food, it was packed to the brim with butterflies, and leeches, which seemed to suck the life out of him. 

_Oh. No. That was just the goddamn baby in his belly._

Jared had absolutely no interest in eating anything, but now someone else depended on him doing just that. He didn’t know how he was going to do this for another five months...but then again, maybe he didn't have to. 

“Uncle Jared, you haven’t eaten any of your food.” West noted as he patted his own stomach, bringing Jared out of his daze, “I’ve already eaten a whole waffle.” 

“Me too!” Lilly chimed in. 

“That’s not true, you split one with Maison.” West teased.

Lilly stuck her tongue out at West. 

“Hey, let’s keep our tongues in our mouths.” Vicki warned, glaring at the two other children at the table, as she struggled to keep her hold on Maison, who was rolling around in her lap. 

Jensen turned his attention to his husband. West was right; Jared had barely touched anything on his plate. “Jay, please. You have to eat.” 

Jared grabbed a whole waffle square with his hand and shoved it into his mouth, with the hope that maybe, just maybe, he would choke on it. 

No luck. The waffle actually went down with ease. It just took a few large gulps of milk to wash it down. 

Maybe he really was hungry after all. 

“There.” Jared mumbled, slamming the empty glass down on the table. 

Everyone at the table stared at Jared, wide eyed. 

“Woah.” West gasped, “How’d you do that?” 

Jared shrugged and grabbed the syrup again, pouring it over another waffle square.

“Maybe you wanna slow down a bit there, Jay?” Jensen said, rubbing his husband’s back. 

“You told me to eat.” Jared huffed, this time shoving half of the square into his mouth, “I’m eating.” 

Vicki looked back and forth between Jensen and her husband, the concerned look on her face growing tenfold. “Is everything alright here?"

“Yes.” Misha and Jensen both said at the same time Jared grumbled, “No.”

“Okay.” Vicki exhaled, “West, Lilly, can you please put your plates in the sink?”

“Yeah mom,” West nodded and got up from his seat. Lilly followed him into the kitchen.

Once the kids had disappeared into the kitchen, Vicki cleared her throat. “What the fuck is going on here gentlemen?” 

“I’m pregnant.” Jared blurted out before shoving another piece of waffle into his mouth.

“You’re _what_!” Vicki gasped. 

“Surprise.” Jensen grinned sheepishly. 

“Wh—How?” Vicki stuttered.

“Unsuccessful abortion.” Jared said as he gulped down Lilly's leftover milk. 

“Jay!” Jensen seethed, completely taken aback.

“It’s true, isn’t it?” Jared shrugged. 

The room was silent for a moment, aside from the sound of Jared cutting up another piece of his waffle. 

“Well, congratulations!” Vicki clapped. “What a beautiful blessing!” 

“Call it what you want.” Jared groaned. “There’s nothing glorious about having me as a father. And there’s nothing beautiful about the world that I’m going to be bringing my son into. Nothing. Nothing at all.” 

Jared pushed out his chair and began walking out of the dining room, leaving his plate behind, “I’m going to go pack up my shit.”

A few seconds later they heard the guestroom door slam. 

“Goddamn.” Jensen sighed as he ran a hand down his face, “It’s like we’re starting all over again.” 

“Jared, pregnant? Right now?” Vicki sighed, “Oh man, that’s heavy. That’s really fucking heavy.” She gave Jensen a look of earnest support. “If you need anything, you know Lilly can stay with us…”

“No.” Jensen shook his head, “She needs to come back home.” 

“I understand.” Vicki nodded. 

“Jay’s eighth treatment is scheduled for tomorrow. I just hope he gets better.” Jensen exhaled slowly, “He said things today that he hasn’t said since…” His words got caught in his throat, “Since before his first treatment.” 

Vicki reached over and grabbed Jensen’s hand. 

“I bought us all a flight home.” Jensen breathed, “It leaves at eight, so if you could drive us to the airport, that would be fantastic.” 

“Of course.” Misha noted. “Anything, and everything. We’re here for you guys.” 

Jensen remembered what Misha had done for him earlier, and suddenly felt his stomach drop. But before he could confront his friend about Jared’s medical bill, Lilly and West came running into the room. 

“Mom! I've got an eraser stuck up my nose!” West yelled as he approached his mother.

"Again?" Vicki sighed.

Jensen took that as his chance. “Meesh, can I talk to you for a second?” Jensen asked hastily. He got out of his chair and grabbed Misha’s arm, dragging him out of the room. 

“Sure.” Misha said sarcastically once they were in the living room, “What’s up Jen?” 

“Back at the hospital…” Jensen paused, lowering his voice to a whisper, “I could have paid, Misha. You didn’t have to…” 

Misha shrugged, “Sometimes friends pay friends’ medical bills.”

“No. They don’t.” Jensen exhaled, “I’ll pay you back. It might take me a little while, but—” 

“Nonsense, Jen.” Misha shook his head. 

“Wh—what?” Jensen pondered, “Nonsense?” 

Misha put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “I’ve had a really good year. You…you haven’t.” 

Jensen’s lip quivered, and he mentally slapped himself for even _thinking_ about crying. “I don’t need anyone’s charity, Meesh. Especially not yours.” 

“This isn’t charity, Jen.” Misha assured him, “I care about you guys. I care about Jared’s well being. And if you’re so dead set on paying me back, then I’m sure eventually, in some way, you will. But I don’t need you to.”

Jensen cursed himself when he started crying anyway. “It’s embarrassing; the thought that I can’t provide for my own family…and now with another little one on the way…” 

Misha could see that his best friend was in pain, and now even _he_ found himself asking when it was all going to stop. The sadness, the guilt, the blame, the agony…all of it. 

“Everything’s going to be alright, Jen.” Misha said, pulling his best friend into a tight embrace, “It might not seem like it right now…but everything is going to be alright.” 

Jensen cried into the fabric of Misha’s shirt, sobbing and promising to pay his friend back, until he felt a small set of arms wrap themselves around his thighs. 

Jensen looked down and saw Lilly staring up at him, “Don’t be sad Papa.” Lilly sighed, “You found Daddy! You should be happy, not sad!” 

Jensen smiled down at her, though he continued to cry, “Hiya Lillypad.” He smiled through his tears. “How’s my favorite girl!” Jensen let go of his friend and got down on his knees, in front of his daughter. 

“I’m gunna go check on West.” Misha hummed before making his way out of the living room. 

Jensen turned his attention back to his daughter, “Lillypad, it’s time for you to pack up your princess suitcase.” 

“Why Papa?” Lilly asked with a frown. 

“Because it’s time to go home.” Jensen said as he ran his hand through her hair, “We’re going back to Texas.” 

“But I don’t wanna go back.” Lilly pouted, “I like it here.” 

“We’ll be back soon. I promise.” Jensen sighed. 

“When?” Lilly huffed. 

"When Daddy feels better.”

“I thought Daddy was happy again.”

Jensen sighed, “He’s trying. He’s really trying…but he still has to see the doctor a few more times, okay. So we have to go back home, so that Daddy can get better.” 

“Papa, this isn’t fair!” 

“I know, Lillypad. I know.” Jensen sighed, “But the sooner we go home and Daddy finishes his treatments, the sooner we can come back here.” 

“Okay.” Lilly looked down at her feet, and clasped her hands in front of her stomach. “I just want Daddy to smile again when he sees me.” She whispered. “I just want him to love me…and you…because all he ever does is yell, and cry, and get mad at us.” 

Jensen sighed. The number of soul-crushing moments just seemed to be adding up these days. 

“Lillian, I know you don’t understand what is going on with your Daddy right now.” Jensen used his index finger to push up his daughter’s chin so that he could look her directly in the eyes. “But I promise, your Daddy loves you more than anything in the entire world.”

“What about you?” Lilly huffed.

“Daddy loves me too.” Jensen sighed, “He loves both of us.” 

Jensen paused and contemplated whether or not now was the time to alert Lilly of her father’s pregnancy. But as he looked at his pouty-lipped daughter, he realized she had already been through enough for one day. And he wanted to tell her the news with Jared by his side. 

“So why don’t you go get your bag packed, alright?” Jensen proposed. 

Lilly nodded, “Alright Papa.”

She began walking away from Jensen when he called, “Hey Lillypad. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Lilly smiled and brought her pointer finger to the edge of her lip, “A kiss for Papa.” She breathed, running back to her father and planting a wet kiss on his cheek. “I love you Papa.” 

“I love you to Lillypad.” Jensen smiled, “Now get to it!” 

He watched Lilly run out of the room and he took a deep breath before getting back on his feet, and making his way to the guestroom. 

When he tried to open the door, the handle wouldn’t budge. “Jay?” Jensen asked as he knocked on the door. 

There was no answer. 

“Jay?” Jensen repeated; this time more frantic than the last.

Again, there was no answer.

Jensen put his ear to the door. He heard water running, and immediately his stomach dropped to the floor. 

“Not again. Not _fucking_ again.” Jensen pleaded with his face against the door. He called his husband’s name once again, “Jared!”

Suddenly the door flew open and Jensen felt himself falling into something wet. 

It was his husband’s chest, which was still wet from the shower he jumped out of. The towel he had loosely wrapped around his waist was threatening to fall any second. 

Jared lazily pushed Jensen off of him, “Get off of me.” 

Jensen struggled to maintain his balance. “You scared the shit out of me Jay.” He breathed. He grabbed onto the doorframe and leaned on it. “The hell did you lock the door for?” 

“I’m sorry.” Jared deadpanned.

“Jay…” Jensen huffed. “Sorry for what?”

"The mess." Jared huffed, nodding up at Jensen.

Jensen looked down and noticed the bloody handprint on his henley...then his eyes immediately went to Jared’s hands.

Jared was using one hand to hold on to his towel –which was still tied around his waist— and in Jared's free hand he was holding a coat hanger. It was stained red, along with Jared’s hand. 

“Jay. No…” Jensen shook his head, “Baby, please no!” Jensen ran over to his husband and wrapped his arms around him. “Jay! Sweetheart! How could you!” Jensen wailed. He continued to hold his husband, but dropped to his knees, keeping his hands wrapped around Jared’s legs. 

“I’m sorry.” Jared repeated, “I—I told you I couldn’t do it again.” He looked down at Jensen, who was bawling on the floor beneath him. 

Jensen couldn’t speak. Couldn’t open his mouth to do anything other than cry. He felt as though he was going to drown in his tears. He couldn’t believe what Jared had done. Jared may have hurt him before…but this…this was going to be the thing that destroyed him.

Jared dropped the hanger and let himself melt into Jensen’s embrace, falling to the floor in front of his husband. “I feel like I’m suffocating within myself.”

Jensen just kept crying, never letting go of his husband, though he couldn’t bring himself to look Jared in the eyes. Jensen had never felt disgusted, or repulsed by anything Jared had ever done. But that was until now. Until this very moment, when Jensen wanted absolutely nothing to do with Jared. Yet, he still couldn't stop holding on to him. 

“What have you done?” Jensen wailed, “What the fuck have you done Jared?”

“Given you a reason to finally let me go.” 

Jensen continued to cry, trying to search Jared’s face for any resemblance of emotion. But he was completely void of any. Jensen hadn’t seen Jared look this way since Eli.

“Take off your towel.” Jensen instructed. 

“What?” Jared asked. 

“Lay down and take off your towel.” Jensen commanded.

Jared took too long to respond, so it was Jensen’s turn to push his husband down. Once Jared was on his back, Jensen untied his towel and immediately looked at his thighs, searching for any sign of blood. 

He didn’t have to search though, because there was a river of it running down Jared’s leg. 

“Fucking _Christ_ Jay.” Jensen seethed, tears running down his face, “We just got back from the hospital.”

“I’m sorry.” Jared exhaled, staring up at the ceiling.

Jensen threw the towel back around Jared before getting up and running to the door. “Misha!” Jensen called into the hallway, “Misha call 911!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last round of comments I received have been the best one's yet. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me and this story though the good and bad times. There are many, many, more to come, and I really appreciate the back-and-forth I get to have with my readers!!
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter.


	30. Seeing Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Next week is finals week, and then after that...it'll be summer...which means endless updates YAY!
> 
> I really enjoyed the last flood of comments. Honestly guys, it makes my day and encourages me to really think about my writing. Sometimes even based on your thoughts, I make changes to the storyline...so just know that your comments hold a lot of influence when it comes to the decisions I make!
> 
> Thanks for staying with me guys. I hope you enjoy the next chapter! :) xoxoxoxo

“Did you know that I already picked out a coffin?” Jensen sighed as he stared down at his hands. He was nervously picking at his nails, tearing away the skin that surrounded them. 

They had been sitting in the hospital waiting room for exactly fifty-six minutes and thirty-seven seconds. Thirty-eight. Thirty-nine…

Jensen never took his eyes off of the silver Cellini Dual Time Rolex that quietly ticked on his left wrist. It was one of the luxury items he had refused to pawn. Jared had given it to him on his thirtieth birthday, when Jared decided that his husband was finally old enough to start keeping time, because _“Once you hit thirty, the average person only has 1.5 billion seconds left to live,”_ he had said, _“So let’s make every one count.”_  

Morbid as it may have been, Jensen thought it had been a wonderful gift. But now, as he looked down at his wrist, watching the seconds tick by, he wondered when it would stop. When time would cease to exist. If not for him, then for another human being; perhaps for his unborn son...or maybe even his husband. 

Jensen had been watching the seconds tick by on his watch as the doctors announced the times of death for Eli, Landon, and Lucas. Known the exact moments his children were welcomed by the gentle hands of God. Held his breath just see if he too, could find some sort of peace in those moments of grief. 

So today he continued to stare at his watch, fearful that he might have to remember not just one time of death, but two. 

When he arrived at the hospital for the second time that day, it was with far less hope than he had originally arrived with during his prior visit. 

Earlier, Jensen sat with Jared in the back of the ambulance, holding his husband’s hand until it went limp in his own. And the entire ride to the hospital, Jensen prayed for peace. Peace for his husband. Peace for his unborn son. Peace for himself, and for Lilly. 

And he wasn’t exactly sure in what form that “peace” would come; whether it would be from the gift of jovial life… or a merciful death. Honestly, he was no longer sure what would bring him more comfort. 

As medics fought to keep an unconscious Jared alive in the back of the ambulance, the only thing Jensen could think about was his daughter. Who he had left, crying in Vicki’s arms as they loaded her father into the ambulance. 

Lilly didn’t deserve the hand she had been dealt. Didn’t deserve to see the deterioration of one father’s emotional stability, and another’s desperate attempts –and failures- to save the crumbling mess that was becoming their family. 

She deserved to be happy. She deserved two loving parents who adored her. And she had that, for a little while. But by now, she had seen her fathers in states of sadness more times than she had seen them content; seen them crying more times than she had seen them smiling. 

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t her fault. 

And Jensen promised himself that –regardless of the day’s outcome- he would make it up to his daughter. He would be there for her. Focus on her. Give her the happy life he knew she deserved. Because he needed Lilly to know that she was loved. He needed his daughter to know that. More than anything, her fathers loved her. 

“What?” Misha asked, snapping his best friend out of his daze. “What coffin?” 

“It’s mahogany, with little ducks carved into the sides.” Jensen quivered. “It almost looks like the one we buried Eli in.” 

“Jensen, _what_ are you talking about?” Misha worriedly asked his friend.

“Today, on the way home from the hospital earlier.” Jensen exhaled, “After everything Jared had said earlier…I—I got scared. I got scared and I picked out a coffin just in case—just in case…” Jensen started crying hysterically before he could even finish his sentence. 

“Oh, Jen.” Misha hushed, pulling his friend closer to him. “Please don’t give up hope. Everything will be okay.” 

“When has it ever been? When has anything ever been _okay_ Meesh.” Jensen bellowed. “Everything is the furthest from okay right now, and I don’t know if anything ever will be again.” 

Misha sat in silence as he held his friend. He could feel Jensen’s tears soak through the fabric of his shirt as he continued to bellow. 

“I hate him right now, Misha. I hate Jared so much.” Jensen cried, “But I love him too…” 

Misha patted Jensen’s back in a failed effort to console him. 

“I don’t know if I can stay with him, Misha.” Jensen cried. “I love him…but I don’t know if it’s worth it. All of the tears, and the fights, and the sleepless nights. All for what?” 

“All for what?” Misha finally spoke, astonished by the words that had just come out of his best friend’s mouth. “You can’t be serious Jensen.” Misha pushed his friend away and held his shoulders, keeping him at an arms length. 

Jensen kept his eyes down, looking at his watch again. 

“Look at me Jen!” Misha commanded gruffly.

Jensen did as he was told, and Misha looked him directly in the eyes. Never blinking as he spoke. “Jared needs you now more than ever.” He paused, “Both of you have been selfish for _years_ …now Jared, he has an excuse. He’s sick…he’s trying to get better.” Misha paused, “But Jensen. What is your excuse?” 

“Ex—excuse me?” Jensen sniffled. 

“I’m your best friend, Jensen.” Misha started, “Dare I say it, but at this point in your life I know you better than your own husband. I may not have witnessed everything, but. I’ve seen enough. Heard enough…” 

“I get it. I’ve been a terrible husband, and an even worse father.” 

“No. No Jen, that’s not what I mean…it’s just…this weird obsession you have with having a son…Don’t you see how it’s ruined you both? This _point_ that you seem to need to prove.” Misha huffed, “Everything Jared has done…it’s been for you…and that led him here… it lead _you_ to pick up the pieces…” Misha paused, “And I’m not saying it’s your fault, because God knows it’s not. But regardless of what happens today…you need to concentrate on the family you already have.” 

“But I was trying to do that Meesh! I was trying so hard! I forgot about having children _years_ ago…but now, it’s been thrown right back in our faces.” Jensen cried. “All I wanted was for Jared to get better. This was never a part of the plan…but now it is…and I would have said there was nothing we could do about it…but clearly…” 

Jensen had to stop talking because he began choking on his words, unable to even begin to talk about what had happened back at the townhouse, when his husband took his own life, and the life of their unborn son, into his own hands. 

But after a moment of silence, Jensen took a deep breath and opened his mouth again to speak. 

“At least if hospitals had frequent flyer miles, maybe then we wouldn’t be going broke.” Jensen cried, “By the time this is all over, we’re going to be knee deep in debt.” Jensen whimpered, “I was supposed to go back to work this week. My paid leave is over…and it doesn’t look like I’ll be heading home any time soon.” 

“Quit.” Misha said simply.

“Quit? I can’t just quit!” Jensen shook. 

“Your office is barren. Your desk is still there, waiting for you.” Misha supposed, “Come back, man. Come back to the firm and work with us again. Re-start a new life in the city.” 

“But…I can’t?” 

“Why can’t you?” Misha asked, “Lilly loves it here. Jay wanted to stay up until…” Misha paused and considered a new route of conversation, “I’d love having my best friend around the corner again.” 

“Ha.” Jensen laughed, “There’s no way we’d be able to afford a place anywhere _near_ where we used to live after everything that’s happened.” 

“In due time…you will.” Misha encouraged his friend, squeezing his shoulder, “The firm is doing really well. We’ve got plenty of partners…Jen, I think you should do it.” 

Before Jensen could even begin to formulate a reply, there was announcement on the hospital loudspeaker. 

“Surgeons needed on the operating table. Code Omega-Blue.” A voice boomed from the loudspeaker. “I repeat, surgeons needed on the operating table. Code Omega-Blue, 427.” 

“427?” Jensen’s head shot up from his hands and he turned to his best friend, “That’s Jared’s operating room.” 

In a matter of moments, three surgeons ran past the lobby and made their way down the hallway, towards the direction of Jared’s operating room. 

Without thinking, Jensen bounded out of his chair and followed the surgeons down the hall. 

“Jen!” Misha called after him, but Jensen paid him no mind. He continued running down the hall until he made his way to Jared’s room.

He was about to walk in, when one of the surgeons finally noticed him. 

“Sir, what do you think you’re doing?” The surgeon huffed, “You can’t come in here.” 

“That’s my husband in there!” Jensen said frantically, “What’s going on?” 

“There have been some complications.” The surgeon said, turning his back on Jensen before making his way into the room. 

“Complications?” Jensen repeated, but the door was shut in his face before he could get another word out. “Complications?” 

Jensen felt a warm, unfamiliar hand land on his shoulder. 

“Mr. Ackles?” A soft voice asked from behind him. 

Jensen turned around to see a solemn looking nurse staring up at him. 

“What’s going on?” Jensen trembled, his voice breaking, “What’s a code Omega-Blue?” 

The nurse gently squeezed his arm and gave him a sad smile. “You can watch your husband’s surgery from behind the glass, over here.” The nurse pointed towards a large window on the side of the operating room. 

“Please. Please just tell me what’s going on.” Jensen begged as the nurse ushered him towards the observation window.

“Your husband has lost a lot of blood.” The nurse informed Jensen. “And he is currently in critical condition.” 

“But they can fix him? He’s going to be okay! He’s lost more blood than this before…he’s bled a lot worse…” Jensen said frantically, as he peered into the operating room, trying to catch a glimpse of his husband. 

“That’s the problem.” The nurse sighed. 

“I don’t understand.” Jensen whimpered. 

“Your husband’s red blood cell count was already low.” The nurse began to explain, “When he…when he tried to abort the baby, he missed the amniotic sac, and he punctured a major uterine artery.” 

“What?” Jensen breathed. 

“Those arteries pump a lot of blood,” The nurse explained, “He’s lucky he got here when he did. And with all of the blood loss, the life of your baby is also in grave jeopardy.”

Jensen could feel the lump in his throat grow tenfold, and he found it hard to breathe. “What are you saying?” Jensen whimpered, never taking his eyes off of the operating table, where surgeons crowded around his husband. 

The nurse gave his arm another squeeze. “I’m saying we’ve got a great team of surgeons in there, and they are going to do everything in their power to keep your husband, and your child, alive.” 

With that, she said another round of sincere apologies, before heading back down the hallway and leaving Jensen alone, staring into the operating room, completely powerless and unable to control the situation unfolding in front of him. So he took a deep breath and did the one thing he thought would comfort him. It was something he hadn’t done since Lilly learned how to speak. It was the one part of him he had kept locked away since the onset of Jared's depression.

He looked into the operating room, and he sang.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night._

Jensen sang quietly to himself as he kept his forehead plastered against the glass window of the operating room. On the opposite side of the glass, Dr. Aarons and his team were desperately trying to save the lives of Jensen’s husband and their unborn son. 

 _Take these broken wings and learn to fly._  

Jensen hummed the words to his husband’s favorite song, even though he knew damn well that Jared couldn’t hear him.

“He’s losing a lot of blood.” One of the surgeons noted. 

Jensen couldn’t cry anymore. He physically couldn’t. He was pretty sure his tear ducts had dried out about an hour ago. But even though the tears wouldn’t fall, Jensen was bawling and blubbering like a baby. 

 _All your life._  

“It’s too late.” Another surgeon sighed. “I can’t find a heartbeat.” 

“On the baby, or the patient?” Another surgeon asked, making his way to the heart rate monitor. 

 _You were always waiting for this moment to arise._  

“The baby! The baby!” A surgeon answered. 

“That doesn’t make sense! We had it. We had a heartbeat just a second ago.” One of the surgeons huffed. 

“The amniotic sac wasn’t even breached.” Another surgeon noted. “This shouldn’t be happening.” 

 _Blackbird singing in the dead of night._  

Jensen sang as he helplessly watched the surgeons work. He clawed at the glass, wishing more than anything, that he was on the other side of the divide. He just wanted to hold his husband’s hand. Tell him that he was sorry. Tell him that this was all his fault.

 _Take these sunken eyes and learn to see._  

“Quiet, everyone!” Dr. Aarons lifted his bloody, glove-covered hand in the air before pointing it towards the heart rate monitor. “We have a heartbeat on the fetus.” 

The other surgeons in the room turned towards the machine. 

“It’s faint.” Dr. Aarons noted, “But look. It’s there.” 

_All your life._

“Let’s get some vitals.” Dr. Aarons directed one of the surgeons. “Stat!” 

“Yes sir.” The surgeon nodded, making her way across the room. 

“This baby is going to make it.” Dr. Aarons breathed, “It’s going to be okay. They’re both going to be okay.” 

_You were always waiting for this moment to be free._

Dr. Aarons and his team continued to diligently work on Jared for the next hour as Jensen looked on, keeping his face plastered against the glass until he heard Dr. Aarons finally say, “The patient and fetus are stable. Fantastic job, team.” 

With that, Jensen let out a sigh of relief and sank to the floor, letting his head fall into his hands. 

He couldn’t even get a moment to himself before Dr. Aarons was outside of the operating room and standing above him.

“Mr. Ackles, your husband is stable and resting.” Dr. Aarons breathed, kneeling down to squat by Jensen’s side. “Your son is also going to be okay. Though I would expect him to be asthmatic upon delivery.” He paused, “All things considered, that’s a lot better than what could have happened.” 

Jensen gulped and nodded his head, keeping his eyes on the ground. “Thank you. Thank you so much Doctor Aarons." 

“Don’t thank me yet.” Dr. Aarons cleared his throat. “Your husband may be stable…physically… but emotionally he’s far from it.” 

 _Obviously._ Jensen thought, though instead he nodded again and said, “Yeah.” 

Dr. Aarons continued to speak, “Dr. Richardson gave me permission to administer Jared’s next two treatments. That means he’ll have to remain here in New York for the time being, until he’s ready to go back to San Antonio for his last treatment, which Dr. Richardson will administer.” 

“What? He can’t…” Jensen breathed, finally looking up at the doctor. 

“Mr. Ackles, Your husband really _cannot_ leave. He’s being placed in the hospital’s psych ward.” 

“Psych ward?” Jensen repeated.

“Yes, we’re going to place him there so that he cannot endanger himself, or your unborn son.” 

Jensen shook his head in disbelief, “But…that’s not…” He paused, “He’s going to go crazy in there! You can’t just lock him away!”

“At this point, it’s the best thing we can do to ensure his safety.” Dr. Aarons explained. “But I assure you, you can come and visit him twice a week.” 

“Twice a week!” Jensen gasped in disbelief, “Are _you_ insane!” Jensen shook his head, “No. I’m not just going to leave my husband here all alone. And—and I can’t even stay here…My paid leave is over.” Jensen paused, “I have to go back to San Antonio, and I’m taking my husband with me.” 

“I’m sure something can get worked out.” Dr. Aarons suggested, “Mr. Ackles, you cannot afford to let your husband leave.” 

“I can’t afford to let him _stay!_ ” Jensen howled, bringing his head back down into his hands. 

“Hey, hey, is everything alright over here?” Jensen heard Misha’s voice before he felt the force of his best friend’s palm connecting with his shoulder. 

“I’ll give you a moment. I’m going to fill out some forms.” Dr. Aarons said before getting up, and making his way past Jensen and Misha.

“Jen, what’s going on?” Misha asked sincerely, taking Dr. Aarons spot on the floor next to Jensen.

“All of our savings…everything we’ve ever had…it’s going to be gone by the end of the year if I don’t go back to work.” Jensen whimpered into his friend's shoulder. 

“What?” Misha asked, “Jensen what are you talking about?” 

“They’re putting Jared in a psych ward!”

“Psych ward?”

“He has to stay and finish his treatments here.” Jensen continued. 

“Why are they putting him in a psych ward?” Misha asked, returning to his original question. 

Jensen lifted his head off of his best friend’s shoulder, “Haven’t you heard? My husband is a fucking lunatic." 

“Woah, woah, woah. Don’t talk about him that way.” Misha cautioned.

“I hate him.” Jensen huffed, “I hate him. I hate what we’ve done to eachother.” Jensen was livid. Angrier, and more upset than he had been since…since… _ever_. “I wish we never met. I wish he never spilled his goddamn coffee on me.” Jensen blubbered. “Everything would have been better if he never met me.” 

Misha gave Jensen a disappointed look, “What the hell has gotten into you Jen. You can’t give up on Jared. You can’t say things like that.” 

“I just don’t understand.” Jensen cried, “I just don’t fucking understand…Our lives weren’t supposed to be this way… _We_ weren’t supposed to be this way. We were happy once. Now look at us!” Jensen cried, “Look at us Meesh! Look what we’ve become!" 

“Shhh, shhh.” Misha hushed his friend, pulling him back into his chest. “You guys can still fix this. Jared only has three more treatments, and I bet he’ll come out of this a completely new man.” 

“But I don’t want a new man!” Jensen cried, “I want my best friend back! I want my husband back! I—I just want Jared. The smiling, clumsy, loveable, goofball that I fell in love with.” Jensen paused and looked up at Misha, “What if I never get him back? What if the man I fell in love with no longer exists? What if he’s gone forever?” 

“It’s okay Jen.” Misha hushed, “I’m sure you’ll learn to love him just—“ 

“But I don’t want to learn to love him!” Jensen interrupted. 

“Don’t be selfish Jensen.” Misha warned his friend. “You made a vow, remember? In sickness and in health? Any of that ring a bell?” 

Jensen nodded, wiping away the tears from his eyes, though they continued to flow. 

“You just need to be patient, Jen.” Misha continued. “I know I’ve said it a million times, and I know it’s hard. But you’ll make it… All of you.” 

Jensen didn’t know if he believed any of the promises Misha was making, but he just nodded again and let his head fall onto his friend’s shoulder with a yawn, keeping it there until his eyes finally began to shut, and he saw the world dim around him to nothing.


	31. The First Positive

****A Little Over Eight Years Ago****

 

“Jenny, wake up.” Jared whispered in Jensen’s ear.

“Ugh.” Jensen groaned, turning over in to face his husband, who was siting up-right in their bed. He slightly opened one eye, squinting in the dimly lit room. “What time is it?” Jensen turned back around to glance at his alarm clock. It was three in the morning; four hours before he would — normally— even begin to consider waking up. 

“Jay.” Jensen mumbled, turning back towards his husband, “Baby, what are you doing up so early?” 

“I, uh…I couldn’t sleep.” Jared sighed. 

“You couldn’t sleep?” Jensen asked worriedly. He lifted himself off of the bed and turned on his bedside lamp before moving towards his husband. Jensen leaned in and placed his hand on Jared’s forehead. “Are you feeling alright?” 

Jared shook his head, “Not at all, actually.” 

“You don’t feel warm.” Jensen hummed inquisitively. 

“Well, I just puked my guts out into the toilet about twenty minutes ago.” Jared groaned. 

“What?” Jensen gasped, “Oh god…the _one_ time you let me make dinner…” 

Jared gave Jensen a closed mouthed smile, “Jenny I loved the steak. It was wonderful…I’m sure it wasn’t that!” 

“I shouldn’t have added all that seasoning.” Jensen shook his head, “I knew I didn’t marinate it properly.” 

Jared let out a gentle laugh, “Your steak was _fine_ , Jenny.” Jared reassured him, “I’ve been feeling weird for the past couple of days.” 

“Do you think it’s the stomach flu?” Jensen pondered. 

“I don’t know.” Jared groaned, “I hope not.” 

Jared knew it wasn’t the steak, or the stomach flu, or anything else that Jensen would likely come up with. He knew exactly what had been making him nauseous for the past few days. He knew exactly what had been making him vomit every morning. 

He was three weeks pregnant and trying his best to hide it, until today when he finally decided he had found the perfect way to tell his husband that after more than a year of trying, they were finally going to be parents. 

Jared’s reveal depended on his ability to predict his husband’s actions, so that Jensen would stumble upon Jared’s conveniently hidden pregnancy test. 

“Do you want me to make you some tea?” Jensen asked, already throwing the covers off of himself so that he could get out of bed. “That special chamomile one you always make?” 

Jared nodded, “The recipe is in the cupboard.” 

“Alright. Sit tight and I’ll be back in a second.” Jensen said before leaving the room. 

Jared smiled. His plan was already falling perfectly into place. He had cleared out the kitchen cupboard that contained all of his cookbooks so when Jensen opened the cupboard, he would find it empty, save for the copy of _What to Expect When You’re Expecting_ that Jared had placed there earlier that evening. 

Also attached to the book, with thin yellow ribbon, was Jared’s positive pregnancy test. It was the first after a steady stream of disappointing negatives. But after more than a year of trying, and failed fertility treatments, it was finally going to happen. They were finally going to have a baby of their own. 

“Jay!” 

Jared heard his husband scream from the kitchen. 

“Jared?”

There was the sound of a glass shattering onto the floor followed by the sound of feet scampering frantically towards their bedroom. 

“Jay!” Jensen came running into the room with the book in one hand and Jared’s pregnancy test in the other. “Jay…” Jensen smiled through quivering lips. “Jay…are you?” Jensen’s eyes began to water and tears of happiness began to run down his cheeks.

Jared returned Jensen’s smile with one of his own, nodding in response. “I’m pregnant.” Jared smiled, “Jenny, we’re going to have a baby!” 

Jensen looked up at the ceiling a took a deep breath before muttering, “Thank you.” He had never been the religious type, but he felt as though he had to thank _someone_ for finally giving them the child they had been trying so hard to have. 

Jensen looked back down at his husband and smiled, “We’re going to be parents?” He asked in disbelief before throwing the book and the test down onto the bedside table. 

“Yeah.” Jared smiled, pulling the covers off of himself in an attempt to get out of bed. 

His action was pointless, because as soon as he stood up, he was tackled by Jensen, who pushed him right back onto the bed and gently straddled him, making sure not to put any of his weight on Jared. 

“We’re going to be parents!” Jensen repeated, looking down at his husband. “Holy shit!” He smiled down at Jared, who was looking lovingly back up at him. “Am I dreaming? I’ve got to be dreaming.” 

Jared grabbed Jensen’s neck and pulled him down, answering his husband’s question with a tender kiss. “We’re going to be parents.” Jared affirmed with a smile.

“I’m going to be a dad! I can’t believe this!” Jensen smiled. He rolled off of Jared with a blissful sigh, landing on his stomach next to Jared. He used one hand as a pillow and reached out with his other hand to touch his husband’s —still relatively flat— stomach.

“Believe it.” Jared breathed, placing his hand on top of Jensen’s. 

“Do you think it’s a boy, or a girl?” Jensen asked as he rubbed Jared’s stomach. 

“I don’t know.” Jared sighed, “But a baby is a baby and after trying this long…I’ll take what we can get…I just hope the baby gets your freckles.” Jared beamed as he looked over at his husband. “And your ears…and your smile.”

“My smile?” Jensen inquired.

“Yeah, that one. The one you’re doing right now.” Jared noted as he began smiling to himself. “Look at you...” Jared breathed, “My handsome, Freckled Prince.” 

Jensen blushed and licked his lips, sheepishly digging his head into the bed sheets as his husband continued to dote.

“I want a big family Jenny.” Jared sighed, “This place is too big for just the two of us.” 

Jensen popped his head back up and raised an eyebrow at Jared. “Let’s wait for this little miracle to join us before we start thinking about having any other munchkins.” 

“I know.” Jared nodded, sitting up a bit. “But I’m just so excited. The doctors said it would never happen…but now look at me.” Jared smiled and looked down at his stomach, placing a delicate hand on it. “Better try and pop out as many as I can while luck is on our side.” 

“Luck.” Jensen breathed, “We’ve been pretty damn lucky haven’t we.”

“Yeah.” Jared exhaled and let himself fall back onto the bed. 

Jensen’s practice was doing incredibly well, and Jared had just gotten a huge promotion. Now, it seemed as though everything was finally falling into place. Like their lives were finally becoming what they had dreamt they would be, aside from the kitchen tiles…but Jared swore he would have them changed by the end of the month, “ _So help me, God_!” 

“Wanna do me a favor?” Jared yawed and looked over Jensen.

Jensen picked his head up off of the bed and looked over at Jared, “Anything.”                                                                   

“Don’t go to work today.” Jared proposed. “Stay in bed with me all day instead.”

Jensen didn’t even think twice before saying “Okay.” There was no other way he would have wanted to spend his day. “I’ll just tell the guys I won’t be coming in today.” 

“Wait…really?” Jared asked, sitting up again. 

Jensen popped up as well, and shrugged before nodding. “Once it’s a reasonable hour, sure, I’ll let them know.”

Jared leaned over and gave Jensen a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.” 

Jensen yawned and ran his hand through Jared’s hair, “You don’t have to thank me. I would spend every second of every day lying in bed with you if I could.” 

Jared laughed, “Well that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?” 

“I’m sure we’d find a way to make it fun.” Jensen raised an eyebrow at his husband. 

“You know what sounds fun?” Jared smiled, “Breakfast in bed.” 

“As long as you’re my breakfast.” Jensen retorted with a smirk. 

Jared gave him an inquisitive look, “You know, I _did_ hear that the best sex is pregnant sex.” 

“That sounds fake, but okay.” Jensen laughed. 

“Wanna find out?” Jared asked, leaning in towards his husband. 

Jensen looked at the clock, “How about this…wake me up at 8, and I’ll get breakfast going. Then while we wait…” Jensen raised an eyebrow at Jared. 

“You’re a fool!” Jared laughed.

“Yeah, but I’m the fool you fell in love with.” Jensen yawned. 

“That you are.” Jared smiled. 

Jensen leaned over and placed a kiss on Jared’s cheek before scooting down and placing another kiss on his stomach, “Goodnight little miracle.” Jensen breathed. He gave Jared a quick kiss on the lips before pulling the covers back over his body. “Goodnight Jay.” He breathed as he felt Jared join him under the covers. 

“Goodnight Jenny.” Jared exhaled before turning off his bedside lamp and slowly drifting off to sleep.

 

******Later That Morning******

 

“I’m going to spoil this baby.” Jensen smiled, placing his palms on his husband’s stomach. “I’m going to spoil it…and you…so, so much." 

Jensen was standing behind Jared as he set the table, holding his husband close as Jared leaned over the dining table. Jensen had just finished making breakfast. Today it consisted of a mountain of pancakes, bacon, eggs, sausages, and fruit. Usually Jared, the resident chef, was in charge of cooking, but after hearing the news, Jensen wanted to take every possible weight off of his husband’s shoulders. 

Jensen brought a hand up to brush Jared’s hair away from his neck before placing a kiss on the newly exposed skin. “What ever happened to breakfast in bed?” He asked. 

“I thought about it.” Jared shrugged, “And if we’re going to have celebratory sex…which we are…I’d rather not do it where I plan on eating breakfast.” 

“I guess that means we’re not going to fuck on the dining table.” Jensen sighed and Jared laughed in response. 

“I thought I was supposed to be the horny one.” Jared chuckled as he set down the silverware. 

“I’m not horny. I’m happy and I want to celebrate our impending fatherhood.” Jensen hummed, placing a soft kiss on the back of Jared’s shoulder. “They’re not mutually exclusive.” 

Jared turned around so that his body was pressed against his husband’s. “Well I’m hungry, but I’d also like to celebrate my pregnancy by getting fucked into next week.” 

Jensen smiled, “Once again—” 

“They’re not mutually exclusive.” Jared finished his husband’s sentence, “I know, I know.” He leaned down and placed a tender kiss on Jensen’s lips, gently pulling Jensen’s shirtless body against his own. 

Jensen moved his hands into his husband’s hair, pulling it just enough, the way he knew Jared liked it; and he was reassured with the breathy moan that escaped Jared’s lips.

Jensen could feel the blood start to rush towards his semi-soft member, which Jared had just begun to stroke beneath his loose pajama pants. 

“Fuck.” Jensen moaned, digging his teeth into his husband’s neck.

Jared returned Jensen’s moan with one of his own and gave Jensen’s shaft a gentle squeeze before removing his hand from Jensen’s pants. 

“Wha--?” Jensen asked breathlessly. 

“How long do you think we have?” Jared asked.

“Huh?” Jensen breathed. 

“Until the food gets cold.” Jared noted, “How long?” 

“I don’t know…twenty minutes? You’re the expert.” 

Jared pondered the statement for a moment before nodding. “Bedroom.” Jared hummed, smashing his lips against his husband’s. “Now.” 

Jared took Jensen’s hand and lead him to their bedroom, not wasting any time to pull down his pants before pulling down Jensen’s, both of their hard members springing free from the cotton material. 

“I love you, so much.” Jensen breathed as he gently guided Jared onto the bed.

Jared lay completely exposed on the bed, and Jensen let his eyes wander slowly across Jared’s long body as he slid his hands along Jared’s skin, taking in every inch of his husband. Jensen wanted to remember exactly how Jared looked; wanted to be able to compare how each and every part of his husband’s body would change within the next eight months. 

“I love you too, Jenny.” Jared laughed as he felt Jensen’s lips connect with his inner thigh. It was the place where he was the most ticklish. Jensen knew it too, but it never stopped him from doing it every time. 

“What’s so funny?” Jensen asked quasi-innocently, as he used one of his fingers to trace hearts on the inside of Jared’s thigh. 

“Cut it out.” Jared laughed, “You know that tickles.” 

“Do I?” Jensen smirked, bringing his lips back down to his husband’s thigh. He opened his mouth and licked a long strip up Jared’s thigh, stopping right before he got to Jared’s balls.

“Fuck.” Jared inhaled deeply. 

Jensen smirked to himself before biting Jared’s thigh and coming up to give him a soft kiss on the lips. 

“I thought this was supposed to be celebratory?” Jared breathed once their lips parted, “Jenny, this is torture.” 

Jensen smiled and playfully bit Jared on the nose, “I’m just having a little fun. In eight months who knows if we’ll have time for this.” 

Jared placed both of his hands on either side of Jensen’s face and looked him in the eyes. “That’s not funny. We better make time.” He exhaled, “I never want to be one of those boring couples.” 

“Us? Boring?” Jensen teased, “Never.” 

“Good.” Jared smiled, “Promise me we’ll still fuck when we’re eighty.” 

Jensen gave Jared a quick kiss before stating, “I promise.” 

“God, I love you.” Jared breathed, running his thumb over his husband’s bottom lip, “You make me so damn happy, Jenny.” Jared exhaled, “Don’t ever forget that, okay? I love you. I love this baby. And I love the man you’ve help me become.” 

Jensen leaned down and gave Jared a tender kiss, licking Jared’s bottom lip, to which Jared responded by opening his mouth, letting Jensen slowly glide his tongue upon his own. 

Their hands wandered all over each other’s bodies, until Jensen found Jared’s hands and intertwined them with his own, pinning Jared down on both sides.

“I love you Jay.” Jensen smiled as he leaned over his husband, “You’re my everything. And there’s no one I’d rather bring a baby into the world with.” 

Jared returned Jensen’s smile with one of his own, though Jared’s smile quivered at its edges. “On a scale of one to ten, how much would it ruin the mood if I cried right now.” Jared asked.

“Is something wrong?” Jensen asked sincerely. 

“No.” Jared exhaled, “I’m just…I’m hungry, and I’m happy, and I love you…and I’m just feeling really emotional right now…I think it’s the hormones.” 

Jensen laughed and disconnected his hands from his husband’s. He languidly rolled over to Jared’s side and threw his legs over the side of the bed, getting up and out without a word before walking towards the bedroom door.

“Where are you going?” Jared pondered, “I still want you to fuck me! Bring that cute butt back here.” Jared commanded with a smile. 

Jensen playfully wagged his butt as his husband as he walked out of the door, and when he returned a minute later it was with a tray full of food. “For you, my Dimpled Darling.” Jensen smiled, setting the tray in front of his husband. “Open up.” Jensen instructed, offering his husband one of the strawberries on the plate in front of him. Jared gladly opened his mouth, allowing his husband to feed him the sweet fruit. “Food now, sex later?” Jensen proposed. 

"A man after my own heart." Jared smiled, “Did I already mention the fact that I love you?”

“Only a million times.” Jensen playfully rolled his eyes, grabbed another strawberry off of Jared’s plate and took a bite, “Don't worry Sasquatch. I love you too.” He hummed, offering the rest of the strawberry to his husband, who happily finished it. “I love you now, and I'll love you always.” Jensen breathed."I mean it."

And he did. He really did.


	32. White Walls

*****Present Day*****

 

“You comin’ with us, Jen?” Tom asked. He, Chad, and Misha were putting on their coats and going out for a drink, ending their Friday night the same way they had since they were fresh out of college. But Jensen hadn’t joined his friends on their weekly Friday nightcaps since he rejoined the firm a month earlier. 

Instead he stayed behind and he cried, just like he did every other day. He was completely overwhelmed by many aspects of his life, and finding it hard to readjust to his old one, though his friends –and family back home— tried to reassure him that everything would be okay. 

“You guys go, I’ll lock up.” Jensen tried his best to fake a smile, but he knew they could all see through him, aside from Chad, who had always been pretty oblivious to everything that didn’t directly concern him –or his penis—. 

Jensen hadn’t seen his husband in twelve days, which had been a record for him, but Jared’s psychiatrist at the hospital said that it would be good for them to spend a bit of time away from each other. 

In that span of time, Jared had completed his eighth treatment. He only had two more to go: one in New York and one back home in San Antonio.

Jensen was scheduled to visit Jared the next day, bright and early with Lilly by his side. But if the visit didn’t make him anxious enough, Jensen had no idea how his husband was going to react to seeing him or their daughter.

Jensen wished he had more than twenty four hours to prepare for his visit. But of course that’s not how time works. The rest of the night flew by in a tearful blur, and before Jensen knew it, Saturday had arrived.

“Alright Lillypad, are you ready to visit Daddy?” Jensen asked as he placed two pancakes on his daughter’s plate. 

“Yeah.” Lilly yawned. 

It was six in the morning. Much too early for a reasonable human being to be awake on a Saturday, which explained why they were the only two people awake in the Collins’ townhouse. 

“What are you going to say when you see him?” Jensen asked, curiously as he began cutting Lilly’s pancakes into little triangles. 

“I dunno.” Lilly shrugged, “I don’t think I’m going to say anything.” 

Jensen looked up at her, “Nothing?” 

“Nope.” Lilly shook her head, “I’m just going to give him a big hug.” She grabbed the syrup and began pouring it on to her pancakes as her father finished cutting them. “I think Daddy likes hugs more than he likes words.”

“Hmmm…interesting.” Jensen hummed, handing the utensils to his daughter. 

“What about you, Papa?” Lilly asked as she filled her mouth with a pancake piece. “What are you going to say?” 

“I don’t know yet.” Jensen sighed. He had been thinking about what to say for the better part of two weeks, but he still couldn’t come up with anything. At first, he didn’t want to talk to Jared at all, because he knew he had nothing positive to say to him. But as the days passed, Jensen began to miss his husband, and the anger within him had managed to subside a bit. 

“Hurry up and eat those pancakes Lillypad.” Jensen instructed, “Don’t forget we have to pick up some flowers for Daddy before we see him.” 

“Okay, Papa.” Lilly nodded, shoving another piece of pancake into her mouth 

Twenty minutes later, they were at Sal’s Flower Stand, picking out a bouquet of Lilies and Pink Roses for Jared, before finally making their way to St. Michaels. 

As they sat in the waiting room, Jensen kept his eyes lovingly on his daughter, who was combing her fingers through her pigtails. 

“Papa, your leg is shaking.” Lilly noted, “Stop it. It’s bothering me.” She pushed down on her father’s leg in order to stop it from bouncing. 

“Sorry Lillypad. I’m just excited to see your Daddy.” Jensen exhaled, though he was sure he was a lot more nervous than he was excited. 

A nurse wearing a blue uniform poked her head into the waiting room. “Ackles?” 

“That’s us.” Jensen noted, raising a finger on his free hand. 

“Great, right this way.” The nurse motioned for them to follow her, and they did. Lilly held her father’s free hand as they walked. 

For a psych ward it was surprisingly pleasant and clean…so, incredibly, clean. Though, for all of the money they were paying for Jared’s treatments and stays, Jensen wouldn’t have expected any less. 

Everything in the ward was white, and as they walked through the corridors, Jensen noticed that most everything was barren, save for the walls, which were decorated with bleak, dully colored paintings. 

The nurse noticed the unpleasant look Jensen had on his face as he observed one painting in particular. It was just a couple of grey, black, and pale blue spatters upon a white canvas. 

“Very Jackson Pollock.” Jensen hummed. 

“We don’t like to have anything too exciting on the walls.” The nurse explained, “Sometimes it upsets the patients.” 

“Hmm.” Jensen nodded, and continued to follow the nurse down the hall until she stopped in front of a room. 

“This is the rendezvous point. We’ll bring Jared in a minute, he’s just finishing up a group session.” The nurse said before opening the door. “Make yourself at home.”

The room was white, just like the rest of the ward. And it was was a minimalist’s wet dream. There was one metal table in the center of the room, and on both sides there was a chair. There was one window, high up on the left side of the room, and it let in a healthy amount of the early morning light. 

“Is this Daddy’s room?” Lilly asked, “Where is the bed?” 

“This is just a meeting room sweetheart.” The nurse smiled, “Your Daddy’s room is in another part of the unit. And I assure you, he has a bed there, so don’t you worry your cute little head.” The nurse patted Lilly’s head before looking back up at Jensen, “I’ll be right back.” 

Jensen nodded and she disappeared down the hall. 

“This place doesn’t seem comfy…or fun.” Lilly huffed as she walked around the room. “How is it supposed to make Daddy happy?”

“Wanna hold the flowers so you can give them to Daddy when he gets here?” Jensen asked, changing the subject. Lilly nodded and collected the flowers from her father.

A short moment later they heard the door click open. Lilly was sitting on Jensen’s lap –in one of the chairs– when they heard a quiet voice.

“Lillian?” Jensen heard his daughter’s name being called in a low whisper, followed by his own. “Jensen?” The voice called softly. 

Both Lilly and Jensen quickly turned towards the sound; their eyes growing wide as they did so.

They cut Jared’s hair. It wasn’t buzzed, but it was shorter than Jensen had ever seen his husband’s hair before. Jared looked a lot like the boy in the old photos Gerald and Sherri kept around their house. 

“Daddy!” Lilly exclaimed as she jumped off of Jensen’s lap and ran towards her father. She was still holding onto the flowers with her tiny hands. “Hi, Daddy!” 

“Hey there.” Jared gave his daughter a closed mouthed smile as she ran up to him. 

Jensen slowly rose out of the chair, still unable to get as much of a word out. Jared looked even shorter in his all white outfit, which was probably due to the fact that he was leaning back in order to support his rapidly growing belly. But at least he looked well rested and well fed. For the first time in a long time Jensen couldn’t see any bags under his husband’s eyes. 

“Papa and I brought you flowers!” Lilly smiled, holding them over her head and offering them to her father, who gladly accepted them.

Jared clutched the flowers, holding them close to his chest. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.” 

“Mhhmm. You’re welcome.” Lilly nodded. She placed her cheek against Jared's stomach before humming, "Hello little brother. I can't wait to meet you."

"You'll meet him soon." Jared assured her.

Jensen smiled. He cautiously approached his husband and daughter, stopping when he was no more than an arms length away from Jared. “Hey Jay.” Jensen breathed. 

“Hey Jenny.” Jared replied softly. It was the first time either of them had spoken to their husband in almost two weeks, and it felt good. It felt so damn good for them to hear each other’s voices again. 

They stood there in a moment of complete silence, just taking each other in. 

"Your hair. It’s different.” Jensen said, stating the obvious because he had no idea what to say. He felt nervous, like he was meeting Jared for the first time. 

“Yeah.” Jared breathed, “I asked them to cut it.” 

“Why Daddy?” Lilly piped in, “I liked your hair!” 

“I liked it too.” Jared sighed, “But I thought I would try something different. It was time for a change.” 

“Aww okay.” Lilly hung her head. 

“What? You don’t like this?” Jared asked his daughter, pointing to his short locks. 

“I just like your long hair better. That’s all.” Lilly sighed. 

“Don’t worry Lillypad. It’’ll grow back.” Jared reassured his daughter with a small smile, and she nodded in response. 

“I think it looks great.” Jensen breathed, “You look…you look so handsome Jay.”

Jared looked at Jensen, his smile growing at its corners. “You mean it?” 

“Yeah.” Jensen shook his head, trying his hardest to keep himself from crying. He missed his husband so damn much. “You’re beautiful Jared.” 

Jensen moved in to lessen the space between him and his husband, but just as he was getting close, Jared clutched the flowers closer to his body and frantically asked, “Do you wanna sit down?” Before pointing to the set of chairs in the center of the room. 

Jensen backed away slightly, confused by his husband’s actions. “Oh—okay.” He nodded. 

Jared looked down at Lilly and held the flowers out to her. “There’s a nurse right outside the door. Do you want to go help her put these flowers in a vase for me so we can put them in my room?” 

“Sure Daddy.” Lilly smiled and took the flowers from him before opening the door and repeating the request to the nurse, who happily took Lilly, and the flowers, with her down the hall. 

Once Lilly was gone, Jared turned his attention back to Jensen. “Please.” Jared exhaled and pointed at the chairs again, “Sit.”

Jensen nodded and followed Jared’s instructions. He sat down in the chair where he was previously seated, and Jared sat down across from him.

“I miss you.” Jensen breathed. He placed his hands on the table, palms facing up, offering them out for Jared to take.

He didn’t. Not at first.

Instead, Jared looked down at Jensen’s hands for three long, grueling, minutes without saying as much as a word. But right when Jensen was about to return his hands to his lap in defeat, Jared reached out and grabbed on to them as though his life depended on it. 

“Don’t.” Jared begged, holding on to his –very surprised, and very confused— husband’s hands, “Don’t leave.”

“I’m not going to leave, Jay.” Jensen said, worriedly. “I’m not going to leave you.” 

Jared nodded and let go of Jensen’s hands. “I’m sorry.” Jared whispered. 

“It’s okay Jay.” Jensen exhaled.

“You—you don’t have to forgive me, and it’s okay if you don’t love me anymore.” Jared whispered, “I know…I know what I did was wrong.” 

Jensen tried his hardest to ignore the lump growing in his throat. “I uh…I don’t forgive you. Not yet…not really. And I don’t forgive myself either.” Jensen looked down, “But I still love you. That’s not going to change.” Jensen looked up at his husband; “I don’t _like_ you that much right now. But I still love you.” 

Jared nodded, “I understand. I don’t really like myself either…but I’m working on that.” 

There was a moment of silence before Jensen opened his mouth to speak again. 

“How are you feeling, Jay?” Jensen asked once the silence passed. 

“Like a prisoner.” Jared said dully. “But at least I’m not hurting anyone, right? Must feel great having a burden temporarily lifted off of your shoulders. ” 

“Jared you are _not_ a burden.” Jensen huffed, “You’re my husband and I love you. Do you think I would go through any of this if I thought you were just a burden?”

Jared shrugged, “I don’t understand how you can still love me…after everything I’ve done...” 

Jensen sighed, “Because you’re the father of my children. Because you’re my soul mate…And because it’s not your fault you’ve been behaving this way.” 

“It’s not.” Jared sighed, “You’re right. It’s not my fault. It's my depression.” 

Jensen looked up, startled by his husband’s revelation. 

“I learned that in my last few group sessions.” Jared inhaled, closing his eyes, “But it’s still not fair that I’ve put you through so much. It’s not fair that I make you put up with my destructive, self-loathing bullshit.” 

“Hey!” Jensen breathed, “You don’t make me do _anything_! I’ve chosen to stay by your side Jay. And I do it because I love you…” Jensen sighed, “Though I have to admit, after what you did, I didn’t think love would be enough to fix things…and I still don’t know if it will…but I want to see what happens when you finish your treatments. I want to know if there’s even a slither of a chance that we can fix _anything_.” 

Jared nodded slowly and repeatedly, until he let his head fall onto the table, erupting into a fit of tears. “Thank you!” He cried. 

“Wh—what?” Jensen breathed.

Jared picked his head up and reached out for his husband. Jensen readily held on to Jared's hand as he continued to cry, “Thank you for not giving up on me! Thank you for saying you like my haircut…even though I know you don’t.” 

“But I—” Jensen began to defend himself, though his husband was telling the truth. He was going to miss Jared’s long locks. But if it cutting his hair made Jared happier, then so be it. As long as Jared was happy, Jensen would be too.

“Thank you for giving me time to heal, and to get better. Because I am.” Jared wept.

Jensen got up from his seat and crossed the table, squatting by his husband’s side. “Jared.” Jensen smiled through his own tears which had begun to fall. “I am _so_ proud of you sweetheart. You’ve been so strong. So, so strong. You’re going to beat this. Sure, you’ve lost a few battles…but you’re gunna win this war.” 

Jared picked his head back up and turned to Jensen, giving him a closed mouthed smile. “I’m gunna win, Jenny.” He smiled, “And you know what? Asher thinks so too.” 

“Asher?” Jensen asked confusedly.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, placing a loving hand on his stomach. “We had this baby naming exercise during one of our group sessions, and I chose Asher… It means both ‘blessed’ and ‘happy.’” Jared explained, “And it’s not set in stone or anything, but—” 

“I love it.” Jensen smiled and reached up, caressing his husband’s face with his hands. “Jared I love it.”

“Really?” Jared smiled weakly. 

“Mhmmm.” Jensen nodded.

“You know, he kicks now.” Jared sniffled. 

“What?” Jensen gasped. 

“All the time actually.” Jared noted, “The doctors said it’s a bit early for him to be doing so…but I’ll take that over anything…” Jared sniffled, “Because at least he’s moving… ya’ know?” 

Jensen placed his forehead against Jared’s, continuing to hold his husband’s head in his hands. “He’ll make it, Jay.” Jensen whispered, “He’s going to be strong, just like his Daddy.”

It was in that moment that Jensen leaned up and placed his lips upon his husband’s for the first time in four long, woeful months.

It felt so pure; so full of hope; so full of promise. And Jensen was pleasantly surprised when Jared kissed him back, placing his hands on the back of Jensen’s neck, and -ever so slightly- deepening the kiss before finally pulling away. 

“He kicked!” Jared said. His eyes widened in surprise when he felt it happen again. “Jenny, he’s kicking!” He took one of Jensen’s hands and placed it on his stomach. 

“Wow.” Jensen breathed. He smiled through his tears. He hadn’t felt any of his children kick since Lilly. None of them had made it that far. “Wow.” 

“That’s our baby, Jenny. That’s our son.” Jared beamed through his own tears, “Asher. Asher Ackles.” 

“Asher Ackles.” Jensen repeated with a smile; because for the first time in a long time, he felt like everything was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking around guys! Things are finally looking up for Jared and Jensen, and I'm really happy about it! As usual, I'd love to hear your comments, they're the highlight of my writing process!


	33. Happy Basket(case)

“Alright everyone. There have been many important take-aways from these sessions, but the most important thing you must all remember is that that depression is an episodic illness. Sad days, happy days, each will come and go…but the goal is to have the happy days outnumber the sad ones.”

Jared sat absentmindedly within the circle of chairs, no longer paying attention to the words Eliza, the group therapist, was saying. He just wanted to finish his last treatment. He just wanted to go home; West Village, San Antonio, wherever. It didn’t matter as long as he had Jensen and Lilly by his side.

“Isn’t that right Jared?” Eliza asked.

“Huh? What?” Jared huffed, shaking himself back to reality. 

“You’re leaving for San Antonio after your treatment today, aren’t you?” Eliza pondered. 

“Oh, yeah. I am.” Jared breathed. He ran his hand through his short locks and sighed. It still felt strange to grasp air where his hair used to be. Strange, and different, but good nonetheless. 

“Well we have a small parting gift for you.” Eliza said with a smile. She turned around and pulled a large basket out from behind her chair. “Amy made the basket, and then each of us put in something that makes us happy.”

“I put in my favorite John Mayer album.” A girl named Melanie noted. She was twenty two, with beach blonde hair and a face full of freckles. By all accounts, she didn’t belong there, sitting in a circle made up of grown men and women who had already hit rock bottom. But if one were to lift up Melanie’s arm full of bangles, then they would understand exactly what she was doing there. 

“And I put in my ol’ Polo fedora.” An elderly man, Geoffrey, smiled as he watched Eliza hand the basket over to Jared.

“Thanks guys.” Jared smiled. As he accepted the basket he could feel tears begin to fall down his face.

“We’re going to miss you Jared.” Eliza said, “But we’re so happy with the progress you’ve made. I honestly believe you’re one treatment away from better days.”

“Me too.” Jared said, giving the room a closed-mouth simile. He looked down at the basket in front of him and pulled out a small black teddy bear. It was holding a plush red heart that had the words “ _I love you_ ” stitched into it in white cursive letters. It was simple and generic, save for the name written on the tag.

“That was mine” Eliza breathed. “When I was a little girl, it was the last thing my father gave me before he committed suicide.”

Jared looked up at her solemnly. 

“It sounds morbid, I know.” Eliza inhaled and clasped her hands together before placing them in her lap. “But it was the only good thing in my life after he passed. It got me through some hard times, and reminded me of all the good ones…all the reasons to keep fighting…and uh, I figured Lilly might like to have it.” 

Jared ran his thumb over the bear’s worn fur, tracing a stitch on the underside of its bottom as he listened to Eliza speak. 

“When I thought I couldn’t make it…I’d hold that bear as close as I could. All night…It was a reminder that I was loved…that someone…that _my dad_ loved me.” Liza breathed, “But I don’t need a teddy bear to tell me that now. I know. My dad gave me all of his love before he passed, and he would have wanted me to pass it on, so…off it goes.”

Jared straightened the red bow that was loosely tied around the bear’s neck before placing it back in the basket. 

“Thank you.” Jared nodded as he bit his bottom lip, trying his hardest not to cry. “Really. All of you…thank you.” 

An orderly came beside Jared and placed a hand on his shoulder before offering to take the basket back to Jared’s room. “It’ll be there waiting for you after your treatment.” The orderly smiled, taking the basket from Jared, who handed it carefully to him. 

“Group hug?” Melanie suggested once the orderly left the room.

“Group hug.” Jared nodded, before standing up along with the other members of the circle.

“We’ll miss you.” Eliza breathed once they had all been enveloped in an embrace.

They held on to each other for a minute before Eliza finally called an end to the meeting and everyone said their respective goodbyes. 

And when Jared exited the room he was greeted by Jensen, who had been waiting in the hallway for his husband to finally emerge from his final meeting. 

“Jay!” Jensen smiled, immediately pulling Jared in for a hug. 

“Hey Jenny.” Jared breathed. 

Jensen placed his hands on Jared’s cheeks and looked lovingly into his eyes. “You ready for your treatment today?” 

“I’m just ready to get out of this place.” Jared sighed.

“Yeah. Well, I’m ready to take you home.” Jensen smiled. 

Jared looked down at the ground and exhaled, “Will you hold my hand…when I’m in there?”

“Hey,” Jensen breathed, “Look at me.” Jensen used his hand to lift Jared’s chin so that he could look at him, but Jared resisted slightly. 

“Look at me, Jay.” Jensen repeated, and this time Jared replied, lifting his head though he still had to look down at his slightly shorter husband. “I’ll be right by your side the entire time.” Jensen leaned into Jared and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, “I won’t let go.” Jensen reassured Jared, running his right thumb along his husband’s cheek. “How’s the little one?” 

Jared placed a hand on his stomach, gently rubbing it. “Still kicking.” he said with a smile.

“I already scheduled an ultrasound back in San Antonio.” Jensen noted, “Gotta make sure both of my babies are doing alright.” 

“Both?” Jared raised an eyebrow. 

“Lilly’s practically a little lady now, she doesn’t count.” Jensen laughed, “She helped Vicki make dinner last night, and I’ve been letting her iron her uniform for over a week.” 

“You’ve what?” Jared gasped. 

“Relax, Sasquatch. She has yet to discover that I never actually turn the iron on for her.” Jensen smiled. 

“Oh, thank god.” Jared exhaled.

“Misha let her use the blender on Tuesday, though.” Jensen noted. 

“He did wh—” 

Jensen shut Jared up with a kiss on the lips, smiling into it. “I’m kidding. I’m kidding.” Jensen laughed once they had parted. 

“Jenny I’m pregnant, _and_ I suffer from severe anxiety.” Jared exhaled, “Now, unless you want me to go into labor four months early…” 

Jensen kissed Jared’s forehead and took one of Jared’s hands in his, “I’m sorry, baby. I was just playing around.”

Jared sighed, “I know.” He gave his husband a closed-mouth smile, keeping his forehead pressed against Jensen’s. “I promise I’ll be ready for jokes soon. My uh—my sense of humor isn’t where it used to be.” 

“I understand.” Jensen nodded. The smile on his face turned into a smirk, “What about your sex drive?” 

Jared lifted his forehead off of Jensen’s and gave him a stern look. “Still not funny.” He squeezed Jensen’s hand before beginning to pull him down the hallway and toward his room, where he knew Dr. Aarons was waiting. 

“But I’m not joking.” Jensen playfully whined as Jared dragged him down the hallway. 

A lot had changed in the past month. Jensen had become a lot more playful and light hearted, as he let himself become less worried about Jared. He still didn’t forgive Jared for what he had attempted to do, but he was trying his best to move on, just like he knew Jared was trying to do as well. 

Jensen felt as though it was safe to say that, yes, he still loved Jared. But at the same time, he definitely wasn’t _in_ love with him anymore.

And maybe he would fall back in love with Jared, but there was no telling when, how, or even _if_ that would happen again. Though oddly, Jensen wasn’t all that worried about it. Guaranteeing the stability of his children’s futures mattered more than guaranteeing the stability of his and Jared’s relationship. 

Having Jared stay in the psych ward had done wonders for the both of them. With the help of his group sessions, Jared was learning how to deal with his depression. And because he knew Jared was safe and okay, Jensen was free to concentrate on work, and Lilly. 

Though at first neither of them wanted to admit it, Jared and Jensen needed time away from each other. That way when they were finally together again, they appreciated each other’s company tenfold. 

So when it was time for Jared’s treatment, Jensen held his hand the entire time, just like he had promised. And though he was still not accustomed to the sight of Jared’s convulsing body, when the treatments started, Jensen simply looked away and tightened his grip on his husband’s hand. 

“That’s it. It’s done.” Dr. Aarons huffed, giving Jensen a pat on the shoulder once he had finished administering Jared’s treatment. 

Dr. Aarons made a circular motion with his index finger and the nurses wheeled Jared out of the room, forcing Jensen to release his husband’s hand.

“What’s the rush, Dr.?” Jensen asked as he watched the nurses wheel his husband out of the room. 

Dr. Aarons let out a small laugh; “I promised Jared I would get him out of here as soon as possible. I know he’s been talking about how excited he is to leave.” 

“Oh…” Jensen breathed. 

“Don’t worry, we’re still going to go through the standard procedure. I’m just speeding up the things that I can.” Dr. Aarons reassured Jensen with a smile. “We still have some paperwork to fill. Hopefully it wont take too long and your husband will be able to leave within an hour of waking up.” 

It was incredibly wishful thinking. Jensen hadn’t finished filling out all of the required paperwork until an hour after Jared had woken up and been declared fit to leave. But despite all of this, when they said their final goodbyes to Dr. Aarons and slid into a cab, neither of them could have been happier –well, Jensen, maybe…but Jared had reached likely reached the maximum level of happiness that his last treatment had allotted him. Still, that was a lot happier than Jensen had seen his husband in years. 

Jared sang along to the Beatles the entire way back to the townhouse. He sang at the top of his lungs, and it was incredibly off key, but Jensen didn’t care, because Jared was smiling, and laughing, and dancing in his seat as the cabby drove them back to the Collins'. 

Jensen told the cab driver her would pay him an extra ten dollars if he turned up the volume, so he did, and Jared’s off-tune singing only got louder. 

“I am the eggman.” Jared poked Jensen’s side as he sang. “They are the eggmen!” 

Jensen laughed, swatting his husband’s hand away. “Quit it Jay.” 

Jared ignored his husband and continued to sing as he wound his window down, “I am the walrus! Goo goo g'joob!” Jared sang as he stuck his head out of the window. 

Jensen screamed and the cab nearly swerved into oncoming traffic. “Jesus Christ! Jay get your head back in this fucking car, _right_ now!” He meant to sound stern, but found himself laughing as he spoke. 

Jared complied after a moment of hesitation, “Doesn’t it just feel so great to be alive, Jenny?” He said, after returning back to his seat, “It hasn’t felt this good in years… to be alive.”

Jensen glanced over at his husband, who was smiling with his hands wrapped around his belly. Jensen wanted to ask the cab driver to pull the car over. He wanted to get out of the cab and make out with Jared while they sat on a stranger’s stoop like a couple of teenagers. But instead he just returned Jared’s smile with one of his own. 

“I’m glad you feel that way Jay.” Jensen breathed, happily welcoming the tears that began to fall from his eyes. 

“Me too.” Jared sighed. He placed his hand on Jensen’s thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze before repeating, “Me too.” He leaned his head on Jensen’s shoulder letting out a puff of air as he did so. 

“You’ll need to be on bed rest soon. No more running around, or traveling.” Jensen explained, “So we need to start looking for a place here in New York, for when we get back from San Antonio.”

“When are we going to San Antonio?” Jared asked, drumming on his thighs.

“Your treatment is scheduled for next Thursday.” Jensen replied. 

“Next Thursday?” Jared gasped. “That’s in a week.”

“I know.”

“Are you telling me we have _one week_ to find a place to live!” Jared huffed, running a worried hand through his hair, while the other rested on his stomach. 

“Yes and no.” Jensen said sheepishly as 'Cant Buy Me Love' began to play.

Jared shot Jensen a look. But before Jared could say anything Jensen continued to speak. 

“Misha and I have been looking for apartments in the Upper West Side for about a month now.”

“The Upper West Side?” Jared raised his eyebrow, “Can we afford that right now?”

“Misha wasn’t lying when he said the firm was doing well.” Jensen noted, but Jared raised a suspicious eyebrow in response. 

Jensen cleared his throat before admitting, “I also took out a small loan.”

Jared exhaled deeply, bringing his other hand back to his stomach. “How small, Jenny?”

“What do you want to have for dinner on your first night back? I’m sure you must be craving something. Mint chocolate Ice cream? Shake Shack fries? Nutella and pickles, like when you were pregnant with Lilly?” Jensen smiled, attempting to change the subject.

“How small, Jenny?” Jared repeated with a huff. 

Jensen took a deep breath before rushing out, “A little over a hundred thousand.” He breathed, “But we’ll have it back in no time, so don’t worry.” He put a reassuring hand on his husband’s knee. 

“Christ.” Jared laughed dismally, resting his head against the car window.

“Don’t worry Jay, it’ll all be okay. It’s still cheaper than West Village, you know that…” Jensen hushed. He ran a hand through Jared’s hair and tucked a short strand behind his ear. “Just take care of yourself and our precious little Asher.” Jensen leaning in and placed a kiss on his husband’s growing belly. “I’ll take care of both of you too, as well as everything else. Trust me.”

Jared closed his eyes and nodded while he exhaled. “I trust you.” 

“Good.” Jensen smiled playfully, giving Jared a kiss on the cheek. 

The rest of the ride was spent more or less in pleasant silence, with Jared and Jensen holding hands and listening to more of the Beatles' best hits until they finally got back to the townhouse.

“Where is everyone?” Jared pondered once they entered the empty home. 

“Jay it’s one o’clock on a Thursday.” Jensen laughed, “Lilly and West are at school, Maison’s at day care, and Vicki and Misha are at work.” 

“Oh.” Jared nodded. 

“Why don’t you go wash up, and I’ll take you wherever you want for lunch?” Jensen proposed, shifting Jared’s large basket in his arms. 

“Okay.” Jared nodded, and Jensen followed him into the guestroom, placing the basket on the floor, beside the door. 

“What’s even in this thing anyway?” Jensen asked, as he surveyed the contents of the basket. He picked up Melanie's album, “John Mayer? Seriously?” 

Jared let out a tired laugh, “I’ll explain later.”

“Alrighty.” Jensen exhaled, placing the album back in the basket. 

“Are you gunna come with me?” Jared asked. 

“Huh? Come with you where?” Jensen breathed. He stood up and leaned against the door, instantly noticing that Jared had begun to undress. “To the shower?”

“Yeah.” Jared shrugged, stepping out of his white ward pants for the last time. “Would you help me with this please?” Jared huffed as he tugged at his shirt. 

“Yeah, I’ve got you.” Jensen said, making his way over to Jared. 

“So, are you coming?” Jared asked again, once his shirt had been removed. 

“Um, it’s probably better if I don’t.” Jensen said honestly, throwing Jared’s shirt onto the bed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jared tilted his head. 

“I just think you owe it to yourself to enjoy your first shower at home, alone.” Jensen explained.

“But I don’t want to enjoy it alone. I want to enjoy it with my husband.” Jared insisted. 

“I uh—I just don’t think that’s the best idea.” Jensen sighed. 

“Oh. I get it.” Jared whispered, “You don’t _want_ to.” 

“No that’s not it Jay!” Jensen reached out towards Jared, but he backed away from him. 

“I’m too fat! Too pregnant!” Jared huffed. He pulled his briefs down so that he was completely naked. “What? You don’t want to see me like this?” 

“No. Jay, you look radiant!” Jensen tried to explain.

“That’s just another way of saying I look fat!”

“Huh? What?” Jensen shook his head in confusion, “This isn’t about your weight Jay.” 

“Oh really? Then what is it? Why don’t you want to shower with me Jenny?” Jared probed desperately. 

“Because!” Jensen yelled. He took a deep breath and collected himself before speaking again. “Because.” He repeated in a much softer tone. “You tried to kill our baby, Jay. Lilly saw you… _bleeding_ on the floor…and she had nightmares for weeks. _Weeks_ , Jay!” Jensen breathed, “Thank God she only thinks you fell in the shower.”

“I didn’t know.” Jared whispered, “I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah well I can’t just forgive you and forget about it. Not this time.” Jensen breathed, “I just…I need time too.” 

Jared kept his mouth wired shut as he nodded his head. 

“We just have to try and move on. I won’t forget…but yeah…I’ll forgive. In time.” Jensen breathed. “So let’s not ruin today, okay? You go get washed up and I’ll take you out to lunch.” 

“Okay.” Jared nodded, tuning his back on Jensen and heading into the bathroom adjacent to the room. 

As soon as Jensen heard the water running, he called Misha. 

“Hey. Are you guys back yet?” Misha asked. 

“Yeah, we just got in.” Jensen breathed, wiping his face with his free hand. He exited the guestroom, shutting the door quietly behind him before beginning to pace back and forth along the hallway. 

“How is he?” Misha pondered. 

“He’s—he’s good.” Jensen breathed, “Dare I even say great. He was singing on the cab ride back.”

“That’s fantastic Jen!” Misha hooted. 

“Yeah, but…things just hit a bit of a bump.” Jensen sighed. 

“Already?!” 

“He wanted me to shower with him Meesh.” 

“And…?” 

“And I said no, of course!” Jensen whispered harshly. 

“I’m guessing he didn’t take that so well.” Misha deduced. 

“Well I’m trying my hardest to stay positive…you know I’m doing this for Lilly and Asher.” Jensen said softly, “But at the same time, I know being negative…getting upset…it would do more harm than good. Especially right now.” 

“That’s right.” Misha agreed, “But still. Be gentle with him. Gentle, but firm.” 

“Those are oxymoronic instructions.” Jensen huffed in frustration. 

“Be nice.” Misha ordered, “But remember…there’s being nice and there’s—“ 

“Misha. I know…” Jensen interjected, “And like I told you before. I don’t have to like him…but I love him, and I’m happy with the progress he’s made.” 

“Well, just don’t give him the wrong idea.” Misha cautioned. “Don’t kiss him just for the sake of kissing him.” 

“How did you know—” 

“You’re my best friend, Jen.” Misha breathed, “I know you.” 

“I’m just trying to fall back in love with him, Meesh. You should have seen him when he got out of his treatment today…his smile…it—it belonged to the man I married.” 

“Just be careful.” Misha breathed, “You were right by not getting in the shower with him.” 

Jensen took a deep breath, “This is just so hard Meesh. I’m so, utterly, completely lost.” 

“It’s okay, Jen. I bet Jared is too.” 

Just then, Jensen heard the water stopped running. 

“Jared’s out of the shower, I’ve gotta go.” Jensen noted. 

“Alright, I’ll see you later.” Misha said, “Don’t forget Vicki has a special dinner planned for Jared tonight.” 

“Shit, yeah.” Jensen breathed. 

“Don’t tell me…"

“Yeah I forgot, but it’s okay. I’m taking Jared to lunch anyway.” Jensen explained.

“Okay good. I’ll see you tonight.” Misha supposed, before hanging up the phone. 

“Who was that?” Jared asked. When Jensen turned around to look at him, he saw Jared leaning against the doorframe with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“It was Misha. He said Vicki’s making you a special dinner tonight.” Jensen smiled, placing his phone in his pocket. 

“That’s nice of her.” Jared noted. 

“It is.” Jensen nodded, “Have you thought of what you want for lunch?” 

“Yeah, but uh…Can we talk first?” Jared asked shyly. 

Jensen nodded. 

“Thanks. Let me just get dressed first.” Jared remarked.

“Of course. Take your time.” Jensen breathed. 

“I’ll do no such thing!” Jared smiled, “Nutella and pickles are calling my name!” 

Jensen let out a chuckled as he watched his husband disappear back into the room, where he emerged five minutes later wearing an oversized purple dog shirt and a pair of paternity pants. 

“Okay, let’s talk.” Jared huffed, making his way past Jensen, “To the couch please.” 

“Alright, boss.” Jensen exhaled, following his husband into the living room. 

Jared sat down on the couch and immediately reclined, spreading his feet on the cushion in front of him, but as Jensen approached the couch, he removed his husband’s feet from the cushion and let them fall onto his lap instead. 

“What’re you—“ Jared gasped. 

“Shhh.” Jensen hushed, taking his husband’s feet into his hands and beginning to massage them. 

“Jensen…” Jared mumbled suspiciously. 

“I’m just loosening you up. The market is only fourteen blocks away, but trust me, you’re gunna feel it around the fourth one.” Jensen laughed. 

“Hey!” Jared giggled, “I think I can last at least seven before I make you carry me.” 

“Carry you?” Jensen laughed. 

“Hell yeah Jenny. I remember how much you can lift.” Jared smiled. 

Jensen let out a glum laugh. This was the type of cheeky banter he had missed so dearly.

“Goddammit Jay.” Jensen sighed, “What the hell are we doing?”

“I don’t know.” Jared shrugged, “You’re the one rubbing my feet.”

“Today has been really strange.” Jensen blew.

“In what way?” Jared huffed.

“We’ll, I can’t really tell what’s going on with you.” Jensen admitted. 

“I can tell you.” Jared folded his arms over his belly. “I was incredibly happy. _Happy_ , Jenny. For _once_ , after so long…I mean, I fucking sang for God’s sake. For the first time since, I don’t know when!” Jared paused, “And then you kind of ruined it.” 

“Ouch.” Jensen grumbled. 

“C’mon Jenny. Think about it.” Jared proposed, “You wasted no time bringing up the loan, which obviously freaked me the fuck out…and then you made me feel bad about things I know I can’t fix…things I’ve spent the last month trying to cope with…and then you didn’t want to shower with me _because_ , I don’t know…you don’t love me anymore? And now here you are...rubbing my feet? For what?” 

“That’s not fair, Jay.” Jensen sighed. 

“You asked me what’s been up with me…so I told you.” Jared shrugged.

Jensen continued to rub Jared’s feet in silence for a moment before exhaling and saying “I love you, Jared. You know that…But a lot has happened” Jensen paused, “We’ve really hurt each other Jay. And I think…I think we just need to learn how to love ourselves again before we can be serious about loving each other.” 

“So, what are you saying?” Jared queried. 

“I’m saying…let’s be friends.” 

“Friends?” Jared repeated in a whisper. He hastily dropped his feet on the ground beneath the chair, knocking them out of Jensen’s grasp. 

“Jay…” Jensen sighed, slowly brushing his hands on his thighs. “Let’s have this baby. Let’s take care of Lilly and Asher.” Jensen proposed, “Let’s take car of our family, and ourselves…and see what happens from there.” 

Jared looked down at his stomach, saying nothing as Jensen continued to speak. 

“I love you, Jay. And I know you love me too.” Jensen moved off of the cushion and got down on his knees in front of his husband. He reached out and took one of Jared’s hands in his own. “Hopefully, in time, we can fall _in_ love with each other again.” 

“I know you want what’s best for me, and this family.” Jared said, squeezing Jensen’s hand. 

“I do. I want that more than anything.” Jensen noted. “All I ask is that we start small.” 

Jared bit his lip pensively as he looked down at Jensen, “I can do that.” Jared nodded. 

Jensen kissed Jared’s hand, rubbing it tenderly with his thumb. “Then let’s get you that Nutella.” 

“Thought you’d never ask.” Jared smiled. 

With that, he took Jensen’s hand and the two of them headed out of the townhouse, making their way to the market.

Jared lasted eight blocks before he became too tired to continue on, so Jensen carried him, bridal style, the rest of the way there. Where they both arrived, tired, but smiling in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're making our way towards the end of this story!! Thanks to everyone who has commented thus far, and encouraged me to keep writing <3 <3


	34. Friends, Family, Fragility

The week passed in a hectic blur. As their trip to San Antonio drew near, Jared and Jensen found themselves fumbling through a laundry list of things that had to be done before their return to Texas. The endless array of tasks almost made Jared feel as though things were beginning to normalize around him. 

He was being kept busy, for the most part. When Jared wasn’t helping Vicki in the kitchen, or helping Lilly and West with their homework, he was helping Jensen pick out curtains for their new home –the one they hadn’t even decided on yet—or admiring his swollen belly in the mirror. 

Jared needed to keep busy. It helped him forget Jensen’s words; the words that rang through his ears whenever he was alone with his thoughts. 

_Let’s be friends. Let’s be friends. Let’s be friends._

For the past week that was all he could think about. When Jensen got into bed beside him every night. When they toured houses. When their arms brushed against each other’s at the dinner table. 

They had been civil. Friendly. Kept a decent amount of space between each other in bed every night. Made sure not to call each other any pet names. Refrained from seeing each other in various states of undress.  

And though Jared tried to think positively during the week, he still couldn't understand the motive behind Jensen's earlier statement. Jared had friends, he didn't need another one; and a friend wouldn’t have gotten him pregnant. 

Whether Jensen realized it or not, by solely being a “friend,” he was dropping the ball and doing more harm than good to Jared's psyche. It didn't matter how much Jensen  _claimed_  to love Jared. If he really loved him, he had to realize that this wasn't the way to show it.

Jared needed Jensen to do more than just "be there." Jared needed a husband. He needed a husband who wasn't afraid to love him; and who truly understood what he was going through. Jared needed a sense of intimacy, and not necessarily in the physical sense. He needed a sense of closeness that a friend couldn't give him. A type of support...a type of  _unity_  that a friend just couldn't provide. Jared needed his husband...He needed Jensen. 

Jared needed Jensen to be  _the one_. The one he was. The one he always claimed to be... His soulmate, his friend, his lover –maybe eventually—, and most importantly, his partner. And he hoped that he and Jensen didn't want different things; that maybe Jensen just needed time to understand him and the situation. Jared hoped Jensen had just made a mistake; misunderstood the meaning behind his words, and how they would affect him. 

Jared was broken, and he knew it. He used to think Jensen would be the one to help put him back together again, but now he just wasn't sure anymore. Of anything.  

“Maybe you’ll be the one who makes me feel whole again.” Jared whispered to his belly as he rubbed it. After getting out of the shower he wrapped a towel loosely around his hips and looked down. He was mesmerized by the way his belly protruded over the folded cloth.  

“Or maybe you’ll take away the last living piece of me there is left...The one I've been trying so hard to keep.” Jared looked at his reflection in the mirror and sighed. “Either way, I’ll love you." He admitted. "Any piece of me that you need, go ahead and take it. Okay? I just need you to live. Can you do that for me, Ash?” 

Jared felt a strong kick in his lower abdomen and he smiled in response. “I’m glad you stuck around.” Jared breathed, rubbing his stomach. “I’m…I’m glad _I_  stuck around.” 

There was a knock on the bathroom door. 

“You almost ready Jay?” Jensen asked cautiously. “Don’t forget, Misha and Vicki are taking Maison to get her boosters, so we’re walking Lilly and West to school.” 

"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute." Jared replied. 

They had officially re-enrolled Lilly in Mortlander Prep, where she was set to join West in Mrs. Wadsworth’s second grade class. It was only a fifteen minute walk from the Collins’, as opposed to the thirty minute walk it would have been from Ackles' new neighborhood of the Upper West Side, so Jared was going to milk those extra fifteen minutes in the shower while he still had time to do so.  

"Okay, well Vicki made pancakes before she left, and I saved you a few. The little vultures tried to steal your plate but I kept it safe." Jensen laughed, "West, man...that kid has  _some_  kind of appetite."

Jared opened the bathroom door to find Jensen still chuckling on the other side of it. "Thanks." Jared smiled at Jensen and he immediately stopped laughing. 

"I uh...you're uh...you're welcome." Jensen stuttered. He was nervous. It was obvious, and it was adorable. 

Jensen was completely taken aback. It was the least clothed that he had seen Jared in months, and it was a stark contrast to what he remembered seeing. Jared had a smooth, round belly where his abs used to be, and his cheeks were rosier than a prom queen’s. For the first time in a long time, Jared looked healthy.  

"I can heat them up for you now...if you want?" Jensen hummed, "So by the time you're dressed they'll be warm." 

"I'd like that." Jared breathed. And with that, Jensen nodded and made his way out of the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

Once Jensen had left the room, Jared began getting dressed. He threw on a black shirt and a pair of paternity pants before throwing on a loose grey suit jacket, a pair of boots, and one of his favorite Burberry scarves.

When he saw himself in the mirror he smiled. Jared hadn't cared to put any effort into the way he dressed in a little over a year, but during the course of the week he found himself re-discovering the things he used to love.  

He had favorites again. Favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite pieces of clothing...some of which he had Jensen re-buy in paternity sizes—the ones he could find, that is _—_. Jared even had a favorite time of the day, 7:54 PM. It was when he felt the most calm. Right when the day started to slow down and creep into night.  

Jared took another look in the mirror and observed his reflection. "You matter." Jared whispered, beginning the daily affirmations he had grown accustomed to repeating while under psychiatric care. "Today I am willing to accept my imperfections. I believe in myself as a capable father, and human being." Jared took a deep breath and continued, "I am good enough in all that I do. And today I embrace all that I am."  

Jared stared intently at his reflection. "Today, and everyday, I will love myself first." He took another deep breath before nodding to himself. For the first time in a long time, he liked who was staring back at him. 

There was another knock on the door, but this time the person on the other side of it didn’t ask if they could come in before swinging the door ajar. 

“Daddy your pancakes are ready!” Lilly sang as she ran into the room. “Come and eat so we can go to school!” She grabbed onto Jared’s hand and tugged on it in an attempt to drag her father into the kitchen. In a lighthearted attempt to appease his daughter, Jared let Lilly believe she was actually strong enough to pull him out of the room. And when they finally reached the kitchen, Jared was met with West’s smiling face. 

“G’morning Uncle Jared!” West exclaimed as he hopped out of his chair. He left the dining table behind and ran up to his uncle, giving him a large hug. 

“Good morning buddy.” Jared smiled. He looked up and noticed a plate of pancakes on the kitchen island, but Jensen was nowhere in sight. 

Jared turned to Lilly, who was putting a green apple into her lunch pail. “Lillypad, where’s your Papa?” 

“He left.” Lilly noted.  

“He left?” Jared repeated nervously. 

Lilly zipped up her lunch pail and moved over to West’s, throwing an apple into his lunch pail before turning around and nodding, “Yeah. He said he had to get something.” 

“Why would he…where could he…” Jared looked down at his watch. It was 7:25 so they were cutting it close. Jared would either have to shovel down his pancakes, or just reheat them again later if they were going to drop the kids off on time.  

The front door opened and Jensen came running into the kitchen. “We were out of whipped cream, and I know how much you love whipped cream…so I asked the Tallys next door if they had any.” Jensen rushed, “And voilà!” He lifted up a can of Reddi Whip, presenting it to Jared. “For you, my Dimpled Dar—.” Jensen paused awkwardly. “Umm…” 

“Thanks.” Jared took the whipped cream from Jensen, who was silently scolding himself for letting the term of endearment almost slip past his lips. He didn't want to overstep the boundaries that he had made, but the pet name had come so naturally to him. He couldn't deny that it had been difficult to refrain from calling Jared anything other than his name, but it was a habit he would have to learn to break. 

Jensen didn't want to give Jared the wrong idea. Yes, he did love Jared, and he would always be his  _Dimpled Darling_ in some respects _._ But Jensen didn't think itwould be fair to call him that now, considering he was never going to forget everything Jared had done…though he was trying really hard to forgive him. 

Jensen was excited for his husband to come home, and initially he was able to match Jared's happiness with his own. But after Jared asked Jensen to shower with him earlier, it made Jensen remember just how uncomfortable he still was with Jared and his actions. 

Jensen had to learn how to be a friend before he could be a husband. And he knew that he couldn't be a good husband to Jared until he fully forgave him. 

Jensen knew that in time, he would forgive Jared. He just had to remember that Jared's actions were due to his illness, and he continued to tell himself that every day. The Jared that tried to kill himself, the Jared that tried to kill their child, that wasn't his Jared. It was the illness that had consumed him. 

Jensen knew what his problem was. He knew he was having a hard time separating Jared from his illness. So as badly as a part of Jensen wanted to kiss and coddle Jared, he knew that he couldn't, and it wouldn't be fair for him to do so until he could see past Jared's depression. And he hoped Jared understood that.  

"Jenny, the kids will never make it to school on time if they have to wait for me to eat these pancakes, so I think I'll either take them to go, or rewarm them when we get back.” Jared said, giving Jensen a closed mouth smile. 

“No, no. Stay.” Jensen insisted, “Put your feet up. Eat. I’ll take the kids to school.” Jensen looked down at his watch, “Lilly! West! Get your coats and your backpacks.” 

The children nodded before grabbing their lunch pails and heading out of the kitchen to retrieve their shoes and backpacks from the living room. 

“I can take the pancakes with me, Jen.” Jared pushed. 

“We have a lot of walking to do today.” Jensen exhaled, “I’m begging you. Stay and eat. Save yourself a trip.”

Jensen was right. They were leaving for San Antonio the next day and they still hadn’t cemented a place to live upon their return. They were deciding between two condos on the Upper West Side, and though Jensen had already taken out a loan, they hadn't decided which house to put it towards. 

So today, after dropping Lilly and West at school, Jared and Jensen were set to tour both condos one last time before making a final deposit on whichever one they preferred.  

Originally, Jensen intended on finding a small place where he and Jared could live until a little after the baby was born. But then he thought about how necessary it would be for Jared to have some sense of stability in his life. He didn't want to make Jared have to pick up and move again after having the baby.  

And though Jared knew it was going to be a long day for the two of them, he didn't want Jensen to baby him. "You made me get out of the shower." Jared huffed. "I'm going." 

Jensen was startled by the Jared's stern tone, and he gave Jared a quick look of confusion before wiping his face of that expression and changing it to one of approval.  

"Okay." Jensen nodded.

"Don't worry about me, okay Jenny?" Jared exhaled. "If I didn't think I could do it, then I wouldn't. I wanna walk as much as I can, until this baby weighs me down and I can't walk anymore." 

Jensen nodded again and a moment later Lilly and West came sprinting into the kitchen. 

"Woah, slow down there." Jensen laughed. "You kiddos ready to go?" 

"Yup!" West exclaimed as he squirmed around in an effort to adjust his backpack. 

Lilly and West lead the way out of the house, always staying ten steps in front of Jared and Jensen, who were walking leisurely behind them. It was nice out, for winter. The sun was shining brightly in the blue December sky, reflecting in the small piles of snow that glittered on the ground. The walk didn't take long at all, despite the fact that they stopped a few times to pet dogs along the way.  

It had been two years since they had last set foot on the grounds of Mortlander Prep, but everything still looked exactly the same; the large array of planetrees, the grand, gold gates that surrounded the school, the marble steps that lead into the building. 

Jared and Jensen saw the familiar faces of parents—particularly those on the PTA, with which Jared used to be heavily involved—as they dropped their children off at school. The smiling faces of uniformed children as they ran across the courtyard, reminded Jared and Jensen why they loved the school so much in the first place. 

One of those children, upon seeing Lilly and West, stopped running and smiled. It was Chad's son, Christopher. "West! Lillian!" He screamed and began running towards them. 

"Christopher Mason Murry where do you think you're going?" A woman yelled, stopping mid conversation to chase her child across the courtyard. 

Jared let out a small laugh. He recognized her immediately. It was Sophia, Chad's wife. And it seemed as though she recognized him at the exact same time, because their eyes met and she abruptly stopped running, placing a hand over her mouth. "No way. No fucking way." Sophia gasped to herself. 

Both Jared and Jensen smiled, and Sophia began walking in their direction, making her way towards her friends. 

"Get out of here!" Sophia smiled as she approached them.

Christopher had already made his way to Lilly and West, and the first thing he did when he saw them, was envelope Lilly in a hug. "Hi Lillian! I missed you! West told me you were going to be in our class again but I didn't believe him."

"It's true." Lilly giggled. "My Daddy and my Papa are moving us back here!" 

“Told ya!” West snickered. 

Christopher ignored him. "Good! Everyone missed you!" Christopher noted before looking up. "Hi Uncle Jensen and Uncle Jared!"  

"Hey Christopher!" Jensen smiled, ruffling the boy’s hair.  

Christopher's eyes widened when he saw Jared's stomach. "Uncle Jared what happened to your tummy?" He said, giving it a poke. 

Christopher had never been a shy one.

"Careful." Jared let out a small laugh, "There's a baby in there." 

"A baby?" Christopher repeated, staring at Jared in awe. 

"Yeah." Lilly said with a smile, "I'm going to have a baby brother soon." 

"A baby?" Christopher repeated, staring at Jared in awe. “My mom says anyone can have a baby, but only boys can give them to people.” Christopher didn’t stop to take a breath. “So if I like girls, then the girl will have the baby. But if I like boys then maybe I will have the baby or maybe the other boy will! Is that what happened to you?” 

“Alight I think that’s enough of that.” Sophia hushed her son, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Go play until it’s time for school.” She gave Christopher a little push, and he ran off. Lilly and West looked at each other for a moment before ultimately deciding to run after him.

"Well I'll be damned!" Sophia smiled, turning her attention back to her friends. 

"Hey Soph!" Jensen smiled, giving her a large hug. 

"Hey there Soph." Jared smiled and Sophia looked at him in wonderment before giving him a hug as well. She had already seen Jensen a few times around the office, and at Tom's last party, but this was the first time she had laid eyes on Jared in the better part of two years. 

"Jared..." Sophia began cautiously, "Jarebear you're _not_...are you… pregnant?" 

Jared gave his stomach a gentle rub before smiling at his old friend, "Yeah. Yeah I am." 

Sophia's eyes began to swell with tears. "Holy shit." She cried happily, "Holy Shit Jarebear, Congratulations!" She cried as she pulled Jared in for another hug. "I'm so happy for you guys. You deserve this. You really do." Sophia pulled away from the hug and held Jared at an arms length, taking him in and uttering "Wow" before pulling him close for yet another hug.  

"So you two are here to stay?" Sophia asked expectantly, looking back and forth between Jared and Jensen. 

"We sure are." Jensen nodded. 

Just then Jensen heard someone call his name. "Jensen! Soph!" The voice repeated, "Sweet Lord in Heaven! Is that Jared?" 

The three of them turned their heads to see Tom's wife, Lana—a sweet southern belle and a model in her own right—, running towards them. Her daughter, Ava, was holding on to her mother's hand, backpack jiggling as she ran by her mother's side, desperate to get to class before they started marking students down as tardy.  

Lana stopped running once she got to her friends and gave Ava a kiss on the forehead, before her brown haired daughter ran into courtyard and towards the building. 

"Jared Ackles? Do my eyes deceive me?" She breathed, enveloping him in a hug before giving Jensen a quick one as well. "Are you with child? Good god where have you been?  _How_  have you been?" 

"Slow down there sister." Sophia laughed at her best friend.

"I've been alright. I'm getting better." Jared assured her. 

"I can't believe this." Lana said. She placed her hands on her cheek and shook her head, "Jensen you sly dog, you never told us we were getting another Ackles." 

"We didn't want to get anybody's hopes up." Jared said honestly, "We still don't..." He paused, placing another protective hand on his belly, "I'm still holding my breath. We just need to make it past the twenty-fourth week." 

"Oh my god, I'm sorry. Forgive me." Lana placed a hand on her heart, completely aware of what Jared was referring to. 

"She'll make it, Jarebear." Sophia smiled. 

"He." Jared and Jensen said in unison.

"He?" Sophia and Lana repeated. In that moment Sophia began to cry again. This time she was joined by Lana.

"How inappropriate of me to be crying in a school yard." Lana laughed, wiping away her tears. "But my god, congratulations you two." 

"Thank you." Jensen smiled, becoming misty eyed himself. 

"Tom and I were actually thinking about going to dinner this weekend!" Lana smiled, changing the subject, "We can leave the kids with the nanny and make a night of it, like old times."

Jensen smiled though he thought about how their current lives were nothing like their old ones. He and Jared no longer went out to dinner. Not with each other or with anyone else for that matter. They no longer drank –with the exceptional, rare occasion on Jensen’s part—. But in short, they no longer had social lives. 

To Jensen, the thought of returning to that kind of life seemed stressful, at least at the current point in time, but Jared was quite gung-ho about the entire idea. He wanted to return to his old life, his happy one.  

"As great as that sounds, we can't." Jensen explained. He watched Lana and Sophia's faces drop, and Jared rapidly added to the conversation. 

"We're going back to San Antonio this weekend for my last treatment." Jared clarified. 

"Oh, okay." Sophia nodded. 

"But next weekend!" Jared assured them.

"Definitely!" Lana smiled. 

Jensen looked down at his watch. They only had thirty minutes to make it across town, so they had to get going. "It was so great seeing you guys." He smiled, "But we've got an appointment we have to get to." 

"Oh go on ahead, I'm sure we'll catch you both at pick up time anyway." Lana smiled. 

"It was great seeing you two!" Sophia added. 

And with that they parted ways. 

************

Jared and Jensen walked leisurely beside each other as they made their way to the Upper West Side.  

It took every fiber in Jared's being not to reach out for Jensen's hand as they walked; not to grab onto Jensen and link his arm through his own, not to notice the way the sun seemed to make Jensen's green eyes glisten underneath it's warm light.  

It was strange, how a little over a week ago Jared had no desire for human contact, but now it was all he wanted. To be held onto. To be consoled. To be reassured that everything was going to be okay.  

And after years of pushing Jensen away, Jared assumed that now that he was getting better, Jensen would readily welcome him into his arms again. But he was wrong. 

Jared was ready to jump into a happier life, but now he had no one to catch him.

Jared didn't expect Jensen to just be able to forget what had happened in the past five years, but he needed Jensen's help moving forward. And he couldn't move forward if Jensen didn't move on...if Jensen didn't forgive him.  

"We're here Jay." Jensen notified Jared, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

They had stopped in front of a large marble building, where a doorman greeted them upon their arrival. 

"Welcome to the Dorchester." The doorman said, tipping his hat to Jared and Jensen as they entered.

The interior of the building was reminiscent of the 1920s, beautifully geometric decor and gold accented columns surrounded them on all sides. 

“Where’d you find this place, Carraway?” Jared teased playfully as he looked around. He was enamored with the place already. 

"Gorgeous isn't it." Jensen smiled, "Just wait 'til you see the house."

Jensen and Misha had already scoped the place out while Jared was at the hospital, so he had still yet to see it, but if the house was anything like the grand lobby, Jared knew he would be sold in a second. 

Jensen walked up to the receptionist to confirm their appointment while Jared continued to look around.  

"They're ready for us." Jensen said, returning to Jared's side. 

Jared and Jensen followed a dark haired woman down a striking long and dimly lit hallway until they reached a set of elevators.

“We’re headed for the fourth floor.” The woman smiled as she led the men into the elevator. “Let’s hope you like it.”

"I'm sure I will." Jensen nodded.

Turns out Jared didn’t just _like_ the condo, he loved it. 

Jared fell in love with the first condo they visited the moment they entered the door. It was on the larger side; with three bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms, a nicely sized living room and a Calcutta Gold marble kitchen. Despite the exterior of the building and the art deco lobby, the condo was incredibly modern looking.

"I'm going to convert the third bedroom into an office for now, so I can work from home." Jensen declared as they walked around one of the bedrooms. It was the last room they had seen on the tour, and it was a little more than half the size of the master bedroom, with eggshell walls and a little reading nook beneath the window. “And if we paint this room pink, I’m sure Lilly would love it.” 

"Hold on.” Jared held up a hand. He was watching Jensen observe the room, keeping his back against the wall in order to support his belly. “Work from home?" Jared pondered, "Are you sure you want to do that?"

Jensen stopped walking and turned to Jared, "I want to be close to you, Jay. I want to be here when you need me." 

Jared looked down at his belly and smiled. “Okay.” 

“I’m here for you, Jay.” Jensen smiled. He walked over to Jared and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “We can make this work...Or _try_ to, at least.” 

Jared returned Jensen’s smile with one of his own. “I don't need to see the other condo." He declared. 

"What?" Jensen laughed, giving Jared a look of complete bewilderment.   

“This is it.” Jared breathed, his eyes full of wonder. “This is the place…this is… _home_.”   

“Are you sure?” Jensen asked. 

Jared nodded in response, continuing to rub his round stomach. 

“Alright.” Jensen turned to the realtor and smiled, "Well, you heard him. We'll take it." 

And they did. 

Jared and Jensen signed the closing papers, making their move to the Upper West Side official upon returning to from San Antonio. They would be moving out of the Collins’ and into their own space. It was a huge step, and both of them hoped it meant they were moving in the right direction; one of forgiveness and acceptance, and then eventually…normalcy. Though neither of them knew what that new normal would be. 

Jensen wanted to make things right. To start over. To forgive Jared. Because deep down, he knew Jared deserved that, if noting else. But he knew it was going to take time. He just didn’t know how much time it was going to take. So much had happened in the last five years that Jensen had honestly begun to believe he would never see the man he had fallen in love with re-emerge from the dark pit of despair that had become of him. 

Jared had one treatment left. One last chance to get better. One last chance to find happiness. And the fact that Jared’s happiness still wasn’t guaranteed really worried Jensen. He couldn’t help but wonder if everything they had been putting each other through for the past few years had all been in vain. The fights, the flights, the sleepless nights…Jensen was beginning to question absolutely everything. 

That night, as they packed their bags for San Antonio, Jensen thought he could hide the worry from his face, but apparently he couldn’t, because as Jensen zipped up his suitcase, Jared grabbed his hand and said, “Jenny, it’s okay to be scared.”

“Scared?” Jensen repeated distastefully, “I’m not scared Jay. What would make you think that?”

“I’ve seen you scared enough times to know what it looks like.” Jared sighed. “You don’t have to be strong all the time. Fear isn’t a sign of weakness…I, of all people would know that.” Jared paused, “I mean…I’m scared too. Hell, I’m mortified…So it’s okay if you are.” 

Jensen was so used to being Jared’s rock. So used to putting his own emotions aside. So used to being the protector. He didn’t want Jared to know he was scared shitless about the impending outcome of his treatments. 

“’I just want you to be okay, Jay.” Jensen sighed. He sat on his suitcase and looked up at Jared, who was sitting on the bed. “I want you to be happy… I want us to be who we were before all of this.” 

“You still don’t get it Jensen.” Jared sighed. 

“What do you mean?” Jensen asked defensively. 

“I mean…the point of these treatments is not for us to go backwards.” Jared breathed, “I—I might not get out of these treatments and be the man I was.” 

“I know.” Jensen sighed and ran his fingers along his brows before wiping his face with his hands. “And that scares the shit out of me.” Jensen admitted. 

“Why?” Jared pondered. “Are you afraid that you won’t be able to love the new me? Who ever I am once this all ends?” Jared accused, “Is _that_ what you’re afraid of?” 

Jensen stayed quiet. It was true. Jared could see right through him.

“I think you should be a lot more worried about whether or not this treatment will keep me alive… _wanting_ to be alive.”

“You think I’m not worried about that?” Jensen asked in disbelief. 

“No! No…It’s just…” Jared breathed, “Jen, if were going to make it, I need you to forgive me. I’m going to need you to forgive me for what I’ve done, or neither of us is going to be able to come out of this the way we want to…the way we _should_.”

“I’m trying.” Jensen whispered. “I’m trying.” 

“God. You’re so selfish.” Jared laughed cynically. 

“Excuse me?” Jensen huffed. 

“You’re selfish.” Jared repeated. “What you’re doing…putting up with me…it’s selfish.” Jared blew. “I don’t need you to _try_ to love me. You either do, or you don’t.”

“I’m not—I’m not ‘ _putting up with you_ ’, Jay.” Jensen gasped. 

“Okay. You don’t love me anymore. That’s fine. I get it.” Jared huffed, “But you don’t get to wait this out, Jensen. You don’t get to decide whether or not you want me once I’m done with these treatments.” Jared’s voice rose in intensity. “I need you to forget who I was. This is who I am now, Jensen. Take it or leave it.” Jared breathed. 

“Are you giving me a fucking ultimatum?” Jensen huffed. He got up from the suitcase and looked down at Jared. 

“You care more about having a perfect family then you care about whether or not I’m around to even see it!” Jared accused. 

“Hold on right there, Jay.” Jensen huffed, “That’s neither fair, nor true! Everything I’ve done, for the past five years…it’s been for you! It’s been to keep you! Here! On this earth! _Alive_!” Jensen raised his voice, though he tried to make sure he wasn’t being loud enough for Vicki, Misha, or the kids to hear him. “I did all of this for you!” 

“It’s been for _you!_ ” Jared cried, “In fact, everything is _still_ all about you.” 

“I can’t believe this.” Jensen let out a sad, pained laugh as he paced back and forth in front of Jared. “This is fucking ridiculous.” 

“You say you want what’s best for me, but your actions make me beg to differ.” Jared huffed. “You haven’t even taken the time to understand me. Or this situation.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jensen blew. He stopped pacing and stood in front of Jared.

“Don’t you get it! I’m never going to stop hurting you Jenny. Not if you don’t understand me…my depression will always be something I have to deal with…so yeah, who knows what I might do.” Jared huffed “I have friends. I don’t need more friends. I need a husband who loves and supports me for who I am…and if that’s not going to be you, then please just let me know now so that I don’t get my hopes up.” 

“Jay…” Jensen’s breath got caught in his throat. He was sure he was on the brink of frustrated tears. “Jay I want to be that guy! I want to be your husband! I want to love you…but I’m having trouble forgiving you. And I know I need to…I know it…but—” 

“ _But?_ ” Jared interjected, “There shouldn’t be any buts, Jensen. I’m tired of pretending to be okay with being your friend. We can’t move on, or move forward this way.” Jared cried. "I need you to forgive me." 

“Jay, I—“ Jensen tried to speak but Jared continued. 

"Do you know what It feels like, knowing I've disappointed you?  _You_  , the last person I would ever want to disappoint...and to know that even though I've been trying to fix things, fix _myself_ , you still don't think I'm good enough for your forgiveness." Jared sniffled and stood up from bed. "The one person I need in my life, doesn't want to be in it anymore… doesn't love me anymore.” 

Jared paused and wiped his eyes with his shirtsleeve before continuing. “Jensen, your love is all I had before these treatments...even when I didn't have my own.” Jared paused again and took a deep breath. “I wanted to die. I wanted to _die,_ Jensen. But you wouldn't let me go, and you found a way to chain me to your side.” Jared cried as he placed a protective hand over his swollen belly.

“Jay, that’s not—“

“Let me finish!” Jared insisted. “So now that I’m comfortable in these chains, you think you can just…grab the key and unlock your handcuff? Be my friend? Leave me be? No! No, Jensen. I won’t let you. Because I’ll always be handcuffed. I’ll always be in chains. I will _always_ have my babies…and I won’t let you leave me to deal with their memories alone. Not now.” 

Jensen watched, open mouthed, as Jared cried in front of him. He didn’t know what to say, or if there was even anything he _could_ say at this point.

"I don't want you to fix anything! You can't fix me. I'm broken. I'll always be broken.” Jared cried, “But I was putting myself together and your love was the glue. It sounds pathetic. I _am_ pathetic. But I need you. I need you. I need you." Jared cried and fell back onto the bed, putting his head in his hands. "Please don't fucking give up on me."

“I’m not giving up on you, Jared.” Jensen kneeled down in front of Jared and moved his hands away from his face. "I'm not giving up on you." Jensen repeated. He reached a hand out towards Jared’s cheek, but Jared moved his head away. 

"Don't you understand I don't want to be like this! I don't want to hurt you! I don't want to hurt Lilly! I don't want to hurt myself!" Jared cried, "I want to get better. And sure, I’d like to be who I was...but that’s no longer who I _am_. And I can't fight this war alone. I've been losing, Jen. I've been loosing battles. But please don't blame me for not being strong enough. Forgive me for my weakness. Forgive me for my sickness. Forgive me." 

"Please...stop. Stop talking." Jensen warned him, tears now flooding down his own face. "Stop. Sto--" Jensen couldn't finish his worlds as he erupted into a fit of sobs "I'm sorry Jay. I'm so fucking sorry." Jared was in pain, and if Jensen couldn’t see it before, he could definitely see it now…feel it. All the sadness, and pain, and exhaustion radiating off of his husband. 

“I forgive you.” Jensen cried, pulling Jared's forehead against his own. “I forgive you, okay? And I’m so, so sorry.” He pulled Jared into an embrace, and Jared continued to sniffle into Jensen’s shoulder as he spoke. 

“No matter what happens after your last treatment. I’ll be there. By your side. Always.” Jensen bellowed. “I love you Jared. I love you, and I need you too.” Jensen held Jared an arms length away, looking him deeply in the eyes before stating, “You’re not alone in this Jay.”

Jared nodded, keeping his head in the crook of Jensen’s neck. “Jenny, I want my life back.” 

“I know, baby.” Jensen breathed before kissing the top of Jared’s head. “I don’t want to lose you. And I don’t want you to lose yourself. We’re going to keep fighting. Always, Jay.”

It was time to forgive. It was time to move on. It was time to move forward.

And they both hoped that after Jared's last treatment, there would be a better, brighter, and happier future in store for themselves, and their growing family. Because at this point, hope was all they had left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been gone for ages, but I'm back and I'm incredibly excited to finish up this fic! Thanks to those of you who have stuck around and commented consistently! I really appreciate it oxoxox


	35. San Antonio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Season 12 I'm giving you guys something that is much long overdue!!! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update but I've been drowning in schoolwork. Thanks for staying with me guys, your comments have encouraged me to power through and get my act together so I can finish this lovely story!!

Jared stood in his parent's kitchen, with one hand on his belly and another hand on the counter, steadying himself as he watched his mother finish making his favorite salad.  

"Jared, sweetheart. I'm so glad you and Jensen were able to come over for dinner." Sherri breathed as she cut into the steak in front of her. There were pieces strewn across the cutting board -each incredibly identical in size- until she used her knife to slide the pieces into the bowl in front of her. "I know you guys are busy with your treatments, and the whole moving process and everything..." 

"Of course we came, mom." Jared said. He looked intently at his mother as she wiped away a tear with the back of her hand. 

"Your father and I really missed you." Sherri turned to her son and smiled, dropping the knife on the cutting board. "You look fantastic, Jared. You're glowing." 

"Thanks." Jared's eyes lit up a bit, and he ran a hand through his short hair. 

"I can't believe you're going to have another baby!" Sherri beamed through her tears, "I can't believe I'm going to have another grandchild! I didn't think I'd ever see the day..." 

"It’s okay, mom." Jared sniffled and pulled his mother in for a hug, "I didn't think I would, either." 

"How are you feeling?" Sherri asked, looking up at Jared, though she stayed wrapped in his arms. "How's the baby? How's Asher?" 

"Asher's got some legs on him. The doctors say he's mostly healthy, though he'll probably have asthma." Jared smiled weakly in order to display some resemblance of hope. Though he couldn't shake off the fact that Asher's asthma was his fault. Another lifetime of pain someone would have to endure because of him. Of course his mom didn't know that though, it would have broken her heart to know what Jared had tried to do to his unborn son. 

"Asthma, huh?" Sherri hummed, "Well it sure as hell isn't the end of the world!" 

"Yeah." Jared sighed, "Honestly, I'm just hoping he'll keep kicking past the twenty fourth week." 

“He will, honey.” Sherri reassured her son before changing the subject. "I know your last treatment is in a couple of days. Are you ready for it?" 

"Yeah." Jared sighed, "I just want this to be over, ya know?" 

Sherri shook her head, "What exactly do you mean." 

"I'm tired of all the uncertainty. Not knowing whether or not I'll be anywhere near who I once was." Jared paused, "I just want to love myself again. I want Jensen to love me again..." 

“Jensen loves you, Jared. You know that.” Sherri cooed. 

“Do I?” Jared sighed and Sherri gave Jared an inquisitive look. "He told me he forgives me...for everything." Jared took a breath, deciding to keep things as general as possible, "But I made him do it, mom. I practically gave him an ultimatum." 

"Jared..." Sherri began sternly.

"I know mom. I know. But I was desperate." Jared sighed. "I need him."

"I know honey, but that's not how it works. That's not fair to Jensen." Sherri sighed, "Everyone needs time to heal, sweetheart. Not just you...and don't get me wrong, you need it more than anyone else. But Jensen deserves the same amount of patience he's been giving to you."

Jared could feel his eyes begin to water, so he closed them tight, trying to hold them back. "I'm such a horrible person." Jared sniffles, "Selfish. Needy." 

Sherri pushed herself away from her son, creating a bit of distance between them so she could look up at him. "Jared. You are  _none_  of those things.  _None_  of them, do you hear me?" Sherri proclaimed, never taking her eyes off of her son's. "Don't you ever believe you're any of those things. Because you aren't." 

Jared nodded his head, though he still wasn't sure if he believed her. He hadn't thought enough about Jensen's feelings. He knew he hadn't, and now he felt terrible about it. Forgiveness had to be earned, yet he demanded it from Jensen. It wasn't fair. Nothing about their relationship had been fair for the last five years. 

"And how's my darling Lillian?" Sherri smiled, moving on. 

Jared cleared his throat. "She's great. We re-enrolled her at Mortlander and she's been having a great time, seeing her old friends." Jared smiled faintly, "I think she's happy again, back to being a carefree little seven year old. Just like she should be." 

Sherri smiled, "Good. I'm glad." 

"I know Jensen worries a lot about her. About the things she's seen, and heard, because of me..." Jared sighed, "I have so much to explain." 

"And you will, honey." Sherri patted Jared's cheek. "Lilly is a strong girl. She'll be alright...you all will."

"I'm going to be a good father...a good husband." Jared looked down at his mother before adding, "A good son."

"Oh Jared, you're already all that and more." Sherri placed a hand on Jared's cheek.

"Yeah, well...I'm going to do better... _be_ better." Jared smiled faintly. "I'm on my way, mom."

"I know sweetheart." Sherri smiled. She grabbed a plate off of the kitchen island and handed it to Jared. “Would you come out back with me and help me plate these ribs?” She smiled. 

“Sure thing, mom.” Jared smiled, following his mother into the backyard. 

******Meanwhile****** 

Jensen sat at the dinner table with one hand on his head, and another hand tightly wrapped around the beer bottle Gerald had just handed him. 

"So how are you, son?" Gerald asked sincerely, before taking a seat across from his son-in-law. 

“You want the honest answer?” Jensen sighed.

“What kind of question is that, Jensen? Of course I want the honest answer.” Gerald sternly replied before tipping back his beer. “Go ahead, and don’t sugar coat it. What’s been goin’ on with you? With my boy? Tell me everything.” Gerald paused before adding, “I’m all ears.” 

Jensen pinched his eyebrows. He didn’t know how honest he could be, given the fact that he was talking to his father-in-law, but it had been such a long time since anyone –other than Misha—had actually cared to ask how _he_ was feeling for once. So he was going to take that chance. 

“I don’t even know where to start.” Jensen sighed. 

“Well last I heard, you two were looking into buying a condo…in New York.” Gerald commented before taking a sip of his beer. 

“Yeah.” Jensen affirmed. He slowly twirled the bottle between his fingers as he spoke. “We uh…we actually signed the closing papers yesterday. Down payment and everything.” 

“Is that so?” Gerald raised an eyebrow. “You don’t seem so excited about it.” 

Jensen let out a tired breath of air before finally bringing the beer bottle to his lips and taking a long sip of the fermented liquid. He already knew he was going to need about four more beers the way this conversation was going. 

“That’s because I’m not.” Jensen looked down at the table, “Don’t get me wrong, I love New York. But I just don’t think that’s the place for us anymore.” 

“How so?” Gerald pressed. 

“Life in the city is too fast...too mean. I don’t think Jared needs that kind of hectic atmosphere…I don’t think he’s ready for it.” Jensen exhaled before taking another sip of his beer; “No one smiles in New York, everyone’s always in a rush. But here, everyone takes their time. There’s that sweet, southern hospitality that Jared and I were lucky enough to grow up around.” Jensen paused and took a large gulp of beer before adding, “And I wanted that for our kids.”

“Then why’d you sign the papers?” Gerald asked simply, bringing the bottle back to his lips. 

“To make him happy.” Jensen replied, pensively. “That’s why I do everything that I do…to make Jared happy.” 

“Okay.” Gerald gave Jensen a soft smile, “And I appreciate that. I appreciate the fact that you cater to, and care for my son so genuinely.” He paused, “But what about you, Jensen? What about your happiness?” 

To be completely honest, Jensen hadn’t given his own happiness enough thought. It used to be enough to make Jared happy. Jared’s happiness was once the key to his own, and they used to make each other happy all the time. But for months, Jensen had found it nearly impossible to make his husband happy. And that had drained him both physically and emotionally. But when Jared was released from the psych ward, and he was begging to be made happy again, begging to be touched, and loved, and forgiven; Jensen didn’t know what to do or where to start…until it became apparent that Jared couldn’t be happy until he heard Jensen say that he was forgiven. So that’s what Jensen did. He told Jared that he forgave him, though in his heart of hearts he knew that it wasn’t true.

“My uh…my happiness?” Jensen looked at his beer bottle, twisting it in his hands before looking up at Gerald and asking, “Do you have anything stronger than this?” 

Gerald raised an eyebrow at his son-in-law. “You better start talkin’.” Gerald laughed softly and got up from his chair. Jensen watched him in silence, finishing his beer as Gerald grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet –along with two glasses— before setting them down on the table and returning to his seat. 

Gerald poured them each a glass, handing one to Jensen, who promptly took a sip. 

“I want this to work.” Jensen seethed. The whiskey burned as it went down his throat. “I want that more than anything. For us be one big happy family…but I’m having a really hard time right now.” 

“So tell me about it, son. Tell me what’s been troubling you.” Gerald beseeched.

Jensen sighed, “Well…one second I want nothing to do with Jared, and the next minute, I want to kiss him… even though I know I shouldn’t.” 

“Why shouldn’t you?” Gerald retorted. 

“He’s…he’s done some things.” Jensen exhaled, taking another sip of his drink. 

“So?” Gerald shrugged as he drank. “Who hasn’t _done some things_?” 

Jensen shook his head, “Jared has done some things…he’s done some things that have been hard to forgive.”

Gerald raised an eyebrow, “Care to explain?”

“No really.” Jensen said softly. 

“Son…” Gerald pushed. 

“I…I can’t.” Jensen took a large sip of the harsh liquid. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Neither Jared, nor Jensen, had told either of their parents about Jared’s attempted abortion. They knew it would break their parent’s hearts, so both Jared and Jensen had agreed to stay silent on the matter. 

“Oh, you’re going to talk about it.” Gerald said gruffly. He uncapped the whiskey and poured some more into Jensen’s glass, before repeating, “You’re going to talk about it whether you like it or not.” 

“Ger—” Jensen attempted to protest but his father-in-law abruptly changed the subject. 

“Why aren’t you happy?” Gerald asked sharply. 

“I never said I wasn’t happy.” Jensen sighed. 

“So how are you?” 

“I don’t know.” Jensen took a sip, “Clearly I’ve been better. But I’m nowhere near as distraught as Jared has been.” 

“We aren’t talking about Jared right now, we’re talking about you.” Gerald reminded him. “Tell me what’s going _right_ in your life.” 

“My job.” Jensen said easily, “I’m back at the old firm, and we're projected to do really well this year…so I’m no longer worried about going broke.” Jensen mumbled, “I was really worried for a while…I thought we were going to lose everything.” 

Gerald and Jensen sat, sipping their whiskey for a few silent moments before Jensen continued to speak. “I love my friends, and I’m incredibly grateful for them. I love my family…my daughter, my unborn son, my parents, you and Sherri…” 

“Your husband?” Gerald proposed. 

Jensen took another large sip of whiskey. “I love my husband. I love Jared, very, very much.” He paused, “But I don’t like him that much right now…and I’m afraid…I’m afraid I won't be able fall in love with whoever he becomes after this. Things just aren’t the same between us.” Jensen could feel his inhibitions slipping away as he told Gerald the truth about his feelings for his husband. “The Jared I know now…is a completely different man than the one I fell in love with. But it’s bizarre, because I still love him _so much_ …I still need him…but he’s just hurt me so badly I feel like I’m obligated to hate him for it. I can’t let myself forgive him for what he’s done…even though I know it’s not his fault.” 

Jensen paused and took a sip of his drink before continuing. “Jared’s depression is an unwelcome, nonpaying tenant in his mind, and I feel like we’re running out of ways to evict it once and for all. It keeps finding a way back in to his head…into our marriage…and I’m afraid one of those things won't survive if we don’t get rid of it.” 

Jensen twirled the glass and watched as the brown liquid moved around within its transparent boundaries. “Maybe Asher will be our saving grace. Maybe he’ll make Jared happy again…because I guess I can’t.” Jensen tried to hold back his tears, “And I’ve tried…I’ve really tried. I’ve given Jay all I can give.” 

Just then, they heard the French doors leading to the dining room open. 

“You’re drinking?” Jared glumly asked when he walked into the dining room alongside his mother, who was carrying a bowl of salad in her hands. The answer to Jared’s question was obvious, as was the look of sadness he had clearly plastered across his face. 

“It’s just some whiskey, Baby. I’ve had a glass and that’s all.” Jensen tried to reassure his husband. He wiped his face with his hand and offered his husband a gentle smile, erasing all evidence of the tears he almost shed. “I’m not having any more. It’s under control, don’t worry.” 

Sherri cleared her throat, “Is there something we should know?” 

Memories of Tom’s party began to run through Jensen’s mind. “No.” He answered quickly. “Nope.” 

Both Gerald and Sherri looked up at their son, who just shook his head in response before softly uttering, “Just…don’t have anymore, okay?” 

Jared set a large plate of ribs in the center of the table before taking a seat next to his husband. 

“Jensen are you having problems with alcohol again?” Sherri pressed, unapologetically. 

 _Again?_ _That would imply I had a problem in the first place_. 

Jensen choked on his drink, holding back his response and coughing slightly before opening his mouth to speak. “No ma’am. Nothing of the sort.” 

It wasn’t so much a _problem_ as much as it was a coping mechanism, and that had been years ago, after the onset of Jared’s depression. He totally had it under control now… Totally… 

Sherri gave Gerald a look, “Gerry…” 

“Ah, lighten up darlin’.” Gerald leaned over and gave his wife a kiss on the forehead. “He’s fine.” Gerald looked over at Jensen and raised an eyebrow at him, “You’re fine. Right, Jensen?” 

“Yes sir.” Jensen gave his father-in-law a small smile and earned a wink in response. 

Gerald had always been a fan of Jensen. He never blamed him for anything that had happened to his son. Sherri, on the other hand, could be a bit less forgiving. 

“Jenny’s fine. I’m fine. We’re both fine.” Jared sighed, “Can we just eat?” 

“Of course honey.” Sherri smiled at her son, reaching across the table to take hold of his hand, “Would you like to say grace?” 

“No.” Jared said dully, completely disillusioned with the whole idea. “I would just like to eat, if that’s okay with you.” 

Gerald and Sherri both shot each other a stunned glance, and Jensen finished off the last of his whiskey. 

“It’s just one night, Jay. Can you do your mother a kindness?” Gerald asked his son. His tone implied that there was only one answer to his question. “You know we always say grace before we eat, Jared.” 

There was a long moment of silence until Jensen finally broke it. “I’ll say it.” 

Everyone looked over at Jensen. Sherri was smiling, Jared was pouting, and Gerald was giving him a look that screamed, _“don’t say anything stupid.”_  

“Thank you.” Jensen paused before uneasily punching out the word, “ _God_ …" He paused again, "For blessing me with such a wonderful family and support system. Let this food nourish our bodies, especially that of my husband, Jared, who is preparing to bring a child into this world.” He lightly squeezed his husband’s hand before finally uttering, “Amen.” 

“That was lovely Jensen.” Sherri smiled. 

“Can we eat now?” Jared pleaded. 

“We sure can!” Gerald said excitedly, as he reached in for a rib. 

Dinner passed by smoothly, with no one saying much of anything about Jared or Jensen, as the conversation had shifted over to Gerald and Sherri: the new set of clubs Gerald had purchased, a new recipe for pecan pie that Sherri had discovered by mistake. 

But by the time desert rolled around, all Sherri wanted to talk about was her grandchildren: how Lilly was adjusting to life in The Big Apple, if they had picked a date for Jared’s baby shower, what Lilly wanted for Christmas. 

Yet in the midst of all that arose the question of what the family planned on doing with the house and possessions they would be leaving behind in San Antonio. 

“We’ll be in a condo rather than a house, so that entails some downsizing.” Jensen began to explain, “We’re going to leave some things down here, in storage, and ship the rest over to New York.” 

“We’ve already gotten a ton of offers on the house.” Jared added. 

“Great, because I was going to ask.” Sherri smiled. “But I’m glad things are going swimmingly in the _housing_ department.” 

Gerald put a hand on his wife’s shoulder as a gentle warning to take it easy. 

“Things are going well in the baby department too, mom.” Jared gave his parents a sincere look before turning his eyes to Jensen, and offering him his hand, which Jensen supportively took. 

“Jensen’s been taking really good care of me.” Jared paused and let go of his fork, placing his other hand on his ever-growing belly, “Of us.” He added. “Thank you for that, Jenny.” 

Jensen gave his husband a gentle smile, and Jared continued to speak. 

“I don’t say that enough, but thank you.” Jared smiled faintly, “Thank you for giving me so many chances. Thank you for forgiving me.” 

Jensen took a deep breath, his tears threatening to reemerge. 

“I love you Jenny. Okay? I know you’ll never stop trying to see the good in me.” Jared gave his husband a small smile. “And I’m going to keep trying to find it.” 

Thank god Sherri started crying before Jensen got a chance to. 

“Oh mom, don’t cry.” Jared beseeched. 

“I’m sorry, honey. I’m just do glad.” Sherri sniffled, “I feel like things are really looking up for the two of you.” 

“Yeah.” Gerald added, giving Jensen a sincere look before turning his eyes to his son and offering him a smile. 

“Sher-bear, why don’t we start cleaning this place up.” Gerald proposed as he pushed out of his chair. He turned his attention to Jared and Jensen, pointing between the two of them, “You boys are staying here tonight. No chance either of you are driving. You, with that whiskey breath…” He chuckled, looking at Jensen before turning to his son, “And you with those tired eyes and that growin’ belly. This family has been through more than its fair share of accidents. We don't need another one.” 

“Okay.” Jared agreed, nodding at his father, “It’s been a long day, and I’m not going to argue… So that’s alright with me.” He looked over at Jensen, who nodded in agreement. 

“I’ll help take the dishes to the kitchen.” Jensen offered, grabbing plates and glasses as he got up from his seat. 

“Thanks, Jensen.” Gerald nodded with approval. He began making his way out of the dining room and into the kitchen, with Jensen following close behind him. 

Once they were finally in the kitchen, Gerald and Jensen promptly placed the dishes in the sink. 

And before Jensen could make his way out of the room, Gerald gently grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Jensen.” He said sternly. 

“Yes sir.” Jensen promptly responded. There was a slight sense of worry in his eyes, and it turned into sorrow once Gerald let go of Jensen’s arm, looking earnestly into his son-in-law’s woeful eyes before speaking. 

“That right there…” Gerald whispered, pointing back towards the dining room, “That was my boy, trying to be the man he once was.” 

Jensen looked up at Gerald, tears finally finding their way out of the corners of his eyes, “I know.” Jensen sniffled, “I know.” 

“Give him a chance to make things right.” Gerald suggested, “To finish these treatments and give birth to your son… Give him a chance to be happy. I know there’s a lot of pressure on you…I can’t even begin to imagine it.” Gerald paused, “But I’m here for both of you.” 

Jensen nodded, wiping away at his tears. “I’ve put all my eggs into the basket of these treatments…and now Asher. I just don’t know what I’ll do if he Jared doesn’t get better. I can’t stand to watch the man I love disappear.”

“He’s not going anywhere Jensen.” Gerald assured his son-in-law, pulling him in for a tight hug. “Time heals all wounds....Give Jared time.” 

Jensen had never believed that saying. After all, finding the first scar on Jared’s wrist hurt just as much now as it did then, though it was only a distant memory; and Jensen could still feel the soul-wrenching pain he felt after reading his husband’s suicide letter. 

“He has my time. He has my patience. He has my love, and support.” Jensen cried, “He has my everything. What else does he need? What else does he need to get better!?” 

“I don’t know, son. I really don’t know.” Gerald held Jensen close as he spoke to him. 

“Is everything alright in here?” Sherri pondered as she entered the kitchen. 

“Just some pre-treatment jitters.” Gerald reassured his wife, giving Jensen a few loving pats on the back before finally letting him out of his arms. 

“Oh honey!” Sherri sighed, enveloping Jensen in a hug of her own, “Don’t you worry! Our Jaybird is going to be just fine. Stronger and healthier than ever. Just you wait.” Sherri said, half-trying to convince herself. 

Sherri placed a loving hand on Jensen’s cheek. “Jared’s upstairs in his room, probably waiting for you so he can get to bed.” She smiled, “So why don’t you head on up there…Hold him close.” 

Jensen gave her a small smile before nodding. “Goodnight.” Jensen turned to Gerald before adding a “Thanks.” 

“Goodnight sweetheart.” Sherri smiled. 

And with that Jensen headed out of the kitchen and up the stairs to his husband’s old bedroom. But as Jensen approached the bedroom door he stopped dead in his tracks. He heard a voice...Jared’s voice, and he was singing. Jensen could hear the melodic tones of _Blackbird_ leave his husband’s lips and enter the night air. 

Jensen thought he was dreaming, in fact he was sure of it. But when he slowly cracked the door open, he was amazed at what he saw. Jared was sitting, crisscross and completely naked, in the middle of their bed, gently rubbing his belly as he continued to sing to the baby inside of it. 

"Oh my god." Jensen whimpered, completely and immediately blowing his cover when he began crying at the sight currently unfolding in front of him. 

“Jensen…” Jared let out a closed mouthed smile when he saw his red-handed husband crouching in the doorway. “What are you doing?” 

“I uh…” Jensen stood up and brushed his pant leg before brining a hand behind his neck to scratch it in nervous uneasiness. “Keep…keep singing Jay. It was beautiful." 

Jared let out a gentle laugh, “No it wasn’t, don’t lie to me.” He smiled softly, “We both know you’ll be the one singing the lullabies.” 

“No, Jay. I mean it.” Jensen sniffled, “It was beautiful. _You’re_ beautiful.”

That was the first time Jensen could remember hearing Jared sing since before Eli’s stillbirth. He used to playfully tease Jared for his inability to carry a tune, but as of this moment, Jensen would happily listen to Jared’s off-key singing for an eternity…because that singing meant Jared was one step closer to being happy again. 

“Stop, you’re making me blush.” Jared teased.

That only resulted in Jensen crying even harder. “Jay…” 

“Come sit with me.” Jared prompted. He scooted over and patted the spot next to him on the bed. 

Jensen nodded and entered the room, locking the door behind him before kicking off his shoes and climbing into bed beside his husband. 

Jensen watched and listened intently as Jared continued to sing to their unborn child. 

It was then that Jensen felt like he was ready to give Jared a second chance; to honestly forgive him for what he tried to do, because as his husband sang, Jensen could see a glimmer of the man he married. Jared was trying to move on; trying to move forward with his life and embrace the new life that laid waiting ahead of him. And Jensen knew that was all Jared wanted from him, the promise that Jensen was willing to follow him into the unknown, and accept whatever came after that. 

“I’m starting to love this body, and this baby…” Jared smiled weakly, looking down at his belly, still rubbing it though he had finished singing. “I think I’m becoming okay with whoever I am now, and the idea of whomever I may become.” 

“I’ll be right by your side when this is over, Jay.” Jensen said, running his hand through his husband’s short locks. “I can’t wait to meet the new you…and I’m sure I’ll love him just as much as I loved—and still love—the old you.” 

Jared looked up at his husband, who’s hand was still resting in his hair. “I have been waiting…so long, for you to say that to me.” Jared sighed happily. 

Jensen pulled his husband close and kissed his forehead. 

Jared was going to be put under twelve-hour surveillance before his treatment, and twenty-four hour surveillance after. So Jared was being sent to University Hospital in two days in order to start the process. 

Jensen wanted to stay by Jared’s side the entire weekend, but he had to get the storage unit in order, so Jensen decided he was going to handle all moving-related responsibilities tomorrow, while Jared rested at his parent’s house, and the day after that while Jared was getting prepped at the hospital.

Jensen was going to work on all of the housing papers and storage filling, up until the hour before Jared’s treatment. It was then that he would make a B-line to the hospital in order to be by his husband’s side. 

“Kiss me.” Jared whispered. 

Jensen took his hand out of his husband’s hair and let it come to rest on his cheek. “Wh—what.” 

“Kiss me.” Jared repeated, looking dolefully into his husband’s eyes. 

It had been weeks since they had come in close contact, and kissing had been completely out of the question for Jensen, as he had been trying to set a comfortable distance between himself and his husband. But something felt different at that moment. Something had changed from the dinner table to now.

Jensen was readily willing to give his husband another chance. He gave Jared a small, shaky smile before leaning in and connecting their lips. The kiss was slow, and tender; filled to the brim with love, and promise. 

But as Jensen felt himself becoming hard beneath his pants, he began to second-guess himself. “Jay…” Jensen gulped. 

“If you don’t want to, I understand.” Jared hummed. 

“No. That’s not it.” Jensen sighed, “I just…don’t know if we should. You’re going in for your last treatment Jay…” Jensen ran his thumb along Jared’s left cheekbone, feeling the ridge of his husband’s mole beneath his fingertips. “You know what happened last time…” 

“I’m grateful for what happened last time.” Jared smiled and looked down at his stomach. 

“That’s not the point.” Jensen exhaled. “Jared…”

“I just want you to have me…before I become someone new.” Jared pleaded softly, placing his hand over Jensen’s as it rested on his cheek. 

“Jared…” 

“I’m begging you.” Jared blew.

Jensen nodded and leaned back in, connecting their lips yet again. As they kissed, Jensen unbuttoned his shirt, while Jared worked on unfastening his belt. In the midst of their kiss, Jensen gently pushed Jared onto his back. He broke away for a moment in order to remove his pants, joining Jared in nakedness, before straddling Jared’s legs, making sure to situate himself right below Jared’s rounding belly. 

“Jay…are you sure you want to do this?” Jensen whispered as he leaned over Jared, his mouth only millimeters away from his husband’s. 

“I feel like I should be the one asking you that question.” Jared smiled in response, giving Jensen a soft kiss before breaking away and breathing, “Yes. I’m sure.” 

Just then, Jensen’s phone began to ring, buzzing loudly on the bedside table. 

They both ignored it and continued kissing, until the phone went off for a second, and then a third time. 

“Oh my god. _What_?!” Jensen groaned after separating his lips from his husband. 

“Leave it.” Jared exhaled, pulling Jensen back down. 

But when the phone buzzed for a fourth time, Jensen reached over, intent on turning off his phone until he saw the caller ID.

“Misha.” Jensen sighed. 

Jared let out a small groan and Jensen’s phone went off again. This time it was a text. 

 _Text Message from Misha Collins: **Urgent! Face Time. Now.**_  

“Urgent?” Jensen mumbled. 

“What does it say?” Jared pondered, adjusting himself in bed so that he could sit up.

“He says he needs to Face Time.” Jensen huffed and got out of bed, pointing at his protruding member. “I can’t Face Time, I have a raging boner right now!” 

Jared slid over to the edge of the bed and sat up, laughing at his husband. “It’s called Face Time, not _body_ time.” 

“Yeah, well right now it’s _boner_ time.” Jensen grumbled as his phone went off for the fifth time with another FaceTime request from his friend. 

“Answer it.” Jared shrugged and threw Jensen his shirt. 

“What?” Jensen asked confusedly. 

“Answer it and I’ll blow you.” Jared suggested. "Boner time and Face Time, all at the same time."

“Come again.” Jensen stared at his husband, wide eyed.

“Answer the phone. And I’ll blow you.” Jared repeated slowly, as he dropped to his knees. "Right now."

This Jared. The one with the lustful fire in is eyes. The one who had just dropped to his knees in front of Jensen. _That_ , was the man he married. 

“Okay.” Jensen nodded, throwing his shirt above his head before answering the call. 

“Fucking Finally.” Misha blew once the call had been connected. 

“Misha.” Jensen grumbled. It was then that he felt Jared’s tongue begin to glide down his shaft, causing Jensen to lurch forward a bit. Jared put a hand on Jensen’s waist in order to keep him still. 

“Everything alright, Jen?” Misha squinted, “You’re looking rather flushed.” 

“I’m fine.” Jensen exhaled as Jared’s tongue circled around his head. “What’s with the urgency?” 

Misha smiled sheepishly. “Lilly insists on speaking with you and Jared before she goes to bed.” Misha explained with a laugh. “Speaking of which, where is he?” 

Jared took Jensen’s entire length into his mouth, and Jensen had to use every ounce of willpower within him to hold back the moan that was trapped in the back of his throat. 

Lilly wanted to speak to them? _Now?_ There was no way Jensen was going to talk to his daughter while his husband had his dick in his mouth.

“Oh...um…he’s around.” Jensen replied sheepishly, He looked down briefly and caught a glimpse of his husband’s mouth wrapped around his hard member. Jensen brought his gaze back up to Misha, looking away from Jared in order to make sure he didn’t come right then and there. "Hey Meesh. This really isn't a good time, can I call you back in a few." 

Misha lifted an eyebrow in suspicion. “What do you me—"

Misha was interrupted by a high-pitched scream. “Papa!” Lilly bellowed, her face immediately taking up Jensen’s entire phone screen. “Hi Papa, hi!” Lilly smiled and waved to the camera.

“I’ll just be over here then.” Jensen could hear Misha laugh. “Lilly when you’re done with my phone, just bring it back to me alright?” 

“Okay Uncle Misha.” Lilly said before turning her attention back to her father. “Hi Papa.” 

“Hey there Lillypad!” Jensen smiled back at his daughter. “How—“ Jensen inhaled sharply. Jared had started doing something with his tongue that was driving him absolutely insane. But he had to try his best to hold it together. “How was your day?” 

“It was great. Me and West and Maison got to pick a Christmas tree today! We’re going to decorate it tomorrow. It’s soooo huge Papa!” Lilly smiled and her eyes widened. Jensen’s eyes widened too, as Jared hummed beneath him, keeping his mouth tightly wrapped around Jensen’s shaft. 

“When you and Daddy get back are we going to get our own tree for our new house?” Lilly asked delightfully. 

“You bet, sweetheart.” Jensen smiled, trying to keep his eyes open, though he wanted to shut them in ecstasy. He was so close.

“Good! Where is Daddy anyway?” Lilly pondered, “I wanna say goodnight to him too.” 

“Hmmm…I don’t know.” Jensen lied, closing his eyes for a moment. 

Boy was that a bad idea. 

Jensen knew he was mere seconds away from coming, so he had to act fast. “Hey, Lillypad want me to go get him and call you back?” 

Lilly shook her head zealously, “But be quick Papa, I’ve gotta go to bed.” 

“Sure thing sweetheart.” Jensen smiled and Lilly waved at him before he disconnected the call, promptly throwing his phone onto the side of the bed.

Jensen promptly tilted his head towards the ceiling, and a deep, guttural moan escaped his lips as his orgasm finally surged though him. “Fuck.” He groaned as he came, his eyes squeezing shut. “Holy fucking shit.” 

Jared swiftly swallowed before licking the incredibly sensitive tip of Jensen’s penis, causing Jensen to shutter above him. He would have completely keeled over if Jared wasn’t holding him up. 

“God. Damn.” Jensen breathed; still trying to catch his breath while Jared wiped his mouth and put his shirt back on. He was still heaving slightly by the time Jared appeared behind him, wrapping his arms around Jensen’s waist. 

Jensen made sure not to lean back, being mindful of Jared’s belly, though he certainly needed support after an orgasm like the one he had just experienced. “Jay.” Jensen breathed, “Jay, that was amazing.” 

“I’m glad. You deserved that.” Jared laughed. “Now call our daughter back so we can all go to bed.” 

“Right.” Jensen reached for his phone and promptly Face Timed Misha. Lilly picked up on the first ring. 

“Daddy!” Lilly smiled.

“Hello beautiful.” Jared smiled back at his daughter. 

“Aunt Vicki is about to put us to bed, so I just wanted to say goodnight.” Lilly continued to smile, “Goodluck with the doctor, Daddy. I know you’ll be all better soon.” 

“Thank you, Lillypad.” Jared replied. 

“Oh, and tell grandma and grandpa that I say hi.” Lilly grinned before yawning, “I love you Papa and I love you Daddy.” 

“We love you too Lillypad.” Jared replied with a smile. 

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” Jensen beamed. 

“Goodnight.” Lilly yawned again before blowing a kiss and disconnecting the call. 

“Remember when Lilly walked in on us?” Jared laughed as he fell back onto the bed. 

“How could I forget?” Jensen chuckled, “It was the night—“ Jensen stopped himself abruptly. No longer able to laugh or continue his sentence once he realized what he had almost mentioned. 

It was the night Eli was conceived. 

“It’s okay.” Jared sighed and smiled weakly as he sat up a bit. “I know what night it was…and it’s okay. We don’t have to be afraid of talking about it.” 

“I know.” Jensen breathed. 

“Then why did you stop before saying it?” Jared raised an eyebrow. “I did a lot of growing while I was down in the ward, Jenny. I need you to try to stop yourself from self-censoring around me.” 

“We both have things we’re working on.” Jensen sighed, “But trust me, I’m working on it.” 

“I know.” Jared smiled and gave Jensen a kiss before letting his head fall back down onto his pillow. 

Jensen laid down next to him before pulling the covers over himself and his husband. 

“You ready for Saturday?” Jensen asked, his voice low and almost at a whisper.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Jared yawned, “Just don’t forget to be there an hour before my treatment.” 

“I’ll be there, Jay.” Jensen smiled to himself, “I’ll be there when you go under, and I’ll be there when you wake up…I’ll be there. Always.” 

Jared turned his head to his husband and smiled. “Goodnight, Jenny.” Jared yawned, still smiling as he let his eyes flutter closed.

As Jensen laid there, for a moment, he couldn’t help but think about how much the last twenty-four hours had cemented something he had never stopped believing in the first place. Texas would always be their home; the place where they belonged, and the place where he honestly thought they had the best chance of being happy. Yet now they had no choice but to leave it behind.

Their lives seemed to revolve around chances; either taking them, or giving them. And Jensen was finally ready to do both of those things, all at once.

“Goodnight, Jay.” Jensen breathed, giving his husband a kiss on the forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too." Jared hummed sleepily.

Jensen placed a protective hand over his husband's belly, and Jared brought his hand up to meet Jensen's, clasping them together on top of his stomach, and keeping them there as they drifted off to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, your comments are incredibly welcomed and encouraged. I'll be answering each and every one of them...per usual :)


	36. Good Riddance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After more than a year and a half of writers block, I'm back! I'm sorry for taking so long...you don't know how many times I tried to keep writing, only to delete or be unhappy with whatever I produced. But I think I've got some ideas flowing through me again, and I can't wait to share them with you guys. Thanks so much for sticking with me, and the story, after all of these years.
> 
> xoxo

Two days later, Jensen was in the midst of shuttling the last of the family’s boxes into their storage unit when he got the call he had been waiting for. 

It was finally time for Jared to start his final treatment, and less than an hour after receiving the call, Jensen was at the hospital and by Jared’s side. 

“Today is the day sweetheart.” Jensen smiled as he ran a hand through his husband’s short locks. “Are you ready?”

“I’m scared.” Jared admitted, smiling back weakly, “but I’m ready. I’m ready to start a new chapter of my life…of our lives.” 

“I can’t believe this is it, Jay.” Jensen said in awe, “After this…that’s it. No more treatments.” 

Jared sighed. “Yeah, it’s my last chance...”

Jensen placed both hands on the side of Jared’s face, “You’ll be alright, Jay.” Jensen reassured his husband, “The treatment is going to be a success, and we’re going to go back to our new home with Lilly, and eventually Asher…everything is going to be okay.” 

Jared nodded just as Dr. Richardson entered the room. 

“Alright.” Dr. Richardson breathed, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life Mr. Ackles.” Dr. Richardson noted as he approached Jared’s cot. “Are you ready?” 

Jared nodded again, “Let’s do this.”

Dr. Richardson smiled and turned around, signaling for the rest of his team to enter the room. 

It was a sharp contrast from their first time in Dr. Richardson’s exam room. Everything, and everyone, was calm. Jensen watched in silence as two nurses entered the room and made their way towards a solemn Jared, preparing him for his last treatment. 

“Take a deep breath,” The anesthesiologist directed as he brought the needle up to Jared skin. He closed his eyes as it was being inserted, seething as he felt the needle pierce his skin. Jensen held on to Jared’s hand, and he squeezed it as the anesthetic was being administered. “Count backwards.” The anesthesiologist directed. 

“One.” Jared said slowly, “Two...Three...Four......” Jared stopped speaking, a signal that the drugs were beginning to take affect.  

Jensen held onto Jared’s hand until it went limp in his, a sign that the muscle relaxer had finally kicked in. 

He watched in silence as the electrodes were placed on Jared’s forehead and temples one final time, followed by a mouth guard which was gently inserted between his husband’s teeth. 

Everything seemed to go by so much slower than it did the first time. Probably because Jensen new every step by heart. New exactly what came next and when. Like running through the same path each morning, the process seemed longer, as he anxiously waited to reach the next landmark. The next thumbs up from Dr. Richardson. The next clink of the straps being tightened around Jared’s long extremities. Each arm and each leg were bound to the table one final, painstaking time, before Dr. Richardson gave the final go ahead. 

With a final warning administered, Dr. Richardson flipped a switch, sending Jared’s body into a frenzy. Veins pulsing. Fingers twitching. Head rhythmically shaking. 

It never got easier to watch. And Jensen was glad he would never have to see his husband like this again. He held on to Jared’s hand, waiting for the moment to pass. Each second felt like hours in the white-tiled operating room. 

“Alright Mr. Ackles.” Dr. Richardson breathed. He flipped of the switch that had sent electric currents running through Jared’s body, and he abruptly went still. “That’s it.” 

Jensen still felt hazy as his eyes went back and forth between Dr. Richard, the nurses, and his husband.

“That’s it?” Jensen repeated loftily. 

“That’s it.” Dr. Richardson assured him as he removed his periwinkle gloves.

“Forever?” Jensen asked. 

Dr. Richardson gave Jensen a closed-mouth smile, “Nothing lasts forever, Jensen.” Dr. Richardson breathed. 

Jensen felt his heart sink for a moment before Dr. Richardson continued, “But this is as damn near close as you’ll ever get.”

Dr. Richardson’s smile grew with Jensen’s. Without thinking, Jensen popped out of his chair and hugged Dr. Richardson. 

“Well.” Dr. Richardson laughed, “If you must.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jensen said, breaking away. There were tears gathering in his eyes, and a few began to slip out and along his face. “I owe you my life.” Jensen cried and looked over at his anesthetized husband, who was laying peacefully on the operating table. “He owes you his life...we owe you everything.” Jensen continued to cry. “You saved our lives.” 

Dr. Richardson smiled faintly, trying not to become too emotional. “It’s people like you who inspire me to come to work every day.” He paused and motioned for his nurses to begin untying Jared. 

“I don’t know how to thank you.” Jensen sniffled. 

“You don’t need to.” Dr. Richardson simply stated with a smile, patting Jensen on the shoulder. “Jared should wake up within the hour. We’ll send a psych evaluation over to Dr. Aarons in New York. You can fill it out with him once you get there.” 

Jensen nodded in response, and a moment after that, Dr. Richardson’s cell phone beeped, signaling he had another patient to attend to.

“It has been so incredibly great getting to know the two of you. I wish you the best of luck.” Dr. Richardson smiled, “And I hope to God I never see you guys ever again!” 

Jensen laughed through his tears before replying “Same to you doctor.” 

“Call me, Henry.” Dr. Richardson said with a smile before offering his hand out to Jensen. 

“Thank you.” Jensen paused, accepting the handshake with a firm, meaningful grip, “Henry.” 

With that Dr. Richardson took his leave, but before exiting the room he turned around and gave Jensen a smile, “Now I know I said I don’t want to see the two of you ever again..and I mean that.” Dr. Richardson continued, “But once that beautiful boy is born, please be sure to send me a photo.” 

“Of course.” Jensen smiled though his tears had not stopped falling. 

And with that Dr. Richardson was gone, followed closely by the other nurses. 

Jensen wiped his face with his hand, clearing his face of salty tears, before returning to his previous seat and holding on to Jared’s hand, watching his chest rise and fall for forty-five long minutes until his eyes fluttered open. 

“Jay!” Jensen smiled widely as he leaned in closer to his husband. “Hey there.” 

“Hi.” Jared groaned, slowly bringing his free hand up to touch his left temple. “Agh.” He groaned. 

“Are you alright?” Jensen asked, concerned. He got up from his chair and stood over his husband, observing the spot he had just touched. 

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. 

“Yeah I’m alright.” Jared said groggily, “Just a bit of a headache, that’s all.” 

It had happened to Jared after six out of the ten procedures. And in addition to bouts of short term memory loss, Jared usually woke up with a slight headache, for which he had been subscribed pain killers. 

Jensen leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Jared’s left temple. “I’m sorry baby.” He cooed. “I’ve got your meds in the car.” 

“All of them?” Jared asked. 

“Yup.” Jensen nodded, “Zoloft, Effexor, Aspirin. All ready to go.” 

“Good.” Jared sighed. 

“You’ve already been discharged, so we can start heading towards the car now. If you’re ready.” Jensen supposed. 

“I was ready eight years ago.” Jared mumbled, “I’m ready to end this chapter. Wish it never got written in the first place.” Jared grunted as he propped himself up, “I’m ready to be me again.” 

“I’m glad.” Jensen breathed. 

“Can we start the next chapter with some ice cream and barbecue.” Jared grinned sheepishly, “Asher’s got me craving some good ol’ southern cooking.”

“Are you sure that Asher, or just you, ya big goof.” Jensen retorted. 

“A little bit of both.” Jared chucked. 

Jensen’s heart skipped a beat. Jared had chuckled, for the first time in god knows how long. Sure, it wasn’t a full blown laugh, but it was an ounce of positivity that Jensen thought he might not ever see again. 

“I’d like to take a nap first though, if you don’t mind.” Jared said sheepishly. “My head is killing me.” 

Jensen frowned, “Does it hurt any more than usual.” 

“Nah. I’ll be alright.” Jared swatted at the air. 

“Are you sure?” Jensen asked, “I mean we are at a hospital.” 

Jared shook his head, “Just take me home please.” 

Jensen nodded, “Alright baby.” 

He held onto Jared’s other hand and helped him out of bed, keeping him propped up against his side as they made their way out of the room, one final time. 

“I need to thank Dr. Richardson.” Jared noted as they made their way through the hallway. 

“You’re right.” Jensen agreed, disregarding his earlier conversation with the slightly older man. “Why don’t we head over to the receptionist, and I’ll see if she can bring him over. 

“Okay.” Jared nodded and they made their way over. He took a seat in one of the waiting-room chairs while Jensen walked over to the receptionist’s desk and talked to her, only to return after a minute or two. 

“He’s on his way.” Jensen assured his husband with a smile. 

“I can’t believe this is finally over.” Jared breathed. “Given, we’ll have to wait and see if this all works out...but I feel...okay.” 

“Okay?” Jensen questioned. 

“Yeah.” Jared shrugged, “Dare I say I’m optimistic.” 

Jared took a double take as if he was shocked even at himself. He placed a hand over his chest and looked at Jensen. “I haven’t felt optimistic in years.” He breathed before repeating, “Years, Jen.” 

Jensen could feel his eyes start to tear up again as Jared continued to speak. 

“But still. I know that optimism is driven by fear.” Jared sighed, “A fear that none of this will end up working, and that all of this was for nothing.” 

“I can assure you this wasn’t all for nothing.” Another voice chimed in from above. It was Dr. Richardson. He looked over at Jensen and with an upturned mouth, feigning frustration he said, “Now didn’t I tell you I never wanted to see you two again.” 

“I had to say thank you.” Jared said, getting up from his seat, “Hopefully, you’ve saved my life...saved me from myself.” 

“I would say it’s nothing.” Dr. Richardson began, “But I know that it’s everything.”

“It is.” Jared stated. “So thank you.” He held out his hand to shake, and Dr. Richardson accepted it with a warm smile. 

“You’re very welcome Jared.” Dr. Richardson nodded. “Now the two of you.” He let go and pointed between Jared and Jensen, “Good riddance!” 

“Yes sir.” Jensen stood up and shook Dr. Richardson’s hand once more before he turned around and they watched him disappear around the corner. 

“I really do hope we never see him again.” Jared breathed, “For all our sakes.” 

Jared placed a hand on his round belly, looking down at it for a moment before turning to look at his husband. “Let’s get out of here.” 

Jensen nodded, and they left the halls of University Hospital hand in hand, one final time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be responding to all of your comments over the course of the last year+ (and in the future, per usual). Thanks so much for sticking with me, guys. I promise it'll be worth the wait. 
> 
> Love you all xoxo


	37. Ribs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I owe you guys a double dose of chapters :)

“Papa! You’re coming home today!” Lilly sang. She did the cabbage patch while holding Misha’s phone in her hands, nearly dropping it.

It had been two days since Jared’s final treatment, and they had spent the time getting ready to leave San Antonio. Well, Jared had spent most of the time sleeping and recuperating while Jensen and Gerald finished moving stuff and signing papers...but who could blame him. 

Jared was five and a half months pregnant, and it showed. He was twenty two weeks along, and in two weeks he would be going in for his most important prenatal check up. 

Twenty-four week’s. A moment in their prior pregnancies that had been incredibly fateful. And incredibly damaging. 

This time around, they were hoping for exceptionally good news. Asher seemed to be doing well on all accounts; developing well, and quite relatively healthy. 

And though Jensen couldn’t escape the feelings of dread that gnawed at the back of his psyche, Jared’s twenty-fourth week was coming up close, and it was unavoidable. 

He knew it would be a make or brake moment, and he was obviously hoping for the former. All things considered, Jensen was happy they were reaching this point in Jared’s pregnancy after he had already competed all of his treatments. It gave Jensen hope that his husband would be more mentally fit for whatever happened on the upcoming day. 

From the move, to the pregnancy, Jensen knew they would be tested in the upcoming weeks, and honestly...for the rest of their lives. 

It was a challenge he was completely up for, and he hoped Jared felt the same way...or would feel the same way soon 

“That’s right Lilly pad. We’re coming home for good!” Jensen responded to his daughter as he walked inside the Padalecki household. He had just picked up lunch with Gerald. In their hands they held: four full rack orders of baby back ribs, six orders of biscuits and gravy, and five pieces of corn on the cob. They were going to have one last Texan meal with the Padalecki’s before heading off to the big Apple later that afternoon.

“We’ve got all of our bags packed and we’ll see you in a couple of hours.” Jensen continued. Sherri had opened the door for the two men, and closed it behind them before taking one of the bags of food out of Jensen’s hands. 

“Thank you.” He mouthed, and Sherri nodded in response. 

“Did someone buy our old house?” Lilly asked. 

“Yup!” Jensen nodded as he made his way into the kitchen, where he proceeded to set a bag onto the kitchen island, followed by Sherri and Gerald. 

“When do we get to move into our new one?” Lilly asked excitedly. 

“Tomorrow morning! After one more good nights rest at Uncle Misha’s, we’ll all head on over to our new house. The movers will be waiting for us and everything.” Jensen smiled. He pulled out a chair and sat down at the kitchen island as he continued to talk to his daughter. “I hope you’ve been a good girl these past few days.” He said, raising his right eyebrow. 

“I have Papa!” Lilly nodded, “I helped cook dinner with West and Maison yesterday, aaand I washed my own plate.” 

“Wow!” Jensen gasped, feeding into his daughter’s pride with a bit of his own. “Look at my Lillypad go!” 

“I’ve also been so good in class that next week I get to be line leader!” Lilly continued. 

“Wow!” Jensen gasped again. 

“Where’s Daddy?” Lilly pondered, changing the direction of the conversation. 

“He’s sleeping.” Jensen sighed. 

“Still?” Lilly huffed, “I thought the doctor was supposed to help him be more awake and stuff.” 

Jensen laughed, “He’s just charging up. Like a battery. Pretty soon he’ll be full again, don’t worry.” 

“Are you worried?” Lilly asked innocently. 

“Nope.” Jensen lied. 

Jared had been more tired after his last treatment than any of the ones before it. Dr. Richardson said it was likely due to the adjusting serotonin and dopamine levels in Jared’s body, paired with the fact that the last dose of ECT is always the biggest. It was natural for Jared to be tired, or a bit out of sorts for a while. 

Even still, it made Jensen anxious. 

“If you’re not worried then I’m not worried.” Lilly stated with one sharp nod. 

“Good.” Jensen retorted and gave her a thumbs up, which she threw right back at him. “Is your uncle Misha there?” Jensen asked.

Lilly nodded, “He’s reading the newspaper in the living room.” 

“Alright I won’t disturb him. Just let him know that I’ll see him later.” Jensen added, “And make sure you give the phone right back to him when we end the call.” 

“Okay Papa.” Lilly nodded. 

“Alright Lillypad, I love you.” Jensen smiled. 

“I love you too.” Lilly giggled. 

“Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

With that, Jensen placed his phone in his pocket, grabbed the last remaining boxes of food, and got up to help Sherri finish setting up the table. 

“How’s Lillian?” Sherri asked once Jensen had entered the dining room. 

“She’s great!” Jensen replied, setting two boxes of ribs down in the center of the table. 

“Oh Jensen, I was hoping to put those out on cheffing dishes.” Sherri frowned. 

“There’s no one to impress.” Jensen proposed. “But if you want to I can go get them.” 

“It’s alright.” Sherri smiled. “Wanna go up there and wake him up?” 

“Yeah.” Jensen supposed, “I think that’d be a good idea.” 

“Hurry on now,” Sherri playfully shooed him, “We’ll be waiting for you two down here.” 

Jensen nodded and made his way up the stairs to Jared’s old room. He opened the door slowly, to the image of a sleeping Jared sprawled across the bed on his back, and the covers thrown in every which way. 

Jensen chuckled and made his way to the edge of the bed. His eyes went from Jared’s round, exposed belly, to his upturned arms, where his scars, like his stomach, were peeking out of his long sleeve. Jared had slept in it because he felt cold the night before, but later in the night he proceeded to throw all of the covers off of himself, leaving Jensen to wonder what all of the pregnancy hormones were doing to his husband’s body. 

“Sweetheart.” Jensen whispered as he approached the bed. He crawled onto the bed on all fours by Jared’s side, leaning over him. “Jared.” He whispered. 

No luck. 

Jared ruffled his nose once but remained sound asleep. 

“Baby.” Jensen cooed, this time louder than the last, earning a quiet grunt from Jared. 

“Baby.” Jensen repeated, a bit louder. 

He was startled by Jared’s immediate response. 

“No. Please. Not my baby. Not this one.” Jared whimpered sleepily, “He’s supposed to be okay. He’s supposed to be breathing.” 

“Jay?” Jensen said worriedly, sitting up. 

Jared continued to whimper, “Please don’t take him. Let me hold him. Let me hold my baby, please. Just once.” 

Jensen was confused. This wasn’t a night terror, at least not like before. There wasn’t any thrashing or screaming. It was more like Jared was sleep talking. 

Either way it was unsettling. 

“But he saved me.” Jared continued. A tear began to fall from his closed left eye. “I used up all of his life force so I could get better...and I didn’t leave enough for him to live.” Jared continued. “I killed him. I killed my baby again. It’s all my fault.” 

“Jared!” Jensen screamed and his husband’s eyes shot open. 

“Jen?” Jared breathed sharply. “Jenny what the fuck.” 

“It’s time for lunch.” Jensen said, still shaking. 

“And that’s why you had to scare me half to death?” Jared said groggily. “Good morning to you too.” 

 _“If only you knew.”_ Jensen thought, but instead he retorted “It’s Big Lou’s.” He breathed, trying to keep calm. 

Jared rolled his eyes and propped himself up on his elbows, “You’re lucky.” Jared huffed, attempting to push himself up, which Jensen helped him accomplish. “If It wasn’t that or a fire I would have punched you.” 

“Domestic violence is nothing to joke about.” Jensen said matter-of-factly. He got off of the bed and held his hands out to Jared, who gratefully accepted them, using them to lift himself off of the bed. 

“You’re right.” Jared breathed, “I’m sorry.” Jared smirked, “I would have hidden the Nespresso machine.” 

“I you wouldn’t dare!” Jensen gasped in fake indignation, “And two...I'm the one who packed it.” 

“Yeah yeah.” Jared puffed. “Let’s go eat.” Jared began to walk past Jensen, put Jensen gently pulled him back. 

“Are you alright?” Jensen asked with a concerned tone.

“Yeah,” Jared half-smiled, “I’m not actually mad at you.”

“I mean, how did you sleep.” Jensen rephrased his question. 

“Fine.” Jared raised an eyebrow. He looked deeply into Jensen’s worried eyes, noticing the mood had shifted again. “Why? What’s wrong?” Jared asked, “Did I do something?” 

Jensen sighed, “I just thought you were having a bad dream.” 

“Why?” Jared pondered, placing his left hand on his stomach. 

Jensen looked down at his husband’s belly and took a deep breath. “You were talking in your sleep.” 

Jared crinkled his nose, “I was?” 

“Yeah.” 

“About what?” 

“About the baby.” Jensen said lowly. 

“Wh—what about him.” Jared stuttered. 

“You just sounded scared.” 

“What was I saying?” Jared demanded. 

“It was nothing.” Jensen sighed, not wanting to have this kind of conversation only days after his husband’s last treatment. 

“Jensen…” Jared probed tiredly, rubbing his stomach. “Please don’t keep secrets from me. I deserve to know.” Jared paused, “What did I say?” 

Jensen looked into Jared’s tired eyes as he tried to think of the most harmless way to let Jared know. 

“You, umm.” Jensen hummed, “You were almost crying...saying things like ‘Not my baby...it’s my fault... I killed my baby again...” Jensen sighed as he watched Jared’s face fall into a frown. “Stuff like that.” 

“Oh.” Jared sighed, looking down at the hand on his stomach. 

“It must be your subconscious or something.” Jensen supposed. 

“Yeah, maybe.” Jared said quietly. 

“Definitely.” Jensen tried to reassure Jared, placing an arm on his shoulder before pulling him in for a loose hug, making sure to not to put any pressure on his stomach. “It probably just takes a little while for the ECT to reach every part of you.” 

“Yeah.” Jared said weakly. 

Jensen pulled away so that he could look up at his worried husband, “You’ll be fine baby. Everything will be alright.” Jensen reached up and ran a hand through his husband’s short locks. 

Jared nodded dejectedly, before sighing “Let’s go eat.” 

“Don’t worry baby.” Jensen smiled weakly. He took Jared’s hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “After those ribs, Asher will be doing backflips in there.” 

Jared tried to smile back, the corners of his lips turning up a bit when Jensen added, “He’s strong just like his Daddy.” 

Jensen leaned up and placed a kiss on Jared’s lips. It was soft, sweet, and short. “I love you Jay.” 

Jared kept his forehead pressed against his husband’s. “I know, and I love you two.” Jared breathed.

Jensen decided he was going to give Dr. Richardson a quick call before they left. They needed to talk about what had just happened. He needed to know that Jared was going to be okay. 

There was a knock on the door. 

“Everything alright in there?” Gerald asked from the other side of the door. 

Jared broke away and turned towards the door, making sure not to let go of Jensen’s hand. “Yeah Dad, we’ll be down in a minute.” 

“Good. But in a minute I’ll already be digging into those ribs.” Gerald noted, “So ya’ll best get downstairs.” 

Jensen laughed at his-father in law. 

“We’re coming.” Jared replied. 

They heard Gerald walk away and looked back at each other. 

“You ready to head back home today?” Jensen asked. 

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, “I miss our Lillypad.”

“Me too.” Jensen agreed. “Let’s eat and get out a here then, huh?” 

Jared nodded again and they walked out of his room hand in hand, ready to fill his belly, feed himself and his son, and get back home. 

He was ready to start over again.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments are welcome and encouraged :)
> 
> I'd love to hear what you guys think!


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